Let Love Lead The Way
by Clover Swan
Summary: Fourth book of the Love series because good trilogies work best with four parts. Selina and Harley take off on a world tour leaving Ivy at home to deal with Gotham's underworld which becomes more complicated at the Tipster gets vicious with the secrets they're telling.
1. Crazy Little Thing Called Love

Author's Note: The best trilogies always come in fours. And in answer to your question, yes. Yes I am very drunk right now.

Somewhere around 5 am the breeze coming in through Joker's window had changed from chilly to slight warmth signaling the beginning of spring. It brushed across Joker's face and woke him. Instinctively, he reached next to him to pull Harley closer but she wasn't there. Nor had she been for a month. He rolled over so he wouldn't have to see the empty spot, closed his eyes, and tried to go back to sleep. The breeze was persistent. He got to close it, but stopped when he noticed how warm it was. He smiled, pulled out his phone, and began to text.

Ivy could feel a shift in the weather. Her eyes whipped open and she ever so carefully tiptoed out of the bedroom and out onto the terrace. The air was cold but the wind was hot. She smiled. Spring was here. She walked back into the apartment and popped her head into Selina's room. Harvey could hear her muffled whispers. He knew what she was saying even if he couldn't make out the exact words. Joker had already told him.

Bruce Wayne had just crawled into bed. He was in no mood for that infernal device society insisted he own. First it was text messages (Possibly a rogue. More than likely the Tipster), then it started to ring. He hit ignore without bothering to check the caller id. After the third time around he decided the only way to get some peace and quiet was to answer the damned thing and deal with whoever it was quickly and efficiently.

"What?" he snapped.

"Brucie! You're alive. Good," Joker greeted cheerfully.

"No, not now."

"You need to get up and come to Robinson Park."

"I just crawled into bed. I need to sleep."

"Listen…"

"No! No! You listen! I need to sleep. Selina and I aren't together anymore. Why are you calling me?"

"Come to Robinson Park!"

"What in the name of everything holy is so important that I need to be up at," here he checked the alarm clock next to the bed, "6:50 in the morning?"

"Come to the park." Joker hung up.

Bruce decided his phone would serve him better across the room and threw it there. He rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. What was happening at the park? Why was Joker so excited? Was this a Batman worthy trip? It couldn't be good. He invited Bruce Wayne though, surely it wasn't anything too harmful. Was it? "Damn that clown to hell," he murmured getting out of bed.

"I made waffles!" Eddie called as Holly walked into the living room.

"I'm not hungry," she replied slipping on a pair of running shoes.

"Where are you going?" he asked watching her from the doorway.

"Selina called me and invited me to Robinson Park."

Eddie dropped the bowl of waffle batter he was holding. He threw open the living room window and stuck his head out. The air was chilled but the breeze was warm. It was time.

"I'm not cleaning that up. I'll see you in a couple hours." She poked her head out the window and kissed him out the cheek.

After she closed the door Eddie ripped his phone out of his pocket. "Jervis! It's here! Yes! Quick, get dressed and meet me at Robinson Park! What? I'll call Jonathan on the way!"

Jonathan ran through the main entrance of Robinson Park and headed for the large fountain in the center. As he got closer he could see Harvey, Joker, Jervis, Eddie, and…was that Bruce Wayne desperately clutching Harvey's shoulder trying to stand up? And who was the old guy?

"Good morning boys," he greeted taking a seat next to Jervis.

"Did I miss it?" Oswald called only a few seconds behind Johnny.

"Nope," Joker answered.

"Good."

"Who's the old guy?" Johnny whispered to Jervis.

"Oh, that's Alfred. Bruce's chauffer."

"I see."

"Why am I here?" Bruce questioned.

"You'll see," Joker told him.

"Why can't you just tell me?"

"It spoils the fun."

"I hate you."

Before Joker could tell him how little Bruce was going to hate him in a second, what they were waiting for appeared.

Ivy had her hair in a high ponytail and wore a pair of tight black capri stretch pants and an abs bearing, tight, white, t-shirt. Selina was running next to her in a pair of black yoga pants and pink wife beater tank top with her jet black hair in a messy bun. Holly had the space on Selina's left. She had her hair pulled up similar to Selina's but higher on the head and she wore little navy blue shorts and a light blue long sleeved crop top. Finally there was Harley, in her tight black workout pants that said "PINK" across the butt in leopard print writing and red sports bra with her hair in low curly pigtails.

All of them were doing a fast jog/slow run. Little beads of sweat clung to them in all the right places. No traces of makeup, not a second more than necessary spent on hair. For them it was a usual workout. A little morning jog to get their bodies awake and their brains working. For the rogue men, it was the beginning of the best season two seasons of the year. For more often than not, the girls would be running in very little and all together.

The men were all standing now, even Bruce, and clapping like they were at a concert. Except Alfred who rolled his eyes and turned his attention to the fountain. Maybe one eye strayed for a micro-second. He was a man after all.

"Woohoo!" Joker called with a whistle.

"That's what we like to see!" Harvey yelled.

"Absolutely superb!" Eddie added while Jervis howled and Johnny panted like a dog.

"Sheer perfection girls," Oswald cheered.

Bruce just smiled wide and clapped harder. "I see why you called," he whispered to Joker.

The girls stopped running and sauntered over to them.

"Every year," Ivy sighed.

"You act like you've never seen a girl run before," Selina said.

"You girls are different," Harvey explained.

Selina rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

"We just like to show our support and let you ladies know we approve of your workout routine," Oswald added eyeing Harley up and down.

Joker caught this punched him in the back. "Don't be so obvious," he reprimanded.

"I expect it from these goons but I'm surprised to see you here Bruce," Ivy chided.

"When Joker calls you at 7 in the morning you do what he says. Actually, you argue for a minute, throw your phone, try to go back to sleep, and then curiosity gets the best of you," Bruce told her.

"Can you blame us?" Jervis asked with puppy dog eyes.

"Would you like it if we sat here cat calling you as you ran by?" Harley questioned poking him in the forehead.

The boys all flexed and stuck out their chests to show off.

"Pathetic," Harley laughed. "I'm starting to get a chill. Let's get back to the run."

"We'll be here!" Joker assured her.

"We know," Ivy hissed catching up with Harley.

"Eddie, really?" Holly asked.

"Only watching you," he told her.

"Uh huh." She smiled and waited a beat for Selina who shook her head and got back to her stride.

"Wait, wait, wait!" Dick demanded. "The rogue men all gather up and watch the girls run in the park when it gets warm?"

Bruce nodded.

"No! I don't believe it!"

Bruce shrugged.

"How can they do that? I don't see Selina being the type that likes an audience while working out. I can't even see her at a gym let alone allowing the Joker to whistle at her as she runs."

"They do it. I was there. Alfred is my witness."

Dick turned his attention to the silent butler who was trying to keep busy dusting. "Tell me he's lying."

"It's true sir. They gather up and watch the ladies run like it's a sporting event," Alfred explained.

"Bullshit! I want proof!"

"Tomorrow morning, Robinson Park, 7:30 am. Be there," Bruce told him.

"I will."

Dick watched in wide eyed shock as the quartet or girls ran by them and then slowly back tracked over.

"It's bad enough you're joining this clan but you have to drag Dick and poor innocent Tim into this too," Harley scolded patting Tim's head.

"I'm not joining anything. Dick didn't believe me and Tim caught us on the way out the door," Bruce explained.

"Right," Selina said not hiding her disbelief.

"It's true!"

"This is great," Dick laughed.

"Shut up," Selina snapped. "And go home to your girlfriend."

"Why is it sexier to watch them run in workout clothes in the park than in their tight little costumes across rooftops?" Dick asked in the car on the way back to Wayne Manor.

"They're not trying to kill us?" Tim offered.

"Maybe. But the next time I run into Harley Quinn or Poison Ivy as Nightwing it's going to be interesting."

"What about Catwoman?"

"Well, I don't really run into her much. Usually Batman is on that and she hasn't been active as of late anyway."

Bruce kept both hand on the wheel and grunted.

"Have you seen her lately?"

"No," he replied quickly.

"Have you talked to Selina since…"

"No."

"Are you…"

"When are you going to really apologize to Barbara? It's been over a month."

"I'm quiet."

"Good."

Ivy slipped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around her hair and another around her body. Selina and Harley had decided after their run a healthy breakfast was in order and jogged to a little smoothie café a couple blocks over. Harvey went out for eggs and bacon with the men leaving Ivy all alone at home. It was nice. She sauntered out to the living room, cranked on the stereo, and pulled a cd labeled VB out of a little white envelope hidden behind the DVD player. She danced and twirled down the hallway back to the bedroom to the sound of Victoria Beckham's voice.

"I'm not such an innocent girl," she sang as loud as the stereo into her hair brush while mimicking the dance moves from the music video in the mirror. "If you touch, me I won't break. Don't think of me that way." She dropped the towel that had been clinging to her body.

"Nice tramp stamp," Selina teased from the doorway. Harley was next to her, biting her hand to keep from laughing.

Ivy screamed and scrambled to pick her towel back up and cover herself.

"Is that a rose?" Selina went on.

"What the hell are you doing?" Ivy cried.

"We live here. What the hell are you doing dancing around naked?"

Here Harley couldn't contain herself anymore and burst out into full blown hysterical laughter.

"I was just…I was…you see…don't tell Harvey."

"I don't want to ever relive this moment."

"What is this music?" Harley asked.

"It's Victoria Beckham," Ivy snapped, still trying to cover herself up with her towel.

"Posh Spice Victoria Beckham?"

"Yes! Now can I please put some clothes on?"

Selina, Harley, and Ivy all sat at the kitchen table. Ivy was avoiding direct eye contact, Selina was staring her down, and Harley was giggling like she had a face full of Joker's laughing gas.

"Let's talk about it," Selina announced.

"Look, I thought I was alone. I was feeling good after the run and the shower. I danced. My towel fell. The end."

Harley erupted into a hysterical fit again.

"We're going to have to drop her off at Arkham if we can't calm her down."

"Now, about this tramp stamp," Selina continued.

Ivy lightly touched her back. "I was young, in college, and drunk. End of story."

"You have a tramp stamp!" Harley howled.

"You have an asshole's name on your neck. Don't judge!"

"Does Harvey like your tramp stamp?" Selina snickered.

Ivy got up from the table and poured herself a glass of water from the sink.

"Wait, how has Harvey not seen your tramp stamp?"

Ivy remained silent.

"Look, I know for a fact you two, three, whatever, get it on. I can hear it. How has he not seen it?"

"We just aren't in positions where he'd get a good look at it alright?" Ivy hissed.

Selina and Harley were both mid laughing fit now.

"Go to hell. Both of you."

"Ok, we'll be nice," Harley promised.

"So what's the deal with Becks?" Selina asked.

"I like Victoria Beckham."

"Are you a Spice Girls fan too?"

"They had catchy music, nice clothes, and promoted girl power. You're damn right I was a fan."

"I liked Baby Spice," Harley chimed in.

"You would."

"That one video, in the desert where they were all in black and she was Kung-Fu Candy!" Harley stood up and judo kicked the chair.

"That's enough of that!" Ivy barked.

"Yeah, calm down killer," Selina agreed.

"Sorry."

"Hello girls," Harvey called as he walked in the door.

"Not a word!" Ivy warned pulling a seed out of her cleavage.

Harley and Selina both held up their hands in surrender. No one wanted to relive Vegas. Except maybe William Shatner.

"Johnny Depp is so hot," Alice drooled.

Jervis rolled his eyes.

"Perfect Mad Hatter."

He jumped up from the couch, outraged, knocking her legs off him and sending poor Alice to the floor.

"Ouch! Hey! Baby on board!" she cried.

"Perfect Mad Hatter indeed!"

"Oh honey! I meant movie Mad Hatter. You're the living embodiment of the book. You don't pretend to be Mad Hatter, you are Mad Hatter." Alice wrapped her arms around his waist from behind and nuzzled her nose in his neck.

Jervis softened a little but still sported his offended face. "Hmph."

"And he may be hot but you're total package sexy. From your looks to your brains."

"My ego needs a little more stroking."

Alice smiled and pulled him back to the couch. "Well, let's see if I can't get your ego satisfied."

5 Minutes Later….

"Are you watching Johnny Depp?" Jervis hollered after he noticed Alice's eyes drifting to the TV more than once.

"What? No!" she replied nervously.

"You…you…you! Argh!" He scrambled to his feet, pointed at her furiously, tried to find the words to express his fury but finding none, he stormed off to the bedroom and locked himself in.

Alice immediately followed him and called through the door, "I'm pregnant! I'm just having weird fantasies like I have weird food cravings! Please don't be mad."

Jervis just made some growling grunting noises.

"I wuv you."

High pitched hissing like a teapot.

"You didn't see me throwing a bitch fit when you took off at the butt crack of dawn to go watch my sister and supermodel super villainesses go running!"

Snort.

"Especially since I wasn't even invited. I know I don't run but it would've been nice. And how do you think it makes me feel knowing you're seeing all these jiggling bits bouncing around on those amazons while I'm sitting at home with the body of a 12 year old boy and a little gut?" Alice was becoming angrier. Mood swings had become the norm in their house even though she was only three months along.

Jervis unlocked the door and poked his head out. Somehow he lost the upper hand here. "You're beautiful."

Jonathan inhaled the fresh scent of the pillow under his face. Clean, soft, warm sheets. His favorite thing about being out of Arkham. Well, that and Sage who was the one cleaning the sheets now. A lazy Sunday afternoon nap was exactly what he had needed.

High pitched screaming that put Jervis to shame echoed through the apartment. He jumped out of bed, fear toxin producing skull in hand, and leapt into the living room, ready to attack. When he saw no one occupying the main room he made his way into the kitchen where Sage was perched on the counter, clinging to a cupboard, shaking.

"What's wrong?" Johnny asked, setting the skull down on the counter next to her, relieved with just a hint of disappointment that he didn't have to use it.

Sage pointed a shaky finger the opposite corner of the kitchen.

Figuring he wouldn't get more information than that, he stalked over to the offensive corner and found a large daddy long leg spider. He smiled. "It's completely harmless you know."

"I don't care! Get rid of it!" Sage cried hysterically.

Johnny grabbed the fly swatter off the top of the refrigerator and smashed the unsuspecting arachnid. He then scooped it up with a paper towel and tossed it in the trash. "All gone."

Sage slowly draped her legs over the edge of the counter but remained sitting on it. "Thank you."

"Reminds me of the day we met."

She smiled as she remembered her third day at Arkham Asylum, the day she first met Jonathan. Arkham was an old building, infested with all kinds of vermin and parasites. Usually they lurked in the lower levels, prisoner cells but sometimes they crept up to the offices. Sage was still arranging her office. Today's mission, the bookshelf. She pulled An Anatomy of Addiction by Sigmund Freud off the shelf and a large, brown spider appeared in its place. She had shrieked in surprise and horror and jumped from the bookshelf to the couch clear across the room. At this moment, the secretary who was supposed to be minding Mr. Crane was deep in a conversation on the phone and hadn't heard the muffled terrified screams of the new doctor. Jonathan had. He got up from the waiting room couch, crossed the lobby, and opened Dr. Monroe's door. He was stunned when he saw her standing on her couch, hand clapped over her mouth, her other hand clutching her chest, tears running down her face, both by the peculiarity of the situation and her beauty. "Are you quite alright doctor?" he asked.

She removed the hand from her chest and fanned herself while she shook her head.

Not wanting to get blamed for the state she was in, Jonathan closed the door and stepped further into her office. He noticed her gaze was transfixed on the small bookcase on the other side of the room. He crossed the room and examined the wooden structure. After a second he noticed the large brown spider observing him. "I'm guessing the walnut sized friend here is the problem." He tipped one of the books over and it fell right on top of the furry little beast, killing it. He then scraped the gooey carcass off in the garbage. "Problem solved my dear."

Sage remained standing on the couch. Silent.

"It really isn't all that bad. Harmless thing really. It just looks scary because of its size but I assure you, it will cause you no harm."

She eased down a little until she was crouching on the couch, eyes still wide with fear.

"I don't believe we have met, I am Jonathan Crane." He walked back over to her and extended his hand.

The sudden appearance of his hand snapped her out of her trance. She looked up and saw him for the first time. "Doctor Monroe," she replied taking his hand.

"Pleasure to meet you." Johnny smiled.

"You too."

"We really must do something about your arachnophobia," Jonathan sighed bringing his attention back to the kitchen.

"Why? I have you to kill all these spiders for me," she teased.

"What happens when I'm not here?"

"Where are you going?"

"I don't know. Maybe I'm in Arkham."

"I guess I'll just have to go with you."

"You don't want to see the spiders that linger in those cells."

Sage shuddered.

"Tell me when your arachnophobia started," Jonathan said as casually as he could.

"Nice try Dr. Crane." She hopped down off the counter and kissed his nose. "And you better watch how you handle that fear toxin. If you let it loose in this apartment I may confuse you with a spider and squish you."

"And it turned! Just like that!" Jervis snapped his fingers to emphasize his point. "I don't think I can keep this up. One minute she's stripping me with her teeth, the next she's crying, and just as quickly as that one swept in it's gone and her new mood is kill all the men!"

"Scarlet!" Holly called. "You're officially on bar tonight. I never needed the image of my baby sister stripping a man with her teeth in my head."

Eddie nodded sympathetically. "But you'll leave me here with him."

"Your friend."

"I want a new friend. One that isn't a mess."

"Good luck in this bar."

Scarlet handed her tray off to Holly and took her spot behind the bar. "Refill?"

"Yes," Jervis and Eddie replied in unison handing off their drinks.

"And lately she's just been crazy horny," Jervis went on.

"Ozzie likes it when I wear his top hat and a pair of black stilettos during sex," Scarlet shot back.

"For the love of…Gack!" Eddie jumped up and grabbed his drink. "Good day." He strolled out into the main room and scanned the crowd for someone to sit with. His only two options were Victor Fries and Joker. "Great. Mr. Happy or Mr. Happy?" He slowly made his way over to Victor's table, deciding it would be safer. "Haven't seen you around in awhile."

"I've been working," Victor replied plainly motioning toward the empty chair across from him.

"Anything good?"

"Nothing promising yet."

"Kept up with all the goings on here?"

"Yes. I too have been included in the Tipster circle."

"I didn't think you the type to own a cell phone."

"I like to keep my business private."

"Hence why she hasn't gossiped about you but what is there really to say?"

"Exactly. Keep to your work and you won't have any problems." Victor glanced over at Holly who gave a smile and a wink in his and Eddie's direction. "But I suppose for love, a little gossip is worth it."

Eddie smiled. "It is."

"I was most pleased that the business with Miss Quinn did not progress."

"Oh?"

"Yes, the state the Joker was in was most disturbing. I didn't want to know what would have happened had you married her."

"You and me both."

"She is a rather interesting girl. She sends me cards."

"Cards?"

"Greeting cards. Halloween, Christmas, Valentine's Day, Sweetest Day, etcetera."

"Why on Earth does she do that?"

"A question better suited for the staff at Arkham."

"The usual answer to a query about Quinn."

"Perhaps she is trying to include me in our world."

"Or she just wants to melt your heart."

Something close to a smile flashed across Victor's face. "An odd girl indeed."

"Oh shit."

Victor turned to see Joker coming toward their table. "The reason I avoid this hole."

"Vic! Good to see you!" Joker greeted clapping him on the back.

"I can honestly say the feeling is not mutual."

"Zing!" Eddie joked.

Both Victor and Joker gave him a sideways look.

"Asses, the both of you," Eddie concluded standing up and venturing to an empty table and was more than a little startled when he looked up and saw the homicidal clown taking the seat across from him. "If you kill me there are witnesses and Oswald will surely be displeased with the blood splatter."

"Calm down, I just want to talk," Joker assured him.

"I can't imagine what about."

"Harley."

"One of our two common denominators. Of course."

"What's the other one?"

Eddie raised an eyebrow, sure the Joker was in fact joking but when his signature grin did not expand into a larger smile, he sighed and replied, "Batman of course."

"Oh…right."

"You're slipping there old chum."

"Old age. It's getting to me."

"You know what they say, the mind is always the first to go."

Joker snapped his attention back to Eddie and off the doorway where he was sure he had heard his blonde heart's delight. "I'm sorry what?"

"Then the hearing," he quipped.

"Geeze, you and Freeze getting me in one night, not fair."

"Can we get on with the original conversation? I'm worried if I talk to you too long alone the Tipster might start the rumor we're an item."

"I'm a giver, not a receiver."

Eddie shuddered. "That image can be saved for my next Arkham visit."

"It was a joke."

"I missed the humor in it."

"You miss the humor in everything."

"Only because there is no humor to be found in you."

"I'm hi-fucking-larious. You're just a dud."

"We are digressing again."

Joker cracked his knuckles and put on a more serious face. "Have you spoken to her?"

"Other than the morning runs, I haven't even seen her. Trying to keep my distance since the whole Vegas episode."

"Girlfriend still raw about it?"

"No, thankfully, but I don't want to risk opening old wounds."

Joker nodded. "She built a wall up. Blocked my number, screens the calls so I can't use another phone. I even tried waiting for her to leave but she sneaks passed me somehow."

"Maybe you should take the hint."

"You all keep saying that but none of you get it."

"Quite the contrary, we get it. You're insane."

Joker rolled his eyes.

"This is just a case of wanting what you can't have."

"I can have her."

"Obviously not."

"She still loves me."

Eddie pinched the bridge of his nose. It was like talking to a four year old, always talking in circles. "What do you want me to say Joker? Please just tell me."

Joker got up from the table. "I don't know. Nothing I guess." He bolted for the door.

"Is he still a sad mess?" Holly asked sidling up next to the table.

"Yes."

"Poor guy."

"Poor guy?"

"Yeah, poor guy. To want to be with someone so much and not being able to. I know that feeling and it's the worst." She placed a hand on Eddie's shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "Happy I'm not in that place anymore." She went to wait on another table.

Eddie got up and started for the door. "I hate when you manipulate me!" he yelled as he walked out.

Holly smiled and went on working.

Luckily, in his melancholy state, Joker favored walking over cabs so it wasn't hard to track him down. After a quick jog Eddie caught up with him. "I was being unsympathetic. I've been where you are and while I don't believe you would offer me any help had you known my situation, I'm not a complete sociopath."

"I was trying to help you by getting Harley back."

"Right. Let's not dwell on the past. Just tell me what you want me to do."

"Talk to her."

Eddie sighed. "That's a tough favor Jack."

"Then talk to Selina or even that green loving harpy."

"And?"

"See what she's been saying."

"Should we pass notes too? Do you like Joker? Yes, no, maybe?"

Joker stopped walking and a couple steps later Eddie stopped and turned to face him. "Forget it. I regret even bringing this up."

"Oh come on Joker, after all the crap you dish out you can't take any?" Eddie teased.

Joker pushed passed him and quickly walked away.

"Ivy won't tell me anything but Selina might."

Joker slowed his pace.

"But you can talk to Selina yourself so I'll just go straight to Harley."

Joker stopped altogether.

"You owe me though."

"What exactly do you want?"

"I want you to never let her go again because I'm not doing this twice."


	2. Son Of A Gun

Captain's Log. Stardate….who the hell knows: Moved into my new house a few days ago. You never really realize how many toys/comics/all around nerdiness you have until your friend starts giving you the stink eye as she's boxing up the millionth Batman McDonalds toy.

* * *

><p>"I don't know how I feel about this," Holly admitted as Eddie tied his shoes.<p>

"You're the one who talked me into chasing after Joker."

"I didn't think he'd ask you to sit down with Harley."

"It's a lunch. No alcohol, no Ivy's mutant flowers to screw with our heads. Just me and Harley and lunch."

Holly clicked her tongue and crossed her arms.

"The conversation will be restricted to Joker and how happy I am with you. I promise."

"Its still…I don't know."

"You wanted me to help him."

"You wouldn't like it if I was having lunch with Dick."

"That's different."

"How?"

"He's bigger than me."

Holly laughed.

"Not to mention better looking and richer. And have you seen his body? He's ripped. I can't remember who said it but there was talk of bouncing quarters off his ass."

She was doubled over in the armchair now, holding her stomach in her fit of hysterics.

"If it wasn't for Barbara Gordon I don't know if I ever would've gotten you. I should send that girl a muffin basket really."

Holly's laughter started to die down and she wiped the tears from her eyes. "That was the laugh I needed."

"Point is, you have nothing to worry about."

"Alright. Just make it quick."

* * *

><p>In the Rogue world, the unusual was usual so when out of the blue, Edward Nigma called Harley Quinn to meet for lunch after avoiding her since the "Vegas Incident", she accepted it as the norm and agreed to meet at a little sushi bar a few blocks from her place. She walked in and scanned the room, hoping she wasn't the first one to arrive and happy to see she wasn't.<p>

"Hiya Eddie," she greeted giving him a quick peck on the cheek and taking the seat across from him.

"Hello Harley. I ordered a sample plate, is that ok?"

"That's fine. Everything here is delicious anyway."

"I've never actually been here."

"Really?"

"No, Holly and I usually go to Ngoya for sushi."

"Where's that?"

"Downtown. It's a little trendier and it's usually packed but the food is absolutely amazing."

"I'll have to remember that."

"Yes, they have these amazing rainbow rolls and…"

"Can we stop now?"

"I'm sorry?"

"The polite conversation. Let's cut it out. We're not high school friends catching up. "You're my ex boyfriend who I almost married again a few months ago and we're not even normal ex's because we're not normal people like Mr. and Mrs. Smith-Jones over there," she explained pointing to the couple next to them. "You haven't talked to me for months, which is fine because other than at the Iceberg and when we were dating we usually don't talk. I'm guessing you need or want something so let's get down to business. There's a shoe sale at Dillard's and I have my eye on these Steve Madden peep toe stilettos."

Eddie smiled. "Thank god. I couldn't talk about fish anymore."

"So what's up?"

"I was at the Iceberg last night and I bumped into one of your other ex's."

Harley's smile dropped into a frown. "Are you the messenger now?" she sighed.

"Hardly. He asked me if I had talked to you and I said no, and then he told me how he's been trying to get a hold of you."

"And?"

"I've been where that guy is and it sucks. I realize he's a total ass. Actually, I probably know that better than anyone but I feel for him a little."

"So you invited me to lunch to tell me you feel sorry for him?"

"No, to tell you that and to ask you to maybe see him. Hear him out and then you can write him off."

"I've heard everything he has to say."

Eddie sighed. He didn't know why he was even bothering. They weren't going to get anywhere. "I can't force you but I am asking you, as a friend."

"His friend or mine?"

"I wouldn't say he and I were friends since he'll probably try to shove a can of smile-x in my face next week."

The waitress sat the sampler plate down between them and walked off without bothering to ask if they needed anything else. She, like everyone else around them, could sense the tension in the air.

"You should try the crunchy shrimp rolls. They're the best."

Eddie nodded. He'd lost her. The rest of the lunch was spent faking polite conversation and munching on delicious sushi.

* * *

><p>"I'm bored."<p>

"I'll alert the media," Lex hissed over his shoulder.

Talia huffed and sprawled out on the small couch she was currently occupying.

Lex shook his head. "Insufferable girl. Always needing attention," he grumbled going back to the computer screen.

"We should go out for lunch."

"For the longest time I couldn't get you out of the house and now all you want to do is go out."

"I'm getting cabin fever."

"Well I'm working right now."

Talia pulled herself up off the couch with all the grace and fluid movement of a ballerina and padded over to the desk where Lex was working. She let her arms drape around his neck and her lips softly brushed the back of his head. "Please, Lex darling, let's get out for awhile."

He pulled her arms off of him and didn't bother turning around. "Not now."

She wasn't about to be pushed aside that easily. Talia reached around him, closed the laptop, and sat down on the desk right next to it.

"If you stopped interrupting me, I'd be done."

"But I'm hungry now."

"You're always hungry, or bored, or horny, or whatever. You constantly require my attention. You're like a child."

"You knew I was high maintenance when you got involved with me."

"Yes, but that was why I wasn't getting involved. I was under the impression this was just a fling, but here we are."

Talia's eyes were wide with rage. She stood up and made her way to the bedroom, never taking her eyes off him until the door slammed closed.

Lex pressed the palms of his hands into his eyes as hard as he could. "Damn it." He got up and crossed the room to the door. He lightly knocked. "Darling?"

"What?"

"Would you like to go out for lunch?"

Talia opened the door, completely dressed. "How wonderful of you to offer."

"Let me get ready."

* * *

><p>Selina heard him before she saw him. She was sitting at a table at her favorite little café flipping lazily through the new Vogue. She told herself she loved this place because it was a little hole in the wall unlike Starbucks which was delicious but not too relaxing when you have 50 people crowding around you in line. It had nothing to do with being a block over from Wayne Tower and sometimes Bruce stopped in for an afternoon caffeine refreshment. She could care less what he did. But she couldn't deny that when she heard him order his red eye that her heart skipped the smallest of beats. Casually she glanced up from her magazine just as he looked over. Their eyes met. She smiled just a little and he nodded in return. Casual. Polite. The epitome of their existence after their worlds had collided and were subsequently ripped apart.<p>

Bruce favored the café around the corner from Wayne Tower for two reasons. One, he liked fresh air and little walk. It recharged his batteries after a long morning in the office. Two, although he'd never admit it, he liked catching little glimpses of Selina and for some reason she frequented this spot. He knew she was at her little corner table without even looking. He could smell her pomegranate perfume and sweet cream lotion with just a slight hint of leather from the prowl she took last night. He had spotted her on his patrol and watched her for a couple blocks. She never suspected. Bruce ordered his usual red eye and that's when he felt her green eyes on him. He casually glanced over, she smiled. The smallest twitch of her lips always made him quiver. He nodded. She went back to her magazine. The barista handed him his coffee.

Although she wasn't looking, he knew her attention was on him. He started for her table. She looked up again. He lost is nerve and veered toward the door. Selina closed her magazine and left.

Bruce watched from across the street as she quickly walked out of the café and hailed a cab. After the cab pulled away he started back to work. Those eyes always ruined him. Before they were Bruce and Selina, Batman used to get weak at the knees when Catwoman would look up at him with those brilliant green orbs that seemed to twinkle in the moonlight. Refusing her was always hard and when they took the masks off, he no longer had to. Those eyes in the morning next to him, "Please run down to the kitchen for a cookie. I don't want to get up and I feel weird bugging Alfred," her eyes all innocent, although there was nothing innocent about her. Now when he looked in her eyes all he thought of was that day, "You broke my heart!" The hurt that filled those eyes, that shame. He made her feel that way. He shamed her publically. That hurt was all he saw and the guilt was something he couldn't handle.

Following her to Vegas had been too much and her profession of love after had been unbearable. He never responded to her. The Batsignal lit up the sky. They stood for a moment longer and then he silently went to the cave. She left. That moment was a perfect metaphor for their lives. The city would always be calling him and her life was always going to be tied to his enemies.

* * *

><p>"You didn't have to take me home," Harley assured Eddie for the millionth time as he walked off the elevator with her.<p>

"It's my pleasure."

She rolled her eyes and stuck the key in the lock. The door slowly opened without her assistance. "What the hell?" She pushed it open further to find Joker sitting on the couch.

"I'm really sorry about this Harley but since you wouldn't listen at lunch…" he pushed her in and slammed the door behind her.

"You son of a bitch!" she cried taking a swing at Eddie.

He quickly ducked and managed to grab her wrist. "Please just hear him out."

Realizing the only way to get them out of the apartment was to suffer through Joker's speech, Harley plopped herself down into a chair, folded her arms across her chest, and gave them her best "let's get this over with" look.

"I won't make this long," Joker began. "I still want you."

"Great, thanks for stopping by." She got up and Joker pushed her back down.

"Now see here! What happened in Vegas…"

"Was a drug induced mistake," she interrupted.

"No! It was you acting out your subconscious desires."

"You sound like Freud."  
>"You still care for me, don't deny it!"<p>

"Do you really want to do this?"

"Yes."

"Fine! I loved you. I would've and did anything you asked. I degraded myself chasing after you while you toyed with my head. You told me you loved me and then shattered my entire world when you took it back. If you really do love me, wonderful. Hang onto that. But I can't jump back on this merry-go-round anymore. Do I still care for you? Yes. Always will. But that's it."

Joker reached into his pocket and pulled out two slips of paper. "I have two tickets for a cruise to Paris tomorrow. Boat leaves at 11:30 am. This is me, offering you everything you've ever wanted. You can either be there tomorrow and we start a new life or you can stay here and I will leave you alone forever."

Harley looked at the tickets in his hand. "A new life? New how? It may be different on that boat but the second it docks in Gotham again we start all over. You with Batman, me mindlessly pawing after you."

"I barely gave a thought to Batman this last time."

"Maybe that was the problem. Maybe I'm not enough for you."

"The problem was I listened to some piece of shit magazine…"

"You're not so stupid that you can't think for yourself. There was something else."

"Harley," he whispered.

"I won't be on that boat."

"I'll still be waiting."

* * *

><p>"Bruce and Selina…who's stalking who? Or is that whom? Whatever, I'm not an English major. Other sightings today include Ivy and Harvey taking a walk through the Robinson Park zoo, Oswald at a jewelry store (getting a ring perhaps?), and Dick and Barbara having a rather tense lunch. Come on Dick just apologize already!"<p>

* * *

><p>"The Tipster agrees with me," Barbara snapped.<p>

"Look, I was following a lead."

"I'm your girlfriend, you've known me forever, how could you suspect I was this gossipy little bitch?"

"I'm not going over this anymore. It was a month ago. It's over."

"You're right, it is over." Barbara backed up from the table and started to leave.

"Where are you going?" Dick asked.

"I'm going home."

"Let me pay the bill and…"

"No, I'm going back to my dad's. I'll send for my things."

Dick sat dumbfounded at the table. This was not the afternoon he had planned.

* * *

><p>"I'm going to need four girls working the VIP area tonight. We have a large party for some rapper, the mayor and his entourage, and a foreign dignitary with quite a large group. So, let's see…Lucy you for sure, Tiffany you're they mayor's favorite, and then…damn we have the two new girls tonight. Ok, I'll take the VIP area and we'll settle with three. Giselle, can you watch the new girls and I'll have Scarlet oversee the main dinning room and cover bar. We need more staff," Holly sighed reading over her roster of waitresses. The girls sitting around her all listened intently waiting for their assignments for the evening. "Marni since your leg is still busted you're on coat check, Amy and Eva are on valet, and I will assign the rest of you your sections. Has anyone seen Scarlet?"<p>

One of the girls pointed past Holly. She turned around to see Scarlet skipping through the dinning room. "Hello ladies."

"Hey way to miss the meeting."

"Sorry. You're better at organizing the schedule than me anyway."

"You're on bar and overseeing the main room."

"Great."

"I'll see you girls later," Holly dismissed them.

After the last girl was out of the room, Scarlet squealed, "So what's the deal?"

"We have a whole lot of VIP activity tonight and then there's the new girls…"

"Not with work! Ozzie!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Don't play dumb!" Scarlet handed her phone over to Holly who scanned through the Tipster update.

"Why would I know anything about this?"

"Oh come on Holls! He may sleep with me but he respects you. He tells you everything. Hell, if Gordon ever decided to investigate this place you'd go down as an accomplice."

Holly smirked. "Business is one thing but Mr. Cobblepot and I don't discuss his personal life."

"Liar."

"Holly!" Oswald called poking his head out of his office.

"Speak of the slippery devil!" Scarlet teased.

"Coming my lord." Holly crossed the room to his office and closed the door behind them and then to make sure Scarlet didn't eavesdrop, she whipped the door back open and knocked the poor redhead down. "Go set up the bar," she told her.

"That meddlesome woman," Oswald grumbled.

"You can't dangle a ring in front of a woman's face and not expect her to be curious."

Oswald popped his cigarette holder in his mouth and waited for Holly to light him. Once his cigarette was going, he continued, "I hadn't planned on her finding out. That damned Tipster ruined everything."

"Well I was able to play it clueless."

"Keep playing clueless."

"Can do. So, this foreign dignitary, what's his story?"

"He's not a dignitary at all but I didn't want to advertise Ra's al Ghul was to be here tonight."

"That complicates things."

"How so?"

Holly handed over the reservation list. "I have a table for two under Luthor for the same time as al Ghul."

"Bugger."

"And add to that, it's Friday. More than likely Ivy and Harvey will be here."

Oswald grunted.

"Not done my fine feathered friend. There's also a table being held for Grayson, party of three. I'm guessing one of those chairs is for Bruce Wayne. I also imagine Harley will be dragging Selina here tonight to hang out with Ivy and Harvey. There's also a reservation for Bud Costello."

"So?"

"Bud Costello? Bud as in Bud Abbot and Costello, Lou Costello. Famous comedy duo. Not Joker's best work but it's distinctly him."

Oswald sunk down in his chair. "I'll have Batman at my door in no time."

"At least it can't get worse."

There was a timid knock on the office door.

"Who is it?" Oswald yelled.

"Um, Marni sir."

"Come in."

Marni limped in through the door and handed a slip of paper to Holly. "Another reservation."

"We stop accepting reservations for the night at noon," Ozzie grunted.

"I know but…"

"But nothing!"

"But…"

Oswald snatched the paper from Holly. "Oh god no." He let the reservation drop onto his desk where it rested, name up. Tom Blake.

* * *

><p>Scarlet fluffed up her hair while admiring her reflection in her compact. She wanted to make sure she looked absolutely divine every minute of every day in case Oswald popped the question. A breeze wafted in through the door and tousled her red strands about. She frowned. Working the hostess position was not going to aid her in this endeavor. After Holly and Oswald worked out the seating chart, everyone agreed that Scarlet needed to run interference up front while Holly made sure no one wandered into the VIP area and the demon didn't stroll out. Luckily, there was always an obscene supply of pain killers for headaches in Oswald's office. Scarlet slid the seating chart to the top of her paper pile. Selina and Harley were to be seated at the bar along with Ivy and Harvey, freeing Ivy's usual table up for Dick and his two guests, one of which was more than likely Bruce. Selina would be able to see Bruce from the bar but since they were just avoiding each other a problem wasn't expected. But Dick's table could not be seen from the grotto, which is where Talia and Lex would be seated. This section was secluded, usually requested by lovers, and not visible from the bar or any other area of the dining room. Perfect to keep a catfight from erupting between Talia and Selina, and to keep Talia away from Bruce and causing problems there. Now, the VIP area was off the dining room and you had to walk past the bar to get there but once in the VIP area you didn't have to leave, they had their own private bathrooms so if Ivy should show up first, they would escort Ra's through the back entrance, if he got there before her he could just enter through the front door. This left Tom Blake, Catman. No one particularly liked him except Oswald who only really liked his money and the jewels he fenced in the backroom. While Selina had no more of a problem with him than anyone else, he had a huge problem with her. She was a high profile cat burglar and he didn't even rate on Batman's radar. Oswald assumed Blake would spend a good portion of his time in his office and the rest of his time there they had him stashed at a back table amongst all the other patrons.<p>

Talia and Lex were the first of the problem children to arrive. "Good evening Mr. Luthor, Miss al Ghul," Scarlet greeted.

"Good evening," Lex replied while Talia scanned the room behind the hostess.

"We have your table all ready. Right this way." She started for the grotto.

"No VIP room?" Talia questioned.

Scarlet gritted her teeth and put on her best sweet as candy smile. "We have a large party coming tonight and they're being set up in the VIP room. We figured you two would rather have your privacy."

Talia rolled her eyes.

"I can arrange a table…"

"No!" Lex interjected. "This is fine, I assure you."

"What?" Talia whined.

"I would like a quiet meal."

"The point of coming to the Iceberg is to be seen."

"Which is why I wanted to have dinner somewhere else."

They had reached the intended table now and Scarlet stood there awkwardly holding menus while the couple bickered. Realizing that she might be there for awhile she passed the menus off to a waitress passing by and instructed her to "deal with them". She marched back over to the door just in time to meet the Grayson party.

"Hey Scarlet," Dick said with a wave. "Strange to see you up here."

"You don't even want to know. Hello Mr. Wayne, Tim."

"Hello Scarlet," Bruce replied.

"What's going on?" Dick asked.

"Oh the usual, I have Lex and Talia arguing in the grotto about being seen out in public, Ra's al Ghul arriving any minute to take over my VIP room, I have you three at Ivy's table which is tucked nicely in the corner to keep you," here she pointed at Bruce, "away from her royal pain in the ass highness, and pushed Ivy to the bar. Now if everything goes as planned, we won't have any troubles but since this is the Iceberg I'm sure Batman will show up just in time to peel someone's sorry ass off the ceiling. Did I mention Tom Blake is on my guest list?"

"That sounds complicated."

"It feels like a Riddler puzzle. Now, shall we get you seated before our plan crashes and burns?"

Dick, Tim, and Bruce followed Scarlet to their table. "Holly will be right with you."

"Wonderful."

"Play nice."

"Do you think…" Tim began but was quickly cut off by Dick who said "So help me god if you ask about Harley Quinn."

"I was going to ask if you think I could get them to make me a hamburger," Tim went on.

"I can arrange that. What's everyone drinking?" Holly asked.

"Hey Holls. Can I get a Coke?" Dick ordered.

"And for you two?"

"He'll probably take a Coke," Tim replied pointing to Bruce, "and I'll have a brewski."

"So another Coke and a Shirley Temple for the dweeb," she repeated with a smile. "Anyone else ready to order food?"

"We'll need a minute," Bruce told her.

"I can never decide between the tilapia fillets en papillote and the steak," Dick sighed looking at the menu.

"Barbara told me about lunch," Bruce said nonchalantly.

Dick tossed the menu onto the table. "Damn it."

"Why can't you just apologize?"

"Really? You? You of all people are asking me why I can't just apologize! Ha! Rich! So rich it's fattening."

"I'm aware that I don't take my own advice. But remember, always do as I say not as I do."

"So the next time you say 'fuck Selina' I should hit that like a freight train?"

"I'm going to the bathroom." Bruce got up and made his way to the men's room.

Tim started laughing hysterically. "I can see that exchange now. 'Sorry Selina but Bruce told me to do as he says not as he does and he said to plow you. Mind being on the bottom?'"!

"You are a dweeb."

* * *

><p>Scarlet drummed her fingers on the podium. Hostessing was not the most entertaining job at the Iceberg and just when she thought it was safe to take a lap around the club, Eva, the valet came bolting through the doors like Jervis the day he tried to hat Harley and make her an Alice. The little had run as fast as he could but Joker still caught him and the screams were disturbing. The Eva threw herself onto the podium and choked out "al Ghul! Ivy! Here!" and then promptly collapsed onto the floor. Scarlet walked round to the poor girl and picked her up off the floor.<p>

"They're out there together?"

"They're pulling in the parking lot now."

"Get out there and direct Ra's car to the back entrance and get Ivy's ass quickly through the door."

Eva took a couple deep breaths and ran back out the door.

"Just peachy," Scarlet grumbled.

A second later Ivy and Harvey walked through the main doors discussing the peculiar behavior of the brunette valet.

"Mr. and Mrs. Dent," Scarlet teased.

Ivy rolled her eyes. Since they had come back from Vegas, everyone had been calling her Mrs. Dent.

"Sorry Ivy but we had to give your table away but we reserved a section of the bar for you guys."

"Who's at my table?" Ivy demanded.

"Bruce, Dick, and Tim. We have quite the situation going on and we needed the space and…"

"Hiya Red!" Harley called bouncing up to her best buddy with Selina strolling up behind her.

"Get this, they gave away my table and they're saddling us up at the bar!"

"Who's got your table?" Selina inquired.

"You're boyfriend and his brats."

"Bruce is here?"

"Yes and we needed to because of this whole mess of a…" Scarlet tried to explain.

"Pamela."

Ivy froze.

"Yeah, see, this is part of the craziness going on," Scarlet sighed.

Ra's stood behind Ivy and smiled. "You look absolutely ravishing."

"Back off or I'll toss your ass back to wherever-stan," Two-Face warned putting himself between Ivy and Ra's.

"I am simply offering the lady a compliment," Ra's replied putting up his hands in surrender. "Miss Kyle, Miss Quinn, good evening."

Harley offered a tense smile and a wave while Selina examined her finger nails.

"Right this way Mr. al Ghul," Scarlet interjected hoping to break the tension.

Ra's gave a polite nod and he and his party followed Scarlet back to the VIP room.

As they crossed the main room, Scarlet suddenly had this strange feeling like the world was about stop. That's when Talia marched out of the grotto after having another row with Lex and right into her father.

"Talia? You are still in Gotham?" Ra's asked.

"What are you doing in Gotham?" Talia shot back.

Holly bounded over to get Talia back to her seat but it was too late. Talia saw Selina standing in the lobby at the same time Bruce started walking toward Selina.

"Bruce!" Talia called.

Selina snapped her attention over to the crowd. "Son of a bitch."

"Fuck me," Bruce sighed.

"That is the one time I will not do as you say," Dick joked.

* * *

><p>The idea was simple enough, keep everyone away from everyone else but here they all were, standing in the main room, toe to toe. Scarlet and Holly kept to the outskirts of the group, ready to flee when the awkwardness faded and the rage set in. Surprisingly, Ra's was the first one to smile and wave off the tension. "I do believe my table is ready. I hope you all enjoy your evening." He motioned for her to lead the way and she was happy to get out of there.<p>

Bruce smiled at both Talia and Selina. He felt like setting himself on fire. "Ladies," he said finally.

"I believe the rest of my party is heading for the bar." Selina gave a smile and made her way over to her friends leaving Bruce alone with Talia and a nervous Holly who was supposed to be in the VIP area.

* * *

><p>Lex began to get curious as to his date's whereabouts so he peaked out of the grotto area and spotted her with Bruce Wayne. His instincts were to go over there and punch that playboy ass right in the head but after a few quick deep breaths he went back to his seat. "If she w3ants Bruce Wayne, she can have him," he told himself. "Good riddance." But a knot had formed in his stomach and his hands trembled a little.<p>

* * *

><p>"You look…" Bruce began.<p>

"I'm here with Lex. He's waiting for me."

"I see."

"Don't act like you're disappointed. It's what you always wanted, me with someone else." She turned and made her way back to her table.

"Still standing there Holly?" Bruce asked.

"Nope. Going back to work."

* * *

><p>"Do you hear that?" Holly asked taking a break to see Scarlet.<p>

"I don't hear anything," Scarlet replied.

"Exactly."

"Calm before the storm?"

"I'll batten down the hatches."

* * *

><p>A chill ran down Harley's spine causing her to shake.<p>

"You alright there?" Harvey inquired.

"Yeah I just got a chill."

"Someone walking over your grave?"

"More like Ron Perlman fell in dick first."

Harvey closed his eyes and shook his head.

"You asked," Ivy scolded.

"I know."

* * *

><p>"Keep the change," Joker said throwing a wad of Monopoly money at the dead smiling taxi driver. "Ah the Iceberg! Just what I need, a good night out."<p> 


	3. Gun Show

Author's Note: I finished my Joker tattoo on my hip! It's super sexy and I'm having trouble keeping my shirt on because I wanna show it off everywhere!

* * *

><p>Oswald kicked a shard of glass out of his way and shook his head. "Too many unstable chemicals in the mixture," he sighed.<p>

Scarlet wrapped her arms around his shoulders and rested her head on his, "I'm sorry Ozzie."

"These things will happen. This is why I have such high insurance." He walked over to the wall where the waist on down of a man hung out "How are you feeling Mr. Blake?"

Tom Blake groaned and said nothing more.

"I can sympathize."

Over at the bar, Holly was attempting to wipe up the many spilled beverages. She sighed and threw in the towel, literally. "Fuck it."

"Should I do as Holly says?" Dick joked.

Bruce shoved him off the barstool.

Selina looked down at the floor where Dick was laying and dropped her ice pack down onto his face.

"Thank you!" he called up to her.

"Don't mention it."

Talia and Lex stumbled over to the bar. Lex handed Holly a large amount of cash while Talia furiously raked her fingers through her hair trying to loosen the knots. "That should cover…something."

"I'll hand it right over to Mr. Cobblepot."

"Bruce," Lex began, "I'm sorry I took a swing at you."

"Don't worry about it."

"Is you eye going to be ok?"

Bruce pulled the frozen steak away from his face and attempted to open his eye. "Should be fine…in a couple days."

"Really sorry. Goodnight everyone."

"Goodnight," Talia added walking with Lex arm in arm toward the door.

Harley hopped up onto the empty barstool next to Selina. "Oi."

"Oi indeed," Selina agreed rubbing the back of her head.

"Have you seen Red?"

"Nope. Have you seen Harvey?"

"He's back here," Holly answered giving Harvey a nudge with her foot. "Seems like he's still alive."

Ivy, with the help of Joker, wandered over to the group. "Get off me clown," she hissed after she grabbed onto the bar for support.

Joker unhanded the angry red head and immediately fell backward. Apparently Ivy wasn't the only one needing help to stand.

Throughout the rest of the main room there were scattered unconscious, possibly dead, members of the League of Assassins. Ra's al Ghul was reclining on a booth seat.

* * *

><p>The Joker Arrives…<p>

"Oh god," Harley sighed.

"What?" Selina asked.

"Joker."

"Ignore him."

"Easier said than done."

Joker started for the bar but when he got near Harley, he kept his eyes forward and blew right past her to the other end where he took a seat and ordered a Manhattan. She was stunned.

"That was easy," Selina joked.

Aloud Harley said "Good, he can stay there." But in her mind she screamed "What the hell assface?"

"Did Joker just walk right past you like you didn't exist?" Ivy asked.

"Did your ass get fatter?" Harley muttered under her breath.

"What was that?"

"I said yeah, good," she lied.

Harvey leaned over and whispered, "I think she made a comment about your ass getting fatter."

"I heard her!" Ivy snapped back.

"Your ass isn't fatter," he assured her.

"Fatter? Implying it is indeed fat!"

"Um…I…Bruce is flagging me over!" Harvey got up and bolted for the Wayne table. "Hey buddy."

"Hello," Bruce replied.

"Kids, you look good."

"You inadvertently insulted your girlfriend didn't you?" Dick asked.

"I unintentionally implied her ass was fat," he admitted.

"Ouch."

"It was a trap. I couldn't win."

"You never can," Bruce sighed patting him on the shoulder.

"Fuck me."

"Should I do as Harvey…"

"Dick so help me god if you finish that sentence I will beat you within an inch of your life," Bruce warned.

Dick and Tim snickered.

"Do I want to know?" Harvey inquired.

"Probably not," Bruce answered.

* * *

><p>Joker lit up a cigarette and sipped his Manhattan. Ever so stealthily, he stole a couple glances in Harley's direction. To the untrained eye it looked like his blatant disregard for her didn't even register on her radar but Joker could see it in her face, her eyes were usually wider, brighter, wild but now they sat slightly dim. The pep that filled her voice was forced. She was choked up. His smile broadened. He was getting to her.<p>

"Don't you look like that cat that ate the canary," Holly said as she stepped behind the bar to prepare her table's drink order.

Joker adopted his most innocent face and shrugged.

"Quit trying to be cute."

"I can't help that I'm adorable."

"What are you up to and how much is it going to cost in damages?"

"I'm offended! Why ever would you suspect I'm up to something?"

Holly slapped her drinks onto her tray and grabbed Joker by the lapels. As she pulled him over the bar she told him, "So help me god, if you make this night harder than it has to be I will destroy you."

"You should watch who you make threats to my dear," Joker warned.

"I'm not threatening, I'm promising. And I'm not afraid of you."

"You should be."

Holly tightened her grip and yanked him closer to her face. For a second, Joker wondered if she was the new Batgirl since Batman was the only one who usually pulled this move. "It's you who should be scared of me."

Joker locked eyes with her, leaned closer, and licked her from her chin to her forehead.

Holly released him and wiped her face. "That's gross!"

"Be very afraid!" he laughed.

"For the last time Jack, don't try anything!" She picked up her tray and went back to waiting tables.

"For the last time Jack, don't try anything," he mimicked as she walked away. He rolled his eyes. He wasn't afraid of her…much.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, at the Luthor's…<p>

Talia walked back into the grotto, took her seat, and opened her menu.

"How's Bruce Wayne?" Lex asked sounding as disinterested as he could while staring at his menu.

Talia shrugged. "I didn't ask."

Lex nodded.

"I told him I was here with you," she went on, giving him a sideways glance to gage his response.

Again he nodded.

"Did we decide on what we're ordering?" the waitress asked nervously as she approached the table for the millionth time.

"I'll take a scotch and keep them coming," Lex told her.

"Bring me a bottle of white wine," Talia answered.

"Would you like…"

"Any white wine will do just bring it."

"Ok." The waitress couldn't get away from them fast enough.

* * *

><p>"It's not like I don't want to patch things up with Barbara but I just can't seem to form the right sentence and you are not listening," Dick sighed as Bruce kept his gaze on the bar where Selina was laughing at something that must've been hilarious because she was holding her stomach. Dick snapped his fingers in front of Bruce's eyes.<p>

Bruce snapped his attention back to Dick. "Huh?"

"Exactly. Go talk to her."

"Talia is here."

"You say that like it has anything to do with the conversation at hand," Dick replied.

"She'll get involved. I know it."

"She's here with Lex."

"She's never anywhere with anyone. She's waiting for the right moment."

"Yeah, ok, let's pretend you're not certifiable for one minute ok buddy? Go talk to Selina."

"Call Barbara."

"Pown!" Tim chimed in.

Dick threw his arms up in frustration and silence fell over the table.

More laughter erupted from the bar. Bruce looked over there again, longingly. "I'm afraid to talk to her. I don't want to damage us anymore than we already are."

"I bought a ring," Dick announced.

Tim and Bruce sat silent and stared at Dick.

"I was walking down 5th and something caught my eye in the Tiffany's window. I went in and found this," he pulled a box out of his pocket and opened it. Inside was a solitaire diamond shaped like a flower on a silver band. "It's called the Tiffany Flower. It's nothing super fancy but it just felt right. Simple, elegant, different, like her." Dick put the ring back in his pocket. "I've been waiting for this whole Tipster thing to blow over but it didn't and now here we are."

* * *

><p>Thomas Blake, aka Catman, strutted into the Iceberg Lounge like he was the end all be all in the rogue community. Dressed in his best new suit and carrying a satchel full of new things he picked up in his excursion to the Congo, ready to be sold to Oswald if the price was right. He rested his left arm on Scarlet's podium, leaned in close, and said "Hello gorgeous, I'm here to see Mr. Cobblepot."<p>

Scarlet rolled her eyes. "Hello Blake."

"You look lovelier every time I see you Scarlet."

"I'll walk you back to Oswald's office."

They entered the main room and immediately his eyes found Selina Kyle at the bar. He deviated from Scarlet's oath and headed over there. "Well well well, Selina Kyle."

Selina turned around knowing full well who was standing behind her. "Well well well, Thomas Blake. Haven't seen you in awhile."

"I've been working, in the Congo." He motioned toward his satchel.

"Nice purse."

"It's not a purse," he snarled.

"Oh, no, of course not."

"I've been keeping up on the goings on in Gotham, looks like Catwoman's been out of commission for awhile."

Selina shrugged and sipped her Cosmo.

"What's the matter? Bruce Wayne tame the lioness?"

She glared.

"Looks like he's got his eye on another pussy." He nodded toward Bruce Wayne's tale where a beautiful brunette was jotting down her phone number and giggling like a school girl. Bruce was smiling and giving her the once over so everyone could see. Typical playboy fop behavior Bruce was known for but those who really knew him knew it was an act. It still dug at Selina and combined with the pussy comment it set her off.

As Blake continued his pilgrimage to Oswald's office, Selina got up, stomped after him, tapped him in the shoulder, and punched him right in the jaw.

After a couple of seconds, Tom shook off the right hook just as Selina turned around to walk away. He balled up his fist ready to attack from behind when Bruce grabbed his arm.

"I don't think so," Bruce growled.

Tom wrenched his arm free and took a swing at Bruce who easily dodged the blow.

Selina whipped back around but before she could jump into the fray, out of nowhere a rather drunk Lex Luthor joined in and popped Bruce right in the eye.

"What the hell?" Bruce asked holding his stomach.

"You know why!" Lex yelled.

"What are you doing?" Talia cried as she joined the spectacle.

"I'll show him who's your man!"

"You're ridiculous!"

Lex grabbed her by the waist and made an attempt to kiss her but Talia wriggled free and pushed him away. "The nerve of you," she hissed.

Before he could come back at her, Joker snatched both Lex's arms up behind his back and said "I got him Brucie! Take a swing!"

"Joker let him go! Lex I'm not interested in Tal…ugh!" Blake managed to land a hit directly to Bruce's eye.

"Oh hell," Harvey grunted looking over from the bar.

Ivy shook her head. "Don't get involved."

Tom then turned his attention back to Selina. She was so distracted by the whole scene she didn't realize Tom was gearing up for a blow until it landed on her chest. With the wind completely knocked out of her, she crumpled to the floor.

"That's it!" Two-Face snarled. He grabbed Blake by the throat.

Bruce didn't know where to start to break this up.

"Unhand me clown!" Lex demanded. "Talia! Help!"

Talia wanted to walk away but decided to save herself from a fight later and punched Joker in the side. He let go of Lex and joined Selina on the floor where Talia kicked him in the ribs.

* * *

><p>"Your boyfriend is in trouble," Ivy noted.<p>

"I think he can handle it," Harley replied.

And that's when the League of Assassins stepped in.

* * *

><p>There was no clear winner in the fray. Everyone lay everywhere, bruised, broke, pride wounded. The normal patrons fled when Tom Blake was thrown out into the tables by Harvey…or was it Two-Face? The two had switched so much no one could keep track. As Oswald surveyed the rest of the damage the group sat at the bar.<p>

"How's your head?" Joker asked Harley rubbing the knot that was forming at her occipital bone where the head of one of the assassins had hit her.

"Sore. How's your…everything?"

"Hurts like hell."

She smiled and draped an arm lazily around the back of his waist, resting her hand in his jacket pocket.

* * *

><p>The next morning…<p>

Talia flung open the curtains in the bedroom at the hotel. The sunlight blinded Lex and caused his hangover to go into overdrive. "For the love of god woman!" he growled trying to hide under the covers.

"I told him I was at the Iceberg with you!" she yelled.

"What?"

"Bruce Wayne! When I ran into him, I told him I was with you!"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"I told you that and then you drank yourself into oblivion and got into a bar-room brawl with him!"

Lex flung the sheets back off his face and stared at her.

Talia closed the curtains again and faced him. She slid down the wall until she was sitting on the floor. She pulled her knees up to her face and buried her face in her arms. "I told him I was with you. All I wanted was a night out where everyone could see me with you. As a couple."

Lex shakily got up and sat on the floor next to her.

"I'm so tired of being the secret girlfriend. The girl they want to be with behind closed doors." She wiped the tears from her eyes. "I'm so stupid. This was just a fling and I'm trying to force it into something else."

He draped his arm around her and pulled her into his chest. "I'm sorry I acted like an ass."

"Don't be. I'm just going to go." She started to stand up but he pulled her back down.

"You're not going anywhere."

"Lex, stop…"

"This is not a fling. It never was going to be a fling or else it would've ended the day I decided to go back to Metropolis. Instead I agreed to go to Gotham with you. And last night was a knee jerk reaction to seeing you talk to him."

"Since when are you insecure?"

"Since I met the most difficult woman in the world."

* * *

><p>Selina was used to waking up in various bizarre situations, but being jumped on by Harley Quinn was an entirely new experience. "What are you doing you ditzy ass?"<p>

"You have to get up!" Harley whined giving her another good bounce.

"If the apartment isn't on fire, then I don't care."

"Well, then I'll jut see if someone else wants to go with me to Paris."

Selina's eyes flung open but she didn't stir otherwise. "Explain yourself."

"I have two tickets for a first class cruise to Paris France."

"Where did you get those?" Selina sat up now and took the tickets from Harley's hand to inspect them further.

"Joker. I'm supposed to meet him there and go with him. I filched them from his jacket pocket last night."

"You're on your way to becoming a regular Catwoman," Selina joked.

"Well, are you coming or not?"

"I don't even know where my passport is."

Harley pulled two passports out from behind her back. "Behold!"

Selina took them, "Lorelei Lee and Dorothy Shaw?"

"I got the idea from Gentlemen Prefer Blondes!" she beamed proudly.

"Why can't I be Selina Kyle?"

"Since the Tipster started spilling our every move, it'll be too much notoriety to use our real names and we're likely to get arrested."

Selina laughed. "With you, we'll probably get arrested anyway."

"And this way it's like I'm really on vacation. All Harley Quinn's problems can stay in Gotham City. Lorelei Lee is free to have fun."

"I don't know about this Harl."

Harley pouted. "Ok. I'll just stay here, in Gotham. Miserable."

"Don't guilt trip me girl."

She pouted more.

"Damn you. What time do we have to be at the dock?"

Harley squealed with excitement and resumed her bouncing. "This is going to be so much fun!"

* * *

><p>Joker raced through the crowd, unceremoniously pushing people out of his way to clear the path. He could see the ship just up ahead and on the walkway leading up to the door was Harley's little blonde head. "Harley!" He yelled as he approached the barrier.<p>

She turned and scanned the crowd until her eyes found him. "Hello Joker. Or should I say Bon voyage?"

"What are you doing?" he called up to her.

"Going to Paris."

"You stole my tickets!"

"I decided to make it a girls' trip."

Selina leaned around Harley, waved, and said "Hey Jack!"

"You little…you…you…gah!" he cried out frustrated.

Harley gave a final wave and she and Selina boarded the ship.


	4. Bye Bye Baby

Author's Note: Done with school FOREVER!

* * *

><p>"I must admit, I am very impressed with the Joker's taste in travel options," Selina said looking about their deluxe cabin. Normally you were lucky to have walking room in your cabin but this was more of a hotel suite with a parlor and separate bedroom area which contained one large king bed, two dressers, and a vanity. In the parlor was a large ornate red couch with a dark oak coffee table, a flat screen television, and a reclining chair. Off the parlor was the bathroom with a stand alone shower, tub, and a mirror that was so large, Selina could lie across the counter and see her full body.<p>

"Mistah J hates traveling common," Harley sighed. "If he has to leave Gotham he's going to do it first class all the way."

"I only wish he would do it with two beds instead of one."

"I'll try and keep my hands to myself," Harley joked.

"No you won't."

"I know."

Selina shook her head, grabbed her suitcase, and made her way to the bedroom to put away her things.

Harley was right behind her when her phone began to ring.

"Who's that?" Selina called.

"Uh-oh!"

"Spaghettios?"

"It's Joker."

"Better answer it now and get it over with."

Harley took a big gulp, shook off her nerves, smiled, and said "Hello Mistah J," into the phone.

"Just what the hell are you doing?" he screamed like a howler monkey.

"Well, currently I'm sitting on the couch of my deluxe cabin on the cruise ship and in a few minutes I plan on putting my things away."  
>"You stole those tickets from me!"<p>

"You act like I'm Jim Gordon or something! Remember, I'm a criminal! Stealing is what I do."

"Not from me you don't! You and that other thieving tart better get your asses off that ship this minute!"

"Or you'll do what?"

"Oh, I will do something missy, don't you worry."

"I'm shaking in my stilettos really I am."

"Harleen Francis…"

"Well Mistah J, it's been real, it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun. Kloveyabye." Harley quickly hit the end button before he could reply and left the phone on silent, on the coffee table while she joined Selina in the bedroom.

* * *

><p>Favors, they were worth more in the Rogue community than money. Everyone did favors in hopes that one day the favor would be returned. Oswald loved a favor more than anyone. Especially since he had retired from his life of crime…well, his public life of crime. This was why he was letting the Joker sit behind his desk, feet propped up on top, smoking his cigar. It was a big favor, the clown had promised. The kind that Oswald would hold onto like a precious jewel until the time was right.<p>

"So what exactly did you have in mind?" Oswald asked eager to get down to business.

Joker slid copies of a couple of passports along with driver's license copies over to Oswald. "Lorelei Lee and Dorothy Shaw."

"Clever…sort of. So what did your little bird do now to rile you up?"

"She left for Paris with that one."

"And what is it you want me to do?"

"I want them destroyed."

"You'll regret killing her Joker, I can promise you that."

"Not in the literal sense, but financially, and maybe even legally."

Oswald's interest was tweaked again.

"They have their fake credit cards, their lines of credit, I want them cut off. Stuck without a cent."

"I would need to know where they are, who they're banking with, etcetera."

"I'll get you all the information you need."

"And what does stranding them in Paris accomplish exactly?"

"She'll need me Oz, she'll need help."

"What if she doesn't call you?"

"Oh, she will."

"And how exactly are you going to track her?"

Joker smiled and blew a ring of smoke in Oswald's face. "Don't you ruffle a single feather worrying about that."

* * *

><p>Dick had been staying at Wayne Manor even though he had his own apartment in the city. But ever since Barbara had packed her things and moved out he couldn't bring himself to stay there. Everything was a memory of her.<p>

Bruce usually enjoyed having Dick at home but lately he had been unbearable. Between the bouts of Barbara-centric depression and his "let me tell you how to run your love life" rants, Bruce had had enough. Which was why he was sitting at the Golden Dragon with Barbara Gordon herself. If he couldn't get Dick to either get over it or move on then he could perhaps appeal to Barbara to make the first move.

"Have you lost your mind?" she exclaimed jumping back from the table.

"I'm not saying admit you're wrong, I'm just asking you to call him and say you over reacted a little," Bruce pleaded.

"I'm going to over react my purse upside your head," she warned.

"That doesn't even make sense!"

"Neither does what you're asking."

"Look, Dick feels really bad about the whole…"

"Then Dick should man up and apologize. I knew this whole lunch was a mistake." Barbara started to back up from the table to leave.

"Barbara wait! Look, I'm terrible at relationships,"

"World's greatest detective," she snapped.

Bruce ignored her comment and went on, "But I do know he loves you and that this was a giant mistake. Unfortunately, he is my son and he's managed to botch this up more just like I'm screwing up our relationship now. You can't fault him for things he learned from me. Just call him, and let him beg for forgiveness."

"Goodbye Bruce."

"He bought a ring!" It was a last ditch effort and his final resort. If this failed he would buy Dick a puppy…or a hooker.

Barbara only paused for a minute before she continued out the door.

"I really hope he chooses the puppy."

* * *

><p>She wasn't normally one to get all fancied up. It was considered quite the affair to see her put on some lip gloss. Not that she needed to, she was quite lovely all on her own. But it wasn't everyday the Joker, Clown Prince of Crime, King of the Rogues (well…in his own mind), called you for a meeting. So, before ringing his bell, she ever so carefully applied her dark red lipstick and checked herself in her compact. Now, don't get confused, she had no interest in sparking the Joker's interest. Only one woman was crazy enough to ride that ride. She just wanted to be presentable.<p>

She scanned the list of names outside the apartment building's door. Hoker. Her lips curled into a smile as she hit the button. He didn't even ask who it was, just buzzed her in. She made a line for the elevator and hit penthouse. He was standing in the doorway as she stepped off the elevator. Signature grin just a little more devious than usual. She quirked an eyebrow and walked past him. He closed the door behind her and ushered her over to the rooftop terrace. They took their seats at the small garden table.

"Can I offer you a drink?" he asked gesturing toward the lemonade he'd set out.

"From you? No," she replied.

"Fair enough."

"I'm a busy girl, let's cut to the chase."

"No pleasantries?"

"Since when have we ever exchanged pleasantries? I wouldn't call us friends."

"I suppose not. Business it is. I need a favor."

"I'm intrigued. What could you possibly need from me?"

"Information."

"Care to be more specific?"

"Harley has hopped a boat to Paris with Selina. I want to know where she is, who she's with, etcetera."

"How exactly am I supposed to know…"

"I'm not finished. I also want it off the Tipster site."

"Curious, does it say magician on my forehead?"

"And if you don't do as I ask my dear, I am going to hand Oswald Cobblepot this little envelope right here," here Joker pulled a medium sized white envelope out of his inner jacket pocket, "full of all the evidence I have of you being the Tipster. And while I can't be certain what he will do with the information, I can guarantee your days of playing Gotham Gossip will be over. And should he decide to sell it off and let's say Harvey gets a hold of it, well, you're whole life may be over."

She stiffened a little in her chair. "You couldn't possibly have undisputable proof I'm the Tipster. Not even Batman has been able to track me down."

"I don't need undisputable proof. I just need a plausible theory dear."

"He won't believe you."

Joker smirked. "Then why are you so nervous?"

She took a deep breath. "A story like this being buried, my fans won't like it."

"Boohoo."

"Is my return favor you not leaking my secret?"

"I think it's more than enough."

"Seems more like blackmail."

"Well, in our line of work who can really tell the difference?"

She smiled. "I guess I'll have a glass of that lemonade now."

* * *

><p>"You hear that?" Ivy asked looking around the apartment.<p>

"I don't hear anything," Harvey replied looking around as well.

"Exactly. Silence. Without giggles and queen of the annoyed stifled screams we have golden silence."

Harvey smiled. "Miss them already?"

Ivy scoffed. "No, this is the first day I haven't had to chase someone around cleaning up after them. I can leave, come back, and know everything is exactly where I left it and there won't be a scuffle on my living room floor. I like it."

"You kicking them out when they get back?"

She bit her lip.

"You're thinking about it, aren't you?"

"I was in the elevator the other day with Mrs. Crandall…"

"Who?"

"Mrs. Crandall, little old lady who lives in 3B."

"The one with the parrot?"

"No, that's Mrs. McNabb. Mrs. Crandall is a short little thing, always wearing the Chanel suits and the crazy hats like she's going to the royal wedding."

Harvey thought about it for a second. "The one who calls me Herb?"

"Yes, that one."

"So what about Mrs. Crandall?"

"Well, she was telling me that her son and his wife recently had a baby…"

"Fascinating." Harvey rolled his eyes.

"I'm not done! Well, it's her first grandchild and it looks like it might be her only one. Anyway, her son lives in Bridgeport…"

"Where the hell is that?"

"Connecticut. As I was saying, he lives in Bridgeport…"

"Why?"

"Shut up and let me finish. He lives in Bridgeport and it's quite the drive for her so she's going to move to town so she can help out and be with her family. Nothing is official yet and I told her if she does decide to move to let me know. It's a two bedroom and perfect for those two."

Harvey stared at her. "Since when do you talk to the neighbors?"

Ivy threw her hands up in frustration and gave an annoyed grunt.

"What?"

"Were you even paying attention?"

"I'm just teasing you."

"Maybe I should keep those two and put you in your own apartment."

"Do I get conjugal visits?"

Ivy picked one of the throw pillows up off the couch and whipped it at his head.

"Wanna do Chinese for lunch?" he called after her as she stormed down the hallway. "Your silence means yes."

* * *

><p>Holly let a low whistle escape her lips as she stared over Oswald's shoulder at his computer screen.<p>

"Exquisite isn't it?" he said beaming.

"It looks like part of the crown jewels. How on Earth is Scarlet going to be able to carry a tray with that boulder weighing down her hand?"

Oswald smiled, pleased with himself.

"That looks like something Elizabeth Taylor would wear."

"It is. That is the Harry Winston 33.19 carat Asscher-cut diamond Richard Burton gave Elizabeth Taylor."

"The fucking Krupp diamond!" Holly all but screamed jumping back from the computer.

"Keep your voice down. But yes, the fucking Krupp diamond. I was alerted to it's being for sale and after touring various jewelry stores decided nothing would do besides it."

"Couldn't find a diamond penguin ring?"

"That would be tacky."

"Can I ask what this set you back?"

Oswald's smile grew. He loved flaunting his money. "$8,818,500.00."

"Did you have to sell the Iceberg?"

"Of course not. I have more than enough stashed away my dear."

"Well that is some rock. When are you giving it to her?"

"I'm planning the perfect proposal. I get the ring this weekend."

"Lucky girl."

"I'm a lucky man."

"Hope you're a lucky man with health insurance. She's going to need physical therapy after a week of carrying the beast around."

* * *

><p>"Short day at the office," Eddie remarked as Holly walked in the door. She was smiling maniacally, in a way that would make Joker proud. "What's wrong with you?"<p>

"Oswald showed me the ring he bought Scarlet!"

"And?"

"It's the Krupp diamond!"

Eddie stared at her blankly.

"The Krupp diamond? The diamond Richard Burton gave Elizabeth Taylor."

"Still not sure why that's so exciting."

Holly huffed, marched over to her laptop, and pulled up an image of the Krupp diamond.

"Holy shit."

"Wait until you see in on a finger." She found a picture of Elizabeth Taylor wearing the stunning piece.

"HOLY SHIT!"

"That's the reaction I want."

"That thing is an iceberg! What the hell did he buy that for?"

"The only thing that would do according to him."

Eddie watched Holly star longingly at the computer screen. His gut kind of sank down to his feet. There was no way in a million years he would be able to get her a ring like that unless he stole it. Which was fine but he was positive that even something similar wouldn't compare to that ring. Damn Oswald. "Well, it's a real nice ring."

"It's a freaking amazing ring."

Eddie nodded. "Well I promised Jervis I would stop by so I'm going to run over there real quick."

"Ok. Are you alright? You look a little down."

"Fine. Tired. I'll see you in a bit."

* * *

><p>"Do you want to know the sex of the baby?" the ultrasound technician asked.<p>

Alice and Jervis exchanged looks. They had been discussing this since the moment he found out she was pregnant, or so it seemed.

"Do we?" Alice asked.

"I don't know," he replied.

"Well how about this." The technician took out a piece of paper, scribbled down something, stuck it in an envelope, and handed it to the couple. "Now you can either look or throw it away."

As they waited for a cab outside the doctor's office Alice toyed with the envelope. "Should I open it?"

"I thought we wanted to be surprised."

"I know but think how much easier it would be to decorate and shop."

"Two things I could care less about."

Alice flipped the envelope over again and played with the flap.

"You can look, just don't tell me."

A cab pulled up in front of them. Jervis opened the door for her and before she climbed in, she tossed the envelope in the trash.

* * *

><p>"Hello darlings! Miss me? Today I have a special update for you. Alice and Jervis sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love. Then comes…well…they skipped that part. Then comes a girl in a baby carriage! Congratulations on your DAUGHTER! Let the pink buying spree commence!"<p>

* * *

><p>Vicki Vale wasn't exactly thrilled when she got handed a fluff piece a couple weeks back. And even less thrilled when she discovered the subject would be Lex Luthor. She was a hard hitting journalist, not a talk show host. Interviewing important public figures was one thing, but having a dish session with some one who made her skin crawl was another thing entirely. Just thinking about it made her want to shower. But this was the kind of thing she knew to expect when she got back into television. It was a shame that writing for the paper couldn't pay her the way fawning over egomaniacs did.<p>

"5 minutes Vic," the producer called over to her.

"Thanks." Exactly why couldn't they hire the Tipster to do this? It was more up her alley.

She dutifully walked over to the set and took her spot in her arm chair across from Lex Luthor who was already seated and playing with his phone. "Iphone?" she asked politely.

"Droid," he replied curtly.

"You like it?"

"It works fine."

This was going to be a long segment. The producer signaled they were ready to begin, gave the countdown, and as he approached one she shook off all of her negative thoughts, sat up straight, plastered on that fake smile, and went at it like a pro.

"Good morning Gotham, Vicki Vale here with the illustrious Lex Luthor."

"Good morning Ms. Vale."

"Lex, tell me, what's new with you? It's been awhile since you've been in the media. Playing it low key these days?"

"Trying to lead a more personal life. I'm just a simple business man. Not a playboy fop bed hopping and bar hopping. Why anyone was ever interested in my personal life is beyond me," he explained easily.

"Well when you're raking it in the way your company does, everything you do becomes interesting. Everyday Joe's want to know how they too can become a millionaire."

Lex waved off her comment with a smile.

"And now with the Tipster putting you in with Gotham's notorious Rogue's gallery, you're quite the commodity."

"Yes well, it's all idle gossip."

"Any truth to any of it?"

Back at the hotel, Talia was watching the interview curious as to what he would say about her, if anything at all. She felt like she was holding her breath.

"No, it's all preposterous," he laughed.

"So you're not, we'll say, bed buddies with Talia al Ghul?"

"Absolutely not."

Talia wanted to shred the curtains. Didn't he listen to a thing she had said earlier?

"Talia is my girlfriend. A much more respectable title and not tawdry as the Tipster would have you believe."

Vicki didn't know what to say. She figured he would deny all of all the way around. "Well, I am very happy for the both of you."

"Thank you."

"We're taking a small break and we'll be right back in just a minute."

The second the cameras cut away, Lex's phone began to ring. "Hello."

"You're an ass," Talia cooed.

"I take it you're watching."

"When are you out of there?"

"One more segment and I'll be on my way back to the hotel.

"Good. Let's check out and go to Metropolis."

"Really?"

"Yes. I want to get away from this town and all the nonsense in it. You and me."

"Start packing the bags."

* * *

><p>She sat at her desk in a green satin robe scrolling through the various emails and messages as they came in. Trying to find the juiciest topics for the updates. All the while fighting to keep her red hair out of her face. The light from the screen was the only light in the room and the only sound was the clicking of the mouse. "Hello," she thought as she clicked open one of the newest emails. The sender was a James Howell, Captain James Howell and the subject bar read "Question". She opened the attachment. It was a picture of two women leaning against the railing of what looked to be a ship. The email read "The list says they're a Lorelei Lee and Dorothy Shaw but I could swear they're Harley Quinn and Selina Kyle."<p>

"Oh captain my captain," she purred quickly pulling up a reply email. "You would be correct, they are. I need you to keep me updated on all their activities. I don't want them breathing without a picture. Alert your crew. Trust me, I'll make it worth your while." She excitedly hit send. After a victory sip of her martini she picked up her phone.

"What?" Joker grumbled from the other end of the line.

"Be nice. I have something exciting for you."

"And just what would that be?"

"Our own personal spy team aboard the Atlantic Princess. The captain appears to be a Tipster fan and he's going to be our little helper."

Loud, uncontrolled laughter erupted over the phone. She rolled her eyes and clicked end. Clearly he was pleased.


	5. Anybody Here For Love

Author's Note: Have any of you ever had Unicorn Poop? It's a cookie…looks freaking amazing…making it this weekend…probably going to end badly.

* * *

><p>"I wanted it to be a surprise!" Alice whaled flinging herself onto her bed in a full temper tantrum.<p>

Jervis quietly and oh so carefully closed the door and tip toed down the hallway to the living room where Eddie sat sipping a glass of burgundy he helped himself to. "She's a little emotional."

Eddie quirked an eyebrow. "A little? Really Jervis?"

"Alright she's straight jacket in solitary confinement emotional."

"Better."

"I'm sure you didn't come here to point out the obvious, what is on your mind?" Jervis asked pouring himself a glass of his own wine.

"Well first and foremost, congratulations on your girl."

"Thank you."

"And I think I speak for everyone when I say for the love of god do not name her Alice."

"Why would I name my daughter the same thing as her mother?"

Again, Eddie quirked an eyebrow.

Jervis took a seat in a chair across from Eddie. "I will not believe your I was in the neighborhood when the Tipster message came through and figured I would stop by and help myself to your booze story so you best get on with it."

"This is marvelous wine."

"I'm aware, I bought it. Now if you would."

"I have barely seen you in the last couple months and now my visits are under suspicion? I am offended good sir."

"Edward!" Jervis bellowed in warning.

"Alright! Lord," Eddie huffed. "You have to promise not to say a word to anyone."

"A secret?" Jervis asked.

"Yes."

He began to twitch. "You cannot tell me a secret Edward."

"I have to tell you the secret so I can tell you my problem."

"No! I won't listen!" Jervis jumped up and began to dash around the apartment, hands pressed firmly to his ears singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Bat as loudly as he could.

"Jervis! Really?" Eddie jumped up and began to chase him until he managed to corner him in the kitchen where he began to pry his hands off his ears and stifle him all at once. "This is most immature!"

"I will not listen! I will not!"

"Other than the obvious, what the hell is wrong with you?"

"If you tell me something in confidence I will surely tell everyone! The queen, the dormouse, Alice! Oh dear! Oh no!"

Eddie rolled his eyes. "I thought we were beyond your nonsensical Alice in Wonderland rantings!"

"Harley stole the tarts!"

"That makes no…wait...you mean the tarts from 3 Christmases ago that Jonathan made?"

"Yes."

"Everyone knows that."

"I know…I told everyone. I cannot keep a secret and if you tell me I will tell everyone or the pressure to keep your secret will finally crush me!"

"But you are my best friend!"  
>"Since when?"<p>

"Since someone stole my car!"

"That was Harley yet again. Sticky fingers that girl."

"Yeah well, alcohol helps."

Jervis sighed. "I suppose in the spirit of being a good friend I should try to help you."

"Yes you should."

"Will you release me?"

Eddie let go of the poor man and returned to his spot in the living room while Jervis paced in front of him.

"This will surely kill me."

"You need to calm down. You're wound too tight."

Jervis let out a nervous laugh.

"Anyway, Holly came home from the Iceberg Lounge and I'm sure you've heard Oswald was looking at rings the other day."

"I did see that on the Tipster update."

"Well he found one, the biggest, most famous, and most expensive diamond on the planet."

"The Krupp diamond?"

"How does everyone know about this damned diamond but me?"

"I have a soft spot for Elizabeth Taylor."

"Whatever. Anyway, yes that is the very diamond he bought her."

"I fail to see your problem. You are not financially set up to buy such a diamond and if you were to steal it, someone would surely notice it upon Holly's hand."

"Exactly."

Jervis paused in his pacing to study the other man. "I'm still failing to see…oh."

"Hit you yet?"

"Yes. It did. But you cannot compare yourself to Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot. The only reason he bought that ring is because he dotes on Scarlet so lavishly that a normal ring would pale in comparison to his other gifts and a private jet would look simply ridiculous on her finger. He feels like he has to spoil the women in his life because up until Scarlet money was the only way to get a woman to look twice at him."

"Still…"

"And further more you should be ashamed of yourself for thinking Holly is so materialistic that she would need such a ring! And shame on Oswald for thinking the same of Scarlet. Holly is a simple girl who would be happy with a Cracker Jack ring if it came from you."

Eddie felt like a child being scolded. "I feel stupid."

"You should."

"She was just so excited to tell me about this ring."

"A diamond that big I would be excited to talk about it too."

"So to sum it up, Oswald is stupid for buying that ring and I'm more stupid for worrying about it?"

"Very good. Now, how long have you been considering making Holly Mrs. Nigma…Nashton…whatever?"

"Since the moment I met her."

"So no serious consideration?"

"No. I just got all keyed up about the ring. Speaking of rings, you keeping that one in your pocket forever or do you plan on giving it to the girl?"

"I'm waiting for the right time."

"When is that?"

"Half past when hell freezes over! I don't know! When it feels right."

"Calm down! I didn't mean to rile you up."

"I'm all a twitter because now I have this secret, not even your secret but Oswald's secret, weighing on me."

"You are going to tell everyone aren't you?"

"Yes. I probably will."

* * *

><p>"I want to make myself perfectly clear," Selina said as she and Harley strolled along the deck leisurely. "This is a vacation. I am here to relax. I don't want to be part of any crazy shenanigans."<p>

"I'm on vacation too!" Harley protested. "What makes you think I want any nonsense?"

"Are you kidding? You're a regular Lucy Ricardo!"

Harley adopted a shocked expression.

"Don't play dumb. I know better than that. I'm just saying, let's keep a low profile and enjoy ourselves. And let's keep Joker contact to a minimum."

"That's fine by me."

"Good." Selina looked off toward the sunset and ran right into a poor unsuspecting man. "Oh! I am so sorry!" she cried helping him up off the floor.

"Really it's ok. No harm," he replied accepting her hand.

"I guess I should watch where I'm going."

"But how would you meet new people?" he joked.

"Hello! I'm Lorelei Lee," Harley interjected shaking his hand and giving Selina a look that said "Manners woman!"

"Elliot Reid, first mate."

"Dorothy Shaw. Pleasure to meet you."

"Trust me, the pleasures all mine." He smiled while shaking Selina's hand. She couldn't help but smile as well and maybe, possibly, slightly blushed a little.

"I'm sure you have plenty to be doing," Selina remarked looking the uniform up and down.

"I do have to finish making my rounds but I hope I'll see you at dinner."

"A girl's go to eat."

"See you later then ladies." He nodded and continued his walk around the deck. He looked back as he went, smiled, and gave a wave.

"Whoa momma!" Harley whistled.

"Shut up!" Selina snapped.

"I love a man in uniform."

"You do not."

"You're right, I don't. But you do."

"Quiet you."

"Oh come on! I saw that spark in your eye, that rosy color in your cheeks, you think he's sexy."

Selina glared at her bouncy blonde companion.

"Give me that look all day long sweetheart but I'm a trained psychoanalyst and that means I'm great at reading body language. You're body language says cut me off a piece of that hotcake."

"I repeat, no shenanigans!" Selina warned.

"Try to use his cabin for knocking boots."

* * *

><p>As Alice wailed away on her bed, her phone rang over and over and over again. She was in no mood for well wishers or congratulations, or even sympathy. But after the twelfth call she couldn't take the noise anymore. Why couldn't people understand she wanted to wallow in her misery alone? "Hello," she sniffled.<p>

"I thought you were dead! Where were you? I called like a hundred times!" Holly barked through the receiver.

"Basking in my self pity. Now, tell me why you're blowing up my phone so I can go back to being miserable."

"What has your hormones all whacked?"

"The Tipster told me I was having a girl."

"You didn't know?"

"No."

"That's messed up but what I have to tell you is worse."

"Oh what now?"

"I was in the shower and I missed a call from mom."

"Is she ok?"

"Her message said her and dad are doing fine and that they're coming for a visit next week."

Alice stopped crying and panic took her over. "Do they know I'm pregnant?"

"The whole world knows, I'm sure they do."

"Oh boy."

"Alice, listen to me. Mom and dad are coming for a visit. Do you know what that means?"

"We're busted."

"We couldn't pretend we were two low key gals from the farm in Nebraska forever."

"I thought it was Kansas."

"Either way, they're not going to play along and Jervis and Eddie are going to know the truth."

"I wish I wasn't pregnant. I need a drink."

* * *

><p>There were many places to eat aboard the ship but when your cabin cost as much as Harley and Selina's did (not that they'd know) you were expected to enjoy at least one meal in the grand ballroom where dinner was a fancy affair. Black tie. So Harley and Selina, not expecting to be dressed up at any point, were forced to hit the stores in search of gowns.<p>

"This ship has everything!" Harley squealed twirling around in a pink low cut form fitting gown with, you guessed it, sequins.

"When they say luxury they mean it. Not sure if these are for dinner or the Oscars," Selina joked.

"Get the red one," Harley told her.

"I don't wear red."

"All your gowns are black."

"I have the purple one from your wedding."

"One purple one. Big deal."

"Black is just classier."

"And what? I look like a tramp?"

"No but you look like Barbie in that thing."

Harley held up a lilac gown and smiled.

"No."

"How about this?" White strapless with a mermaid train.

"I'm not getting married."

"Silver?"

"NO!" Selina grabbed a simple black form fitting strapless off the rack and headed for the checkout.

"Wait!"

Selina turned around, annoyed.

Harley held up a light pink dress with one silver glittery strap. The bodice had different kinds of pink ribbon crisscrossing across it that stopped at the waist. The bottom was loose and flowy with a small train. "Please."

She stared at her.

"Please," Harley whimpered again.

"Fine. Just give me the damned dress."

* * *

><p>Seats in the ballroom were assigned. You sat with those you were travelling with of course but the rest of your table was a random collection on other well to do passengers. Catwoman's eyes gleamed as she passed the various tables full of glittery jewels, but Selina maintained a look of indifference as she and Harley were escorted to their table by the maitre d. "Enjoy your meal ladies," he said politely as he walked back to his post.<p>

They took their seats and smiled at the other guests at their table, all of which were men who all smiled back and gave curt nods with polite hellos. Harley leaned over and whispered into Selina's ear "I feel like raw meat in front of a hyena."

"We are. Last time I was on a cruise men on the ship paid the maître d good money to sit at my table. I'm guessing this is the same thing."

"Good evening ladies," Elliot greeted as he approached the table. "You both look stunning."

"Thanks," Harley replied.

"Sitting at the captain's table?" Selina asked.

"Nope." Elliot dropped down into the empty seat next to Selina. "You wouldn't believe how much a chair at this table costs."

Selina chuckled. "Even for the crew?"

"I think we get charged double."

Harley decided this was a conversation between the two of them so she turned her attention to the res of the table. "Don't you just love cruises? This ship is absolutely insane. What with all the stores and things to do. Aren't you having a marvelous time?" she asked the man next to her.

"Well the view isn't bad," he answered with a wink.

Harley beamed. Who needed one boyfriend when you have a table full?

* * *

><p>After dinner Elliot invited the girls to one of the many bars for a nightcap. Selina tried to decline but Harley wasn't hearing it. "It's a vacation," Harley reminded her, "we're supposed to have fun." So there they sat at a little table all dressed up with first mate Elliot Reid. Selina had to admit he was a charmer and easy on the eyes.<p>

"I'll go up to the bar, what are you ladies drinking?" Elliot asked.

"Vodka and diet," Selina replied.

"Something pink!"

"One vodka and diet and something pink. Be back in a minute."

"He's nice," Harley sighed.

"You can have him."

"You like him. Don't lie to me."

"I don't need to like anyone."

Harley rolled her eyes. Not even a second later Elliot was back with one vodka and one large pink drink.

"Hot pink martini for the lady," Elliot said passing the glass off.

Harley's eyes lit up as she clutched the glass.

"You get to carry her home," Selina warned Elliot.

"We'll keep a limit on the drinks," he teased.

"With Lorelei, good luck."

"Elliot!" a man called out walking toward the table.

"Russell!"

"Did you hear that?" Harley asked.

"What?" Selina replied.

"A British accent."

Selina groaned. This was going to be a long night.

"Ladies, meet my old friend Russell Beakman. Russell this is Dorothy Shaw and Lorelei Lee."

"Pleasure ladies," Russell greeted shaking Selina's hand but kissing the back of Harley's while wiggling his eyebrows.

"Russell and I met a few years back when I started working on cruise ships," Elliot explained.

"And what do you do?" Harley asked.

"I'm a diamond broker."

It was like Harley was a carnival game and someone had just hit the big ticket winner. Selina could see the fireworks going off in the blonde's brain.

"I also own several successful jewelry stores in England."

"I need to pee. Come on Lorelei," Selina announced suddenly grabbing Harley and heading for the ladies room.

"What are you doing?" Harley demanded.

"You get whatever ideas you have right out of your head missy. That guy is trouble, I can tell right now."

"You're crazy."

"Promise me Harl, promise me you will stay away from him."

"But…"

"But nothing!"

"Fine," Harley sighed defeated.

They walked back to their table and sat down.

"So are you ladies from Gotham?" Russell asked.

"Yes but we're originally from Little Rock," Harley answered quickly.

Selina shook her head.

"And what brings you out here?"

"Vacation. Needed to get away from it all."

Russell reached his hand out and stroked Harley's. There were those fireworks again. In a room full of eligible bachelors, Harley would find the one degenerate. Selina didn't know what was rubbing her the wrong way but she couldn't let it go.

"We should go for a walk," Elliot suggested.

"Sounds great! Let's go." Harley grabbed Russell by the hand and led the way out but as Selina and Elliot took a left Harley dragged Russell to the right and slipped away in the crowd.

"That rat!" Selina hissed.

"She sure has taken a liking to him," Elliot joked.

"She sure did. That girl. We should find them."

"Lorelei is a grown woman. Let her have some fun."

"Trust me, you don't want her having fun."

"I want you to have fun."

Selina smiled. Perhaps Harley could take care of herself. Years at the hands of Joker had to give her some sort of ability to handle a suave playboy like that. Who was she kidding? That accent had Harley all kinds of stupid.

* * *

><p>"Sorry Jack," she said with a smile handing over a picture of Harley canoodling with Russell.<p>

Joker looked at it with disgust.

"What do you want me to do?"  
>"Nothing," he answered.<p>

"Not giving up now are you?"

"Not even close. Do some research on our new friend here. I want all the dirt on him."

"Jealous?"

Joker glared at her.

"He's younger than you."

"I'm like a fine wine."

"Until one day you're all dried up. Face it clown, this is just a losing battle."

"I'm going to get her."

"And a bottle of little blue pills?"

"You're very brave."

"No. I know you can't kill me. You need me and that means I get to make all the jokes I want."

"And when I'm done with you?"

She smiled. "I'll be waiting."

* * *

><p>Jervis nervously paced back and forth across the Gotham Police Department rooftop waiting. He was sure he would have his ass firmly handed to him but he didn't care, He needed to do this. He needed release.<p>

Batman watched for only a breath and then dropped down silently next to the little man. "This is not a toy Tetch," he grumbled.

"Gah!" Jervis screamed completely unaware he had company. "Don't do that!"

"What are you doing?"

"I have to tell you something."

Batman glowered.

"Oswald Cobblepot bought Scarlet the Krupp diamond ring!" Jervis squealed.

"What?" he barked.

"Yes! It's true! The biggest, most flawless, and most expensive diamond on a ring!"

"You came up here, flipped on the signal to tell me some idle gossip?"

"It's a secret and I'm not good with them! I had to tell someone!"

"And you pick me?"

"Not like you gossip."

Batman stared in disbelief. As Bruce Wayne he was used to strange phone calls full of nonsense about Rogue gossip but as Batman this was definitely a new level of what the fuck.

"Now you can't tell anyone because if you do Eddie will know I told you and then he'll get angry and should Oswald find out, well, that would be tragic indeed."

Batman slowly backed away, turned around, and shot his grappled at the nearest gargoyle. He couldn't get away from this moment fast enough.

Jervis switched off the signal and started on his way home feeling completely relieved.


	6. Two Little Girls From Little Rock

Author's Note: For those of you who missed it, I'm using a little Gentlemen Prefer Blondes on this part of the story. If you've never seen the movie you need to get your ass online and watch it! After you read this of course.

* * *

><p>With shoes in hand, Harley tiptoed into the cabin trying not to make a sound. The last thing she wanted to hear was a motherly rant from Selina but unfortunately fate was not on her side and as she tried to hold back the tears and the curses after she kicked the side table Selina jumped out of bed and flew into the living room.<p>

"Just where in the hell have you been?" she growled throwing the lights on.

"Damn it," she huffed plopping down onto the couch. "I was out walking."

"All night?"

"Yeah!"

"With Russell?"

"Yes!"

"Look, we are in the middle of the ocean. You can not just go running around bed hopping with strange men!"

Harley's outrage lifted her right off the couch. "I was not bed hopping! We walked, we had drink, we went dancing, and then we watched the sun rise!"

"Stay away from Russell Beakman."

"You're not my mother and you're not Ivy. You can't tell me what to do."

"Harley I'm warning you because I love you, that guy is bad news."

"Worry about your own love life." And with that she waltzed into the bedroom and locked the door leaving Selina the couch.

* * *

><p>Lunch, it was common enough for Holly to make it at home on her days off. It wasn't even that unheard of for Alice to come over with Jervis. But the full banquet spread that was now sprawled out over Eddie's counter made by the both of them seemed a little strange. A sandwich? Sure. A rotisserie chicken? Odd.<p>

Jervis and Eddie sat at the table eyeing the two women suspiciously as they busied themselves about the kitchen trying to avoid eye contact.

"Something is up," Jervis whispered.

"What was your first clue?" Eddie replied sarcastically.

"Have any ideas?"

"Nope."

"Aren't you ladies going to eat?" Jervis asked.

"Sure," Alice replied nervously grabbing a few pieces of fruit and joining the boys at the table. Holly followed suit grabbing a handful of baby carrots.

"You're both rather quiet," Eddie observed. "What's going on?"

"Nothing. We can't be quite?" Holly snapped.

"You can. It's just unusual, along with the lunch buffet."

"Just get it over with Hol," Alice told her.

"They're dumping us," Jervis cried.

"We're not dumping you," Holly assured them. "It's…well…"

"Our parents are visiting!" Alice blurted out.

Eddie and Jervis both felt like someone had punched them. Visiting parents were not something they were prepared to handle. Eddie could see it all now, "Hi mom and dad this is Eddie. He runs around town committing crimes, leaving clues. You know, the usual."

"And that's not all," Holly went on.

"What are they bringing the brothers you never mentioned?"

"We haven't been quite honest with you. Well, I haven't and I've forced Alice into keeping up my rouse."

"That's not true. I was all for it."

"Either way…."

"You're a man aren't you?" Eddie asked.

"No asshole. I'm not."

"Good."

"Do I look like a man?"

"No…I just…you said…help," Eddie pleaded looking at Jervis.

"Oh no. Sink on your own."

"We're not from Nebraska," Holly told them.

"Or Kansas if that was the story we went with," Alice added.

"What? I don't understand." Jervis was befuddled and Eddie wasn't doing much better.

"We were born in Santa Barbara California on a nice little horse ranch owned by our father who is a multi-million dollar architect," Holly explained.

"So you're saying you're…"

"Rich," Alice finished.

"Then why…why would you…" Eddie tried to find the words but they weren't coming.

"Move to Gotham and slum it? I wanted to go to school. I wanted a life on my own. As long as I live in that house and used his money I didn't get a say in my life. I'm happy here with my job, in our apartment, living on my own terms."

"And music wasn't going to be something I could pursue seriously back home," Alice explained.

"And you lied because?" Jervis questioned.

"The poor little rich girl routine is old and tired. I didn't want people to think I was rebelling or playing a game. I wanted to be taken seriously," Holly told them.

"Well then…"Eddie sighed.

"You hate me."

"I don't hate you. I'm just a little shocked right now."

"At least I'm not a man," Holly offered.

"Silver lining."

"You guys don't have to meet them if you don't want to."

"No, we'll go to dinner at least," Jervis assured them.

"Yeah, sure. Two felons have dinner with the richest man in Santa Barbara. Why not?" Eddie laughed.

* * *

><p>They had fought before, Selina wasn't going to let it get to her. She was ready brush off the morning's unpleasantness and move on and it seemed as though Harley was willing to do the same. They sat at the little café table sipping coffee and reading magazines. Something they did quite frequently in Gotham but seemed so much more thrilling on a ship.<p>

"Hello ladies," Russell greeted them, joining their table without waiting for an invite.

Selina didn't have to look up to see who it was. She felt annoyed the second she felt his presence.

"Hi Russell," Harley squealed with glee.

Russell leaned down to kiss her and Selina had to hold back from punching him in the face. "And how are we doing this afternoon Ms. Shaw?"

"Just dandy," she replied tensely.

"I would like you to join me for dinner tonight," Russell told Harley.

"I would love to attend."

"Perfect, be at my cabin at 8?"

"You bet."

"Wonderful. Until then my dear." He gave Harley another quick kiss and Selina a nod before he left.

"In his cabin?" Selina questioned.

"I'm not that kind of girl," Harley assured her. "Just dinner."

"If you say so."

"I do say so."

Selina forced a smile.

"I know you don't like him."

"I'm not really keeping it a secret."

"He's just a vacation boyfriend. Something to keep my mind off Joker."

"So when we get to Paris…"

"He'll be gone."

"He is cute. I'll give him that."

Harley sighed dreamily.

* * *

><p>"How's the cruise?" Ivy asked.<p>

"It's nice. The ship is huge and has plenty of places to blow money," Selina replied flopping down onto the bed.

"Harley having fun?"

"You mean Lorelei?"

Ivy laughed.

"She met someone."

"Oh lord."

"Russell Beakman. British diamond broker with several successful jewelry stores in London."

"Oh lord indeed."

"Yeah."

"Is he cute?"

"He isn't ugly. Tall, think, chestnut hair, green eyes, and a million dollar smile."

"Old?"

"No, mid to late 30's maybe."

"A younger not deformed Joker," Ivy joked.

Selina rolled over onto her stomach. "Yes actually…maybe that's why I don't like him."

"You don't like him?"  
>"Something about him rubs me wrong."<p>

"Maybe it is the Joker thing."

"It's not just physically either. He has that whole suave, I own the world, attitude and Harley just melts when he's near."

"Sounds like trouble."

"I'm keeping an eye on it."

"Keep two on it. That girl always picks a winner."

"I will."

"So what about you?"

"What about me?"

"No vacation flings?"

Selina smiled. "Well, there is this handsome first mate whose eye I caught."

Ivy giggled.

"He's good looking. Tall, broad shouldered, strapping, blonde with blue eyes."

"Stop it, you're killing me."

"Like your missing out. Name one room in the apartment you haven't had sex with Harvey in…today."

"The broom closet."

"Does that mean I need a new bed?"

"You might wanna wash your sheets at least."

"That's wrong Pamela. Wrong. I should go make sure Lorelei isn't in any trouble. Call you later."

* * *

><p>"I don't like your friend," Selina blurted out as she and Elliot strolled the deck that night.<p>

"Russell?"

"That's the one."

"Why not?"

"He reminds me of Lorelei's ex boyfriend."

"Is that bad?"

"Yes."

"How bad?"

"This guy screwed with her for a long time before telling her he didn't love her and leaving her broken. I won't let anyone hurt her like that again."

"Russell seems like an ass but he's not a bad guy. He's just cocky."

Selina shook her head. "I just can't shake this feeling he's bad for her."

"You need to let Lorelei handle herself."

"You don't know Lorelei. She seems like bubble headed party girl but she's not. She's sweet, innocent, and a little naïve."

"Yeah, and she didn't light up like the Fourth of July when Russell mentioned diamonds."

"She's not like that!" Selina snapped.

"I didn't mean to offend you. I just got defensive about Russell."

"I'm sorry. I'm being a bitch."

"Kind of," Elliot teased.

"I worry about her."

"I can see that."

"We've been through a lot together. Good and bad."

"I like that you love her so much. Means you're a good person."

"Thank you."

"Let's get a drink."

They walked into the same little bar they were in last night and there was Harley, dancing up a storm with Russell. "Hiya Dorothy!" Harley called.

"And you were worried," Elliot laughed.

Selina rolled her eyes.

* * *

><p>"Am I old?" Joker asked Scarlet as she poured him another scotch.<p>

"Compared to…" she teased.

"Not funny."

"You're not old."

"I am though."

"Ok Joker."

"I could be your father."

"With the way my mom slept around you could be."

"I could be Harley's father."

"And there is the real problem. Who told you you were too old for Harley?"

"No one."

"Fine, don't tell me. But you're not old. And even if you were, she clearly has daddy issues. So you're fine."

"I'm a dinosaur."

"Rawr. Look, you either stop moping or you take your drink over to a table and stop dragging me down."

Joker sat up straight and forced a smile.

"Better. You talk to her since she left?"

"Not really."

"Fly to Paris, surprise her. Tell her you love her. Really love her. It's the most romantic city on the planet, if she doesn't fall for you there she won't fall for you at all."

"Joker!" Oswald called from his office door.

Joker got up and started for Oswald's office.

Scarlet grabbed his jacket sleeve to stop him. "Listen to me Jack, I love Oswald with all my heart and I think the world of him but I also know what happens in that office. Go to Paris, tell her you love her but do not go in there and make deals with the Devil. All you are going to do is push her away and lose her forever."

Joker pulled his sleeve out of her hand and continued to Oswald's office.

"Damn clown."

* * *

><p>"Russell Beakman," Oswald rolled the name around his mouth. "I know that name."<p>

"Yeah he brokers diamonds," Joker spat.

"Maybe that's it but I don't think so."

"I don't care. Harley's taken a liking to him."

"He'll grow bored with her or she with him. Selling diamonds isn't exactly exciting."

Joker snorted.

"I found the hotel, still working on the money."

"Good."

"Care to tell me who is feeding you all your intel?"

"Nope."

Oswald grunted. "Secrets don't make friends."

"I'm not in the business of making friends."

"You haven't been in any business for awhile. Feels like you're slipping."

Joker ignored the dig. Everyone was taking shots at him lately.

"Is she really worth all this trouble? Before you met that girl you were a force to be reckoned with and since you picked up that ditz you've been slowly sliding downhill. How long has it been since you tousled with the Bat?"

"Do as I ask and mind your business."

"There are a million blondes out there. What makes this one so special?"

Joker didn't know. She just was. "Find the credit cards and the accounts. Harley won't use Cayman banks. She likes Swiss." He got up and left.

* * *

><p>The next couple of days Harley spent every second with Russell. Selina could tell this wouldn't stop when they reached Paris but the more time she spent with Elliot the less she worried about Russell. She tried her damndest not to get attached or involved. She knew it was pointless and her heart really wasn't into getting in deep again. But a superficial vacation fling couldn't hurt could it?<p>

Selina felt a little bad. Elliot clearly liked her more than a fling. He was doting, attentive, and always eager to please. If she asked for the moon he would find a way to get it.

"So what brought you girls from Little Rock to Gotham?" Elliot asked sipping the champagne he had just brought back from the bar.

"I don't know. We needed something new."

"What do you guys do there?"

Selina shrugged. "Nothing really. We live with another girlfriend and her man."

"Just have fabulous adventures?"

"Pretty much. Although I wouldn't call them adventures."

"You ever see Batman?"

"Plenty of times."

"Is he intimidating?"

"If you're a criminal."

"So he must scare you."

"What?"  
>"Well you've stolen my heart. That makes you a criminal."<p>

"Look Elliot…"

"I don't want to hear the rest of that sentence."

"You have to. I don't want to lead you on."

"You like me though."

"I do. No doubt about it. But this can't be anything serious."

"Why not?"

Selina hesitated.

"Bad relationship?"

"Isn't it always the reason?" she joked.

"Usually."

"It wasn't bad it was just hard and the breakup was hard. I broke his heart and believe it or not that killed me. I'm not looking to do it again."

"That happens. You're heart will break and you will break someone else's heart. It's life."

"I don't like life much."

"I'm not trying to get you to the altar, I just want to spend time with you."

Selina smiled at him. "You can't get mad at me if this doesn't go beyond this cruise."

"Scout's honor."

"You're bad for me. I can tell."

"All the good things in life are." Elliot leaned across the table and kissed her. Something he'd wanted to do since they met.


	7. Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend

Author's Note: Just wanted to take a second and thank you guys for reading. I really appreciate all the good reviews and the great pm's I get. This all really started as a drunken conversation between me and Kittie about that crazy stuff we've done and that turned into "What if the Rogues did that? What would happen?" and from there my writing juices started flowing. It's been great doing this. I get a lot of my writer's block taken care of from cleaning out the ol' brain and deal with the nonsense from my life, the good, the bad, and the downright ridiculous (Joker painting his toenails…my ex used to do that all the time). What started out as a one book story has now spawned into four and if Kittie has anything to say about it, it will continue on for many more. Once again, thank you for playing along with my madness.

* * *

><p>Harley, or Lorelei rather, and Russell were still inseparable after a week. Selina swore Harley was getting into trouble with him but Harley knew she wasn't. Trouble would be a whirlwind romance, love at first sight, meeting the Joker. Russell was just a vacation accessory. Something to wear while walking around the ship. She found him charming, funny, handsome no doubt, but all she really liked about him was the feeling of being on someone's arm. The feeling she missed since Joker claimed he didn't love her.<p>

"How long will you be in Paris?" Russell asked as he stretched out on the couch in his cabin, head resting in Harley's lap.

"Haven't really thought about it," Harley admitted. "I guess for whoever long the city holds my attention. What about you?"

"About a week and then I'm back to London."

"Oh."

"You should come with me. You'd like it there. Everything is very posh."

"I always like Baby Spice."

Russell laughed. "That is why I like you. You're so funny."

"You really think I'm funny?"

"A true riot. You must come to London with me. I do not know how I will be able to live without your humor now."

"You're just flattering me."

"I am not!" he said indignantly sitting up to look at her.

"I wasn't born yesterday. You're a rich playboy. I know the type. You just say what you want to girls, drop 'we' like you're planning for forever, and then when you get what you want its bye bye blondie."

"I am offended you think my intentions are less than honorable. If that were true I would've have moved on from you after awhile ago."

Harley shook her head. "I live in Gotham."

"I'm rich my dear, oceans are not boundaries for me."

"You don't know me."

"How could one possibly know anyone after only 10 or so days? You can spend a lifetime with someone and never truly know them."

She laughed. How true was that? "You're really nice…"

"Shush, stop right there. I'm really nice but this isn't going to work, blah blah blah. All that means to me is you are running away. You're little friend, she likes to run too. Well, I am not letting you get away. I really do enjoy you Lorelei Lee, and I am not prepared to stop enjoying you anytime soon."

"It won't work out."

"You never know if you don't try."

"I'm difficult."

"I can tell. But if it isn't worth fighting for then it is not worth having."

She had to admit, she melted a little. Those were words she had heard a million times and as she thought about them here and now, the meaning seemed a little lost. She had spent years fighting for the Joker's attention only to lose it. Was he worth it? Should she have bothered? At the time her heart wouldn't allow anything else. She was sure he was like air, she'd die without him. He had fought for her, dirty and underhanded, the only way he knew how. He'd won her and hadn't stopped fighting after until those four little words brought her world crashing down around her. After that? He was still fighting. Was she worth having? Should she be giving in? Was he really fighting or was this just a case of wanting what he couldn't have? Every time she left he seemed to pop back up, coercing her back into his arms. She wasn't that girl anymore. She had a backbone now. All the things Russell was saying were things Joker had said to her at one time, in one way or another. Maybe that was why she couldn't believe this man here and now, because they had been lies then. Had they? If they were lies then he was never really fighting for her at all. Her head was swimming and she wondered if this was how Eddie felt. So many questions and so very few answers. What was a lie and what was the truth anymore? Worth having, worth fighting for? Was she worth anything?

Part of her wanted to just say yes to whatever he asked and run off. Forget Gotham, Joker, Ivy, all of it and never look back. Be someone new. Harley dubbed that part of her Lorelei and in Harley's mind suddenly she was watching Russell and herself on the couch from the chair across the room only it wasn't her, it was Lorelei. She wished she could stay like this forever, let Lorelei run off and lead a wonderful life on Russell's arm. Marriage, children, happily ever after while she, Harley, went back to Gotham to surrender to Joker. And what about the other part of her? What about Harleen? The woman buried so far down into her mind she barely had a voice anymore. Harley wished she could go as well. Write her book, become famous, get her own talk show. All the things Harley had wanted. Three different people, three different lives and none of them seemed possible anymore.

"Lorelei?" Russell called out once again shaking Harley from her reverie.

"Huh?"

"You've been quite for awhile. I was worried I lost you."

"I think I should go."

"What? Why? Was it something I said?"

"Yes but not in a bad way."

"What?"

"I can't explain right now. I just need to go. I need to think." She grabbed her shoes off the floor and bolted out the door not hearing a word of his protests. She didn't want to think anymore. She just wanted the thoughts, the voices, the questions to all be silent for a minute.

* * *

><p>Eddie never really understood the emphasis women put on clothing. While he liked to look dapper and certainly never like a hobo, he never stressed on attire. But today, he suddenly realized the importance of dressing you best so here he stood in a pair of boxers and his white undershirt staring at the two suits he had laid out on his bed. Option one: classic black suit (Armani) with the white button up shirt, green tie, black socks, black shoes, optional black bowler hat. Option two: the same only forest green suit, black shirt, light green tie, black socks, black shoes, forest green hat. One was classic, suitable for all dining options, and said "why yes, I can take care of your daughter, I'm a reputable man." Two was classic…Riddler. If worn he would be tempted to grab his cane. Holly had said to just be himself, don't worry about impressing them. They'll like you for you or they won't. That would dictate that he should wear the green suit. He looked at his favorite green suit. He'd worn it a million times. He quite enjoyed it. Now he looked at the black one. He'd only worn it here and there for special occasions where he wanted to blend in and not stand out, mostly Wayne functions he was infiltrating. He liked it. It was nice. He would feel more like Edward Nashton than Edward Nigma.<p>

Holly strolled into the room wearing her strapless black cocktail dress. Her naturally curly hair pulled back into a trendy messy bun. She opened the jewelry box and pulled out a pair of emerald earrings that Eddie had given her the first Christmas after they met. Looking back now, she had to laugh at how dumb she had been not to realize he was head over heels for her. She turned around to find him standing in front of the bed in his underwear. "Well, I like it but I don't know how the restaurant will feel having you strut about in your undies," she joked.

"I can't decide what to wear," he explained.

"Sweetie you're thinking about it too much. Just pick a suit and hurry because we're going to be late."

"I don't know which one."

Holly walked over to the bed to stand next to him. "They're both nice. Either one would be fine."

"I know."

"Then what's the problem?"

"I don't know which one."

She rubbed his shoulders. She felt bad. He had been stressing about this. "Sweetie it doesn't matter. Just wear the green suit."

"It looks so…"

"It looks fine. Now get dressed while I call my sister to make sure she's on her way." Holly gave him a quick kiss and walked out of the room to call Alice.

* * *

><p>"Hey, do you and Russell want to join Elliot and me for dinner tonight?" Selina asked as she walked into the cabin.<p>

Harley didn't answer. She was sitting on the bed staring off into space drink one of the many little bottles of whiskey from the mini bar.

"Whoa boy," Selina muttered stumbling over Harley's discarded shoes making her way into the bedroom. "What happened?"

She was still silent.

"Harley?" Selina cried shaking her a little.

Once again, Harley was brought back to the real world. "Huh?"

"What happened?"

"It's so loud. I can't make it quiet."

"What's loud?" Selina was scared for a minute. Although she was technically a member of the Rogue community she wasn't like them. She was sane. It wasn't unusual to be at the Iceberg and suddenly the person next to you started clucking like a chicken or rambling unintelligible poetry from a children's book. Freak outs happened. Breaks from reality were the norm. But they were usually spastic, this was somber, sad, worrisome.

Harley clasped her hands over her ears and doubled over.

Selina grabbed her phone. As long as she'd known Harley, she had never seen this side of her but she was sure Ivy had.

"Bonjour!" Ivy greeted.

"Something is wrong with Harley."

"Oh god, what is it?"

"I don't know. She's slightly drunk and she said it's loud and now she's covering her ears. I don't hear anything. Is she seeing things?"

"She's not schizophrenic Selina."

"Then what is it?"

"Stupid as it sounds, I think she thought too much."

"Is that a dumb blonde joke?"

"No. She gets like that. Too many thoughts circling her head. It starts to drive her crazy."

"What do I do?"

"Nothing. She needs to sort it out herself."

"Do I leave?"

"I'd stick around. She might want to talk."

"Thanks." Selina hung up. Clearly she wasn't going to dinner tonight.

* * *

><p>Holly didn't need to call Alice at all. She and Jervis were already in a cab on their way to the restaurant. They were going to be really early but Alice had learned at a young age that with her parents, especially her father, it was best to be there yesterday rather than tomorrow.<p>

"What are you going to say about the baby?" Jervis inquired looking down at Alice's obvious bump which was covered by her powder blue short peasant dress.

"I had a large lunch and this is a taco baby?" she offered.

"They probably know."

"I don't know, they're not hip with technology."

"Alice we need to be serious here."

"I don't like being serious. I like a world with nonsense in it."

Jervis smiled. He loved her so. "Be that as it may, we need to have a plan."

"I'm pregnant Jervis. It's done. It happened. It's a girl. No going back."

"Yes but why didn't you tell them?"

"I didn't want the tirade that came down on my sister when she got knocked up. They forced her into marrying the father and everything blew up from there. She doesn't even really speak to them anymore."

"What will you say about us?"

"That I love you and that although it's unexpected, we're happy with our life."

"And marriage?"

"I'm not into it."

Jervis had been pulling the ring out of his pocket but now he quickly slid it back in. "Not into it?"

"Maybe someday but I'm not rushing into it now."

"I see."

"Don't stress love muffin, I love you and they can't do dick about it."

"Ok."

"You alright?"

"Fine."

* * *

><p>Selina watched television in her pajamas while Harley still sat on the bed, silent. She had been like that for hours and it made Selina wonder if she should've gone to dinner with Elliot. Too late now. "You hungry?" Selina called over to her. Nothing. She got up anyway. "I'm going to walk down and get Chinese." Still nothing.<p>

She returned a half hour later carrying a bag of Chinese food, she found Harley sitting on the couch watching cartoons. "Well hello sunshine."

"Hi," Harley mumbled.

"Nice to have you back. Sweet and sour chicken?"

"Yes please."

"You doing ok?"

"I guess."

"Want to talk about it?"

"I don't know what to say."

"Start with what happened."

"He's just so nice."

"Russell?"

"Yeah. He wants me to go to London with him."

"Oh."

"And he wants to still see me when I go back to Gotham. Only he doesn't, he wants to see Lorelei who can't exist in Gotham. And he thinks I'm worth fighting for but so does Joker so what does that mean anyway."

Selina was starting to get a headache trying to follow the story.

"He's just wonderful."

"So what's the problem?"

"Everything is just the same. He's the same. He's never going to change."

"Joker or Russell? I'm so confused."

"So am I."

"This isn't making sense Harley."

"Exactly! It's all a mess."

"Ok then."

"I know you don't get it, I can't explain it. It just feels like if I give into Russell then I should give into Joker. All Russell is is another version of him but I don't love him."

"How can you love anyone in a week?"

"I loved Joker in a blink of an eye."

"And look where that went."

"Went? Is it so past tense? Is it dead and gone?"

"I don't know. Is it? Only you can decide that."

"Exactly. And I can't decide."

"You need to sit back. Get away from both of them."

"I know."

"I think you're comparing too much. They're different people. If you feel like Joker is worth another round then when we get to Paris we'll hop a flight right back to Gotham. If you want to give Russell a go then do it. Personally I think you should ditch the fop and ignore the clown for awhile and get Harley together because honey you're still broken from the whole shock of being dumped and no man is going to be the glue that holds you together."

Harley nodded.

"For now, eat your food, watch your cartoons, and spend the next 24 hours away from Russell so you can get your head straight."

* * *

><p>Eddie and Holly had barely stepped through the door when Jervis bounded over and demanded immediate assistance in the bathroom from Eddie, who in turn was horrified at the thought of being needed for a trip to the restroom. "I shall warn you now, I am not a doctor and can not and will not examine anything!" Eddie bellowed as Jervis quickly shut the door behind them. The other patrons in the bathroom all stared at the strange duo for a second before returning to their bathroom activities.<p>

"She doesn't want to get married!" Jervis sobbed.

"Oh dear." Eddie pulled a green handkerchief out of his black suit breast pocket and handed it over to Jervis who proceeded to wipe his eyes and blow his nose. "No please, keep it," he assured him as Jervis tried to hand it back.

"Nice suit."

"Thank you. Now about Alice."

"She told me in the cab she wasn't into getting married right now."

"Are you sure she meant it? Sometimes women say these things because they feel like the conversation is drifting that way and they don't want to put pressure on the man to propose. Harley swore up and down she didn't need to get married but when I pulled out the ring her tune quickly changed."

"I do not believe she is trying to relieve me of any pressure. I think she meant it."

"So she isn't ready now. When the baby she comes she may change her mind."

"And if she doesn't?"

"Is that piece of paper so important? Does it make her anymore in love with you if she had it? Any less since she does not? Would a ring on her finger cement your bond?"

"I suppose not."

"Exactly. The baby is cementing your relationship. No matter what she is forever tied to you. She loves you and you love her. Honestly I think the only reason you bought that ring, besides it being a teacup, is because she is pregnant and you feel it is the right thing to do."

"Perhaps."

"It would be a shame for it to go to waste all the same so you should give it to her as a ring with diamonds, not a diamond ring."

Jervis regained his posture and smiled. "I shall!"

"Wonderful. Now, I believe we have spent more than a sufficient time in the men's room so can we get the hell out of here?"

"Absolutely."

The two men walked out of the restroom and made their way to the table where the girls sat alone. Eddie was thankful the parents weren't waiting for them. How embarrassing would that be?

"Thought you two drowned in there," Holly teased.

Alice let out a high whistle and wiggled her eyebrows at Eddie. "Looking sharp sir."

"Thank you Alice. You look lovely as well."

"Why so fancy?"

"It is just a suit."

"A black suit."

"And?"

"I'm so used to the green one."

"Yes, well, the green one isn't exactly appropriate for tonight."

"I thought it was fine," Holly interjected.

"I can barely fit into anything so I had to make do," Alice sighed rubbing her belly.

For the first time Eddie noticed Jervis was wearing his brown pants and green jacket. He looked like he did for any other night, top hat and all. He felt a little out of sorts. But Jervis didn't need to impress Alice's parents. He had knocked her up. It was done. Nothing could be done about it. Eddie on the other hand had no real claim to Holly and her father and mother's approval would mean the world.

"Here comes daddy," Alice announced upon seeing her father and mother being led to the table. She and Holly stood up to greet their parents.

"Hello girls," her father said giving both of them a hug. Their mother nodded to the table and hugged her daughters as well.

"Daddy this is Jervis," Alice introduced.

"And this is Eddie."

"Pleasure to meet you sir, mam," Eddie jumped in shaking both their hands. Jervis did the same.

"Likewise Edward," their father replied. Mom and dad took their seats on the other side of the table from the couples. "Well I'm Francis and this is my wife Eve."

"You girls look so nice," Eve commented.

"Alice is looking a little porky, what are you feeding her there Jerry?"

"I'm pregnant dad, and his name is Jervis, not Jerry."

"Pregnant? You can't be that pregnant without telling your mother and I."

"Slipped my mind."

"I bet."

Five seconds in and Eddie was already wishing he was on a rooftop getting his ass handed to him by Batman.

"Francis stop. She was probably embarrassed," Eve said with a smile.

"I'm not embarrassed mom. I'm pregnant. I didn't tell you guys because I really didn't want the lecture."

"How the hell did this happen Holly? You were supposed to watch her," Francis grumbled.

"Don't blame Holly. I'm an adult. I chose to have sex. I got knocked up. End of story."

"You marrying her Jerry?"

"His name is Jervis and no we're not getting married. Jervis and I don't need to be married to have a family."

"No, god forbid you were normal."

"God forbid indeed."

Eddie was nervous for Jervis who seemed perfectly calm. Quite surprising for a man who usually had nerves of dental floss. The waiter came over to take drink orders and Eddie quickly blurted out a demand for scotch. "A double if you would." After the rest of the table ordered the waiter was gone again and the festivities continued.

"So what about you Edward, what's your story?" Francis asked.

"My story?"

"Yeah what's your line of work, how'd you meet Holly, that sort of thing."

"Oh…well…" Eddie floundered for a minute. Should he lie? Clearly they had known about Alice, so did that mean they got Tipster updates or had someone told them? "Um…"

"Let me make it easier for you son, I know you aren't exactly legit."

"In that case, I met Holly at the Iceberg and as for my line of work currently I am just living off the funds I have collected."

"Collected illegally."

Eddie nodded. How long did it take to pour a scotch?

"Dad please," Holly pleaded. "Eddie is a nice guy."

"Dick was a nice guy with money."

"And a butt that just wouldn't quit," Eddie joked. He got a giggle from the girls and Jervis but Eve and Francis clearly didn't get the joke. "Is it hot in here?"

"Right."

"Dad, Dick and I were never going to make it. Eddie is it for me just like Jervis is it for Alice."

"Yeah Jervis is great for your sister. She's so wrapped up in her damn fantasy land and now she's found someone who shares her delusion. Good news, they're bringing a kid into it. All that money I spent of therapists, psychiatrist, hospital stays all wasted."

"Psychiatrists?" Jervis questioned.

"Yeah daddy thinks I'm nuts."

"Daddy thinks we're all nuts," Holly added.

"Alice, Holly, we don't air our dirty laundry out in public," Eve corrected them.

"Dad started it."

"Don't argue with your mother."

The waiter quietly sat the drinks down on the table rushed for orders. He didn't want to be part of the fray.

"I'll have the porterhouse, rare and these two fine gentlemen will have the same, right boys?" Francis asked not really looking for an answer but Jervis and Eddie nodded anyway. "The missus here will take the salmon, grilled, no butter with rice. Holly you still like the roast chicken?"

"That's fine," Holly conceded.

"Roast chicken for her and salad maybe for our little chub?" Francis laughed. "Just kidding pumpkin, she'll have the grilled chicken."

"Maybe I wanted steak," Alice grumbled.

"Maybe I wanted one legitimate grandchild."

"There's still Holly."

Francis eyed his older daughter. "What do ya say Edward? Making her official anytime soon?"

"I hardly think we're there yet," Eddie answered.

"Really? You jumped on the other one pretty quick."

"Dad," Holly hissed.

"What? It's true."

"It is," Eddie agreed. "I was eager to marry Harley so I could forget about your daughter. Fortunately Harley brought me to my senses and saved me a failed marriage."

"You getting smart Edward?"

"No, I'm just telling you the truth."

"Glad someone likes to tell the truth around here."

"Who's lying?" Alice questioned.

"So you're not pregnant?"

"That's omission daddy. It's different."

"Semantics? Really Alice? You're not too old for a butt whipping."

Alice sulked.

"Francis please," Eve pleaded.

"Please what? What do you want me t do Eve? I wait four months for my daughter to tell me she's pregnant and I have to fly out to this shit hole to hear it and then I'm supposed to brush it aside? I don't think so. This one has been keeping her boyfriend under wraps which I don't blame her."

"Excuse me?" Holly cried.

"When you have kids you want the world for them. You expect they'll grow up, get married, have kids, and live a good life. Not my kids. I have to sit through dinner with a pedophile and a homo and act like its ok."

Jervis leaned over to Eddie and whispered, "Why does everyone think I'm gay?"

"I think you're the pedophile champ," Eddie replied.

"Oh…well fuck."

"We're leaving," Holly announced standing up.

Before she could go anywhere Francis's hand shot out and gripped her arm. "So help me god Holly Renee if you make a scene."

Holly sat down again, defeated. They all were. The rest of the dinner was quiet. So quiet that Eddie wondered if he went deaf and after everyone had finished eating, Francis picked up the check and he and Eve left without a goodbye.

* * *

><p>"Geesh! What a tough crowd! I guess Alice and Holly don't get their sweet nature from the old man. Well no one really expected dinner to go good anyway. Tough break boys. In other news tonight we have Johnny and Sage back out in public having dinner at the Iceberg and what's this? PDA from Ivy and Harvey! Scandalous!"<p>

* * *

><p>The group decided to skip the Iceberg and just go back to Eddie and Holly's for a drink or in Alice's case, a cupcake. It was a quiet ride there and a silent walk up the stairs. The silence continued for another fifteen minutes inside until Holly couldn't stand it any longer. "I'm sorry guys."<p>

"For what?" Eddie questioned.

"Our father."

"Don't apologize for him. He can do it on his own."

"Go ahead and hold your breath while you wait."

Eddie snorted.

"Look, he's an ass. I know that. Usually he's not that bad but apparently he was pissed off. You don't have to deal with him ever again and this is why I told you to just relax and be yourself. Nothing you do will ever impress him."

Eddie poured three glasses of wine and a sprite for Alice. "Wonderful."

"Oh come now Eddie, we're used to being disliked," Jervis chimed in.

"Not like that."

"Oh like you've never been called gay. Joker makes that joke at least ten times a day."

"That's different."

"How so?"

"Because it's Joker! Because it's a joke! Because in some sick way he says it because we're more friends than not and it's like a term of endearment. I have never been maliciously insulted by someone who barely knows me."

"People call us names all the time."

"People call Riddler names. People hate Riddler. People do not have that attitude toward Edward Nigma, at least not since high school and even then they had their reasons."

"I said you didn't have to come!" Holly argued.

"I know. I chose to come to dinner. I chose to sit through it. I'm not blaming you for anything I'm just frustrated."

"Try living with him."

"Not even if I was on death row and that was my only escape."

"He's just an angry person. I don't know why. And he's always taken his anger out on everyone else. Notice how quiet our mother was? She's afraid to talk because he might lash out at her. Slap her, throw her out…"

"Lock her up," Alice finished.

"Or lock her up, yes."

"What does that mean?" Jervis asked.

"It's the Spungeon way. Talk out of turn, act in a way he doesn't like, and boom! Straight to the mental ward in the hospital you go," Alice explained.

"Everyone in our family has had a stay there," Holly went on.

"Sure beat the alternative."

"What was that?" Eddie questioned.

"Francis dealing with you himself," Holly answered. "Everyone always wonders, why things don't scare me, Croc, Joker, any of you. Answer is, I've already seen the worst in people. I know what can happen, what their capable of. I've already been through it." Holly downed her glass of wine. "I'm done talking about this. I'm going to bed."

* * *

><p>24 hours seemed to fly by for Harley and at the end of it she didn't have the answers to any of her questions but she did have Russell knocking on her door begging for just one minute. Selina was out taking a run so Harley conceded and let him in.<p>

"I was hoping you weren't politely trying to blow me off," Russell joked as he took a seat.

"No I just needed to think."

"I realize I sprung everything on you kind of fast, for that I apologize."

"It's not your fault. I'm a mess Russell, I have to tell you. I'm so messed up."

"All the best people are."

"No I mean it. I'm a crazy girl and a project and a half."

"I love a good fixer upper."

Harley laughed. "Nothing I say will detour you will it?"  
>"Probably not."<p>

Harley thought about what Selina had said, about fixing herself. Why couldn't she do that with someone? So what if it wasn't love at first sight, he was wonderful. "I don't know about London, yet, but I would like to continue seeing you."

"Good because I have this for you." Russell pulled a large black box out from his jacket pocket and presented it to Harley. "Now, before you decline my gift, remember, I'm a diamond broker and this is nothing for me." He opened the box and inside was a diamond choker with a large diamond flower.

Harley nearly choked. "Holy crap on a cracker!"

"Remember, I get things like this all the time and it's nothing too expensive for me."

A normal girl would've declined the gift but Harley wasn't normal. "Yeah well diamonds are a girl's best friend so give it to me!"


	8. When Love Goes Wrong

Author's Note: Hi! How are you? What's new? That's nice.

* * *

><p>Harley knew it wasn't right take such an extravagant gift from a man she barely knew, no matter what Russell said about the cost. After putting it on though, she couldn't bare to part with it. As she stood in front of the full length mirror admiring her new trinket, Russell appeared behind her, snaking his arms around her waist and kissing her neck.<p>

"It looks absolutely divine on you," he declared between kisses.

"The necklace or you?" she joked.

"Both."

"I'm going to need an amazing dress to go with this."

"I think it would look better on its own." Russell started to slide the thin straps of Harley's dress off her shoulders. He smiled devilishly in the mirror at her.

She smiled back and let him. What the hell? She was on vacation. But as she watched him stare at her in the mirror as he kissed her shoulders she suddenly had this feeling of déjà vu. This moment was so familiar but the memory was far from her grasp until he nibbled her neck, just under her ear. Suddenly she could see Joker behind her in the mirror doing the same only it was in her old apartment, in the bathroom, back when she was Harleen. Harley shook it off and turned to face him. "Let's take this into the bedroom."

Russell let her lead him to the bed while he undid the buttons down the front of his shirt. Harley wiggled out of her dress and crawled onto the bed, waiting for him to discard his shit and pants. "You are so beautiful my dear."

She took out her high ponytail and let her hair cascade down around her shoulders giving him bedroom eyes.

"Oh god please stop love, you're too much," Russell pleaded jokingly joining her on the bed. Harley sat up and kissed him while he fumbled with the clips on the back of her pink lace bra. As she made her way down his jaw and finally his neck, he tossed the undergarment into the doorway, her underwear soon followed.

His hands quickly began to explore her body while his lips reclaimed her mouth. She felt light headed and a little dizzy. Harley started lie down and he followed, not breaking from her once. She closed her eyes, trying to enjoy every moment. But as he touched here, felt there, kissed this, it all started to feel familiar again. It was like he had known her forever. Her stomach began to churn when he bit her neck and as his right hand fluttered across her stomach she swore it was ghost white. Her eyes slammed closed again in a desperate attempt to get rid of the visions that were haunting her. She wanted this. This was good. This was moving on. After she had screamed her mantra inside her head a few more times she opened her eyes, fully prepared to participate in this tryst. The eyes looking back at her were no longer Russell's brown ones but Joker's acid green orbs that had made her blush every time she caught them wandering her body. Harley squirmed under his hands, his white hands. She tried to shake the hallucination from her mind. No, this was surely not real. But when he pulled his lips away from her and that red menacing grin made its appearance and said "Harley" she couldn't stand it any longer.

"No! Stop!" Harley screamed pushing him off her. Now that he was on the other side of the bed he was back to Russell.

"Lorelei? What's wrong?" he asked trying to regain himself.

"I can't do this."

"Alright…"

"I'm sorry. I can't. It's too much."

"That's fine. Just calm down."

She pulled the necklace off and placed it on the bed between them. "Take it."

"No, I want you to keep it. It's a gift."

"I don't think I can ever do this Russell. I'm not ready."

"Well the good news is I'm a very patient man. Keep the necklace." He got up off the bed and collected his clothes. "I'm going to leave you to sort out whatever it is that is bothering you. But I expect you to have breakfast with me in the morning. Agreed?"

Harley nodded sadly.

"Good. Now," he walked back over to the bed and kissed her cheek. "get rid of all those bad thoughts circling your brain. You look far prettier when you smile than when you frown."

* * *

><p>Selina's run had turned into a jog, which became a brisk walk, a leisurely stroll, and finally a shopping trip. Well, she had tried hadn't she? As she wandered one of the many gift shops aboard the ship, she overheard a curious conversation between two of the ladies she had seen at the fancy dinner.<p>

"Did you hear about Lady Winston?" the older, or the one Selina had guessed was older, of the two women asked.

"Hear what? The lord's young secretary who he insisted on having on holiday with them?" the other replied with a satisfied smile.

"Well everyone knows about that little tart. But I meant her diamonds."

"No!"

"Apparently her prized diamond necklace was stolen."

"Oh my!"

"Yes. Right out of the room safe. She suspects the secretary."

"As would I. I figured she was that kind of girl."

"Poor Lady Winston. Such tragedies she suffers."

Selina rolled her eyes. Yes tragedies. Her husband was probably screwing the secretary and one of her many diamond trinkets had been "stolen". It was probably laying about the room somewhere. And as for her husband, well, let him bang the young floozy. Just find yourself a pool boy. Selina walked out of the store and headed for the cabin. The problems of the rich were boring her.

As she rounded the corner on the deck she saw something that sent her running backward. She peeked around the corner this time and watched as First Mate Elliot Reid peered through the little window into their room every few seconds and snapped a picture with his phone. Selina's heart broke instantly and for a second she thought about crying but that second flew by and her next thought was, "I wonder how long it would take someone to find his sorry ass out in the ocean?"

She waited for him to walk away before she continued to their cabin. Making her way down the hallway she passed Russell who gave her a nod and a polite "Dorothy" before he continued on his way. "Just great," she muttered opening the door.

Harley strolled out of the bedroom anxiously and yelled "I can't have sex!"  
>"You couldn't at least say hello first?"<p>

"I tried to have sex with Russell and I freaked out."

"Once again, the word is hello."

"What is wrong with me?"

"A lapse in basic manners?"

"I'm serious!" Harley flopped down onto the couch, exhausted. This day was already draining.

"Look, I told you my opinion."

Harley was fully prepared to take Selina's advice until Russell had whipped out that damned necklace, something she wasn't too excited to tell Selina so she opted to hide it in her suitcase instead.

"Good news is, I have something to take your mind off your Russell problem."

"Is it something good?"

"Nope. My good news is actually bad news. I caught Elliot spying on you."

Harley fell over on the couch and curled up into the fetal position.

"I don't know what he's up to but I'm sure it's not good."

"Great."

"Now, what we need to do is get his phone and figure out what he's doing with those pictures he took."

"Who would possibly want to spy on me?"

"I can think of two people."

"Who?"

"Tipster and Joker."

"The Tipster hasn't said a thing about us since we got on the boat."

"Which is a little odd don't you think? What with me running around with Elliot and you canoodling with the rich diamond guy this should be all over her news page."

"So then why isn't it?"

"I don't know but I bet Elliot does."

"How do we get his phone?"

Selina smiled. "I have a plan."

* * *

><p>As it had been for the last few months, patrol was completely uneventful for Nightwing. Part of it was the lack of criminal activity besides the muggings and things like that, and the other part was Barbara passing over him for the good stuff. Like tonight, Clayface was on the loose. She called Batman to deal with it even though Nightwing was a block over. Possible Croc sighting? Robin and Spoiler.<p>

Wing sat perched on a gargoyle on the roof of the library. If things continued like this he was going to start skipping this nonsense all together or take his act back to Bludhaven. He looked down at the street. Mugger. Cop got him. Wing pouted.

"Red Bird to Sourpuss, over," Robin called through the com.

"Ok, first off these aren't walkie talkies and secondly I'm not a sourpuss," Nightwing ranted.

"From my position across from you, you look like a sourpuss, over."

Nightwing looked up to see Robin on the rooftop across the street waving like a nut. "What happened to your girlfriend?"

"She's not my girlfriend and she had to get home. Test tomorrow."

"Ah."

"Where've you been all night?"

"This gargoyle."

"You didn't get in on the Clayface action?"

"Nope. Oracle called B and left me out. Only found out about it after Batman told me I missed out."

"Dude just apologize."

"At this point it's too late."

"Apparently not because she's still holding grudges."

"Women hold grudges for lifetimes bro."

"You both know you're on the main com line and we can all hear you right?" Batman asked.

"Was not aware boss," Robin admitted.

"News to me," Nightwing agreed.

"Thought so."

"Hey Oracle," Robin greeted.

"Hello nerd."

"Oracle," Nightwing tried.

"Ass."

"Grudges bro. Grudges."

"I'm not holding a grudge. You should just apologize."

"For what? For doing my job?"

"Still on the main com line," Batman interjected.

"For accusing your girlfriend of being the Tipster!"

"I didn't accuse you, I suspected you. Big difference."

"Only to you!"

"Well now I can agree there is a difference between…" Batman started.

"Stop right there Batman, you do not want to get involved," Spoiler chimed in.

"I thought you were going home!"

"I am, just keeping the line open in case I run into anything on the way."

"By all means Batman, finish your sentence," Oracle snapped.

"No. No I think I'm good. I'm already too involved with this situation."

"No way man, you were agreeing with me!" Nightwing whined.

"I am not agreeing with anyone. I am neutral. I am Switzerland."

"You are so not Switzerland. Switzerland doesn't have lunch with England. And when did you buy me a ring?" Oracle blurted out.

"You had lunch with her?" Nightwing yelled.

"It was more like…a…we…I…"

"Wait, whoah, hold up. You bought her a ring?" Spoiler questioned.

"Damn it! You told her about the ring?" Nightwing cried.

"Thank you Spoiler. He missed it the first time but you made sure he caught it. Thanks again. I'm done with this. This is not the correct use of the com. You two need to sort out your problems. Face to face. After patrol."

"But then how are we supposed to know what's happening?" Robin joked.

"You know it doesn't matter where they talk, Batman is always watching us," Spoiler answered.

"I'm off patrol. I'll be at the clock tower in 10," Nightwing hissed.

"I'm working," Oracle fired back.

"We still have three more hours left of patrol," Batman added.

"Be there in 8 now."

* * *

><p>"Still have nothing on this Russell guy which is rather suspicious," she explained as she showed Joker the new pictures.<p>

Joker grimaced at the images of Harley, his Harley, being devoured by her new suitor.

"Looks like someone couldn't perform though." She tossed the last picture of Harley sitting on the bed half in tears as Russell got dressed.

"Why do I need these?"

"You don't. I just thought you wanted to stay informed."

Joker glared at her. "You enjoy this don't you?"

"To be honest, I do. You've spent years torturing me and everyone else in our little world. Now I finally have the tools to get you back."

He grabbed the stack of photos and headed for the door. "I need a drink."

* * *

><p>Nightwing angrily walked into the control room of the clock tower off the elevator. Barbara couldn't even get out a word of her sentence before he marched over to the computer and with a simple push of a button, shut her down.<p>

"Are you fucking crazy?" she screamed spinning around to face him so fast it made Wing a little dizzy.

"Ya know Babs, I'm starting to think I am."

"You can't just waltz in here…"

"Don't tell me what I can and cannot do ok."

"Not ok!"

Nightwing took off his mask and tossed it onto the keyboard. "Let's talk."

"I'm working."

"I wish I was but someone keeps shafting me on all the calls."

"Oh please. You're imagining things."

"Like hell. You're purposefully leaving me out on busts."

Barbara rolled her eyes. "What would be the point of that?"

"To piss me off!"

"Well then I guess mission accomplished. Goodbye."

"Not done!"

"Yes you are."

"Far from it. Yeah I screwed up…"

"You bet your ass you did!"

"But I…"

"But nothing! You screwed up. Period! Nothing to add to that. You hacked my computer, you read through my personal files, and you accused me…"

"Suspected! I suspected you!"

"Of being a gossiping bitch!"

"Can you see where I was coming from with my suspicion?"

Barbara opened her mouth to answer but stopped.

"Ha! Right there! You can't argue."

"It was a plausible theory…"

"You're damn right it was!"

"But you went about it all wrong! Why didn't you just ask me?"

"Would you have told me?"

"Yes because I'm not the freaking Tipster! I have nothing to hide!"

"If you have nothing to hide then why are you so mad at me?"

"Are you really this stupid?"

"Apparently."

"I'm mad because you went behind my back and snooped through my life like I was a common criminal, not your girlfriend."

It was all clear now. She wasn't really mad about the Tipster thing. It was the lack of trust. "Ah."

"Yeah ah."

Dick stared at his feet. They were such utterly fascinating things.

"Whatever, it's done Dick."

"You mean to tell me if you suspected me of something you wouldn't go all Oracle on my ass?" See that right there, Dick new it was so Bruce talking. They were at a moment of calm, possibly peace. On their way to repairing their broken relationship but instead of letting it be or apologizing he had to add something else. One more dig. One more swing at being right.

Barbara's mouth fell open. She was simply stunned. "Get out."

"Look, Barbara I didn't mean…"

"Get the fuck out!" she yelled.

Dick wasn't budging. This is the part of stubborn he was happy Bruce passed on to him. Stand your ground kid. Don't show fear. "I'm not leaving."

"And runner up for world's greatest detective is…get out Dick!"

"Babs…"

"I have nothing left to say to you. Clearly I was so wrong about you. I thought you were this decent guy, maybe a little on the thick side, cocky for sure, but never in a million years did I think you were such an ass."

"So then what?"

"Nothing."

"This is it then?"

Barbara turned back to her monitors and rebooted the system. If someone had asked her yesterday if she was single she would've said no. They were fighting, sure, separated certainly, but she didn't consider it over. Just paused. Now here it was…the end. "Yeah."

Dick nodded his head and took a deep breath. He'd cried twice before in his life, when he parents died and the night his voice cracked in front of Catwoman and she laughed so hard she couldn't stand. Here it was again, the tears. Nope, he was a man, he didn't cry. Fight them off Dick.

Barbara typed in her passwords and waited to hear him walk out of the room so she could start bawling herself. Instead he took a step closer to her and sat the little black box next to her hand and picked up his mask. "I don't want it. Keep it. Pawn it. Throw it away. I don't care."

He made it onto the elevator just as she turned around. They looked at each other for a minute, tears streaming down both their faces. The doors closed, and they were both alone.

Barbara turned back to her computer. "I know the com doesn't shut off when the computer does and I just realized I never switched off the mic."

"I didn't want to say anything," Batman replied.

"It's over."

"I heard."

"I'm fine."

"Ok."

"I mean I will be. I'm a little shaken now but I'll be fine."

"Did you look at the ring?"

"No. I shouldn't. I might fall in love with it."

"And?"

"And I won't want to give it to you to give back to him. I'm not keeping it."

"Open the box."

She did and of course she fell in love with it just like Dick knew she would. "Damn you."

"He is on the roof."

Barbara looked at one of the security screens and there was Nightwing, on the ledge of the roof. Looking lost. And on another screen was Batman and Robin. "You're spying on us?"

"Not spying, looking after you."

"This sounds like his whole suspecting/accusing argument."

"Where do you think he gets it from?"

"You're an ass too."

"Also the boss. Go up there."

"Direct order?"

"You bet."

Barbara made her way up to the roof. What the hell was she supposed to say? "I hate you." Not a great start but it was something.

"Thanks I guess."

"I was so ready to just finish up this night, go home, eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's while I watched Sex and the City until I fell asleep but no, I opened the box and I hate you."

"Really not sure what to say here."

"I can't keep the ring."

"I don't want it."

"You have to take it back." She held out the box but he wouldn't take it. "Damn it Wing!"

"It's for you."

"It means too much. I can't keep it and I sure as hell can't wear it."

"Well it won't make sense for me to wear it."

"If I keep this and we're not together then it will just remind me of what we lost."

He shrugged.

"I can't have it if we're not getting married."

"Then you better marry me because I'm not taking the ring."

"Take the ring Dick."

"Nope."

"You have to take it back."

"Not doing it. Wanna do a summer or a fall wedding?"

"Dick!"

"I like fall myself. The manor grounds look amazing. We could do the whole thing there."

Barbara laughed in frustration. This was so typical. "This is ridiculous. Take the ring."

"I won't do it."

"I already told you, I can't keep this damn thing if we're not getting married. It hurts too much."

"And I said you better marry me because I'm not taking it back." He smiled that cocky smile he always got when he knew he had her. It drove Barbara crazy in more ways than one.

"I'm serious take the ring."

"I'm serious too, marry me."

"I really do hate you."

Dick took a step off the ledge toward her. "I can't even begin to apologize for what I did. It was wrong and I knew that the second you got pissed and I'm sure I knew it when I went in. But I am sorry. I'm sorry I betrayed your trust, I'm sorry I accused you of being the Tipster, and I'm really sorry I wasted all this time being stubborn and that I hurt you. Barbara, I'm just a sorry sack of shit."

She had to laugh. Even being sincere he was a comedian.

He dropped down on both knees and said "This is me, begging for forgiveness."

"I forgive you."

Dick got up on knee and continued, "And this is me asking you to marry me."

"Your mic is still on…" Batman announced.

"I hate my life," Nightwing grunted.

"Answer me honestly, when you pictured proposing to me, was it this messed up?"

"Yes because I'm the adoptive son of Batman. Nothing in my life is right. I'm a mess Babs. A total mess that is beyond repair but if you don't mind a mess then please marry me."

"Of course I will."

"Are we just ignoring me now?" Batman asked.

* * *

><p>Selina was Catwoman. Catwoman was an expert thief who's skills could not be matched. Breaking into the first mate's quarters and stealing his phone should've been a piece of cake. She knew he was on duty and she knew that meant his phone would remain on the charger on his night stand next to his bed. She had seen it there the night they had played Scrabble. At the time she felt sorry for him, she knew he was expecting more than a spirited game of words but now she was happy she held out. Now once again, all of this should be a piece of cake. But Selina was not working as Catwoman and she was not working alone. Stealth and covert were two words Harley Quinn had failed to learn. Something Selina realized long ago when they worked together on stealing for Oswald…or from him rather.<p>

They stood pressed up against the wall on the corner leading to the officers' quarters. Selina peered around the corner to scan the hallway for officers wandering about. Coast looked clear. They tip toed ever so carefully toward Elliot's door, shoes in hand so as not to make a sound. Selina pulled her lock pick kit out of her purse. Electronic key card lock. They were a real bitch. She grimaced. "Here we go." Not expecting the sailors' quarters to be so high tech, she hadn't thought to bring the computer mechanism to pick the lock. Instead she was stuck with her regular tools but she had had some luck in the past with a couple normal picks and these dumb ass key card locks. She slid the two long slender metal rods in and wiggled them about, feeling for the readers. If you could break them the door would unlock.

"How's it going?" Harley asked.

"Just dandy." Except it wasn't. These weren't older locks either. These were pretty much brand new which meant the reader was deeper in the mechanism. "Damn!" she hissed.

"Let me try," Harley offered switching positions with Selina.

"Be my guest."

Harley ignored the kit being offered to her and instead took one of her shoes back from Selina. "These heels ain't just for walking." With one swift movement, the pointed toothpick thin heel of her shoes was jammed down into the lock and through it. The device was murdered and the door unlocked. Harley smiled innocently and held the door open for Selina.

Once they were both inside and the door shut behind them Selina snapped, "Like no one is going to notice the entire lock is pretty much broken off!"

"We leave tomorrow. Big deal."

"Big deal is tonight he's going to be looking for the people who broke into his room."

"Scared?"

"Hardly. But I'm also not looking forward to spending my vacation in a jail cell."

"Find the phone so we can get out without a trip to the pokey."

Selina marched right over to the nightstand and snatched up the phone. "Got it."

Back at their room, Selina searched the phone. "There's all kinds of pictures of you. It's like he obsessed."

"Creepy."

"Yeah it is," she agreed. "Wait…they're being sent to someone."

"Who?"

"The captain."

"Why would the captain want pictures of me?"

"Good question." Selina scrolled through to the beginning of the texts and started to read them. "The captain knows who we are."

"What?"

"Keep an eye on Quinn. She wants to know what they're doing at all times," Selina read.

"Who's she?"

"My guess is Tipster."

"This creepy times ten now."

"He was using me to get to you."

"Sorry."

"Doesn't make any sense though. Why would the Tipster just want dirt on you? And there are some really good pictures here but nothing has come up on the site."

"Blackmail?"

"Not her style. She loves to tell everyone our personal business. She gets some sort of thrill off it."

"Joker?"

"Well he's not a she."

"Maybe it was a typo."

"How would he know the captain?"

Harley shrugged.

Selina deleted all the pictures. Not that it did any good, they'd already been sent. It still made her feel better. "Unless we confront the captain we'll never know."

Harley pulled out her own phone. "Or go straight to the source." She quickly typed out a text to the Tipster. "I know what you've been doing. Nothing juicy enough for you?"

It only took a second to get a message back. "Don't know what you're talking about Harley dear."

"I have Elliot's phone. I know about the pictures."

This time it took a little longer but a message came through none the less. "He got caught huh? Oh well. I've been a bad girl spying on you. But you've been a bad girl too."

"Why aren't you posting this?"

Nothing but a little winking smiley face. Harley was infuriated. "Stupid bitch."

"Forget her. Let's kick Elliot's ass."

* * *

><p>"Please," Holly begged in the whiniest most annoying voice she could.<p>

"No. No way. Hitting the bottle that hard, I don't want to be involved," Eddie replied. "I love you, but after meeting your father I think I'm good on favors."

Holly glared at him. "That wasn't a favor for me."

"True but it was still unpleasant. I could've killed him."

"Just go talk to him, please."

"Holllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyy!" Joker called from the other end of the bar.

"What do I have to do to get you to go down there?"

"That one thing you won't let me do during sex," Eddie told her.

"Oh no."

"No deal then."

"Eddie it's just weird."

"You don't know until you try."

"It's just…I don't know."

"I thought the same thing the first time but now I really enjoy it."

Holly rolled her eyes and conceded. "Fine. We'll do it."

"Yes!"

"Now take this bottle of tequila down to senor Joker."

Eddie grabbed the bottle and walked down to Joker's bar stool, stealing the one next to him.

"I have to ask," Ivy began. She knew she'd regret choosing seats at the bar instead of her own table but Harvey wanted to chat with Freeze who was also seated at the bar so here she was. "What is it that he wants to do?"

"It's really out there."

"Choking?"

"No."

"Bondage?"

"No."

"Backdoor action?"

"No!"

"Hmmm…"

"Whoopie cushion."

"What?" Ivy laughed.

"I don't know, it was a Harley thing. He dug it."

Ivy laughed so hard she nearly fell off her stool.

"It's not funny! Damn it Ivy stop laughing!"

* * *

><p>Eddie sat the tequila bottle down next to Joker's empty one. When the clown made no move for it, Eddie poured them drinks. "So what's got you down now?"<p>

Joker laid the pictures down on the bar and downed his shot.

"Oh Harley," Eddie tsked flipping through the pictures. "I remember those."

Joker snatched the pictures back.

"Looks like she didn't do the deed though."

"Not much of a consolation."

"I suppose it wouldn't be."

"You don't have to sit here. I know Holly pushed you down the bar."

"She did but I'll stay anyway."

"Remember when we used to be focused on one upping each other and driving the Bat crazy?"

"You mean before women?"

"Yup."

"I do."

"I miss those days."

"So get off your sorry ass and come up with something."

"I can't even think anymore Ed. I can't even begin to work."

"Sobering up might help."

"Hmm?"

"You've been drunk for weeks now, maybe even longer. I think you have a problem."

"I do not."

"You do. You're using this as a way to suppress your problems and it's not working."

"Are you Dr. Arkham now?"

"No but maybe that isn't a bad choice either. Go back to the Asylum. Break out. Get your bearings. You might feel like tangling with Batman again."

"Are you ever going back to the life?"

Eddie sighed. Obviously his advice wasn't wanted. "Maybe. I haven't really thought about it."

"You're not. I can tell. I know a lifer when I see it and you were never a lifer. You had too much normal in you. Insane as you are you always had that ability to just be normal. I never had that ability."

Eddie nodded.

"Harley was my normal. That bit of something real that I could touch. Maybe that's my problem. I'm missing something normal in my life, not her."

"Don't think like that. That's the kind of thinking that got you into this trouble."

"I wish I'd never looked at her twice."

"Liar."

"I mean it."

"If you meant it then you would forget her. You could have Jervis hat her right out of your head in a heartbeat or have Strange go to town on your noggin but you don't. Instead you sit here, night after night, pining for her, crying for her. Honestly it's pathetic."

"I'm aware."

"Then stop it."

"I've tried to reason with her."

"I know. You just need to face fact that she's gone."

"That's mean."

"Everyone has been coddling you and walking on eggshells because they're so afraid you'll snap but I'm not anymore. Fuck it. You lost her. Plain and simple. Gone. She is gone. She is moving on." Eddie threw the pictures across the bar. "And why shouldn't she? What's she got with you? A whiney sad excuse for a man who spends his time and money drowning in this hell hole. You're nothing anymore Joker. Hell, Batman probably wouldn't even waste his time with you anymore."

Oswald waddled over to the bar upon hearing the raised voice of Edward. He didn't want another scuffle in his establishment. They had just repaired the damages from the last one. "What on Earth is going on here?"

"Just a friendly chat," Eddie answered staring Joker dead in the eye. Challenging him to say something. But nothing came from Joker's mouth.

"What are these?" Oswald asked picking up the pictures.

"Photos of Harley. Looks like Joker has a spy."

"Yes I was aware of that. These are damn near pornographic. Oh! That one is." Oswald continued looking at the pictures but he was no longer paying attention to Harley. "Joker why didn't you tell me she was screwing around with him?"

"I did. That's Russell."

"This is Russell?"

"Yes."

"Russell Beakman…it sounded familiar but I couldn't place it. Mostly because his real name is Randall Beekman."

"What?" Eddie and Joker asked in unison.

"Randall Beekman. He's a diamond thief not a broker. Works in Europe mostly. Done a few things in America. I sold some rocks for him once. I didn't care for him."

"A diamond thief?"

"Yes. A good one. Close to Selina's level. None of her style though. He's never been caught either but almost all of his accomplices have."

"What do you mean?" Eddie inquired.

"He fools women into helping him in one way or another and they usually get popped while he gets away with the jewels. I finally got Harley's accounts cut off as well. She and Selina are now stuck in Paris without a cent except whatever is in their pockets."

"You left Harley and Selina penniless in Paris France with a jewel thief?"

"To be fair she was not with the jewel thief when I put this plan in motion."

"You idiot!"

"Edward please! Calm down!" Oswald ordered.

"They're in trouble Jack. They have no friends out there. If Harley get's busted because of this guy she will be stuck in a French prison."

"What is all the commotion?" Ivy asked joining the group with Holly and Harvey.

"Joker had Oswald cut Selina and Harley off and now they're stuck in France with a jewel thief who happens to get his female companions tossed in the slammer," Eddie explained.

"You what?"

"I can explain," Joker tried.

"Like hell!" Ivy reached out and started choking Joker.

"Ivy!" Oswald growled.

"Don't get mad at her!" Harvey snapped. "You're just as much to blame!"

"Joker promised me a favor!"

"Mr. Cobblepot, really?"

"Don't look at me like that Holly, I'm a business man."

"Ivy please stop choking him," Eddie requested when he noticed Joker turning blue.

Ivy slowly released her hold on the clown. "You better get your ass on a plane and bring them home!"

"They're adults, they can handle themselves."

"Either you fly to Paris and help them or I kick your ass across the ocean."

"I'll take the flight."

* * *

><p>Harley did not meet Russell for breakfast. She wasn't sure if he was in cahoots with Elliot but she didn't think she was emotionally stable enough to find out right now. She feigned a headache and promised a dinner once she was settled in. Selina on the other hand was more than happy to meet Elliot one more time as the ship was docking.<p>

"Someone broke into my room last night and stole my phone," Elliot told Selina as they walked along the deck.

"Oh really?" she asked pulling the phone out of her purse.

"How did you get that?"

"Gee, you can't figure it out?"

"Selina look, I can explain."

"I bet." She hurled the phone over the edge and watched it sail out into the water.

"What the hell?"

"I caught you spying on Harley. What the hell were you doing?"

"The captain asked me to watch you guys after we had dinner."

Selina rolled her eyes. "Goodbye Elliot."

"Selina wait! Look, I know I did a bad thing. I'm a louse I know. But it was never about you. She just wanted dirt on Harley."

"So you used me to get close to my friend. Let me guess, Russell was in on it too."

"No it's not like that! I genuinely like you. I fell for you the moment we met and the spying cam after. And Russell has no part in this."

"Go to hell and die. In that order." She stormed off. She didn't know if she should believe him our not but it didn't matter. He hurt her friend and that was enough for her to lose all interest.

* * *

><p>Eddie was elected official cab ride buddy to the airport. He was to make sure Joker got on the plane and that the plane left. He didn't know how it happened but here he was.<p>

"I was going to go anyway," Joker admitted breaking the awkward silence.

"Yeah sure."

"I was. The second Oswald said he was a jewel thief I had made up my mind to go. Scarlet was right, I should've went all along."

"Yeah you should've."

"I'm a mess."

"A right cluster fuck."

"Am I really pathetic?"

"Are you really asking me?"

"Yes."

"Jesus," Eddie muttered. "Since when the hell does my opinion matter to you? Or anyone else's for that matter?"

"Since you ripped me a new one at the bar."

"I was just trying to goad you into growing a pair."

"I can feel them growing as we speak."

"As much as we pretend otherwise, we are human. We have human emotions and human reactions. The way you are reacting, it's human. A little bit more psychotic than most human reactions but human all the same."

"Human." Joker said it like it was new word to him. Something foreign.

"Yes, human. You have a heart and its growing three sizes."

Joker looked at him sideways.

"I can see it beating!"

"Human," he repeated. "What does it mean? Am I losing myself?"

"No. We can be human and still do what we do. Be who we are. You've always been human. You've pushed it down. Remembering what you were before this, what you had, I'm sure it was painful. I can't even imagine. So you pushed and buried everything and refused to feel it, to deal with it. Now here you are again. Only now you can't bury it. You opened yourself up to her and you've forgotten how to be numb. And quite honestly I think that's a good thing. We've all spent too much time being numb."

Joker eyed him suspiciously.

"Don't look at me like that. I know it's hard to believe, cute and smart but it's true."

Joker turned his attention to the window and watched the city go by.

"I just hope Harley doesn't become numb. It would be a shame to lose such a beautiful personality."

He didn't say anything. He just kept watching the passing city and secretly wished the same thing.

* * *

><p>"You were spying on her?" Russell or Randall rather screeched. "For what purpose?"<p>

"The Tipster wanted to know what she was up to," Elliot explained.

"Why on Earth would the Tipster care about Lorelei?"

"Lorelei? Lorelei is Harley Quinn and Dorothy is Catwoman."

Randall laughed. "Are you serious?"

"Yes and now Selina is pissed."

"Way to screw up. Does she think I'm involved?"

"She did but I told her you weren't. Who knows though?'

"Harley Quinn…hmm."

"Yup."

"Oh fuck."

"What?"

"I gave the diamonds to her!"

"What?"

"I gave her the necklace so we could get it off the ship!"

"You gave a 4 million dollar necklace to the Joker's girlfriend?"

"I didn't know she was the Joker's girlfriend when I gave it to her."

"This is great."

"She may hate you but she still likes me. I just need to get her to see me one more time so I can figure out where she has the necklace and steal it back."

"This is the messiest job we've ever pulled."

"Well next time you decide you want to play James Bond, clue me in first."

"How was I supposed to know you were dropping the ice with her? I thought you were giving it to the lord's little bubble head."

"Too many people suspected her right off the bat. I had to change plans."

"This is just great."

* * *

><p>Harley and Selina stood at the check in counter in the Ritz Paris waiting for their room key. Harley had successfully avoided Russell getting off the ship and she was hoping he wouldn't be able to figure out what hotel they were at. Or worse, be staying here himself. She really had no interest in finding out if he was indeed in on the plan with Elliot.<p>

The concierge walked solemnly back to the counter. "I am sorry miss Lee, but uh, your card has been declined," he told her with his heavy French accent.

"What? That's impossible. I didn't use this card at all."

"Don't worry about it Lorelei. Here monsieur, take mine." Selina pulled out one of the many cards in her wallet and handed it over to him.

"I don't understand how that card was declined."

"Maybe it was a glitch. Overseas stuff gets lost in translation. Could be that it isn't set up to leave the U.S."

Once again the concierge walked over. He handed the card back. "I am so sorry but this one was denied too."

"Ok now that is impossible. Get the company on the phone please."

The concierge did as he was asked and rang up the credit card company.

"Hello. Yes, this is Dorothy Shaw, I seem to be having some trouble with my card. Yes. Uh huh. What? Well please reactivate it. Password? I never put a password on it. When? I was on a ship I never…alright. Thank you." Selina hung up.

"Did you get it sorted out?" Harley asked.

"We'll be back. We just need to hit the ATM." Selina and Harley walked outside. "The card was turned off and a password was put on it so I can't reactivate it. My guess is yours is the same as well as all our cards. We'll just use cash for the hotel and then sort out the cards later."

Luckily there was a bank not too far from the hotel. Selina inserted her Dorothy debit card and punched in the code. The accounts were all empty. "Son of a bitch."

"I put some money in an offshore account. I'll just call up and have it wired over." Harley pulled out her phone and quickly called the Swiss bank she had hid some of her funds in. "Hello this is Lorelei Lee, need some money wired from my account. Yes, that is the account. Birthday is February 14th," here Harley whispered the year into the phone and smiled at Selina. "Thank you. Empty! What do you mean? That is impossible!"

Selina took the phone from Harley and hung up. "All the cards are frozen, accounts empty, we've been cut off Harl."

"How? Who could do this? Who would do this?"

"How? Easy, you just figure out where all our funds are, call up, and cancel everything or empty it out. Who could do this? Also easy. Oswald Cobblepot has the pull to clean anyone out. Who would do this? Well Oswald has no reason to leave us stranded unless a third party is involved which I'm guessing would be Joker."

"Of all the dirty underhanded tricks!"

"Yeah well he is Joker. King of dirty underhanded tricks."

"Now what do we do?"

"We need to find a way to make fast cash."

Harley toyed with the idea of pawning the necklace but quickly pushed the idea out of her head. That would be her last resort. "Russell."

"What?"

"He has money."

"Yeah but he's also a rat."

"He's possibly a rat. We don't know that for sure. All we do know for sure is he has the money to give us someplace to stay."

"I don't like it."

"Well here are our options, we either ask Russell for help, waste time begging Oswald to switch our cards back on, or you can ask Bruce."

"We could call Ivy."

"No. Every time I get in a jam I have to call Red for help. Not this time. The way I see it, we deserve a vacation and Russell owes me if he is a rat. So, I'm going to get what I'm owed. Let's just rob his ass blind and take off."

"A little revenge, a lot of money…alright. I'm in. Where do we find him?"

"Leave that to me."


	9. Criminal

Author's Note: Shopping around for a new car…anyone know how much the Batmobile is running these days? Like the beefed up tank from the Nolan flicks.

* * *

><p>"When you disappeared on me this morning I thought I would never see you again," Russell said as he poured a cup of coffee for Harley in his hotel room.<p>

"Dorothy was eager to get off the ship. She and Elliot had a falling out," Harley explained taking the cup offered to her.

"He mentioned she was rather infuriated with him. And I imagined you were angry with me as well."

"Why should I be angry with you?"

"I know all about the Tipster incident. I assure you I just found out about it though. I had nothing to do with Elliot's behavior nor do I condone it."

"So then you know about me?"

"I do."

"And you're ok with being lied to?"  
>Russell took a deep breath and a sip of coffee. "No, I can't say that I am but I do understand your reasons for doing so. You didn't know me. Trusting me with something as important as your identity was a big step."<p>

"Well cat's out of the bag."

"Indeed. Lorelei…Harley I mean, everything I said still stands. You may not be named Lorelei but I'm sure Harley is the same girl."

"Well if that's the case Russell, then I need your help."

"Anything."

"Since you know who I am now I'm sure you know all about my life."

"For the most part."

"Well, Joker has decided it would be funny to cut me and Selina off. As it stands we are stuck in Paris and Selina is probably spending our last ten bucks on lunch. We have no one else here to give us a hand. If you could just…"

"Say no more. A true gentleman never leaves a damsel in distress."

"I'm not really a damsel and you would get your money back as soon as we sort out this nonsense."

"I won't hear of it. You collect Selina and bring her back here. I'll set you girls up with a room."

* * *

><p>When Joker used to travel he would have to don an entire costume to go about the world unnoticed. Especially on planes. People were unwilling to fly with a known homicidal maniac who was probably carrying a thermos full of Smile-X because he got it mixed up with his morning coffee. But in all the rush Joker had no time to cover up his ghostly complexion or even change out of his signature purple suit. As he walked into the airport he could imagine the screams of terror and fleeing patrons now. But no one fled. No one screamed. Instead he was met with curiosity, acceptance, and was that a wave? What the hell was going on? Joker walked through the bustling airport and made his way to the ticket counter. As he stood in line he noticed a couple of Asian women staring at him and pointing. Every time he looked over to catch them, they ducked behind their magazine and giggled. "Can I help you?" he asked the girls in the neighboring line.<p>

"Sumimasen, we big fans of you!" the one explained while the other remained hidden, giggling.

"Fans?"

"Yes. Follow all Tipster! Read everything. Very popular in Japan."

"Japan?"

"Where we are from," the other chimed in. "Tokyo."

Joker rolled his eyes.

"Can we get picture for souvenir? Best part of American trip."

"A picture?" he mouthed silently. The girls didn't wait. They handed off their phone to another person in line and each of them took one of Joker's sides. They posed while Joker remained staring in shock. What was happening? Was this the Twilight Zone or did he finally have the psychological break from reality Dr. Arkham was always going on about?

"Thank you so much. Nice picture see?" she showed him the cell phone photo.

"Yes."

"Can't wait to see more about you."

Joker nodded.

"Where Harley?" the shy girl asked.

"Paris," he answered.

"Are you going to get her? You are my best couple."

"I don't know."

"Of course he get her. Harley Quinn Joker. Number one Gotham couple," the other told her.

"You are both aware we are real people right? This isn't some show. Those updates are our lives."

"Yes. Why it make it so much better. New reality TV is reality website!"

Joker looked around at the people staring at him. It wasn't the usual humor the psycho look, it was like he was Snooki and everyone was waiting for his next antic. "Oh my god we're celebrities now."

* * *

><p>"Grab the bags, I got us a place to stay," Harley announced bounding over to her travel buddy at the little café across from Hotel de Crillon, where Russell was staying.<p>

"What? Where?" Selina asked standing up.

"There," Harley replied pointing behind her.

"Crillon? How'd you get a room there?"

"Russell is setting us up."

"I thought you were just scoping out his room so we could sneak in later."

"I was but then I had a better idea."

"What? Go to dinner with him?" Selina asked with all the sarcasm in the world.

"Nope. Let him put us up, get all cozy with him, and when he's not looking we take what we can get."

"I don't think his guard is going to drop around us. He probably knows who we are now."

Harley picked up her bags and headed for the hotel.

"He does know who we are doesn't he?" Selina questioned chasing after her.

"A little."

"A little?"

"Ok, he does."

"Then why on Earth is he helping us?"

"He likes me."

"More like he likes whatever the Tipster is giving him. I doubt Joker is done screwing with us and we're playing right into his trap."

"I would love to hear your idea for money," Harley snapped.

"Ivy."

"I said no."

"Fine then Holly or Scarlet. Hell I'll call Hugo Strange if I have to!"

"Then go ahead, call them. I'm sticking with my plan."

Selina watched Harley walk into the hotel and after a few seconds of dancing around indecisively outside she followed her in. "This better not bite us in the ass."

* * *

><p>Bruce walked into the kitchen where Alfred was preparing lunch for everyone. "Do you hear that Alfred?"<p>

"Hear what sir?"

"Exactly. Once again the house is calm. Silent."

Alfred looked around the kitchen. It was more quiet than usual. What was missing? "Master Dick is not here."

"Nope. Stayed at Barbara's last night."

"Then they have repaired their relationship?"

"More than repaired, he proposed to her. He'll move back in with her, they'll get married, and no longer will I have a moping grown man in my house."

"Congratulations sir."

"I didn't do anything really."

"I meant on Master Dick's engagement."

Bruce gave his butler a slightly confused look.

"Because he is basically your son."

"Oh, right."

"It had not dawned on you yet did it sir?"

"No."

Alfred sat the grilled chicken salad he had prepared in front of Bruce along with a Coke.

"My son is getting married."

"Indeed."

"Wow."

"Would you like the ranch dressing sir?"

"Huh? Oh yeah." Bruce was still in a daze. This was all so crazy.

"Are you alright sir?"

"Yeah just a little in shock now." Bruce shook it off. "Anyway, I'm happy for them. They deserve to be happy and I deserve to have a drama-free house."

"Which reminds me, Miss Kyle called this morning."

"It was nice while it lasted."

* * *

><p>After securing the girls the room next door, Russell immediately picked up his phone and called Elliot.<p>

"Yes?" Elliot answered.

"My little birdie came back to me," Russell beamed.

"She did?"

"Yes, it seems she's in a bit of a financial predicament."

"What do you mean?"

"Joker somehow cut all her funding. Anyway I just got her a room next to mine. I'll take the girls out and while their gone you go through the room and find the necklace. Once we have it we'll get on a plane and leave them with hotel bill."

"I like the way you think."

"Be at the hotel by 7."

* * *

><p>When he landed in Paris, Joker thought he might be met with the reaction he was more used to, but alas, it was the same as boarding the flight. People stared in awe rather than fear and he heard the distinct sounds of cell phone cameras as he walked by. It was insane. He made his way to the cab line but realized rather quickly he wasn't sure where he was going. He pulled his phone out and quickly punched in a number he was becoming all too familiar with.<p>

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she growled into the phone.

"Excuse me?"

"I received an interesting photo of you schmoozing it up with a couple of young Japanese beauties in the airport. Where are you?"

"Paris."

"France?"

"No Texas."

"Not funny. What are you doing in France?"

"I made a mistake."

"Just the one?"

"You know why you can't find Russell Beakman? Because his name is Randall Beekman. He's a jewel thief in Europe."

"And?"

"And he's has this little habit of using women and sending them to jail for his crimes."

"And only you are allowed to send your woman to jail, is that it?"

"Shut up and tell me where she is."

"I don't know where she is. I was tracking her through the ship's crew and her credit cards which you had turned off. Her hotel canceled her reservation due to he lack of funds. She's off the grid now kid."

"You need to find her."

"I'm not psychic Joker!"

"Well then how in the hell do you find all of us?"

"Easy I rely on the kindness of strangers."

"Someone in Paris has to recognize her."

"Oh yeah, the pretty blonde. Shouldn't be too hard."

"Can you try to be more helpful?"

"Why should I? We're not exactly friends and you already blackmailed me into helping you. Which by the way, I did my part so you better just toss all your proof into the nearest trash can."

"Why? We're not exactly friends," Joker mocked.

"Why? I'll tell you why. You tipped your hand Jack. I can make it so you'll never find her. You want help well, you better get rid of your evidence against me. If you don't, I bury Harley forever."

This was the first time in history someone had something on Joker. He felt violated. "In my apartment, the computer, it's all there. Just delete everything."

"Thank you."

"Where is she?"

"Give me an hour. I'm sure I can track her down."

Joker glared at the phone after she hung up. "Stupid bitch." He grabbed a cab and ordered the driver to the Hilton. This was probably going to be an overnight trip. Too bad he didn't grab extra clothes. Joker fished around his pocket for his pack of cigarettes, instead he found his flash drive. He smiled. "Whoops! Looks like I forgot about my backup disk."

* * *

><p>"Dinner?" Selina cried. "Forget that."<p>

"It's a nice gesture and I'm hungry," Harley whined.

"You can go, I'll stick with room service."

"We can't order room service on his dime!"

"We're going to rob him anyway."

"Still it seems rude."

Selina stared at her in disbelief. "I worry about you sometimes."

"Look, we go to dinner tonight, get a good night sleep, spend tomorrow cruising his accounts and cards, and then by tomorrow night we're out of here."

"That better be the plan."

"It is."

"Even if he wants to take you to the Caribbean for breakfast?"

"Even if he wants to give me the Caribbean for breakfast."

Selina ripped through her suitcase to find something to wear. "Can we make it a fast night?"

"Absolutely."

* * *

><p>"I have no sign of her yet boss," she told him later on that evening.<p>

"What about Russell?" Joker asked.

"Why would I look for him?"

"Maybe she ran to him for help."

"Before calling Ivy?"

"Maybe. She's done stranger things."

"Yeah you."

"Har har."

"I'm a riot I know. I'll do a run through on him and see if he turns up."

* * *

><p>Bruce stared at his phone, an internal struggle playing out in his mind. Debating on whether or not it was worth the emotional turmoil to call Selina. She had left a vague cryptic message, "I might need help" with Alfred. Might need help. What kind of help? And where had she been? No Tipster updates, no sightings at their coffee shop, no Iceberg, nothing. What kind of trouble had she possibly gotten herself into? Might need help didn't mean she actually did and since she never called back, perhaps she had sorted it out herself. Or maybe now she did need help and was unable to call for it. He picked up the phone and called her. The thought of not knowing was driving him crazy and how was he supposed to enjoy his peace and quiet if he were mad? She didn't answer. He hung up. Not even around him, she was driving him mad.<p>

* * *

><p>Although she hated him with every fiber of her being, Selina was grateful to have a place to stay for the night. She stretched out her own queen bed and smiled contently in her half awake state. Much better than the last time she went out of town and woke up hung over in Vegas. As she contemplated getting out of bed, her decision was made for her when a loud pounding began at her door.<p>

"What's that?" Harley moaned.

"Someone at the door."

"Sounds like Gordon."

Selina was unfamiliar with the sound of Commissioner Gordon pounding at her door and she was thankful. Whoever this person was, they were not going away and clearly Harley was not going to answer it. She dragged herself out of bed and slowly made her way to the door. "They better have coffee." She opened the door to find two tall uniform clad men standing in the hallway. "Hello?"

"Good morning. I am Officer Camus and this is officer Dumas," Officer Camus explained.

"Ok."

"We are looking for Harley Quinn."

"What the hell did you do?" Selina yelled at the blonde who was now wide awake in her bed.

"I didn't do anything!" Harley cried.

The cops pushed passed Selina and entered the room. "Miss Quinn, you are wanted for the theft of Lady Winston's diamond necklace."

"Whoah wait a minute, I was with Harley that whole time we were on that ship, she did not steal any necklace."

"We received a tip from an anonymous source who said Miss Quinn had the necklace."

"I didn't have any necklace and I don't even know Lady Winston!" Harley yelled.

"This necklace? You have never seen this necklace?" officer Camus handed over a photo of Harley holding the diamond necklace Russell gave her.

"That's mine! Russell gave it to me!"

"He did what?" Selina hissed.

"He gave me that necklace. Look this is all a mistake. I'll just go next door and he can explain it to you." Harley ran out into the hall and pounded on the door but there was no response.

"Madame, Mr. Beakman checked out this morning."

Harley's heart sunk. He'd stolen the necklace and tried to frame her. "He is a rat."

"Look, officers this is all some kind of mistake. That ass gave her that necklace and she'd be more than happy to give it back and we can all forget this ever happened."

"We will take the necklace and we are sure the judge would be willing to hear about Mr. Beakman's involvement."

"Give him the necklace Harl."

Harley sadly walked back into the room and dug through her bag for the necklace. It wasn't there. "Wrong bag." She searched her other bag but it too held no diamond necklace. "What the…" Her final bag was her overnight bag and there was the black velvet box. She sighed in relief but when she opened it, it was empty, except for a note which read "Sorry dear but you know, no honor amongst thieves."

"The necklace?" Officer Camus pressed.

"He stole it!"

"We know, now give it back," Selina told her.

"No he stole it from me somehow! It's not here!"

"You do not have the necklace?" the cop asked.

"No it's gone."

"Miss Quinn you will have to come with us"

"Ok, now you can call Red!"

* * *

><p>"It took me awhile but I found Russell Beakman at Hotel de Crillon and guess what, he has two rooms," she told Joker happy with herself.<p>

Joker didn't even respond. He hung up the phone and ran for elevators. He was not going to waste a single minute.

* * *

><p>"You know what I hate? Rude people. Thanks for hanging up on me jerk! Anyway, in other news, look at Joker smiling pretty for Japanese tourists! Is he on the Gotham stars map yet?"<p>

* * *

><p>Bruce stared blankly at the Tipster update until his phone began to ring. It was Selina. "Why is Joker posing with tourists at the airport?" he asked.<p>

"What? What the hell are you talking about?" Selina snapped.

"This Tipster update, Joker's at the airport taking a picture with Japanese girls."

"Airport? When?"

"I don't know the update just came through there's no time stamp on the photo. What is going on? Where are you?"

"Is Joker in Paris?"

"Texas?"

"France!"

"I don't know he's just in a line at the airport in the picture. Are you in Paris?"

"Yes I am and now I am most definitely in need of help."

"What happened?"

"It is a long story but the need to know version is, Joker cut off our funds and now Harley is in a French jail cell for stealing a diamond necklace given to her by the real jewel thief. She needs a good lawyer."

"So she didn't steal it?"

"No and he stole it back so now we have no necklace and no way of getting her out."

"I'm catching a flight. I'll be there soon."

"No don't do that. Just find me a good lawyer for her while I track down Russell Beakman."

"I'll see what I can do."

"Thank you. I need to call Joker."

* * *

><p>Selina had stepped outside for some fresh air. She needed to clear her head so she didn't explode. She knew she didn't like that rat. "Oh no he's a nice," she mimicked Harley. "Ditz." She made her way back inside and up to the room. Selina rounded the corner and found Joker knocking on her room door. Rage took hold of her and with all the fury of hell fueling her she ran down the hallway and tackled him.<p>

"Gah!" was all he could manage before the tall buxom brunette landed on him and forced him to the ground.

"You stupid, jealous, petty bastard!" she screeched as she straddled him and repeatedly bashed the back of his head into the floor.

"I can explain!"

Selina screamed and shoved him down harder.

"Blacking out!"

"I don't care!"

"I'm sorry!" he gasped in between hits.

"Not good enough."

"I…gah…need…Harley! Randall…Beekman…steal…gah!"

"You mean Russell Beakman?"

"Yes…reall…Randall…please…stop!"

Selina relented her pummeling but remained seated on his chest. "Talk."

"I see stars."

"You aren't going to see anything if you don't start talking."

"Russell Beakman is really Randall Beekman. He's a European thief. He uses women to run his jewels so he doesn't get busted himself."

"Good to know but it's too late. He already ran his game on Harley. And how did you know about Russell?"

"Oswald told me about his dual identity."

"No I mean how did you know Harley was with Russell?"

Joker was silent.

"You had the Tipster spying on us didn't you?"

"Maybe."

Selina's hands quickly found Joker's throat again but this time she decided to choke him.

"Can't breathe!"

"That's the point."

"You…need…help…Harley!"

Selina did need help getting Harley out of jail. Even with the assistance of Bruce's no doubt expert lawyer, they needed to catch Russell, or Randall, and get the necklace back and exact their revenge by throwing him in prison. She let go. "I hate you."

"I know."

"Do you have any idea where he is?"

"No but I know someone who can find him."

* * *

><p>"This is an APB for this man, Randall Beekman. Goes by the name Russell Beakman. Last seen in Paris France. If found please contact your favorite gossip-ess immediately! Time is of the essence here people."<p>

* * *

><p>"How exactly did you get the Tipster to help you?" Selina inquired when the new update hit her phone. She and Joker were waiting in the lobby of the attorney's office that Bruce had gotten her.<p>

"Blackmail."

"What could you possibly have on her that…oh my god! You know who it is!"

Joker smirked.

"Who is it?"

"I'm not telling. We had a deal."

"Bullshit! Tell me."

"I'm keeping true to my word."

"What?"

"There may be no honor among thieves but there is honor among our group."

"Except for the Tipster."

"To be fair all she is reporting is what we put out in public."

"Is it Alice?"

"No."

"Holly?"

"No."

"Is it you?"

"Yes it's me."

"I knew it."

"Are we done screwing around now?"

"Maybe. Who is it?"

"Selina," he warned.

"I can keep a secret."

"It's not about keeping secrets, it's about honor."

"I hate you."

"I'm aware."

"Miss Kyle?"

Joker and Selina looked up to see a rather good looking man in a rather expensive suit standing in the doorway. "Right here," Selina said jumping up with Joker close behind.

"Hi I'm Ken DeWitt. It's a pleasure to meet you," Ken told her shaking her hand. "Let's step into my office shall we?"

"Thank you for taking this on."

"Not a problem. I owe Bruce anyway. And you are?"

"Not important," Selina replied brushing Ken's hand away from Joker.

"Joker. I'm Harley's…"

"Nothing," she interrupted.

"Will you grow up?"

"Oh that is rich coming from you."

"Um," Ken tried.

"Rich? Really? You have been the one beating me to a pulp all day."

"Well I wouldn't be pissed off if you hadn't cut my funding off."

"That has nothing to do with Harley being in jail. She's in trouble because your tart nature rubbed off on her!" Joker argued.

"Tart? Tart?"

"Yes. Tart."

"You know what pal, screw you. You told her you loved her and then you took it back. You drove her into Eddie's arms and now this guy's. Your fault."

"Let's not bicker over whose fault it is shall we? Let's just work on helping her out," Ken told them settling the feud.

"Fine by me," Joker mumbled.

"I didn't start it," Selina added.

"Didn't start it?"

"Yeah! You did!"

"Bullshit!"

"Kids!" Ken yelled. "Just tell me about this necklace."

"The necklace belonged to a Lady Winston. It was stolen from her aboard the cruise. Now, Randall Beekman took it and gave it to Harley as a gift. She was completely unaware that it was stolen. Randall had been romancing her the whole time on the cruise as Russell Beakman," Selina explained. "We got to Paris and after realizing some asshat had drained our accounts, we asked Randall for help. He put us up in a room and this morning the police burst in and arrested Harley after we couldn't find the necklace."

"I am not an asshat."

"If asshat was in the dictionary and you looked it up, you would see your picture."

"Right, so do we know where this Randall is?"

"Not yet. We're working on it."

"Do you know how he got the necklace back?"

"He must have an accomplice."

"Well as it stands right now, the police have a witness and photographic evidence that your friend has the necklace. And with her American criminal record it doesn't look good."

"So what do we do?"  
>"I have requested more time so we can find the necklace. They gave me twenty four hours. If we can find Randall and the necklace she'll be let go."<p>

"Who is this witness they have?" Joker inquired.

"One of the crew. A…let me see here…Elliot Reid."

Selina's fury was back and twice as crazy. "That son of a bitch!"

Joker shrank down in his chair and tried to avoid her, he knew that look and tone of voice.

"He must be in with Randall. They're friends. He introduced Harley to him and Elliot was the one spying on us!"

"Catch them both with the necklace and they'll be going to prison Miss Kyle."

* * *

><p>Harley was locked in a cell located in the squad room, away from the normal prisoners. The French police were worried that if not kept under close watch, she would escape. All Gotham felons were known to be master escape artists. She was lonely, which also meant she was bored. "Can I get a crayon and some paper?" she begged.<p>

"No, you will use it to escape!" one of the officers replied.

She pouted. Harley liked the two that brought her in. They were nice and seemed to believe her story. A first in the history of her police entanglements. Except that one cop, Joe…Joey…Brad? Whatever his name was, he had been sweet too. Gently helped her into the car, chatted about life, even gave her a snickers bar as he processed her. It was a shame Joker put a bullet through his chest during their escape. Harley sighed.

"Miss Quinn, you have visitors," another officer informed her.

Selina and Joker walked into the squad room and Harley jumped for joy. "How are you holding up?" Selina asked.

"I'm happy to see you. It's boring here and they won't let me play with any of the other kids." She turned her attention to Joker and frowned. "What's this jerk doing here?"

"Currently he's helping me."

"Well he shouldn't because when I get out I'm going to kill him!" Harley screamed.

"Not something to say in a room full of cops sweetie. Anyway he brought me some valuable information about your little boyfriend."

"You're an ass, you know that?"

"Look I didn't think…" Joker began.

"From what I've seen, you never do."

"Fight later, listen to me now," Selina demanded. "Russell Beakman is really Randall Beekman, a jewel thief. He's working with Elliot. Now, in order to get you out we need to find them, any idea where they would go?"

"Why would you take my money?"

"I was being impulsive. I came up with a plan and I put it into action. Look, the worst I thought that would happen would be you'd have to come home. If you weren't nailing every Tom, Dick, and Harry on the boat, maybe you wouldn't be in this predicament."

"First of all, I don't know any Harry and Tom I haven't seen since High school. As for Dick, he's too young for me. Secondly, I wasn't nailing him you jealous fruit I was just spending time with him, and thirdly, if you wouldn't have taken it back I wouldn't have gone on this damn vacation!"

"It's always about the taking it back thing!"

"It is! You ruined everything!"

"You know, I could say that about you too! I was fine before you came into my life!"

"Oh please! You couldn't find matching socks with a map and both hands before me!"

"Who needs matching socks? Who am I trying to impress?"

"You were also a miserable bastard before me! I'm the best thing that ever has or ever will happen to you!"  
>"No! That would be the woman who died more years ago than I can remember!"<p>

It was eerily silent, like the calm before a hurricane or in the middle of one. Selina looked at Harley who was obviously hurt at that last shot. But when she looked at Joker, she was surprised to see hurt there too. "Ok, let's just all calm down for a minute," she said softly and calmly. "Everyone is just stressed out, on edge, and really upset about what's happening."

"I didn't mean that," Joker said in little more than a whisper.

"Russell said he was going to London next. You might want to check flights," Harley told Selina trying not to look at Joker.

"We'll look around the airport," Selina replied. "Come on Jack."

"Harley I didn't mean that."

She shrugged.

"I really didn't. I just wanted to hurt you. Like the money, I just wanted to make you angry and get you all riled up like I was when you were waving goodbye on that ship and then when I saw the pictures of you. I was so…I've been…I…you were with someone else and I was so alone."

"You hurt me first."

"Well I'm not doing this anymore. I'm calling Oswald and restoring your cards and accounts. I'll find Randall, get you out, and I'll be gone."

"Good."

* * *

><p>It was a quiet, awkward ride to the airport. Selina didn't know how to broach the subject of what just happened and Joker didn't seem to want to offer any statements. Small talk was beyond them, they knew each other too well for "isn't this a lovely city?". The cab driver seemed to feel the tension as well and added fuel to it by being silent as well.<p>

Selina didn't understand how two people, so in love with one another, so made for each other, could be so hurtful, so mean. Before she lived with Ivy and Harley, she thought like everyone else that Joker played games with Harley. He twisted her little mind but being on the other side of the fence now she could see it was a two way street. The little digs and barbs Harley made, the way she would rub his nose in his mistakes, leaving, ignoring him, baiting him. It wasn't right, Joker's retaliations, but he wasn't normal. Normal backlash would never come. It would always be exaggerated, twice as dangerous. Of all the men in all the world, she chose Eddie that last round of this boxing match. Was it convenience? A mutual secret attraction that finally got to blossom into something more? Or, as Selina suspected, a perfect shot back at Joker? Joker and Riddler were long compared in the Rogue world. For the longest time they were more enemy than friend. Joker complaining that some two bit hack was ripping off his shtick, Eddie insisting he was of higher caliber intellect than that retched clown, a riddle and a joke were nothing alike. And Russell, so obviously similar to Joker, and not just in the physical sense. Harley had to have known word would get back to Gotham of her little dalliance. Eve before the Tipster their secrets weren't safe.

Was she so different? Calling Bruce for help, dangling a false sense of hope in front of him? He wounded her, no doubt, with neglect, choosing the job over her. Something she expected but never really thought about the impact it would have on her. Clark Kent, she knew the name. She knew he wasn't a stranger to Bruce. Word would get around, she found someone new. She had moved on so quickly on purpose. At first she told herself it was because she didn't want to lick the wound but honestly it was more like revenge. Don't want to be with me? Fine. I'm ok with that. Meet my new boytoy. It hurt so much because she loved him. Because deep down there was no one in this world who could love her, all of her, the way Bruce did. He loved more than Selina, he loved Catwoman.

"Are you alright?" Joker asked finally breaking the long silence.

"Fine, Why?"

"You're crying."

Selina touched her cheek and found a tear. She never felt them coming. "Oh, just thinking."

"Want to share?"

She smiled softly and shook her head. "No. I don't want to burden you with my thoughts when you have your own."

Joker lit up a cigarette and rolled down the window. It was raining slightly and small drops of water were invading the cab, hitting Selina's hand. "Want me to roll this up?"

"No it's fine."

"I can recall a time where you and I couldn't share a cab if our lives depended on it."

Selina smiled. "Those were the days."

"Were they?"

"Maybe."

"Do you hate me?"

"No."

"Did you hate me then?"

"No, I think I just liked ruffling your feathers. Sparing with you. I was the first person in the group not afraid of the Joker. And maybe even the first person you were afraid of."

"I was never afraid of you."

"A little, admit it."

"Only around that time of the month."

"We're the top dogs, fighting for the highest seat in our strange court."

"Lifers."

"Hmm?"

"We're lifers. Eddie will get out, Oswald pretty much already did, Jervis is on his way, Johnny only comes around when he's bored, but you, me, Croc, Strange, Ivy, Harvey, Clayface, we're lifers. Croc and Clayface are deformed, they can't live any other life. Until Batman reveals himself, Strange will be a raving ranting lunatic and even if Batman did reveal his real face and it wasn't Bruce Wayne, which we know it's not, Strange would continue his mission to prove it was Brucie. Ivy can't go back to being human, her DNA won't allow that and Harvey was split in two before the acid hit his face. You enjoy the freedom of doing as you please too much to ever let it go. If Bruce didn't change your mind than nothing will."

"What about you?"

"Me? Well, I'm a lost cause. I'm so far down the rabbit hole I don't know which way is up anymore. I like that. I like being the king of delusion."

"You forgot about Victor and Harley."

"Victor, he's a tough one. Even if Nora got well he couldn't really let this world go. How does one go about living in a freezer suit?"

"Harley."

"She was never meant to be here."

"Now that she is…" Selina started for him.

"Now that she is, she's stuck. She could function, be normal, but I don't think she wants it. She doesn't necessarily want to be this forever but now it's just so easy. Just like coming back to me used to be so easy."

"We just had a profoundly deep moment."

"We did."

"Scary."

"Airport," the cab driver grunted alerting them they had reached their destination.

* * *

><p>She scanned her emails looking for something of value, her usual ritual. "Urgent huh?" she grunted doubtfully opening the message. There is was, a Russell picture with the line "Is this the guy?" printed under it. "He's at the airport getting on a plane to London." She quickly checked the time. It had just come through five minutes ago. She dialed her phone frantically.<p>

"You rang?" Joker asked doing his best Lurch impression.

"He's at the airport! The London gate!" she screeched.

"We just got to the airport."

"I got the tip five minutes ago. He should still be there."

Joker hung up. "They're here."

"Was that the Tipster?" Selina asked.

"No it was my mom. She says hi."

They pushed past the other travelers to get through the door and made a run toward the London gate.

"It was the Tipster!" Selina said through gasps of air. She was getting out of shape.

"Was not."  
>"I know that voice, I swear I do."<p>

"Just look for the London flight."

"Don't have to." Selina stopped running and started walking over to one of the sitting areas. Joker caught on a second later and followed her.

Elliot was sleeping in an uncomfortable plastic chair, Russell, Randall, whatever, was not around. He looked calm, at peace, relaxed. Selina kicked the bag out from under his feet and when he jerked awake, she forced his head into her knee. "Ow! Fuck!"

"I haven't even begun to hurt you yet," Selina warned.

Elliot's eyes went wide when he realized who was dishing out his rude awakening. "Sec…"

Joker clasped a hand over his mouth as he took a seat next to him. "I wouldn't do that if I were you."

"Where's your friend?" Selina asked.

Elliot shrugged.

"You better find out or else you're going down alone."

"For what?" he asked, muffled a little by Joker's gloved hand.

"Please, the innocent act never has and never will work on me assface."

"El you said you wanted a vanilla latte correct?" Randall asked strolling over to his friend. When he looked up he was completely shocked to see Selina standing there. So shocked in fact, that he dropped both coffees and made a run for it.

Selina noticed the small shoulder bag he was carrying and her guess was, the necklace was in there. "Watch him, I'm bringing the other one back." She gave chase. This time it was much easier to keep up her run, adrenaline was pumping so hard through her veins she wondered if she would turn green at any moment and Hulk out. Randall rounded a corner in front of her and she knew what to expect. He would be hiding, a trap laying in wait, whether it be a foot to trip her or an arm to snag her by the throat. She took the corner wide and grabbed his arm as he stuck it out. Selina used the full momentum of her turn to throw Randall into the wall and he immediately collapsed to the floor.

* * *

><p>The police arrived quickly, probably alerted to the shenanigans taking place at the airport before Selina even called about finding the thieves. When they walked into the security office, both crooks were cuffed to chairs and the diamond choker was displayed on the table to see. Selina and Joker were offered a ride back to the police station where Harley was immediately released. After the last of the paperwork was signed, and they arresting officers apologized another hundred times, Harley was free to go.<p>

"Ugh, what a trip," Harley moaned in the back of the cab.

"Ugh? You weren't the one doing the time trial for the Olympics track team," Selina snapped.

"Thank you for saving me."

"Anytime."

"When do I get my money?" Harley asked flicking the back of Joker's ear since he was riding up front with the driver and she couldn't tweak his nose.

"Oswald has it transferring now," Joker assured her.

When they arrived back at the hotel, Selina went off to grab them all some dinner from the McDonald's around the corner. Nothing sounded better to her than a Big Mac and no argument was going to change her mind. Joker walked Harley back up to the room.

"Looks like she was busy," Harley commented, noticing all the bags had been packed up. She opened up one of the larger ones and after a second of digging, pulled out brush which she raked through her hair immediately.

"Eager to get home."

"When are you leaving?"

"As soon as you want me gone."

Harley guided Joker over to the bed. "Sit," she commanded.

He did as he was told. He would do anything she asked, including leave. He was grateful that wasn't her wish. She straddled his lap, her hands winding their way into his hair. Joker pulled off his purple gloves and allowed his hands to make their way up her shirt. Harley relished in the feel of them. So much better than the imaginary ivory hands from her panic attack. She kissed him. Something she missed doing but never allowed herself to admit it. His lips quickly parted and Joker's tongue forced its way into Harley's mouth. He wanted to get his fill of her before she changed his mind. Harley pulled away too quickly, and a small whimper escaped his mouth.

"Awe don't worry, I'm not done," she assured him. Her little fingers immediately dove for the buttons on the front of his shirt and shrugged his suit jacket off, tossing it anywhere. He attacked her mouth again. Being this close was electric. Having her in his arms again was almost too much and for a second he wondered if it was real. She bit his lip and the sudden jolt of pain brought him out of his thoughts and that's when he noticed she had already done away with his pants.

"I've missed you," he managed between kisses.

"I know."

Joker sunk his teeth into her neck. Harley always like it rough.

"Oh god!" she gasped. "I missed you too."

"Really?"

"Of course." She pushed him down onto the bed. Hovering over his waste now, she bent down and let her tongue trail down his chest. Kissing and nipping at the little spots she knew drove him crazy.

"Baby that feels so good."

"Does it?"

"Yes. Just being around you feels good."

"And you missed me?"

"I've never missed anyone or anything more."

"Just this part or all of me?"

"Everything about you."

She smirked as she started licking, kissing, and biting her way back up slowly.

"I love you."

"You've said that before." Harley pulled his hands up over his head with one hand to get his arms out of her way.

"I do. I didn't mean it when I said I didn't."

"You sure this time?"

"Yes."

"You're not just going to change your mind when you've had me for awhile?"

"No."

"Prove it."

A familiar metallic click filled the room and suddenly Joker couldn't move his arms. He looked up to find a set of handcuffs strung through the bar of the head board and secured around his wrists. "Kinky," he joked with an eyebrow wiggle.

"You want me? Come get me."

"I'm a little tied up."

Harley pulled the key out of her shirt and sat it on the beside table. "Those are Gotham PD issued handcuffs. You can't simply break them," she explained getting up off him and standing next to the bed.

"Ok…"

"Like I said, you want me? Come and get me." She walked over to the door, grabbing all the luggage as she went.

"Where are you going?"

"That's part of the game Puddin'. It's a good thing you wore underwear today." She blew a kiss and was gone.


	10. London Calling

Author's Note: For future reference…I do not own the Rolling Stones. Yet. I do not own the Rolling Stones yet. *grabs large sack* Off to the airport!

* * *

><p>Selina casually flipped through the latest issue of French Vogue that she had picked up at the airport, stopping every once in awhile to enjoy the view out the plane window. Years of dealing with certified psychos had her trained well so when Harley came running out of the hotel carrying all the luggage yelling "Grab that cab!" she didn't blink, question, or hesitate. She hailed the cab as told, popped open the trunk, assisted Harley in putting the bags in, and climbed into the backseat after the blonde. Selina handed over the chicken nuggets and fries she'd bought for Harley and they ate in silence all the way to the airport where they got out of the cab, bought two tickets on a flight to London, and proceeded to the gate to wait.<p>

Not once did she even think of asking where they were going, what had happened to Joker, and what they were going to do once they got to wherever. She just went along with the flow trusting all mysteries would be solved in good time. Her good faith was rewarded once the plane was in the air and Harley had her Shirley Temple and peanuts.

"I left Mistah J handcuffed to the bed back at the hotel," Harley explained unprompted.

"He's going to be pissed when he gets free," Selina warned.

"I know."

"He's going to come looking for you."

"I'm aware."

"You want him to chase you, don't you?"

Harley smiled and innocently sipped her kiddy cocktail.

"So London then?"

"That rat was talking so much about it, my interest was peaked."

"London's not all that special."

"No where is really all that special, it's up to you to make it special."

"That was oddly profound for you."

"I think I read it on a postcard back at the airport."

"Yup, now it makes sense."

"Anyway, we're going to London and then from there who knows."

"Who knows? Do you ever plan on going back to Gotham?"

"When I'm satisfied."

"Satisfied with what?"

Harley just smiled.

"Oh boy, this is going to be a long trip."

* * *

><p>Large romantic gestures where something Oswald Cobblepot was not good at. He had the money to do anything but the imagination was usually lacking or the execution was poor. Case in point, having Scarlet move in with him. Having to kidnap her was not the plan nor very romantic. Thankfully it all worked out in the end, proving she was in fact his soul mate. His other half. His mate for life. In order to make this proposal everything Scarlet deserved, he would need help. A simple night on the town with a casual proposal would not do. No, he needed it to be grand, massive, enchanting, magical, a fairytale, romantic, spectacular. It would be unforgettable for years to come and expensive. He ground his teeth into the long cigarette holder perched in his mouth. Expensive. Hard to believe there was a time where his wallet was so tightly clamped shut he could barely spare a nickel without a dime return. Now he found it easy to dish out money, especially where Scarlet was concerned. He had made a promise to himself when he finally had her in his arms, she would want for nothing. The slightest glance in a jewelry store window and it would all be hers, a moment's pause on an ad in a magazine and the item in question would be in a gift box in her hands the next day. Keep her happy, keep her forever.<p>

Not that Scarlet ever asked for these things. She never asked for anything in fact except his time, his affection. Nights alone with him at home instead of on his arm at the Iceberg, for him to tell her he loved her a hundred times over dinner, or lavish her with kisses first thing in the morning. But Oswald was no stranger to women and in the end they all wanted something material, even if they wouldn't come out and ask for it. He would keep spoiling her in the way she had become accustomed and this marriage proposal would be no different. His cigarette finally burned out to his dismay. He had completely forgotten about it.

"Holly!" Oswald called through the closed door of his office. Holly was never too far from it. She was well trained to always be near the boss knowing that at any moment her presence would be required.

It took only a second for the dirty blonde waitress to make her way into his office, hands pulling her long curly hair up into a ponytail to keep it out of her way. She immediately noticed the lack of smoke in the room so she picked the silver cigarette case up off the desk, pulled one out, replaced the burned out one in his holder, and flicked the matching silver lighter to light it. A routine she was so used to it didn't even faze her anymore. "I hope that wasn't the reason you called me in here."

"No, but thank you all the same."

"Not a problem."

"I need your help."

"Funny how the conversation in here always starts like that."

"Well you are my right hand girl."

"And one day I might even have the pay to show it."

"Now see here missy, you make more than all those girls out there and certainly more than any wait…"

Holly held up a hand to silence him and smiled. "I'm teasing Mr. Cobblepot. I'm fully aware of how spoiled I am here."

"Too right you are."

"So, what am I helping you with this time?"

"Scarlet."

"Want me to off her? Throw her in to swim with the fishes?"

"I'm so happy that you have decided to pick up where the Joker left off with not funny jokes."

"I'm funny. I'm ha ha ha-larious."

"We will agree to disagree. Now, about Scarlet, I need help with my um...you know."

"No I don't and really need you to finish the sentence because my mind is…"

Oswald quacked in mild shock. "Good lord woman! Get your mind out of the gutter. I need you to help me plan my proposal."

"Ok, that I can do. What did you have in mind?"

"Something big."

"Ok…"

"That's it. I don't even know where to begin."

Holly nodded.

"I want it to be over the top romantic. Nothing will be too much."

"Why not just do a romantic dinner, maybe a carriage ride, and just pop the question?"

"That's too typical."

"Well you don't want to have a big event, Eddie did that with Harley…hmmm…oh! You could rent out the aquarium. Scarlet loves it there. Make it a private day for just the two of you and then one of the divers can hold up a sign that says will you marry me."

Oswald stared at her like she was smoking crack. "That is tacky."

"Excuse me."

"I need something classy."

"Ok, classy." Holly closed her eyes hoping she would think better. "What if we closed down the Iceberg for the night, decorated the hell out of it, had a string quartet or something, and you two could eat, drink, dance, and then at the end of the night a big fireworks display where you pop the question."

"Hmmm…"

"We can do the whole place up in candles so it's nice and dim, we'll do all her favorite foods, we'll get the fireworks to spell out the proposal, the band can play her favorite songs, do a little slideshow of your relationship, and I do believe it is your anniversary soon so if you do it on that night she'll be none the wiser."

"Not bad."

"I think it'd be really spectacular. And then after she says yes, we have the engagement party. So instead of closing for the whole night we just open after dinner."

"I'm liking the idea."

"Do I start making the plans?"

"Get to it."

* * *

><p>Frantic pounding on Edward's door was nothing unusual. Actually, before Alice, Jervis's tiny fists slamming against the wooden obstruction was more common than not. Eddie crossed the living room, eyes glued to the all too thrilling episode of Dr. Phil about strange health conditions ("A uterus can fall out? What the hell?" he had screeched) and opened the door. "Sorry I was engrossed in this," he turned now to face the visitor, screamed "Gah!" and jumped several feet in the air and away from the door.<p>

Jonathan Crane who had not expected such a greeting, screamed himself and dropped to the ground.

After a good solid three minutes of deep breathing, Eddie managed to regain some composure and said, "Sorry, I was sure you were Jervis and you scared me when you weren't."

"Quite alright, I get that reaction more often than not," Jonathan assured him pulling himself up off the floor and making his way into the apartment.

"I really am sorry."

"Please Edward, no harm."

"Well, have a seat. Can I offer you anything?"

"Water, please."

Eddie grabbed two water bottles out of the fridge and gave one to Jonathan. "So, what can I do for you?"

Jonathan sucked down half the water in the bottle and got down to business. "I fear I am in a bit of a pickle with Sage."

"It's always a dame."

"Indeed."

"She mad at you?"

"Not yet."

"Yet? Whoah boy."

"I do not know how this happened. I can't even remember the night in question."

"That is never a good start to things."

"Perhaps I should start with what I do remember which is this text." Jonathan handed his phone over.

Eddie's eyes nearly popped right out of his head. "Holy watermelons!"

"Yes."

He inspected the picture further. It was Jonathan with a more than busty blonde wearing nothing but some dental floss up her bum sitting in his lap, lips pressed tightly to his. "Safe to say she's a stripper of some kind."

"Yes but I have no interest in strippers. This cheap floozy is nothing compared to my Sage."

"Then why are you making out with her?"  
>"I wasn't! I mean, I don't remember doing it. I can't even remember going out."<p>

Eddie scrolled down to the message attached to the picture. "What the hell is this Johnny? I always thought you were better than this. Keeping this story until you can explain yourself. You got till midnight."

"I swear, Sage went out to dinner with an old friend from college, I had a couple drinks at home, and went to bed at 9pm sharp."

"You're lucky the Tipster is holding this."

"Only until midnight."

"Curious, exactly where do I fit into all this?"

"Well, you are the Riddler, this is a riddle needing to be solved, and I hear from Jervis you make a good best friend."

"Since when are we best friends?"

"Since I was a victim of the body snatchers! Damn it Edward help me!"

"Alright, I'll help you. Nothing going on today anyway."

"What do we do first?"

"See if we can't find Booberella."

* * *

><p>There was no need to knock, the beautiful perky blonde had checked out an hour prier to the room was to be empty. That was how it usually went for the maid but today was different. She walked into the large king room, humming, fully prepared to do her duty. She dipped into the bathroom to collect the soiled towels, came out, and was shocked to see a man on the bed. She screamed, dropping the stack to the floor needing her hands to cover her mouth.<p>

"Pardon me," Joker began with a smile. "Would you be so kind as to get me the hell out of these handcuffs?"

The maid tentatively approached the bed, eyes wide, hand still covering the horrified expression on her mouth. "Key?" she asked in a little more than a whisper.

"I think she took it."

"I will call maintenance." And with that, the poor young maid ran out of the room much to the dismay of the imprisoned clown.

"I'm going to kill the bobble headed twit."

Not too long after the maid fled, a burley man entered the room with a tool box in hand. Joker assumed this was maintenance or he had been sold in a Hostel-esque situation. The maintenance man walked over to the bed, smile on his face. "Bonjour."

"Hi," Joker growled.

"You got yourself into a little situation no?"

"Seems so Mr…."

"Gaspard," the large Frenchman introduced pulling up his loose fitting jeans.

"Joker."

"Monsieur Joker…eh! Gotham Joker?"

"Yup."

"Ah. Mademoiselle Quinn get a little frisky?" Gaspard belly laughed, apparently this was hilarious to him.

"She got a little pissy is what happened. Are you going to get these things off me or no?"

"Oui, monsieur, oui." He pulled out a small lock picking kit and began to go to work on the metal cuffs.

Joker gave an exasperated sigh. He was thankful he had gone with boxers before he got dressed. The usual commando could've proved awkward at this moment.

"Almost done."

"Woo fucking hoo."

"Awe monsieur Joker should smile. Is funny when you think about it."

When he heard this distinctive click of the cuffs unlocking, Joker acted fast. He threw Gaspard down onto the bed and snapped the metal bonds around his wrists. The Frenchman was clearly much larger than the thin clown but Joker had long ago learned, brute strength accounted for nothing, you needed strategy to win against your opponent. Something Harley had proven earlier when she outwitted him. Joker gave the man's pants a fast yank. "You're right, it is funny." And he left.

* * *

><p>"I forgot to turn my phone on when we landed," Harley said pulling her phone out of her purse while Selina unpacked her bags in the hotel suite. "I have 10 missed calls and 10 voicemail messages."<p>

Message 1: "Thought that was funny didn't you? Well guess what sweetheart it wasn't and when I get my hands on you I'll show you what's funny!"

Message 2: "Where the hell did you go? How am I supposed to throttle you if I can't find you?"

Message 3: "Damn it woman!"

Message 4: "Keep ignoring me. You're just making it worse for yourself."

Message 5: "Harley baby look, daddy's not mad anymore. Just call me ok?"

Message 6: "You bitch! Tell me where you are!"

Messages 7-10 were mostly wild grunting with the occasional obscenity thrown in for good measure.

Harley smiled as she deleted them all. "I guess someone sprung Joker."

"He is going to be on the warpath until he finds you."

"I'm not worried."

Selina rolled her eyes. "Better you than me, girl."

* * *

><p>"This delightful photo comes to us from Paris France! Answering the age old question boxers or briefs and it looks like Joker is a boxers man!"<p>

* * *

><p>"Things I can't unsee," Bruce shuddered quickly turning off his phone.<p>

"Not even going to look. Deleting it outright," Dick said quickly hitting the delete button.

"You're engaged now, shouldn't you be with your fiancée?"

"She's with her dad."

"Telling him?"

"No inviting him to dinner so we can tell him together, as a family."

Bruce stopped sorting through his mail at this point. "Family?"

"Yup."

"We?"

"Uh huh."

"Damn, I'm included in this aren't I?"

"You bet your sweet ass pops."

Gone are the days of the carefree bachelor. Bruce Wayne managed to avoid any kind of relationship commitment but still managed to have kids coming out the ass. "When?"

"Tonight."

"I have patrol."

"No you don't. I called Azrael. He'll patrol until dinner is over."

"Damn."

"You're coming, so is Tim and he wants to bring Stephanie. Alfred is going too."

"Can I bring a guest?"

"No. Selina is out of town and I refuse to have some bubble head whose IQ is lower than her cup size at my engagement dinner. Alfred is your date."

"That's not fair."

"Nope but its life son. Isn't that the speech you gave me every time you grounded my ass?"

"Sounds like something I would say. You know, with all the excitement with you and Barbara I almost forgot to tell you about my strange encounter the other night."

"Encounter with Strange or weird encounter."

"Weird. Jervis Tetch summoned me to the signal to tell me about the ring Oswald bought for Scarlet."

Dick laughed. "What?"

"Yeah something about he bought her the Krupp diamond."

"No way!"

"Yes way? I don't really know how to respond to that."

"That's a large expensive diamond."

"Indeed."

"Makes my ring look like a toy."

"I'm not giving you the kind of money to buy that ridiculous rock."

"Naw I don't need it. Barbara likes the one she has."

"Oh and this goes without saying but you can't tell anyone. I was sworn to secrecy."

"I won't tell anyone," Tim assured them stepping into the room.

"Spying on us?" Dick asked.

"No, I live here. I was just walking into the room."

"Both of you, don't tell anyone about the ring."

It took Dick and Tim only five minutes collectively to vacate the room and get on the phone to tell Barbara and Stephanie respectively about the juicy bit of gossip.

* * *

><p>Selina had insisted on a nap. The day's excitement was wearing her thin and she needed time to recuperate before Harley got them tangled up in some other nonsense. This left Harley awake and alone which Selina wasn't all too thrilled with but Harley assured her she'd stick close to the hotel and be on her best behavior. No talking to strangers, no taking things from strangers, and no wandering passed the five block radius around the hotel. There were plenty of shops to keep her occupied for a couple hours and a few cafes and restaurants in case she got hungry. Selina set the alarm on her phone for exactly two hours and she expected Harley to be there when her eyes fluttered open. Harley begrudgingly agreed commenting over and over that she was not a child and couldn't understand why she was being treated as such. But all the same, she popped a sucker into her mouth and bounded out the door, pink teddy bear backpack purse in hand.<p>

Harley wasn't on the street long before her stomach started to growl louder than the traffic around her. In all the excitement of the day she had neglected to eat a proper meal, except for the nuggets Selina had gotten her. She scoured the names of the local restaurants hoping to find something that caught her eye. As she wandered, eyes locked on the signs overhead, she failed to realize she had walked straight out of the five block constraint. Finally a black sign reading Red Boot Pub in bright red script captured her attention. She strolled into the little pub and took a seat at one of the empty tables. A short, plump, wild curly red headed woman sauntered over to the table, notebook in hand and gave her a weak smile. "What'll it be lass?" she asked in a thick Irish accent.

"Um…" Harley looked over the menu quickly, none of it really sounded al that great.

"American?" the waitress asked.

"That obvious huh?"

"Most Brits know what they be wantin' before they come in. I suggest the fish n' chips."

"Seems so touristy."

The waitress shrugged. "Ain't nothin' wrong with bein' a tourist."

"Alright then. Fish and chips it is."

"What'll ya be guzzlin'?"

"Huh?"

"Drinkin'. Sorry me dad always says guzzlin'. Force o' habit."

"Diet coke?" she asked with an innocent shrug.

"Aye. Get it right for ya."

"Eh! Mary!" a man called from the other end of the bar.

"Hold your horses! I'm busy!"

"Mary!"

"Sod off!"

Harley smiled, unsure if she should run for the closest McDonald's or stick around to see the fiery red head give the business to the rowdy group.

"Sorry bout them. Thinkin' they own the joint. Not a pint of manners in the whole country I tell ya. If I wasn't married to the oaf behind the bar I'd go back home."

Harley looked over at the man behind the bar. He was tall, messy black hair graying at the temples, with a bitch of five o'clock shadow hugging his jaw. He smiled at her warmly when he noticed her staring. Harley blushed and gave a wave. "He seems nice."

"Mary!" the man called again.

"For the love of…David! Will ya take care o' those hooligans!"

"Alright, don't shout," David, Mary's husband, called back.

"I'll go get ya drink deary." Mary gave her a pat on the shoulder and walked over to the bar to pour Harley's diet coke.

Harley liked Mary and David. They reminded her of Ivy and Harvey back home. She felt a twinge of homesickness at the thought of that. This was the longest she had been from Gotham and certainly the farthest.

Mary sat the glass down on the table in front of Harley who barely registered her sudden appearance. "Ya alright dear?"

"Yeah just thinking."

The middle aged Irish woman took the chair next to Harley. "Tell Mary what's on your mind."

"Full service bar huh?"

"Back home, a pub wasn't just a pub, it was your family. Everyone there be knowing your business."

"I'm a little homesick I guess."

"Where ya from?"

"Gotham."

"Omph. The big bad city."

"It's not so bad."

"I hear all kinds o' stories. Men dressed as bats, plant people."

"Every city has their freak show."

"Aye, I suppose so."

"I just miss my family."

"Ya mean ya be missin' your man."

"What?"

"Don't lie to Mary. I know the look. That twinkle in your eye sayin' ya be missin' someone special."

"He isn't really my man."

"He belong to someone else?"

"No."

"He lookin' to be with someone else?"

"No."

"He's yours."

"I don't know if I want him to be mine anymore."

"Ya do. I can see it. No matter how you look at it, you don't see a future without him. Right now you're bein' stubborn. Tryin' to fight the fates but ya can't keep it up forever. Eventually you'll give in and when ya do you'll be happier for it."

"What if he's a total ass who deserves to be alone?"

"Why's that?"

"He told me he loved me and took it back."

"Men be daft girl. They say all kinds of stupid stuff when they're all keen on a girl. If every girl listened to the dumb things spewin' out of their pie holes the human race would die out. Watch what a man does, don't listen to what he says."

Harley nodded.

"Mary, order," David told her.

Mary walked over to the bar and picked up the plate of fish and chips and sat it on Harley's table. "Now, eat up and think about what I tells ya."

Harley did as she was told but when she got to her fries and notice the lack of ketchup on the table, eating had to stop. She scoured the tables for a stray bottle, finding none she turned her attention to the bar. There, down by the rowdy group that had been bugging Mary earlier, was a lone bottle of red deliciousness. Nothing was going to stand in her way of retrieving said bottle. Especially some rowdy drunkards. She had handled worse in the Iceberg for example, one Hugo Strange drunk on cranberry and vodka while high on painkillers given to him by the dentist he just left after having a tooth pulled. Hugo was bad to begin with, he was worse when incoherent and drooling all down the front of you while he held onto your waist for dear life.

She got up and crossed the small dim room until she was standing next to the group. "Excuse me, are you using that?" she asked pointing to the ketchup bottle.

"What'll you give me for it?" the louder one of the group asked with what she assumed to be a flirty grin.

Harley narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms. This was not going to be easy. "A fatter lip if you don't hand it over."

There was a group "Oooo".

She studied the loud one, he looked familiar but she couldn't place it. Something about his large mouth. The one sitting next to him also seemed familiar but she couldn't see him all too well under the old fedora.

"You're a real pistol."

"You don't know the half of it."

"I'd like to."

She rolled her eyes.

The man in the fedora apparently had enough of the game. He grabbed the ketchup bottle and handed it to Harley. He looked up at her and said, "There you go Miss Quinn."

Harley froze, hand around the bottle. "Excuse me?"

He smiled at her. "Miss Quinn. You're name."

"How did you…"

"Can't forget the woman who nearly killed me with my own guitar. They're few and far between you know."

Harley's eyes went wide with sudden recognition. "Holy crap you're Keith Richards."

Keith nodded.

"And you're Mick Jagger."

"That's right," Mick replied.

The memory hit her like a squirrel jumping in front of an SUV. It had been years ago, five maybe but certainly not ten. It was simple enough, break into the chemical plant, steal whatever smelly goo the Joker needed for his upcoming Batman killing trap, and get out. But simple was an evil word. Nothing was ever simple. She never knew how Batman always ended up where they were but there he was all the same. Harley normally would've stood her ground, went head to head, toe to toe, with the caped crusader but Ace Chemicals was not the ideal sparring location. Instead she followed her paramour and fled, smelly goo in hand.

Batman was clearly not about to let them get away with their prize, he gave chase. The car made it across town before one stray glance backward gave Joker just enough time to crash into a light pole. "Come on Harley you need a workout anyway," he called jumping out of the trashed corvette. Harley wanted to kick his ass but thought better to argue later when they were home. Joker forced open a large metal door and pulled her through. After a few minutes of winding down twisted hallways they made it to what seemed like a backstage area full of people. That's when she realized they were in the Gotham arena and apparently Batman wasn't too worried about it because he was now pushing through the crowd of outraged and confused tour staff toward the pair. Once again Joker yanked her in another direction with no real explanation for where they were going. They brushed past the curtains and out onto the stage. The audience didn't seem to really notice until Batman dropped down next to the intruders. There were some cheers, a few screams, and a lot of unsure applause.

"What are you doing?" Mick Jagger asked completely outraged. "This is our show."

One Batman was not a big deal for the couple, but when Nightwing made a guest appearance, Harley knew they were in for some trouble. She grabbed the nearest object, a guitar, and gave it a wild swing at the younger vigilante. She missed spectacularly, spun around from the sheer force, and managed to whack Keith Richards in the back. What happened next was a blur. She remembered stars, darkness, and waking up in an Arkham hospital bed later on the next day.

Harley shook the memory from her mind and pulled the ketchup bottle toward her. "Sorry about that. Nothing personal."

"I suppose it happens, in Gotham anyway," Keith said.

"More often than you think. If you ever run into Brian Setzer you should ask about the time he was in Gotham and Killer Croc thought it would be a fun group activity."

"I'll remember that."

"Poor saxophone player. He never saw that chunk of brick wall coming."

"What brings you across the pond?" Mick asked.

"Vacation."

"You're boyfriend around then?"

"Nope. Me and my friend Selina."

"Got any big plans while you're here?"

"Not really."

"You should come to our show tonight. Charity concert for some kind of disease or country or something. Who can keep them all straight anymore?"

"A sober person," Harley thought to herself.

"Here, two tickets for you and your mate."

"Thanks."

"Just don't pick up any instruments," Keith joked.

* * *

><p>"Where the hell have you been?" Selina cried when Harley finally got back to the hotel room.<p>

"I was out. You said I could."

"I said be back in two hours. You were gone for three and a half."

"Sorry I was over at this pub and I guess it was further than I thought."

"Further than five blocks?"

"Kind of."

"How much?"

"More like 15."

Selina sighed.

"Anyway, I had lunch and guess what, I got tickets to the Rolling Stones tonight!"

"You took something from a stranger?"

"Nope! From Mick Jagger himself."

"You know Mick Jagger?" Selina asked in disbelief.

"Well, not before today…"

"So a stranger."

"How can a famous person be a stranger?"

"How in the hell did you run into Mick Jagger?"

"And Keith Richards who I know a little more than Mick because I thumped him with a guitar a few years back."

Selina was getting a headache from trying to follow this conversation.

"Anyway, the show starts in two hours so I'm going to shower real quick."

"Ok."

Harley bounded into the bathroom leaving Selina alone on the bed. Only with Harley Quinn would you end up in London England, spur of the moment, getting ready to go to a Rolling Stones show with tickets given to you by the band. Only Harley Quinn could assault Keith Richards with a guitar and end up being friendly with him years later. Only Harley Quinn could do these magical things. Selina didn't know what it was about the girl but she had some sort of charm that just opened the world up to her. Instead of fighting it, she would throw on her jeans and a black sleeveless shirt that said "Rock & Roll" across the chest, brush through her hair, and throw on some makeup. She might as well enjoy the spillover from her friend's good luck.

* * *

><p>"Who knew Harley Quinn was a groupie? Here she is with Keith and Mick. Cheerio!"<p>

* * *

><p>Joker slammed his wallet down onto the ticket counter at the airport. "London. One way."<p>

"The next flight leaves in twenty minutes. I have one coach seat available," the nervous ticket seller told him.

"That's fine. Just give me the damned ticket."

The woman quickly entered in all the necessary information into the computer and handed over his boarding pass. "Enjoy your flight sir."

Joker snatched the paper away from her and began his long haul to the terminal. The gate you needed was never located conveniently near the entrance, especially when you had a few precious minutes to get there. He pulled out his phone and punched in Harley's number. It went to voicemail of course. "I'll be seeing you precious and London Bridge won't be the only thing going down."


	11. Shattered

Author's Note: Nothing to do with anything but ladies, it does not matter how rockin your outfit is or how freaking "cute" your hair looks in the messy bun on top of your head when it starts to pour down rain. Instead of spending $100 on a Coach coin purse that barely holds a dollar, drop $10 on an umbrella so I don't have to hear you crying as you run from your car into the mall. Thanks.

* * *

><p>Holly sat down at one of the empty tables in the corner of the main dinning room at the Iceberg. She was able to see all the preparation going on around her, guaranteeing that everything would be perfect, as usual, for dinner that evening and still focus on the list she was compiling for Oswald's engagement. Across from her, the kitchen staff sat at another table discussing the menu for the evening. Many people didn't realize it but, there were only a couple items that always remained on the menu but everything else rotated on a daily and monthly schedule. It kept everything fresh for the customers. The head chef, Michael seemed to be in an uproar over something. Holly usually didn't pay much attention to kitchen, they were their own separate world, unless customers were complaining. Then she had to go in and lay down the law.<p>

"I do not care if it's a weekend dish, we will not have the scallops on the menu tonight!" Michael shouted slamming his fists down onto the table. "It is my kitchen, mine!"

One young chef, Barney maybe, moved to protest but was silenced before he even began with one raised hand.

"Final word. We'll have the calamari for the main appetizer tonight instead."

"We don't have squid," one of the others chimed in.

"Holly!" Michael called.

The waitress rolled her eyes and left her notebook and pen to join the chefs' table. "Yes?"

"I need squid."

"And?"

"And you are the one with the pull around here. Can you ask Mr. Cobblepot for the money and I will have Collins run down to the market before it closes?"

"You have a mouth. Why don't you ask?"

Michael stared at her, completely annoyed that, unlike his staff, she did not jump at his every request.

"Mr. Cobblepot is not going to be happy spending money on squid and wasting the scallops we have," she explained.

"I cannot serve the scallops tonight."

"Is this one of those OCD things? You saw a crow on a park bench and now if you serve scallops the world will end?" she joked.

"Do you know who is on the reservation list tonight?"

Now it was Holly's turn to glare. She oversaw all reservations. She was the one who decided who sat where, who would be seen, and who would be hidden. And everyone knew, Holly was the queen of the dinning room. "You know damn well I have that list memorized backward and forward as well as the seating chart."

"Well then you know HE is coming."

"Who? The mayor?" As far as Holly knew, that was the biggest name on her list.

Michael scoffed. "The mayor. Please."

"As far as I know…"

"Chef Ramsay."

"Who?"

"Chef Gordon Ramsay! Famous British chef, has many TV shows."

"The angry guy who yells a lot?"

"Yes."

"And…"

"And scallops are something he is quite known for. If I serve them tonight it will be an insult. If they are bad he will criticize them, publically. And if they are great he might become angry that I showed him up."

"I've got too much going on right now. I can't deal with scallop drama. You want the squid, you talk to the Penguin." She walked back to her table, tuning out the pleading and arguing behind her.

"What has the dough boy all fired up?" Scarlet asked as she crossed the dinning room to join Holly at her table.

Holly quickly hid her notebook so Scarlet wouldn't see the short list on the page. "Apparently Gordon Ramsay, the famous chef, is coming tonight and he doesn't want to serve him scallops."

"Gordon? Really?"

"You know him?"

"He's my favorite chef! When I was in LA I got to eat at one of his restaurants. Absolutely amazing! And I watch all his shows."

A light bulb suddenly sparked on in Holly's brain. Who better to make Scarlet's favorite foods than Scarlet's favorite chef?

* * *

><p>Going from strip club to strip club in Gotham City asking for a large breasted blonde was not yielding any results. Apparently every club had one but none of them were the girl from the picture nor did any club remember Jonathan being there. Eddie was ready to give up…after the first two stops. Jonathan swore he would search the rest of his life. They pulled into the parking lot of strip club number 873 (or so it seemed) and got out of the car, yet again.<p>

"This has to be the one," Jonathan said, full of sincerity.

"Do you remember this place?" Eddie asked.

"No but I'm positive there can't be any more of these atrocities in this city."

"It's Gotham. We have strip clubs and an asylum."

"No, this has to be it."

The strange duo walked into Platinum Showgirls looking like a couple of 16 year old virgins. Heads down, eyes scanning the floor, mumbling nothing in particular to anyone. You'd think after so many clubs they'd be used to the fully exposed women around them, but this was not the case. The rogues were nothing else if not gentlemen.

The bouncer found their behavior strange so he approached them and asked, "Help you boys?"

"Y-y-yyess!" Jonathan stammered holding up his phone. "I'm looking for this girl. Does she work here?"

"Nope."

"Thank you!" Eddie replied grabbing his friend's arm. "Let's go."

"Aye! Wait a minute. Let me see that picture again," the bouncer demanded taking the phone away. "Yeah I know her. That's Stella Superstar down at that new place…um…uh…what's it called? Oh yeah! Miss Kitty's."

"Are you sure?" Jonathan asked.

"Yeah I worked with her down at Pink Cheeks. Real winner that one. She steal you're wallet?"

"Um, no. I just need to talk to her."

"Don't worry, you're not the only one. Gave it to the bartender here a few months ago."

"Gave what?"

"The clap."

"Oh dear god."

"We need to leave now," Eddie interrupted. "Let's go."

"Edward! Edward did you hear that man? The clap! What if I have the clap? Edward! Edward what do I do? Edward are you listening to me? Edward! Edward I don't know what the clap is but it sounds like something I don't want! Edward!" Jonathan rambled as he was pulled out the door.

The bouncer shook his head. "The people in these places."

* * *

><p>Dinner was to be at Dingo's, a little steakhouse that Gordon loved. It was not the restaurant of his daughter's choice but Jim Gordon was not a fancy man. He liked his steak…with A1 and a baked potato. After arguing for nearly 20 minutes, Barbara gave in and agreed to move the dinner to Dingo's. Dinner was to be at 7:00 and this gave Bruce plenty of time to finish up the reports from the previous night's patrol and make a schedule up for Azrael's patrol that night. He was not about to let him go all willy nilly around the city. Protocol, schedule, routine. That was the Batman way.<p>

"The Batman way," Bruce sighed. The Batman way worked for a lot of things in life, but certainly not all things. Protocol, schedule, routine. That was what pushed Selina away finally. Protocol, the city then Selina. Schedule, patrol, notes, unfinished business, Selina (if time). Routine, East wide, north side, west side, south side, back to east, final swoop over the docks, back to the cave, bed…forgot to call her. She'll call me. He grunted again. Batman had to be the most important thing. He was protecting a city, the world even. Batman was always first and foremost…except Alfred. Alfred was family, and although he would never ask for his master's attention, if he needed it he knew he had it, undivided. Then there were the boys. His world would stop for those kids. Although Dick was no longer a child and even though Bruce tried to weasel out of it, he would drop the whole world for family dinner. He remembered the first time he skipped a patrol for Dick. He'd fallen off the counter doing some stupid stunt and hit his head on said counter. Alfred had called for him but Bruce had seen it out of the corner of his eye. Panic, that was the first and strongest thing he felt as he knelt to the floor and tried to asses the damage. Dick was unconscious, breathing but unconscious. After panic was guilt. Why didn't I stop him? How could I let this happen? Guilt gave way to all consuming fear as Alfred grabbed the keys and demanded they go to the hospital at this second. Years of injuries both severe and minor told Bruce this was a concussion. That Dick would be fine. But logic was not registering. He was all emotion, all adrenaline as he carried the limp boy out to the car. On the way to the hospital Dick woke up, and vomited all over Bruce and the back of the car. He didn't care. He just cradled him like a baby and tried not to let the fear take control of his face.

The doctors confirmed what he already knew, concussion, mild to moderate. They'd like to keep him overnight for observation since the Wayne estate was so far from the city. Dick apologized for puking all over the car. Bruce waved it off. "Cars can be cleaned. People can't be replaced," he told him. Alfred assured him he could stay the night, that Bruce could go about his business, but he wouldn't move. Wouldn't leave the room.

Bruce realized a lot of things that night. One, before then he had been kind of a terrible guardian, spending very little time around the boy being so busy with Batman. This was evident when Dick woke up in the car and was generally shocked upon seeing him there, holding him no less. Two, the world was dangerous, especially the house, bubble packing needed to be wrapped around everything. And three, he was still human and needed to act more like a human. Months later when Dick discovered his guardian wasn't just a billionaire buffoon and asked to join him in his crusade, Bruce panicked. What had happened in the kitchen was still fresh in his mind. Out on the streets, so much worse could happen to him. He had to push the fear aside and accept the fact that this boy wasn't exactly a kid, and he owed him more than just a place to stay. Their first night out together Dick took a roundhouse to the head. Bruce stopped mid punch to see if his ward got up or not. He did, with a kick of his own to the thugs chest. When they got home, Alfred removed the bubble wrap from the counters.

Bruce loved Dick and Tim. He loved Selina just as much. So why was it easier to rewrite protocol for the boys and not her? What was stopping him? Was it that somehow, if he allowed her to interrupt routine like the kids she was more real? More certain? More definite? Less the girl and more the girlfriend? He looked at his phone. She was somewhere in Europe. France last time he checked although Harley was now in London so perhaps she was there with her. She wouldn't know about Dick and Barbara. Dick wouldn't think of calling her to tell her his news. He wasn't good at things like that and he doubted Barbara would since they were never the best of friends. He hit speed dial 2 and waited for Selina to pick up.

"Hey," she said lazily. Everything about her was so casual and that's what he loved. It didn't matter what the situation was, she was always at ease.

"Hi."

"I never did thank you for the lawyer."

"Nope, not really."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"I don't think you called for gratitude so, what can I do for you?"

"Dick and Barbara are engaged."

"Really? I didn't even know they were back together."

"They weren't. They kind of duked it out and in the end, they were engaged."

"The Wayne family way," she joked.

"Yeah." They didn't say anything, but it wasn't silent either. He could hear Harley singing something in the background. After she finished another verse Bruce decided the awkward lull in the conversation was enough. "What is she butchering?"

"I can't get no satisfaction."

"I see."

"Practicing for the Stones concert."

"I saw that picture."

"Yeah apparently once you bean a rock star with his own instrument you're friends for life."

"So you are in London then?"

"Yup."

"Where to next?"

"Don't know yet."

"Are you ever coming…home?"

To most people it would be just a simple question, was she ever coming back to Gotham and if anyone else had asked, she would take it at face value. This wasn't anyone else, this was Bruce. Batman. More often than not, what he said wasn't exactly what was meant. Coming home didn't mean Gotham, she knew that. Coming home meant home, to him. He would never ask her back directly, he wouldn't want the rejection. Everything had been so good when they were together, sad and mournful when they broke up, and confusing and torturous after Vegas. That had changed everything. It was all up in the air now. No one wanted to come right out and talk about the elephant in the room. Instead they would pretend it wasn't there, eating the food off their plates and making elephant noises in their ears. "I'll be back in Gotham soon," she told him and immediately wished she would've come out and said what had been on her mind since she saw him bolt from her at the coffee shop.

"Selina…"

"Yeah…"

"I…I…I miss…" he never got to finish.

She cut him off with "I have to go. Congratulate Dick for me." And hung up. For all her bluster, she still wasn't ready to talk about the elephant. Instead she just patted it on the trunk.

Bruce sat the phone down on his work station, feeling a little dejected. Perhaps she was right to blow him off the phone. Thousands of miles, 3472 miles to be exact, apart was not the way to discuss how they felt or what they were thinking. What was he thinking anyway? He didn't know. Did he want her back? Yes. Had anything changed? No. Would it? Maybe. He couldn't be certain. He'd like to try but if history taught him anything, it was that when it came to Selina, he would never change. But then again, history was never one of his favorite subjects.

* * *

><p>"Excuse me," Eddie began tentatively as he and Jonathan approached the bar at Miss Kitty's. Jonathan was banned from talking. After learning what the clap was, that was all he could talk about. And yelling about the clap in a strip club just seemed inappropriate to Edward.<p>

"Beer?" the bartender asked.

"Um, no thank you. We're actually looking for someone. A Stella Superstar."

"Never heard of her."

"We have it on good authority that she works here."

"Who told you that?"

"The bouncer at Platinum."

"Sorry, he lied."

"Perhaps she is using a new name. Here, take a look at this picture." Eddie passed the phone over to the tattooed, gruff looking bartender.

"Ah, Amber Rainn."

"Amber Rainn?"

"Yeah, her stage name. She's in the back. Getting ready for her shift."

"Is there any way we can speak with her?"

"What'd she steal?"

"Nothing, we just need to talk to her."

"She knows about the clap."

"And yet you let her pass it around?" Jonathan cried, outraged.

"Hey, man, use a glove or don't whine about it."

"It's not about the state of her genitals either but it is a matter of grave importance."

"Head over to VIP room number two. I'll send her over there."

"Thank you. Let's go." Eddie pulled Jonathan over to the aforementioned room and they waited. Luckily it didn't take long for the leggy, busty blonde to make her way over to them.

"What can I do for you boys?" Amber, formerly Stella, asked in the most flirtatious tone she could.

"Hello my name is Edward, Eddie, and this is my friend Jonathan."

"Hi."

"Do you remember my friend at all?"

"Look! I didn't take nothing!"

"Anything," Eddie corrected. "You didn't take anything."

"Whatever."

"It's not about that."

"Look, if your buddy didn't wanna wear a condom that's his problem. He didn't ask so I didn't have to tell. That's the law."

"Don't ask, don't tell is a military rule…one that has to do with sexual orientation and has actually been repealed. Good lord girl."

"What do you want?" the dancer was becoming impatient. Time was money and her song was up any minute now.

"You see, we have this picture of you and Jonathan here but for the life of him he can't remember this night and you see, please don't be offended, he has no reason to be in this kind of establishment. He has a wonderful woman at home."

Amber looked at the photo. "I kinda remember you. You sure your name is Jonathan?"

"Last time I checked," Jonathan replied, more confused than ever as to why he spent the night with a stripper, a dumb one at that.

"I don't think it is."

"I've known this man for more years than I am willing to say, his name always has been Jonathan. Sometimes Johnny, very often Scarecrow," Eddie assured her.

"No, see, I swear it's not."

Throttling a stripper to death was a crime best left to politicians in Washington D.C. but Eddie was ready to try his hand at it. "Look, Amber…"

"People think I'm stupid right? But I'm not. I'm really good edj-a-cated."

Eddie gathered she meant educated but thought it best not to interrupt her, lest she lose her thought and start over.

"And beins that I am smart, I can tell ya, his name wasn't Jonathan that night."

"What does my name matter? Do you know why I was here?"

"Grabbing a hot piece of ass? It's usually why guys come here. I think it was Mark."

"I have Sage!"

"Why would he call himself Mark?" Eddie wondered aloud.

"I don't know. I'm not a detective," Amber snapped.

"Mark just seems random."

"Really? You too? How can Jervis say you are a good best friend?"

"Wait…it wasn't Mark."

"Not Mark?"

"No, it was M something, super simple otherwise I wouldn't remember it. Mike…Mikey…Mickey…wait that's a mouse."

"Good lord," Jonathan sighed.

"Michelle…"

"That's a girl's name."

"Oh, right. M something…hmmm...Mi…Me...Ma…Matt! Matt! It was Matt!"

"Matt?" Eddie repeated.

"Yup."

"Goodie. Now we know my fake name."

"Matt..." Eddie hummed. "Why Matt?"

"Why any of this nonsense?"

Eddie looked at the picture again and for the first time he noticed something odd…well, besides the stripper. Jonathan's finger nails in the picture were dark yellow, almost a brown. The Jonathan sitting next to him was clean, and always was. Almost obsessively so. He could actually recall a time where Clayface had dripped on Jonathan's pants and the man had washed them in the bathroom at the Iceberg, scrubbing until he nearly wore a hole in them. "Matt!" Eddie cried jumping up.

"Yes Matt! Fucking Matt!" Jonathan was passed irritated, he was full blown irate.

"No, Matt."

"You lost your mind?"

"Can I go now?" Amber asked.

"Yes my dear you, may and you were most helpful," Eddie assured her.

She held out her hand and Eddie flipped her a twenty.

"She most certainly was not," Jonathan protested after the girl vacated the room.

"Don't you get it? You can't remember this because it wasn't you, it was Matt!"

"I don't think I have split personality disorder but good try Edward."

"No, it wasn't you at all. It was Matt."

"Oh god, you caught stupid from the stripper."

"For god sakes, do you know so little of our circle? Matt Hagen."

"Now I have a last name for my alias?"

"It's not your alias, it's another person. Matt Hagen, Clayface."

Jonathan's eyes went wide with realization as to what his companion was saying. "Clayface! I had forgotten about him."

"So had I otherwise I assure you, I could've figured this out without the help of Trailer Trash Barbie."

"Why on Earth would he impersonate me?"

"Why don't we go ask the lump of dirt himself?"

* * *

><p>Holly loved her job, as sick as that was. She enjoyed the more extreme personalities she got to deal with, she loved that she didn't have to put up with any nonsense lest her foot wind up in someone's ass, and mostly it was what brought her to Eddie, the man she was 100% positive she would spend the rest of her life with. Even before she was his right hand man, Oswald had always treated her with the respect she deserved, her coworkers kept their drama at home, and working at the Iceberg was kind of like being famous, like the Playboy bunnies of the 60's. And like the Playboy bunnies of the 60's, her work attire was a little outrageous. The only complaint Holly had about work was the constant wedgie she had. Once again she casually plucked the black leotard out from between her butt cheeks. It did no good, the fishnets underneath were permanently implanted there.<p>

"Can't you get him to let us wear jeans?" one of the waitresses joked as she joined Holly in the corner to deal with her own uniform related grievance.

"Trust me, if I had that much pull it would've happened by now. Maybe you should try Scarlet," Holly replied.

"Maybe I will."

Holly made her way over to the service counter and picked up her tray. Waiting the floor was not her favorite task but with the mayor and now chef Ramsay, she was needed for VIP service. Meanwhile, Scarlet was planted behind the bar with her own problem, a bachelor party. At least it would keep her busy while Holly chatted up Gordon. She made her way over to the mayor's table to deliver their entrees.

"Miss Holly," the mayor said with a smile.

"Mayor Hill." Holly began setting the plates down onto the table. She noticed the mayor's glass was empty again. His third vodka and tonic. He was about to get unbearable. Lightweight. His companions, two goons in expensive suits and one young looking brunette, not Mrs. Hill, were close behind.

"Miss Holly, you look lovely."

Here we go. She rolled her eyes and forced a smile. "Thank you Mayor Hill."

"Call me Hamilton."

She just smiled harder and sat down the last plate. "Enjoy your meals."

"Can I get another vodka and tonic and also, is Mr. Cobblepot around?"

"He's attending to business in his office I'm afraid."

"Tell him Mayor Hill needs to see him."

"His business is rather important tonight."

"What is more important than me?"

"Business that could snap him like a twig. Mr. Bane is in his office."

"Oh…"

"When he leaves I'll let Mr. Cobblepot know you would like to speak to him."

"Thank you my dear."

Holly turned to leave but momentarily paused when she felt a hard slap across her backside. She suppressed the urge to whack the mayor upside the head with her tray and stomped over to the bar.

"I hate bachelors!" Scarlet hissed.

"Mayor Hill just slapped my ass," Holly shot back.

"I have ice cubes in my boobs from a rousing game of bet you a shot you cant hit her tits."

"You win."

"Another vodka and tonic?"

"God no. Just throw some sprite and tonic together with a sip of vodka for flavor. He's so gone he won't notice."

"Three drinks, good lord."

"Tell me about it."

"Did you know that Gordon Ramsay just walked in?"

Holly looked over at the table reserved for the Ramsay party and there he was with another man, tall, dark hair, good suit. "Better get back to it then." Holly grabbed the fake vodka and tonic off the bar and quickly dropped it at the Mayor's table.

"Hello. I'm Holly and I will be at your service tonight. What can I get you boys to drink?" she asked as chipper as she could.

"Scotch, neat. 2," the dark haired man ordered.

"Be right back." Holly quickly made her way to the bar and didn't even bother with asking Scarlet for the drinks. The poor red head was ready to break at any moment with this bachelor party.

"Did you say your name was Holly?" Gordon asked when she got back and handed them their drinks.

"Sure did."

"You're quite famous. Every time I mentioned eating here tonight your name came up."

"I can assure you I live up to the hype."

"I won't trifle with you then," he joked.

"I sure as hell wouldn't."

"You have spirit, I like that."

"They all say that until they're on the wrong end of it. You boys decided on what you're getting?"

They ordered the scallops for the appetizer which sent Michael into some sort of nervous breakdown where he destroyed half of the kitchen Little Mermaid chef style, she was actually disappointed he didn't go into a rousing rendition of Les Poissons, and the filets for the main course. After she had the orders put in and then rest of her tables managed, Holly knocked on Oswald's door.

"Busy," he huffed.

"It's Holly."

"Come in my dear."

Holly smiled before she let herself into the office. Even Scarlet wasn't allowed in the office when deals were being brokered. The sight of Bane lounging in the chair opposite Oswald made her falter a little. Holly had never been afraid of any of the rogues but Bane always put her a little on edge. It was the look, the way he eyed her, like she was a piece of meat. Not sexually but more feral, carnal. She quickly turned her attention to Oswald and tried to ignore the feeling of Bane's eyes drilling into the back of her skull.

"Everything alright my dear?" Oswald inquired.

"Peachy keen jellybean. Mayor wants a word when you're done."

"Is he drunk?"

"Yes," she replied hopping up onto the desk next to Oswald's hand. She noticed his cigarette was out and gave him a light.

"I'll deal with him tomorrow then."

"I'll let him know. Also, I would like permission to make an offer to Chef Ramsay out there."

"What kind of offer?" Oswald questioned eyeing her suspiciously.

"Monetary, for his services for your um…anniversary *wink* dinner."

"Fine."

"What's my limit?"

"Don't pay anything more than I did for the damned ring."

"If it gets to be that price, Gordy better be made out of gold."

"Take what you think it will require out of my safe."

Holly hopped off the desk and quickly entered the code on the small safe under the desk. Oswald had at least ten safes in the office, this was the petty cash fund. She grabbed a couple fistfuls and made her way back into the dining room. Orders were waiting for her. She scooped up a couple plates, quickly delivered them to their diners swung back for the Ramsay table scallops and made her way over to the chef. "Two scallops."

"Thank you."

"Mr. Cobblepot is attending to business tonight but I assure you, he appreciates you being here."

"How can one visit Gotham and not have a meal at the notorious Iceberg Lounge?"

"I can do you one better."

"Oh?"

"How would you like to work here for a night?"

"My dear girl, I don't work in restaurants, I own them now."

"We can make it worth your while. It's for Mr. Cobblepot's engagement dinner. You're his intended's favorite chef. She's the red head behind the bar. The one who just pulled the beanie hat over that young man's face." Apparently, Scarlet had reached her breaking point. Didn't those boys know? You never mess with a red head. Especially one born and bread in Gotham City from hot off the boat Irish parents.

"I would require a lot of money."

Holly pulled a wad of cash out of the right side of her bra and fanned out all the hundreds so he could see just how much she was holding.

"That is very tempting my dear but I…"

She repeated the move this time from the left side of her bra and smiled. "All cash up front Chef Ramsay and I can guarantee that if Mr. Cobblepot is pleased with your service and future endeavors in Gotham City will go quite smoothly for you."

"Is that blackmail young lady?"

"No. Just simply stating a fact. You can't open a hotdog stand in this city without Mr. Cobblepot's blessing and I don't think you're in Gotham just for the nightlife."

Gordon chuckled. "I'm merely here for press fro my new show and…"

"I recognized Mr. Palmer when you walked in. He's the number one commercial realtor in Gotham," she said indicating the other man at the table.

Gordon eyed the money in the waitress's hands. "Just prepare the meal for the evening?"

"You would have full access to our kitchen and staff of course."

"And Mr. Cobblepot would assist me in opening my new restaurant?"

"Those inspectors and licenses can be rather tricky Chef Ramsay. Mayor Hill is sitting right over there and is a frequent guest in Mr. Cobblepot's office. One simple word and all the I's are dotted and t's crossed."

"Well, I would be a fool to say no."

"Not a fool, just dead in the water," she joked.

"Figuratively of course," he said with a laugh.

"Maybe." Holly laid the money down on the table. I'll have all the details for you when I come back with your entrees."

* * *

><p>The rogue community was separated into two groups, smart rogues and tough rogues. Smart rogues, of course, could hold their own in a fight and tough rogues weren't necessarily stupid but each group played to their strengths whether it was strength or brains. They often sought out the opposite when it came to partnerships. Joker was more intellectual than brute and preferred to keep his gloved hands clean unless it was completely necessary, Harley on the other hand had no qualms about displaying her expert gymnastic abilities and how she had combined them with a few forms of martial arts. Two Face was a brute, no doubt about it and perhaps that's why he enjoyed the company of Ivy as much as his more engaging side.<p>

And that was where Jonathan and Eddie were now, two intellectuals seeking the help of Two Face or Harvey. It didn't matter which, just him standing behind them should be menacing enough.

"Why in the hell would Matt want to pretend to be you?" Harvey asked with no real interest. Not even five minutes before those two clowns knocked on his door, Ivy had returned home from a shopping excursion and one of those bags had been pink with the very distinct gold lettering of Victoria Secret. These knuckleheads were only let in because Two Face was in a mood and wanted to annoy Harvey. Plus, he was mildly interested in their story.

"That's what I want to find out. I have no idea what I did to offend him," Jonathan assured him.

"And why do you need me again?"

"Face it Harv, Johnny and I are not the picture of physical perfection. When describing us the words wiry and frail get thrown around quite often," Eddie answered.

"My tennis coach once referred to me as a retarded gazelle," Jonathan sighed.

"See, tennis. That's not a very manly sport."

"You want me to pound him for you?" Two Face grunted.

"Not necessarily. We'd like to get through this with no violence but should the occasion arise…" Jonathan began.

"Yes, we want you to pound him," Eddie told him cutting Jonathan off.

"Harvey," Ivy called from the bedroom.

"Can it wait?" Harvey asked.

"No," Two Face answered.

"Uh oh," Eddie sighed.

"I was talking to them," Harvey snapped.

"You've been driving for awhile, it's my turn to have fun."

The coin came out. Harvey gave it a good flip but it still landed scarred side up. He slipped back into the bowels of their shared subconscious and let Two Face take over.

* * *

><p>Bruce Wayne could honestly say he had never been to Dingo's. As he walked into the restaurant with Alfred, Tim, and Stephanie in tow he could see why. The place was decorated to the extreme in pseudo-Australian theme. It was tacky. So tacky he thought even Harley Quinn would shake her head at it.<p>

"Ello mate! Welcome to Dingo's! How many in your party then?" the hostess asked in the worst Australian accent Bruce had ever heard.

"The reservation is under Gordon," he answered.

"Alright then! Some of your party is already here. Come on back!"

Bruce forced a smiled and then ushered everyone else ahead of him. When Alfred walked by he grabbed his sleeve and stopped his old friend. "This place is like hell on Earth," he hissed.

"Fully agree sir. Let's try and make the most of it."

"If the food is anything like the décor and the accents we're in trouble."

"I have a few stakes thawing as we speak."

"Good job."

Alfred smiled and they caught up with the group.

"You made it!" Dick cheered standing up, giving Stephanie, Tim, and Alfred a hug as they took their seats. When he got to Bruce he whispered, "Please tell me Alfred has a plan B for dinner."

"Steaks thawing as we speak," Bruce assured him.

"Thank god. I'm sorry, Jim insisted on this place."

"It's ok." Bruce and Dick took their own seats and smiled at the table. "Nice place," Bruce lied.

"My favorite," Jim replied.

"We ordered wine for the table," Barbara chimed in. "Except for the kids of course."

"Boo," Tim grumbled.

Bruce rolled his eyes.

Jim smiled and drummed his fingers on the table. An awkward silence took over the table. Clearly this wasn't an ordinary dinner and yet no one was willing to get the ball rolling as to why they were all here.

"How about them Cowboys?" Dick laughed.

"It's not football season," Stephanie replied confused.

"It's just a phrase. When there's an awkward silence you just go, how about them Cowboys and then conversation starts to flow," Dick explained.

"I've never heard that."

"Me either," Tim agreed.

"Yeah no," Barbara added.

Jim and Alfred just shook their heads.

"Bruce, back me up."

"Is this kind of like that one thing you were telling me about where you flailed your arms and yelled 'In the mirror'?"

"What? No. That was Little Mermaid."

"And what are we talking about?"

"The Cowboys!"

"Oh…well…I don't watch basketball."

"Football and that has…I mean I…this…never mind."

Bruce just smiled.

"You don't know The Little Mermaid?" Stephanie asked in mild shock.

"Why would I watch a kid's movie?"

"You watched Despicable Me," Tim interjected.

"I like the little minions."

"It was a funny movie," Jim agreed.

"See."

"See! My Cowboys thing works," Dick said proudly.

"Let it go hun," Barbara told him patting his back.

The wine was brought out and poured as well as the Tim and Steph's Shirley Temples. Orders were placed and when the waitress was gone, Dick stood up and said, "Well, I bet everyone is wondering why we're having a group dinner."

"No," Stephanie replied plainly.

Dick glared at her. "Ok, maybe everyone else is. Anyway, a couple days ago I asked this beautiful woman," here he gestured to his right, which unfortunately wasn't where Barbara was sitting but Bruce, "to marry me."

"A couple things," Jim interrupted, "Firstly, congrats on your sex change Bruce. Secondly, don't you think it's odd to marry your adoptive father?"

Dick looked over and silently cursed himself. "Right, I meant this woman." He now gestured over to Barbara. "And she said yes."

"Much better."

"Congratulations to you both," Alfred commended.

"I'm happy for you guys," Bruce added.

"Daddy?" Barbara questioned.

"If you're happy, then I'm happy."

Barbara smiled.

"Well, in honor of this happy moment, dinner is on me."

"No, Jim please, let me pay," Bruce argued.

"No, I insist."

"Both of you, dinner is on me," Dick interjected.

"Absolutely not. I am paying," Jim snapped.

"It would be my pleasure," Bruce growled back.

"I invited everyone, I am paying," Dick demanded.

"Boys," Barbara said calmly. "Let's just enjoy the dinner and we'll come back to this." But it was too late, the pissing contest had begun.

* * *

><p>Matt Hagan hadn't been seen around town for awhile but Two Face took a stab in the dark and went to his last hideout, a rundown townhouse on the not so good side of the city. He doubted Hagan would've moved, the guy liked dark and dank, not unlike Two Face but the difference was, Two Face could appreciate a well furnished classic seven on the Upper East Side overlooking the park. That's why he put up with that broad Harvey was in love with, at least that's what he told himself. Hagan could only destroy such a place.<p>

Jonathan cowered behind Two Face and Eddie as they knocked on the door. "Is it?" Hagan called from inside.

"It's me buddy," Two Face yelled back.

Hagan opened the door with a smile, and the body of a man he wasn't familiar with "Two Face!"

"Heya pal." And with that, Two Face punched Hagan square in the nose.

"What the hell?" he asked sliding back into his muddy form and taking a few steps back from the door to allow Two Face and Eddie entrance. The hit didn't hurt him but it made it hard to concentrate on keeping his human form.

"For me!" Jonathan squeaked.

"That you Crane?"

"Maybe."

"I heard you went soft on me Two Face but I didn't realize you had sunk so low," Hagan laughed.

"I ain't soft. I'm just helping out Harvey's buddies. So what's the deal? Why are ya slinking around lookin' like Johnny?"

"Who's it hurtin?"

"Me!" Johnny cried.

"The Tipster caught ya out and about. She's gonna put the pictures up if Johnny can't explain himself," Two Face explained.

"And?"

"And he has a little lady that might not be too happy with the pictures."

"Boohoo."

"Come on Hagan, tell the Tipster it was you and knock off the act," Eddie chimed in.

"Make me."

"They won't but I will," Two Face snapped.

"You can't hurt me."

"Sure about that?"

"Yeah."

"I'll just take a stroll through the Petunia's lab and see what she has lying about."

Mat snarled. Two people in the Rogue community had the ability to shut him up, Mr. Freeze and Ivy. Freeze had let loose on him once when he made a comment about breaking off a piece of the missus, and Ivy, well, lord only knows what she had in her pocket.

"That's what I thought," Two Face grumbled.

"Why are you doing this anyway?" Eddie inquired.

"Why not?"

"You could be anyone and you chose him, clearly you were trying to get something out of it."

"Yeah, a lap dance."

"I have never done anything to you!" Jonathan whined gaining some bravery and stepping out from behind his compatriots.

"So you think Sage will be all hot under the collar when she sees that picture?"

Jonathan opened his mouth to answer but stopped himself.

"What?" Hagan asked.

"This is about Sage isn't it?"

Hagan snorted.

"No it is! You were in Arkham with me when she started working there! You like her!"

"This clown," Hagan hissed.

"No he's right. You're trying to ruin his relationship. You knew this would be quite scandalous, but what you didn't know is that the Tipster would withhold the story."

"You're all crazy."

Eddie took his phone out and snapped a picture of the mud pile. "Either way, the Tipster is not running this gossip."

"Let's go," Two Face grumbled, more than annoyed he didn't get the fight he was looking for and wondering if Killer Croc would be up for a sparring match.

Clayface dropped a muddy hand on Jonathan's shoulder which made the anal retentive clean freak shudder. "This ain't over," he whispered.

Jonathan shook him off and continued out the door with the other two.

* * *

><p>The dinner had once again fallen into awkward silence and any attempt to resurrect the conversation turned into a grudge match between the three alpha males at the table. Barbara was ready to yell "whip them out and let's measure," but she refrained and just rolled her eyes. The dinner plates were cleared away and not even a breath later, the dessert plates began to be set out, chocolate lave cake for the whole table. And with dessert, came the check. The waitress sat in down in the middle of the table. It barely touched when Bruce, Jim, and Dick all lunged for it, sending chairs backward into other patrons and waitresses carrying trays.<p>

The waitress behind Barbara threw her bowl of shrimp pasta up in the air and in landed right in Tim's lap. A tray of drinks hit poor Barbara, and a rather large elderly woman was sent flying into Alfred. All three men ignored the chaos ensuing around them as they gripped the little piece of paper tightly and pulled.

Bruce and Dick pulled together and managed to wrench if free of Jim. Now it was down to the two of them. Bruce gave a good stomp to the inside of Dick's right foot, the one he had twisted just last night on patrol, and just like that, the bill was his. He fished his wallet out of his pocket and triumphantly pulled out a Visa card. Little did he know Dick was not going down without more of a fight. He tackled his mentor, and for all intents and purposes father, and wrestled him on the ground for the bill.

"Will you both stop it! You are making a scene!" Barbara screamed thoroughly embarrassed and soaking wet.

"Just give me the bill!" Dick demanded.

"I want to pay!"

"Let me do this!"

"Never!"

Dick bit Bruce on the shoulder then which caused him to yelp and momentarily loosen his grip on the bill. Dick took this opportunity to snatch it and run. "Waitress!" he screeched as he waved the paper in the air like a mad man and ran from the table. Bruce was close behind.

"Damn it Dick!"

They circled back round and Alfred had had enough. He took the paper from Dick, pulled out his own wallet, and handed both a stack of pristine twenties and the bill to the confused girl who had been serving their table. "And please miss, keep the change."

* * *

><p>"Well the Tipster is not putting out that picture and luckily she found a new story for the evening," Eddie assured Jonathan once they had dropped Two Face off at the apartment.<p>

"He's going to make my life miserable, I can tell," Jonathan sighed.

"Hagan? I doubt it. He has the attention span of a retarded goldfish."

"No, he wants Sage and he will destroy me to get her. I knew it was too good to be true."

"Buck up camper, and watch Bruce Wayne wrassle his son in a cheap restaurant."

Jonathan smiled and laughed as he watched the video of Dick Grayson tackling Bruce Wayne.

Meanwhile Eddie tried to piece together a puzzle in his mind. The Tipster had no qualms about telling the world of Harley's indiscretions when they were together but for some reason she balked when she thought it was Jonathan. It was as if she was protecting him. "Curious," he muttered.

"Hmm?" Jonathan asked.

"Nothing."

* * *

><p>Bruce Wayne felt like a child in trouble. Alfred could always make him feel that way. The car ride back to the manor had been silent but the moment Tim was out of earshot, Alfred let him have it.<p>

"Really sir? Such behavior at Dick and Barbara's engagement dinner!"

"I was just trying…"

Alfred held up a hand to stop him. "No you were not. You were trying to be Bruce Wayne, big shot."

Bruce looked down at the floor.

"You should be ashamed."

"I am."

"It's all over the Tipster website."

"I know."

"You embarrassed Miss Gordon, and managed to ruin her dress as well as cover Master Tim in food. You made a scene. You chased Master Dick around a restaurant!"

"He bit me."

"No! No excuses."

"Am I grounded?"

"Yes. No Patrol."

"Wait, what?"

"That's right. No patrol for you mister."

"Alfred! That's not fair!"

"Life is not fair sir."

"I'm a grown man, I can do as I please," Bruce huffed heading for the cave.

"Yes but can you manage to make your own meals?"

Bruce turned right around and marched up the stairs. "Stupid Alfred. Grounding me. A grown man."

"Goodnight sir."

* * *

><p>"Well, well, Mr. Nigma. What can I do for you?" she asked stepping aside to let Eddie into her apartment.<p>

"I'm not staying, I just came by to tell you something," Eddie replied.

"Oh?"

"Yes. I know who you are."

"And who am I?"

"The Tipster."

She laughed. "And are you the Easter bunny?"

"Deny it all you like but there is only one person who would rather go without gossip than embarrass Jonathan Crane."

"And you think that person is me?"

"I know it is. You care about him. You have for a long time."

"What are you implying?"

"Nothing like that, otherwise you would've went through with posting it. You care about him, like a brother."

"You're crazy Ed."

"So I've been told, more than once tonight. Doesn't change the facts."

"I do care about Johnny but I'm not a gossip."

Eddie shrugged his shoulders. "I won't tell anyone. I have no real evidence against you so no one would believe me most likely."

"Then why tell me?"

"To thank you, on his behalf, for giving him a chance. And confirm my hypothesis."

"Well, I'm not the Tipster."

"Oh but you are." He smiled at her and gave a little bow. "Goodnight my dear."


	12. Take A Hint

Author's Note: You know what my new favorite thing is? Victorious! And I am perfectly ok with being a 23 year old woman who enjoys children shows. I also like iCarly

* * *

><p>Nothing made Selina and Harley feel older than watching the young groupies at the Iceberg Lounge. They had tiny little tummies, toned abs, and braless wasn't an option for them, but a certainty. They didn't have to work out, they didn't have to watch their calories, they were just young and beautiful. But nothing made Selina and Harley feel younger than being backstage at the Rolling Stones concert. Suddenly they were in their early twenties again, jumping up and down, dancing to the music, and singing their hearts out without a care who saw them. The energy was high voltage electric. Everyone was excited and just as high energy as the duo was. It was almost as if the 70s were back and once again The Stones were the number one band in the world.<p>

Selina wandered over to the buffet table loaded up with all kinds of goodies, and get herself a plate which she took over to the lush black leather couch in the band's dressing room. She flopped down onto the couch feeling exhausted physically but mentally wound tight. A feeling she hadn't had in awhile. Harley was close behind, and with a grunt she plopped down next to her brunette friend. She tried to sink into the couch but her leather pants restricted her leg movement and they were unable to slide against the leather sofa.

"Damn pants," Harley muttered.

"They make your ass look good though," Selina replied.

"Thank you. Give me a piece of shrimp."

"Get your own shrimp!"

"Why are you always so stingy with the shrimp?" Harley moaned as she tried to get up off the couch.

"Because it's delicious."

Harley dragged her butt back out into the main room where the buffet was set up and quickly piled food on top of her own plate. She felt him before she heard him. Every time he entered the room the atmosphere shifted. It was almost paranormal. A chill would run down her spine, her hair stood on end, and she couldn't stop her breath from catching in her throat. The music was loud and yet she could hear his footsteps as he slowly, gracefully, sauntered over to her. In her mind she could see his walk, one foot in front of the other like a model. All lines and angles, nothing soft about him physically, except the walk. There was something different though, the distinct sound of leather rustling with each step. She wouldn't look. Wouldn't turn around. That's not how the game was being played anymore. This was all hers now. Her game, her rules. She was the master and so far the score was two Harley, Joker zero. She popped a shrimp into her mouth and waited for him to say something to her when the footsteps stopped immediately behind her. He was so close she could feel his breath on her ear as he leaned forward.

"Real cute Harley," he whispered with slight edge of anger.

"This? It's just something I had lying around the hotel room," she replied knowing full well that he wasn't referring to her ensemble.

"Don't play dumb, we're far past that."

"Awe but I'm so good at that game."

Joker spun her around so she had to face him. "You could've at least left a key."

"But where would the fun be in that? I quite enjoyed imagining the different ways you could've gotten yourself out of that pickle. My personal favorite is where you chewed through your wrists." She gave him a quick once over. He was indeed wearing leather pants, and a black button down shirt with the first few buttons undone to reveal his ghostly white chest. She wanted to swoon but instead she quirked an eyebrow and adopted a look of pure disinterest. "Nice pants."

"I realized I had been wearing that suit for a couple days, I needed a change. And since I was going to a rock concert…" he trailed with a wave of his hand.

"Well you fit the part, I guess."

He took a shrimp off her plate and dropped it into his mouth. "Don't you want to know?"

"Know what?"

"How I did it. How I got free."

"I thought a magician never revealed his secrets."

"I'm not really a magician now am I?"

"And since you still have both of your hands, I'm not really interested. You know, when Hannibal Lecter was handcuffed to Clarice Starling, he cut off his own hand to save hers."

"In the movie?"

"Yeah."

"I like the book better. They end up together."

"A happy ending? How sweet."

"You're getting bitter with age my dear."

Harley leaned against the table looked up at him with her eyes. She let a twisted sadistic smile dance across her lips and before Joker could comment, she delivered a knee blow right to his groin. He dropped down in front of her and she stepped over him. "I kind of like this Hannibal/Clarice parable. I want to be Hannibal though, I played Clarice for far too long. Enjoy the concert." She bolted for the dressing room and grabbed Selina by the arm. "Grab your plate dear, we have to go."

* * *

><p>Selina woke up to the sound of a familiar ringtone on her phone. She had to stifle a smile, afraid that somehow he would know she was happy he was calling. "Hello Bruce, she purred sleepily.<p>

"Did I wake you?" he asked.

"Yeah but I need to get up anyway."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. What's up?"

"Nothing, I just…I don't know. I needed to call you."

"What time is it? Isn't it really early or late there?"

"It's really early here."

"You're not patrolling."

"I'm grounded."

"Grounded?"

"Yeah, Alfred grounded me."

"Are you allowed to use the phone?" she laughed.

"Maybe, I'm not sure."

"So what got you grounded?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"You know I've already seen the video."

"You did?"

"Yes."

"When I saw it I had flashbacks to your catfight with Talia."

"Ugh, don't remind me how I lowered myself to her level."

"Anyway, now I know how you feel."

Selina smirked. "What possessed you to barroom brawl with your son and the James Gordon?"

"I wanted to pay the bill."

Selina couldn't hold it in anymore. Riotous laughter echoed off the hotel room walls. She laughed so hard her ribs hurt and she let out a snort before simmering down.

"I'm happy you find joy in my pain."

"I'm sorry."

"No you're not and that's ok. I just wanted to do something for Dick. I don't know."

"What do you mean?"

"I know I griped and bitched about him basically moving back in after he and Barbara broke up but it was nice having him back. Now he's back out and not just on his own but getting married. I can't do things for him anymore. I can't take care of him. I can't watch out for him like I could when he was a kid. I just wanted to do one last thing and he just wanted to prove he was a grown man by buying dinner and then Jim…he was probably having the same thoughts as I was. But the thing is, Barbara is a daddy's girl. She always will be. Jim will always be able to take care of her. Dick stopped needing me a long time ago."

Selina listened, she knew that's what he really wanted.

"And then there's Tim, and I was thinking that I at least still had him but he's all of a sudden bringing Stephanie around, and it's only a matter of time until he's off on his own."

"Stephanie? What happened to Harley?" she teased.

Bruce grunted. "I have enough problems without the addition of Harley Quinn to the Wayne family."

"I think your thing for bad girls is rubbing off on the boy."

"Yeah, god knows Steph isn't an angel. At least she's a kid. And she isn't so bad. Wild for sure."

"Hate to break it to ya babe, all teenage girls are wild."

"I feel like it was just yesterday I was wrapping the counters in bubble wrap," he sighed.

"What?"

"Nothing. The worst part about this is, I'm getting old. Its bad enough they don't need me but I'm also getting old. I found a gray hair the other day. I wanted to die."

"Now you sound like Ivy."

"She has gray hairs?"

"She dyes her hair, never tell anyone."

"Do you have gray hair?"

"No, I'm twenty seven."

"Liar."

"Quiet Hugh Heffner."

"Oh god."

"You're not old, they're not really your kids remember."

"I still feel old."

"Selina!" Harley yelled. "Wanna grab lunch?"

"In a sec Harl," Selina called back.

"I should let you go," Bruce sighed.

"Yeah, I can't let her roam about alone. Joker showed up last night and now this game of cat and mouse is getting complicated. But, before I go, let me give you some advice. Call Jim and apologize. You're kid is marrying his kid and he already doesn't think the world of you. Call Dick, apologize as well but don't just throw out the, I acted like an ass thing, tell him the truth for once. You'd be surprised how well he understands. And maybe you should spend some time with Tim so you don't end up locking Stephanie in a box and shipping her off to Africa so he doesn't see her anymore."

"Yes ma'am."

"Don't ma'am me, I'm not that old."

"Thanks for talking."

"Anytime."

"Selina…"

"Hmmm?"

"I miss you."

And suddenly there it was, the elephant no one wanted to talk about. She had rehearsed this moment a thousand times in her head but suddenly every scenario, line, comeback was gone. She was blank. As she racked her brain for something to say, her mouth took over and blurted out the truth, "I miss you too."

"Selina!" Harley yelled. "Hungry!"

"I'll talk to you later." Bruce hung up without waiting for her to say goodbye.

Harley was not waiting any longer. She burst through Selina's door only to find Selina sitting up in bed clutching her phone. "Whoah boy. What happened?"

"He misses me," Selina said dreamily with a smile.

"Oh yeah?"

"He misses me and I told him I missed him."

"Total breakthrough today. I'm proud of you."

"I just blurted it out. I admitted that I missed him."

"Good for you."

"I told the man I love that I missed him and it was the truth and the world is still spinning and life keeps going."

"Yes and your friend is a little freaked out."

Selina's smile left her face. "I do miss him."

"I got that."

"I've missed him since the moment I left him."

"Do you wanna grab a flight back to Gotham?"

Selina looked up at Harley as if she hadn't even registered the blonde was there until now. "No. Let's grab lunch."

"But you just said…"

"No!" Selina snapped. "I want to stay here or go wherever as long as it isn't Gotham."

"But…" Harley was so confused.

"It doesn't matter if I miss him or if he misses me or if we love each other. It's still the same."

"I don't get you. I don't even know why you two broke up."

"I wasn't important enough. He was so busy with…" she caught herself before she could blurt out the real issue, "with work and what not. I was always left behind."

"Maybe he's changed."

"No he hasn't. He never will."

"Well you don't know until you try. Besides, what do you have left to lose?"

"My dignity and pride."

"Please, we all lost our dignity a long time ago and let's face it, nothing will damage your pride. Ego the size of a planet."

Selina laughed. "Alright you, lets get some food."

* * *

><p>Joker woke up in the same pain he went to bed with. His groin had suffered more abuse as of late than it had his whole life. He wondered if eventually it would just shrivel up die. He quickly shook off the thought and made a half assed attempt to reach the phone next to the bed. He succeeded in knocking the receiver to the floor. Joker cursed and then wiggled himself closer to the edge of the bed. He was not going to get up. He reached down to the floor and felt around for the phone. No luck. He turned his head to the side so he could get a better view. It was out of arm's reach. "Fuck me," he groaned.<p>

He started to sit up but immediately lay back down. Joker was not a quitter. Quit was a work he refused to know. Defeat was not in his vocabulary. He would not let this phone, this hunk of plastic and wiring, beat him. He grabbed the pillow next to him and tried to fling it to the other side of the phone so he could drag it back. It worked, sort of. The phone got closer but not quite close enough to grab. He repeated this action with the same result. The phone was closer still but not quite to where he could grasp it. Joker decided this was victory enough and punched the speed dial button for room service.

"Room service," the man on the other end said cheerfully.

"Pancakes," Joker grumbled.

"I'm sorry?"

"Pancakes!" he repeated, louder now so the man could hear him.

"Very good sir, anything else?"

"Screwdriver."

"A screwdriver sir?"

"Not the tool, the beverage."

"I see. Of course sir. We will have your order to your room…"

Joker smacked the phone switch hook and rolled back over. Pancakes and alcohol. That's what he needed. He looked back at the clock. It was almost noon. He was still jetlagged from his flight over from Gotham and add to that all this excitement of chasing Harley around. "Harley," he growled. He both loved and loathed this new wild streak she had. The thrill of the hunt was new and exciting for him. He was pleased to see that she wasn't a doormat anymore but at the same time he wondered if it would ever end. Would she ever realize he meant what he was saying? And did it really matter? He couldn't picture a world without Harley in it and he knew he would die chasing her. He grimaced at the thought. What was he becoming? What kind of man chases after a woman? Certainly not Joker. No. Maybe. Had he ever chased after a woman? Well, obviously as Joker Harley was his first. She was his first everything really. His first love, his first real kiss, his first real friend. But he had a life before this. He could remember Jean…no! No he wouldn't even think her name lest every painful memory bubble up to the surface. Pushing her name and face to the side he tried to remember before her, how they met. He couldn't without letting her in and he wouldn't. Je…she belonged to Jack. Harley belonged to Joker and even thinking about his former wife made him feel dirty, like he was somehow cheating on Harley. Remembering the pathetic piss ant he had been, he gathered he would've chased after any girl that so much as glanced in his direction.

"Room service!" someone called from the other side of the door with a light knock.

"Damn," Joker groaned. How long had he been thinking? And how was he going to answer the door without getting up? "I don't suppose you could let yourself in, could you?"

"Of course sir." The hotel worker, a young man, possibly the same one who answered the phone, let himself in. He smiled politely at the ghostly man tangled up in a heap in the white sheets that matched his skin perfectly. "Where would you like it?"

"Right next to the bed. I don't see myself getting up anytime soon."

The young man did as he was told and gave a little nod after he uncovered the plat of pancakes. "Enjoy your day sir."

Joker reached for the wallet he had stolen from some sap on the plane and handed the kid a fifty. "You too."

The kid noticed right away he wasn't holding a small amount and stuffed it in his pocket quickly before the white chap noticed. He then swiftly made his exit. He didn't even care that it was American money and he'd have to exchange it.

When the door was securely shut, Joker sat up and slid the pancake platter into his lap. As he stuffed his mouth, stopping every so often to wash the food down with a swig of good ol' fashioned vodka and orange juice, he decided he would spend the day lounging in bed. He had no real lead as to where Harley could be and he needed to strategize anyway. Apparently winging it wasn't getting him anywhere.

* * *

><p>Harley dragged Selina down the streets of London to the "most fabulous amazing little pub in all the whole wide world". It was the place she had been yesterday when she ran into the Rolling Stones. Apparently the waitress was some kind of psychic Irish wizard. Selina wondered if it really was so amazing or if Harley had somehow stumbled upon a crack platter. The place was dimly lit and murky and yet it felt homey and warn somehow and when the middle aged red headed woman behind the bar smiled, Selina felt welcomed and at ease. It was strange to say the least.<p>

"Look who be back," the red headed woman said with an air of self satisfaction. "Knew I wouldn't be seeing the last of ya." She walked over to the table Harley and Selina claimed as their own. "Did ya enjoy yourself last night?"

"We had a blast," Harley replied. "Mary, this is Selina Kyle, Selina, Mary."

"I've heard a lot about you," Selina told her shaking her hand.

"Really? What has ya talkin' about ol' Mary then?"

"Just that you were really helpful yesterday."

"Aye, the man trouble."

"He's here. In London."

"Is he now? Still fightin' the good fight eh? I told her, I says ya can't be listenin' to what a man says. Ya gotta watch what he does. Men are all the same, spewin' out whatever little thought that just pops into their wee brains."

Selina laughed.

"But this one here she has, chasin' her all over the world. That's a man in love that is."

Harley rolled her eyes but she couldn't stop the light pink color flushing over her cheeks or the smile spreading across her mouth.

"Awe there it is, the look of love. Can't be hidin' it from ol' Mary. What can I be getting' ya girls to drink?"

"Diet coke," Harley mumbled.

"Same," Selina agreed.

"Be back in a moment."

"I like her," Selina decided aloud.

"I told you you would."

"She reminds me of Ivy in a way."

"It's the no nonsense attitude."

Selina nodded.

"You just sneak in and don't even say hello to me? Bloody Americans. So rude," David called from the bar as he walked out of the kitchen.

"You weren't out here!" Harley argued.

"I'll let it slide this time. Who's your friend then?"

"Selina Kyle, meet David, bartender and Mary's husband."

"For the time bein' anyway," Mary joked as she rejoined the table, drinks in hand.

"I'll remember that the next time some bobble catches your eye in the shop," David shot back.

"Ya haven't bought'n me a thing in years ya duffer."

"I bought ya them earrings last week."

"I bought these myself."

"With the money I provide."

"Ah!" Mary grunted waving him off. "Men, give ya the shirt off their back they will but they won't let ya forget it."

"Amen," Selina agreed.

"So, what's your lot then?"

"I'm sorry?"

"A body like that I'm guessin' you're no stranger to the opposite sex."

"She misses her ex," Harley jumped in, ready and willing to shift the focus off herself.

"Oh really?"

"She told him today and he misses her as well."

"Harley!" Selina cried.

"Oh don't be shy. As I be tellin' her yesterday, where I come from a pub is your family. Not the hole ya drink yourself stupid in. I'm guessin' this man of yours ain't as easy as I love ya and that's that."

"No. He's very complicated."

Mary nodded.

"He works, around the clock. And that's what comes first. Well, no, actually he's managed to let his kids come first, adoptive kids. Well, not really kids. A teenager and an adult, who just got engaged."

"Dick's engaged?" Harley chimed in.

"Yeah. Anyway, they come first which is great. But his work is right behind that and it takes every minute he doesn't devote to his family. At first he let his work life slide but as we got closer he dived back into it and…I don't know. I don't even know why I'm telling my life story to a complete stranger," she laughed.

"As it is with all great love stories deary, it ain't easy. But isn't that why it's worth it? Who wants everythin' to be white picket fences and perfect? Conflict, the chase, the tears, that's what makes it all worth while. That's what makes the happy endin' so much more satisfyin'."

Selina nodded.

"If ya love him, tell him. What do you have to lose?"

"That's what I side!" Harley piped up.

"And you need to be tellin' your own man ya love him. Ya both want to make it so much more complicated than it is. Ya have to work through the bad times, not give up durin' them. For better or worse, it ain't just be somethin' ya say at the alter." Mary fixed them both with a look that said she meant business. "Now, I'm bringin' ya both the special and after ya eat it I want you," she said pointing at Selina "to tell that man of yours that ya do love him and you", now she pointed at Harley, "to do the same and Bob's your uncle." Mary walked back over to the bar.

"Bob is my uncle," Harley sighed.

"I don't know what that means."

"Me neither."

They smiled at each other for a minute and then Selina said "She's right you know?"

"I know."

"Are you going to find Joker and call a truce?"

"Nope. You calling Bruce?"

"I can't. Not yet."

"And Bob's your uncle," Harley sighed.

"Who is this Bob?"

* * *

><p>The special ended up being some sort of stew. Neither Selina nor Harley could name the contents of their lunch but they knew it was delicious. The pub was mostly empty, minus a couple men seated at the bar, so Mary spent most of her time chatting with the two ladies about their travels so far and their home.<p>

"And then I left him handcuffed to the bed!" Harley squealed with laughter.

Mary slapped the table as she held her gut to keep it from bursting. Her sides ached from not having laughed so hard in a good long while.

"Yet he still wants me back."

"That just proves the poor idiot loves ya."

"Right?" Selina teased.

"Perhaps."

"Look what the cat dragged in," David joked pointing to the door.

At first Harley thought she was a kid but upon further inspection she realized it was a teenager, sixteen seventeen maybe. Her black hair was cut shorter, back not touching her shoulders but longer than the front, and her bangs were swept over to the side to keep them out of her face. When she stood next to David, Harley could see the resemblance. The same dark chocolate eyes and nose. But her face shape, cheekbones, and slightly red lips were her mother's. She was thin in the waist with slightly wider hips and full bust. Clearly the figure her mother had as a girl. She wasn't muscular but certainly toned, probably from school activities and running about with friends.

"Dad," the girl muttered pouring herself a soda from the tap.

"Come here," Mary said beckoning the girl with her finger.

The girl rolled her eyes and trudged over to the table.

"I want ya to meet some people," Mary explained seeing the less than interested look on her daughter's face. "This is my daughter, Amara."

"Holy…" Amara started staring at the two ladies.

"Holy what Batman?" Harley joked.

"You are them aren't you?"

"Define them," Selina replied.

"I read about you all the time! I get the Tipster updates on my phone!"

Selina and Harley exchanged a smile. It was weird being recognized without being shot at or treated with mass hysteria.

"That them," Selina sighed.

"What are ya prattlin' on about girl?" Mary asked.

"Mum, that's Harley Quinn and Selina Kyle from Gotham City."

"Aye I know there names. What's so special bout them then?"

"Mary, I'm afraid we're not exactly good citizens of Gotham City on vacation. Harley and I are quite notorious, in the Gotham underworld."

"We're super criminals," Harley finished explaining.

"What?"

"That's Catwoman and she's the Joker's girlfriend!" Amara squealed with excitement.

"You mean…you…"

Harley and Selina gave a nod.

"What's Poison Ivy like?" Amara asked.

"Kind of like your mom," Harley answered.

"Did you hear that Talia is redecorating Lex's penthouse?"

"Left my phone at the hotel so I missed that update," Selina told her.

"Want to see the pictures? All the furniture is really tacky."

* * *

><p>When Mary shook off the shock she promptly escorted Harley and Selina out the door. They didn't blame her. They wouldn't want to find out their child idolized high profile criminals either. Once back at the hotel, Selina claimed the bathroom and started herself a bath. Harley plopped down onto the main room sofa and flipped on the TV. She was banned from leaving the room solo.<p>

Harley pulled her phone out of her purse and turned it over in her hands. Even though their friendship with Mary had ended on less than favorable terms, the wise Irish woman's words still rang in her head. At this point, it was more than evident Joker not only loved her, but he wasn't giving up either. What was stopping her from falling back into his arms? As she pondered this, she almost missed the knocking on the door. "Someone gently wrapping, wrapping at my chamber door. Tis the wind and nothing more," she recited, sure she was somehow misquoting Edgar Allen Poe and not really caring. What she expected to find and who was really knocking were two different beasts entirely.

Ready to tell the Joker off, Harley opened the door, hand on her hip with an annoyed look on her face which quickly faltered when she realized there was no one towering above her but instead was standing at eyelevel with her.

Amara's smile was wider than her face and her hand was frantically waving. "Hello!"

"Hello?" Harley questioned.

"I'm sorry about my mum. She just doesn't get it." Amara walked into the suite and made herself right at home on the couch. "This is nice."

"Thank you. Um, what are you doing?"

"I wanted to talk to you guys."

Harley grasped for something to say. She was sure the girl shouldn't be in their hotel room but she wasn't really sure why. "Amara," she started not really sure what words were going to come next.

"Don't kick me out," the teenager begged. "It's not everyday you meet a celebrity."

"I wouldn't call me a celebrity per say."

"You know what I mean. The Gotham Rogues are the most popular topic in all the world. You're always trending on Twitter."

"What the hell is Twitter?"

"Social network site."

"Social…whatever. I don't think your mom would be happy if she knew you were here."

"She isn't happy with anything I do."

"That sounds familiar."

"Your mum a pain too?"

"Yeah." Harley took a seat on the couch next to the girl.

"Do you see her?"

"No. Not since I went to dinner with her when I was engaged."

"I remember that."

Harley snickered. "Of course you do."

"I remember everything you do. You're my favorite."

"Why's that?"

"I don't know. I just like you."

"Well thank you."

"I dream all about moving to Gotham."

"It's a nice place, sometimes."

"I want to have dinner at the Iceberg Lounge and watch Holly give the business to whoever irks her."

Harley opened her mouth to respond when she heard Selina getting out of the tub. "We have to go."

"Why?"

"Look, I know you shouldn't be here but I don't see you leaving on your own anytime soon but what I do see is Selina coming out here and giving me the business. Let's get a coffee."

"Together?"

"Yes."

"Alright!"

* * *

><p>Since Harley was less than familiar with the city, she let Amara direct her to a little café not too far from the hotel. As she sat at a table on the patio waiting for the young girl to bring back coffee, she contemplated her next move. Harley had no idea what to say to a teenage girl who clearly in awe of her lifestyle and if she were anything like her at sixteen, words wouldn't matter. She remembered when her mother found out she was dating the twenty two year old who worked at the gas station around the corner. Her mother's protests washed over her and made Harley all the more enamored with the gas station attendant who still lived in his mother's house. Eventually her mother gave up the fight and shortly there after, Harley gave up the loser. She shook her head and smiled at the thought of how she had once thought that loser to be so cool. The last time she had seen that moron was right before she started college, he was still at the same gas station, still living with his mother. The only thing that had changed was now he had a gut and his was looking thinner.<p>

Amara bounded up to the table, two cups in hand, and excitedly handed one off to Harley.

"Thank you," the blonde said happy to have the warm nectar of the gods in her hand.

"You're welcome," the young girl beamed proudly.

Harley pulled out her wallet to hand the girl some money but Amara quickly refused it. Not one to argue, not about money anyway, Harley put it away. "So…"

"I can't believe I'm really sitting here with you!"

"Amara, you do realize I'm not an actress or a celebrity don't you? I'm a real person. And not even a good person, I'm a criminal. I've cheated, stolen, killed." Harley muttered the last word and tried to shake off the memories that went with it.

"Yeah but…"

"But nothing, that's who I am."

"But you're also sweet, kind, and funny. You're a good friend to everyone…"

"Everyone who has had a stay in the asylum. I have to be, those are the only people that put up with me."

"Bruce Wayne likes you."

"No Bruce Wayne loves Selina and for some reason he tolerates her crazy circle of friends."

Amara sighed and sank down into her chair.

"The Tipster reports all the funny and dramatic moments in our lives but what she doesn't tell you, is the horrific parts. Sure it's funny to see Joker walking down the street in his pj's getting Chinese but what isn't funny is the dead Chinese woman behind the counter at the Golden Duck, all because he forgot his wallet."

"Then why do you love him?"

"A question I myself have been pondering for awhile," she admitted sadly.

"If he's a bad person, you shouldn't love him."

"If only it were that simple."

"It is. I mean it can be. Just love someone else."

"Do you think people just choose someone to…" But Harley never finished her thought. Amara's mouth overtook hers and for a second she let it happen until reality set in and being unsure of the statutory laws in England, she pushed the girl back. "Yeah okay that was out of left field."

"You're wonderful."

Harley's phone began to go off in her purse and she quickly rummaged for it knowing full well that it probably wouldn't be a pleasant conversation.

"You deserve better!"

"Hello," Harley gasped.

"Where are you?" Selina asked.

"I think I love you," Amara admitted.

"I am in the most uncomfortable moment of my life," Harley replied.

"What?"

"Harley," Amara breathed.

"Kittie, I have to call you back." Harley shoved the phone back in her purse and grabbed the teenage girl by the shoulders. "You're sixteen and I'm a criminal. It will never work."

"I can go back to Gotham with you!" Amara protested. "And I'm really mature for my age!"

"I do not doubt that in the slightest and while I think you are a really great kid, you are just that, a kid."

"Joker is much older than you."

"Yes and I have a list of daddy and abandonment issues that make that relationship work."

"I know it won't be easy but…"

Harley's phone beeped away in her purse letting her know she had a new text message. She groaned and snatched it up. What else could happen?

"I have a new Tipster update!" Amara squealed. "I'm on the Tipster page! Look!"

Harley was looking at the picture herself on her own phone. There she was, being smooched by the naïve girl with text that read "Harley Quinn kissed a girl…did she like it?"

"How cool is this?"

Phone calls were fighting to get through on Harley's phone. Selina was the first followed by Joker, Ivy, Oswald, Harvey, and Eddie. Harley hit the silence button and banged her head against the table.

* * *

><p>Selina was packed and ready when Harley stumbled into the hotel room. "Really?" Selina huffed.<p>

"I would like to say I did not make the first move."

"I said don't leave the room. Why would you go meet her?"

"I didn't! She showed up here and…"

"And nothing. I don't want to be here when her mother breaks down that door. Two tickets on a flight to Madrid. I phoned a friend and we have a little villa just outside the city."

"Madrid?"

"Yes."

"Why not just go home…"

"Get your bags and let's go!"


	13. Spin Around

Author's Note: Big thanks to all my readers once again for indulging my insanity. I love looking at my numbers and watching them climb, especially in countries other than America. I think every time I get a hit in Greece I explode with home country pride.

* * *

><p>Ivy momentarily panicked when she woke up alone after going to bed before Harvey came home. She pushed it aside and tried to be aloof about the whole situation. Just because I love you, doesn't mean my life revolves around you, that was the mantra she kept repeating as she walked into the bathroom to brush her teeth. She would make a pot of coffee, cook up a little breakfast, and go about her day. Life would not stop because Harvey Dent didn't come through that door. A tidal wave of relief washed over her when she walked into the living room and found him on the couch, cuddled up and passed out like a baby. The relief quickly turned to annoyance and immediately stomped over to him and roughly shook him awake.<p>

"Wuzzat?" Two Face grumbled.

"Oh, it's you," she grunted back.

Two Face grimaced when he caught sight of his rude awakening. "Whadya want Petunia?"

"Why didn't you come to bed?"

"Didn't want to wake ya."

"I would like to know that you're home."

"Sorry. It was late. The boys dropped me off, I went for a quick drink, and I just passed out here."

"Do you want coffee?" she muttered walking over to the kitchen.

"Yeah…and eggs."

She stopped pouring the water into the coffee maker and fixed him with a glare. "Excuse me?"

"Eggs. With bacon preferably."

"I'm not your maid."

"Never said you were."

"Make your own eggs."

"Awe Petunia!"

She stopped glaring at him and softened a little. Ivy always did have a weak spot for Two Face calling her Petunia. She didn't know why. It was kind of like when Harvey called her Pammy. "You're lucky I love you."

"I'm lucky you love my lesser half," he replied with a sly grin.

"No, I love both of you."

"Does that mean I get my eggs?"

"Yes."

"You're alright Petunia."

Ivy rolled her eyes. "You're not so bad yourself. So, what happened with Jonathan?"

"Matt's back."

"Hagen?"

"Yup."

Ivy snarled. "Disgusting lump of useless…"

"Guess you're not friends."

She whirled around to face him, and if looks could kill, whoah boy!

"Sorry. Anyway, he seems to have a hang up on Sage."

"Oh…really?"

"Yeah."

"Doesn't seem like his type."

Two Face's attention was suddenly fully committed to Ivy. "Excuse me?"

"I just...that's not the girl he usually likes."

"Do tell Petunia."

"He just usually hits on more…I don't know…exotic women."

"Like hourglass red heads?"

"Are you jealous?"

"Did you sleep with him?"

Ivy laughed. "Please."

"Not a no."

"Excuse me! Don't act like you're the Virgin Mary. We've both dated around."

"You dated him?!"

"No! I…you know what? This is not your business."

Two Face jumped up from the couch knocking it back. "It is so!"

"Matt and I…"

"Now it's Matt?!"

"Discussion over."

"Discussion over my ass!"

Ivy slammed a plate of bacon and eggs down onto the table. "There's your breakfast. I'm going for a run."

"Did you make him bacon and eggs?!"

Ivy flipped him the bird and stormed down the hall to her bedroom to change her clothes.

* * *

><p>Dick Grayson was more than a little apprehensive about meeting Bruce for lunch. Even the offer of having it in the city held no real security that it wouldn't turn into a fiasco. All the same, he couldn't say no the man who took him in when no one else would, raised him for the second half of his life, and mentored him. He surveyed main dining room of Lunch. the trendy new restaurant, only open for lunch, for the older man. He was at a corner table, clearly trying to avoid too much recognition. Dick waved off the hostess and pointed to Bruce. She smiled and let him go seat himself with the other half of his party.<p>

"Thanks for meeting me," Bruce said as a greeting when he noticed him approaching the table.

Dick slowly pulled out the chair and sat down. "No sudden movements. Don't take this as a challenge. You're the alpha male here," he joked.

"I seem to recall you tackling me."

"Should we go to the video?"

"Please don't. It was already on Good Morning America."

"I saw that."

"How mad is Barbara?"

"On a scale from 1-10?"

"Yeah."

"Blew the scale apart. In the millions. Threatened both me and her father. She said he was clearly senile and she was going to lock him up in Shady Pines and then she told me she should leave my sorry ass."

"Ouch."

"Yup, but then I reminded her that she knew going in that me, and the people I love, were nuts."

"And that somehow calmed her down?"

"Kind of. She wasn't exactly her cheerful self this morning but she didn't pour hot coffee in my lap either."

"She mad at me?"

"I wouldn't expect Oracle on the com for the next couple of days."

Bruce nodded. He couldn't and wouldn't blame her.

After the waiter came by to take their orders, Dick dared to start the conversation, "So…"

"Look, I don't want to talk about what happened last night, I want to talk about why it happened."

"Alright."

"I lost my mind. I admit that. I just…I don't know. It feels like yesterday you were this lost little kid looking for a solace and now all of a sudden you're a grownup, getting married, buying dinner. I felt old and obsolete, useless. And I don't even know when you turned into an adult. I've spent so much time devoted to…work that I missed everything. Kind of like how I missed Selina slipping away." Bruce took a deep breath and continued, "I just wanted to do one more thing for you. I wanted to be there one more time."

Dick laughed. "One more thing? Am I dying? I'm still going to need you. Need your help. Just because I get married doesn't mean I'm not still…you know…your…" He waved his hand as if to make the word appear magically in the air. "Son" went unsaid but still hung between them. Dick never called himself Bruce Wayne's son verbally but he said it to himself mentally daily and in his mind he called Bruce dad. He had jokingly said it, but never in a serious moment. His own father had been wonderful and he loved him and missed him everyday and even though it had been years and years since he lost his family, the wound still felt fresh. That's why he hadn't called Bruce his father out loud. It almost felt like a betrayal to his deceased family.

Bruce nodded.

"But I get what you're saying. I've been kind of feeling that way."

"That you don't need me?"

"No! No, not at all. But that you wouldn't want me around anymore. I mean, lets face it, you did your duty. At 18 you could've pushed me out the door and said see ya. I'm not your flesh and blood. I'm just the kid you felt sorry for."

"What?"

"Oh come on, I'm not your kid and you don't have to pretend I am."

Bruce stood up and walked to the other side of the table where Dick was sitting. "Get up," he demanded in a voice that was dangerously close to Batman.

Dick did as he was told and stood up, nervous as to what might happen next. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. After a second of no talking, he felt arms wrap around his shoulders and the front of Bruce's chest against his. He opened his eyes already full knowing he was being hugged.

"I couldn't love anyone more, even if they were my flesh and blood. I am so proud of everything you do and who you are. You may not carry my name, but you Richard Grayson, are and always will be my son." Bruce closed his eyes to hold the tears back. He may be having a tender moment but he was not ready to relinquish his man card by crying in public. He felt Dick's arms encircling him and a slight hitch in his breathing as he tried to hold back his own emotions.

"I love you too." Even at Bruce's admission, Dick couldn't bring himself to call him dad just yet. But he wanted to. He wanted to so much.

The waiter carefully and quietly sat the lunch plates down onto the table, only taking a second to take in the warm moment…and take a picture as well.

* * *

><p>"First they were brawling and today they are hugging. Aren't they cute folks? In other news, Alice and Jervis appear to be buying baby stuff for their little girl, name still to be determined, and we have it on good authority that Selina and Harley are on a regular world tour as they board a plane to Spain! Last but not least on this lunchtime roundup, Harvey Dent has taken a back seat to Two Face who was spotted stomping down 4th and Superior after ditching a stolen car he crashed into a fire hydrant on the corner. I don't envy the poor bastard he's after!"<p>

* * *

><p>The poor bastard in question ended up not being home, and Two Face found himself on the wrong end of Batman's fist quite quickly. Shortly after that his butt was in an Arkham cell, something he was not happy with. His head rested against the stone wall, cool to his skin which was burning hot with rage. Maybe he needed this. Maybe he needed time to cool down. He was being irrational but in all truth, that who Two Face was. Irrational, emotional, and adrenaline fueled unlike Harvey who could spend hours debating both sides of an argument. Two Face pushed himself up off the wall and staggered over to the cot in the corner where he dropped down and let his face fall into his hands.<p>

"You couldn't leave well enough alone," Harvey grumbled from across the cell where Two Face had just been.

"Shut it," Two Face warned.

"We had a good thing going and now look where we are, back in Arkham."

"I know."

"What is Pammy going to say when she finds out?"

"Not like Petunia hasn't been here."

"This is just like you! I'm making a real go of things with Pamela and you have to go and ruin them. I love her and now I'm stuck here, away from her until we can get out."

"It's not like Arkham is inescapable. More like a revolving door."

"It's the point. I can't be happy. The second things start going good for me you come in and piss on my cheerios!"

"Damn it!" Two Face roared jumping up from his spot and flying across the room. He pinned Harvey up against the wall and brought his nose a breath away from his other half and growled "You think I don't enjoy what we got? You ain't the only one in that relationship bub. I love her just as much as you do and that's why I was going to pummel that dirt pile."

"Problem Dent?" the guard called as he inspected the strange scene.

Two Face looked back over to where Harvey had been and realized he was alone. He shook his head and went back to his cot.

* * *

><p>When Harvey hadn't returned by dinner, Ivy decided that making dinner for one was ridiculous and opted for a meal at the Iceberg. She bypassed her usual table in favor of the bar so she could converse with Holly who was beer slinging tonight.<p>

"I almost didn't recognize you without the stud muffin," Holly joked as Ivy took a seat.

"He hasn't been here has he?" Ivy asked with only a small amount of concern.

"Haven't seen Harvey in the flesh all day."

"Hmmm…"

"You haven't heard from him?"

"No and his phone isn't working."

"Worried?"

"About big bad Harv? No. More worried for the sap he's torturing."

"Where was he going earlier?"  
>"Oh Hagen's," Ivy sighed. "He has it in his head we were some kind of couple."<p>

"More like some kind of wild night in the storage closet."

Ivy glared at her.

"I'm still keeping your secret. Don't panic."

"I was in a low place ok. Don't judge me."

"Hey, I am incapable of making judgments."

"Mmmhmmm."

"Honest. Not like my record is so clean."

"Ah yes, who can forget the New Year's Eve you went home with…"

"Don't you dare say it!" Holly warned playfully.

"I wouldn't dream of it."

"Anyway, as long as you have that little piece of dirt on me, your dirt stays safe."

"Blackmail."

"I like to think of it as the sisterly code."

"Hello girls!" Roxy sang hopping up next to Ivy at the bar.

"Rocket," Ivy said curtly.

"Hey, Rox, what can I get ya?" Holly asked more friendly than Ivy.

"Hmmm…how about a Long Island Ice Tea?"

"Coming at ya."

"So, how is Ivy?"

"Not very thrilling so maybe you should bug someone else," Ivy snapped with a smile.

"You don't like me."  
>"Whatever gave you that idea?"<p>

"Why not?"

"Do you have all night?"

Holly sat the drink down on the bar. "One Long Island Ice Tea babe."

"Thanks Holl. See you around Ives." Roxy slid off the stool and headed out to the main room. "Hello Eddie."

Eddie gave a nod and a slight wave as he replaced Roxy next to Ivy. "What did she want?"

"A long Island Ice Tea," Holly answered.

"Still funnier than Joker." He leaned across the bar and gave Holly a quick kiss.

"She just ordered a drink and then left," Ivy told him. "Tried making small talk."

"Small talk you say? That fiend."

"Damn right?"

"Did you say anything to her?"

"Other than I didn't like her? No. And that isn't much of a secret."

"Why don't you like her?" Holly inquired.

"Ivy doesn't like any other women in our world. Except Harley of course, probably because the girl worships her," Eddie answered.

"You like Selina."

"Not in the beginning. Those two back in the day had some pretty dramatic standoffs."

"That is not true Eddie! I have nothing against women."

Eddie gave her the old "oh please" look.

"She just has nothing to add to our circle. She isn't a real criminal, just a ditz with a rocket."

"If you say so."

"I do!"

"So where's Harvey?"

"MIA."

"You don't know?"

"Nope."

"Aren't you worried?"

"No, not really. He'll turn up."

"In the river."

"Eddie!" Holly cried smacking her boyfriend in the arm. "That's not nice."

"I was just teasing."

Holly gave him a look and grabbed the drinks she had been pouring. "Behave while I'm gone." She sauntered down to the other end of the bar.

"I was just teasing Ivy. I'm sure Harvey is fine."

"I know he is."

"Ok."

"He's Harvey after all."

"Right."

"He can take car of himself."

"Yes. Exactly."

Ivy's fingers clenched and unclenched the hem of her short red dress and her eyes remained fixated on the bar top. "He's fine."

"Ivy." Eddie stroked her arm.

She looked up at him and faked a smile. "I'm not worried."

He stopped stroking her arm and instead threw his around her shoulders and pulled her into a hug. It was the first time Ivy had let someone hug her in public for comfort.

"Oh god, I'm scared."

"Come on. Settle up. We're going to go look for him."

"Oh, Eddie you don't…"

"I insist."

Ivy tossed some bills onto the bar and walked with Eddie out the door.

* * *

><p>She watched Eddie and Ivy crawl into a cab, a look of pure disdain danced across her face. Ivy and Holly were keeping secrets and secrets didn't make friends. She would have to find out exactly what these two were hiding because if it was worth keeping as a secret, it was worth posting on her website.<p>

* * *

><p>They started with Hagen, that's where Harvey, or Two Face rather, had been going. Ivy took a deep breath and then did her best Gordon impersonation by banging on the door with everything she had.<p>

"I'm coming," Hagen muttered. He was surprised, but not in a bad way, to find Ivy standing on his stoop. He barely even registered her companion. "Well, isn't this something."

"I'll cut to the chase because I don't want to spend a second more here than I have to, where's Harvey?" Ivy demanded.

"Haven't seen him toots."

"He was coming here and the Tipster spotted him on your street, where is he?"

"Look, Ivy, I haven't been here all day. I went over to the Stacked Deck to see about hiring some goons and then I grabbed some grub. Just got in about an hour ago and lady, Harvey wasn't here."

Ivy's heart dropped.

"Why was he coming here?"

"To kick your ass."

"Why now?"

"Oh, because he thinks we were a couple or something."

"Does he know about…uh…hahaha," he chuckled thinking about the memory.

"Oh god no."

"Wait…what?" Eddie asked.

"Nothing. Let's go." Ivy shoved Eddie into the waiting cab.

* * *

><p>Ivy didn't want to talk about it and Eddie was sure he didn't really want to know, but he dared to ask anyway. "What was Matt talking about?"<p>

"Nothing."

"Not nothing."

"Oh come on."

Ivy took a deep breath and kept her focus on the window. "I may have had a quickie with him, once, in the closet at the Iceberg."

"May have?"

"Shut up. And never tell a soul."

"I wouldn't want to."

"I mean it! It wasn't my best moment."

"Worse than Ra's?"

"I never slept with Ra's."

"Really?"

"Really. It was just an emotional thing. I don't know."

"Worse than me?"

Ivy smiled. "Much worse than you. And no offense, another one of my less than stellar moments."

"None taken. We were both having a rough night."

"Holly doesn't…"  
>"No and never shall she."<p>

"Agreed." Ivy let her hand rest on Eddie's knee and she gave it a little squeeze. Everyone in their circle had had "one of those nights". And it was only fitting they usually happened with each other. These little trysts were usually kept secret, no one wanted their less than favorable moments broadcasted.

It was years ago, two maybe three. They were in Arkham, just the two of them somehow. Perhaps Wesker had been there, Ivy couldn't remember now. She remembered the weather, rainy, chilled, just entering Autumn. She was perched on the window ledge pressed up against the glass in the common room. Her fingertips lightly stroking the cold window pane. She had thought about leaving but decided against it. Harley was curled up in Joker's lap she was sure and Harvey, well, they weren't anything real yet. Just friends…no, friendly maybe? Clearly there was something happening but she wasn't ready for it yet. Eddie had snuck up behind her.

"Lonely isn't it?" he asked.

Ivy nodded. "Strange to have the place so empty."

"All the lower levels are full though. Think they'll put us with general population?"

"God I hope not."

They never really spoke. Mostly she treated him with indifference or mild interest. This was actually nice. When he put his hand on her shoulder he expected her to push him away or get up but she didn't. She just inspected it for a second tensed a little and then relaxed under his hand. He had no idea what was going on her mind but in his he was thinking about Holly, the beautiful waitress who had stolen his heart and yet had no idea. Arkham was his refuge from her. She had found someone to occupy her time with and it broke his heart. In Ivy's mind she was running, hiding, trying to escape the feelings arising inside her for a certain disfigured super criminal.

That night, she couldn't sleep. She needed to prove to herself she wasn't falling. Ivy tiptoed down the row of cells after she had popped her lock open. Another slip of a seed and Eddie's door was open to her. He was sitting up on his cot, reading Hemmingway. He knew she was there, as silent as she had been he could just sense it in the air, smell it. Orchids, a hint of jasmine, that was always what she smelled like to him. He sat his book down and looked up at her. They didn't say anything, they didn't have to. She crossed the room in two steps and was on him. They never really kissed, it was more like a war of the tongues for dominance but it was right that way. All need, no passion. There was no emotion here. Just satisfaction of their needs. His need to forget for a minute about the country blonde beauty with the green eyes haunting his every thought and her need to run, to hide, to be wild and free.

The cab hit a bump and shook Ivy from her memories. Her hand was still on Eddie's knee. She took it back and let it rest in her lap.

* * *

><p>James Gordon wasn't sure how to handle the situation at hand. A missing persons report wasn't unusual in Gotham City it was a little strange for the commissioner of G.C.P.D. to be handling it but his secretary insisted he take the pair into his office to file the report. As he sat at his desk, across from the buxom red head and the impeccably dressed man, question mark walking stick in hand, he could see why it needed to go to him. He shuffled the necessary paperwork and pulled out a pen. "Umm…I here you would like to file a missing persons report."<p>

"Yes," Ivy answered quickly. "My…um…I guess you would call him my husband. We're not legally married, just wear the rings and live together."

"I think that would be considered a domestic partner," Eddie interjected.

"Isn't that for gay couples?"

"Only because they can't marry in most states."

Gordon watched with awe and wonderment as the strange pair debated the proper title for her missing person.

"Anyway, the point is," Ivy went on, "Harvey is missing."

"Okay, and this is Harvey Dent?"

"Yes."

"When did you last see him?"

"This morning. I know I'm supposed to wait twenty four hours but, well, it's Harvey and…"

"Right. I get it." Gordon wondered if he should pop these two in the loony bin while he had them but something in Ivy's eyes stopped him. Behind the tears she was holding back was fear. Genuine, honest to god fear. "Let me go look at something and I'll be right back." Gordon walked out of his office and approached one of the desk officers. "We get any Arkham drops today?"

"Umm…yup. Harvey Two Face Dent," the rookie answered.

"Thank you." Gordon went back to his office. "Harvey Dent was placed in Arkham today."

Ivy lit up. "He was?"

"Yup. Just confirmed it with one of my boys."

Ivy jumped up, grabbed her purse, and her travel buddy and made her way to the door. "Thanks Jim. You're a real peach!"

"Don't mention it." And after she closed the door he went on, "Ever. To anyone. They won't believe it."


	14. Wasting My Time

Author's Note: You ever text someone and realize it's the wrong number and you've texted a complete stranger so you then go on striking up a conversation with said stranger? I do that all the time.

* * *

><p>Fully furnished and overlooking the city, the villa Selina had secured was outstanding. But then again, when it came to Selina everything was so Harley wasn't surprised by their Spanish living arrangement. Harley let her fingers slide across the solid cherry oak bed frame as she examined the rest of her room. The walls were a burgundy, the floor a dark hard wood, the dressers matched the bed frame. The bed was large with a sheer black canopy that hid the sleeper from the world and on the other side of the room was the door to the terrace. The terrace door windows were stained glass so you had to actually open the doors to see the view of the city below them. The feel of the room was decidedly gothic. Wrought iron lighting fixtures adorned the walls and had a vintage feel to them. Yet it wasn't overpowering, there was an air of romanticism to the whole scheme and Harley liked it. She removed her wide brimmed black hat from her head and placed it on the bed. She wandered over to the dark wood door that lead to the adjoining bathroom. The romantic gothic theme carried over, cherry oak counters, black marble sink and large black marble tub and shower over in the corner. Harley stood in front of the mirror smoothing her hair down where the hat had pulled it free from her bun. She then ran her hands over the red leopard print cardigan, buttoning one of the buttons that came loose, and then finally smoothing down her black pencil skirt. For the smallest of seconds, she saw Harleen Quinzel there in the mirror. She shook it off, smiled wide, and skipped into the bedroom where she dove onto the bed.<p>

* * *

><p>Selina's bedroom, the master bedroom, was down the hall. The feel of her room was much more neutral and calming. It was almost like being at a spa. The walls were painted white along with the trim and door frame. The floor was a black hard wood which played well of the towering dark oak bed frame and matching doors. A small white table with a pair of chairs stood in the corner next to the bathroom door. The room was on the same side of the villa as Harley's so she too had a terrace with a view of Madrid but unlike Harley's terrace doors, Selina's windows were clear with white curtains on either side. The bathroom was an amazing little slice of spa heaven as well. The walls were white tile, the counter tops white marble along with the large tub. The sink was a glass bowl with a beautiful silver tap and the shower was set up like a sauna. Selina could already picture herself lounging around in the tub and finally getting the real vacation she dreamed of.<p>

"Whoah momma!" Harley cried walking into Selina's room, shaking her from her silent reverie.

"Nice huh?" Selina asked.

"This whole place is insane."

Selina smiled. "See Harl, this is the way we should be vacationing."

"Drinks?" a man asked offering two large margarita glasses to the girls.

"We have a butler?" Harley questioned taking the bright pink glass.

Selina grabbed the blue glass off the tray, gave a smile and nod as thanks, and said "Harley, my dear, we have a butler, a maid, and a kitchen staff."

"Wha?" Her mouth hung open in shock.

"All ours as long as we'd like."

"How exactly did you swing this?"

"The villa and staff belong to an old friend. He's going to be in Stockholm on business until November so he said we could have the place until he gets back."

"Are we really staying here all summer?"

"Oh god no. I do want to return to Gotham soon."

"And how do you know this guy?"

"An old friend."

Harley took a long slip and gave Selina the "uh huh" look.

"He is really just a friend. I did some work for him a long time ago, a little corporate espionage. He was thankful and said if I ever needed anything to call."

"If you say so."

"Oh don't give me that look." Selina slapped her playfully on the arm.

* * *

><p>"Spain?!" Joker hollered so loudly that Harley could've easily left the phone on the bed and jumped into the bathtub and still heard him. "What are you doing in Spain?"<p>

"I had a little accident in London and Selina got us a flight and place to stay in Madrid immediately," she explained.

"An accident?"

"Yeah..."

"What kind of accident?"

"Well, I kissed that girl and her mom…"

"Her mom? How old is she?"

"Well…" Harley sighed with a shrug.

"Why are you kissing girls?"

"It was an accident!"

"What you tripped and fell and miraculously your lips landed on hers?"

"I think you are the only man in the history of the world who is more angry than turned on at the thought of his girlfriend kissing another girl."

"Girlfriend?" he asked with a smirk.

"It's just an expression."

"That makes no sense."

"Quit dwelling on the details. Look, I called you didn't I to tell you I was in Spain?"  
>"The Tipster slipped it before you did."<p>

"Well that's not my fault. I was kind of stuck on a flight."

Joker grunted.

"Ok, you know what, forget this. I'm in Madrid. You want to talk, you can come here and see me."

"Go ahead and hold your breath."

"Bye." Harley stabbed the end button with pointer finger and angrily tossed the phone onto the little bedside table. She wasn't going to give in. This was her game. She was in control. Yet, as much as she repeated this to herself she couldn't help but feel like she was losing.

* * *

><p>Breakfast with Barbara and Dick to make up for the other night's dinner fiasco had been Bruce's idea after making amends with Dick. He knew that if he ever wanted Oracle back, he had to apologize profusely to Barbara. He hated nothing more than having to admit he was wrong, especially to Barbara, even though she was always right. Having it at the mansion was supposed to cut back on the tension but as he sat at the kitchen table with Tim, Dick, and Barbara, Bruce Wayne never felt more uncomfortable in his own home. Small talk was muttered from person to person as Alfred prepared plates silently, not wishing to get involved much should the tide turn unfavorable.<p>

As Tim stuffed his face with his second plate of pancakes, he decided to break the monotony of the situation. "So, Bruce, how was patrol without Oracle?"

Bruce shot him a glare that clearly channeled Batman and would send most thugs running but only caused the boy to smile wider.

"Yeah Bruce, how was last night?" Barbara questioned with a self satisfied smirk.

"You all forget I was in this game before you and I am perfectly capable…"

While he wasn't looking to get involved, Alfred was also not about to let Hurricane Wayne ruin this breakfast. He strolled over to the table to refill coffee cups and smacked his employer on the back of the head to interrupt his questionable train of thought.

"Ow," Bruce muttered rubbing his skull.

"Sorry sir, it was a fly," Alfred lied.

"Thank you?" Bruce muttered half questioned knowing full well his oldest friend was full of it. He recognized the gesture all the same and back tracked. "Look, Barbara, I am very sorry for the other night. My behavior was less than admirable and certainly not very adult."

"I appreciate the apology."

"I also plan on calling your father later and apologizing to him as well."

"Thank you."

"Forgive me?"

"Nope."

Dick dropped his fork onto his plate so he could free his hands to bury his face in them. Tim stuffed more pancakes in his mouth fully enjoying the thought of the hoops Barbara was going to make Bruce jump through.

"You're not going to make this easy are you?" Bruce asked knowing full well the answer.

"Not by a long shot boss."

"Your demands?"

"I want the wedding here."

"No way."

"My demands are non negotiable. The wedding is here."

"As I stated before, I was doing just fine on my own long before you and I can do this without you again."

"If I go I take the Oracle set up with me."

"Damn."

Barbara smirked.

"I'll buy you whatever wedding dress you want," Bruce counter-offered.

"The manor."

"The dress and I get you the best wedding planner in Gotham."

"The manor."

"A cake by that guy from Cake Boss, the dress, the planner."

"The manor."

"A honeymoon wherever you want along with the other offers."

"The manor Bruce."

"Do you realize how much work goes into keeping the cave secret during parties? People wander and the caterers are always poking around, plus the security just for the manor, and weddings require days of setup…"

"The manor."

Bruce took several deep breaths. She wasn't going to concede. She was just as stubborn as he was if not more. "I'm not going to win am I?"

"Not a snowball's chance in hell."

"Fine. The manor."

Barbara's smirk became a full blown smile.

"Change of subject?" Bruce offered ready to move on before she thought of something else she wanted.

"So Harley and Selina are in Spain," Tim jumped in.

"Tell me you're not still hung up on her bro," Dick moaned.

"I was never hung up on Harley! Geeze! Why does everyone think this?"

"Because your face is about as red as her costume whenever someone brings her up," Barbara replied.

"Whatever!"

"What about Stephanie?" Bruce asked.

"What about her?"

"Isn't she your girlfriend?"

"What?! No!"

"I thought…"

"Change of subject!" Tim demanded.

"Not so fun when it's your love life on the table is it bro?" Dick teased.

"I don't have a love life! Stephanie is my friend. Harley Quinn is a psychopath obsessed with a mass murdering clown. That's it."

"A psychopath obsessed with a mass murdering clown who calls you Timmy and kisses your cheek," Dick went on.

"No, we're done. On to Bruce's relationship with Selina."

"Or lack there of," Bruce countered.

"Oh please!" Barbara snapped. "You two are like the never ending story."

"I haven't even talked to her."

"Bull," Alfred let slip.

"Hey, peanut gallery, cork it!" Bruce warned.

"Sorry sir."

"No you're not."

Alfred poured himself a cup of tea and chose to remain quiet.

"I talked to her a couple times," he admitted.

"And?" Dick prodded.

"I told her I missed her."

Stunned silence filled the kitchen. Never before had Bruce Wayne made such an honest admission, at least not one he'd admit to.

Barbara broke first with a silly smile and tear filled eyes. "Oh my god! I am so proud of you."

"Lets all not get carried away."

"You know what this means don't you?" Dick asked.

"I have to change the locks on the door so you guys can't get back in after I kick you out in a second."

"Quit deflecting," Dick warned. "You need to go see her."

"Ok, saddle up the plane. I'm going to Madrid! And then when I land I can dance the meringue with the Joker while pigs fly out my ass."

"Hey! You danced with the Joker that one time."

"I got caught on the dance floor of the Iceberg once and he twirled me. I would not call that dancing with the Joker. None of this is here nor there. I can't just go to Madrid. I have responsibilities."

"Responsibilities," Dick scoffed. "We can handle Gotham for a couple of days while you're gone. You've left before and the city was still here when you got back."

"What about Tim?"

"What about me?"

"What am I supposed to do with him while I'm gone?"

"I think Alfred is fully capable of watching him while you're gone," Dick replied.

"Why are we talking about me like I'm a cocker spaniel?" Tim asked.

"I can't ask Alfred to take care of Tim. He's my responsibility."

"I am not a pet! I am a real boy and I am sitting right here."

"Please," Alfred grunted. "I take care of the boy anyway and you as well."

"Ok, granted, you feed him and do all his laundry and what not but I help with homework…"

"Not really…"

"Listen to his problems…"

"You tell me to man up…"

"Shuttle him around…."

"You left me at the mall last week…"

"And handle all his training."

"It might be nice to have a break from that."

"I'm more than capable of handling the homework, the problems, and my title does include chauffeur. As for training, Master Dick can oversee that."

"It's not only that there's also…"

"Look," Dick interrupted, "you are going to find 101 reasons to stay here, it's what you do. So let's just cut the crap and get you on a plane because there is no excuse, no scenario that we can't handle."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Poison Ivy, PMS, no Brownie Batter Ben and Jerry's."

"Damn!"

* * *

><p>Selina had decided to keep her phone off for the day. She wanted to enjoy the scenery and the house before she had to let reality come crashing down around her. But what was so bad about reality? She had admitted that she missed Bruce Wayne and she did. There was no lie to it. She missed talking to him, holding him, being held by him, hearing him whisper I love you as they lay in bed and he was sure she was fast asleep. She missed rooftop chases, the witty banter, one liners that he missed or glossed over. She even missed the fighting, both physical and verbal. But no admission, no matter how great, could change who they were, what they are. She could go back to Gotham. She could jump into Bruce Wayne's waiting arms. Things would be amazing for awhile just as they had been when the masks first came off. But something would come up, plans would get canceled once, twice, every night. Beds would remain empty in favor of all nighters in the cave, she would start to resent things, first the city, his family, him, and finally herself for waiting around like a lap dog. That resentment would turn into hatred. She would lash out at whatever she could, mostly him. Words would be said that once put out there, would never be able to be taken back. And though they would apologize, those words would still hang in the air between them, haunting them until the next fight where they would be rehashed. He would never leave her because that would be admitting he was wrong and Bruce Wayne, Batman, was never wrong. He would hang on for dear life and she'd have to end it again and suffer the nightmares of the hurt look in his eyes. It would break his heart again, and a man who has suffered so much already shouldn't have to suffer the same heart break again and again. He'd mourn, she'd suppress. Time would pass. They might date other people mostly for appearances. Something would happen, something silly, it would bring them together and they'd be amicable, polite. That would lead to more conversations, each one becoming friendlier until they were back to this moment, starting the cycle all over again.<p>

Was it all worth it? Were the happier times together worth all the agony? Selina had always worked under the assumption that Harley was a masochist. No one could suffer that much pain, physical and emotional, without enjoying it. She must admit, she judged her little blonde friend for it. She couldn't figure out why someone so smart, so beautiful, and so full of promise had allowed herself to be tethered to such a beast. But now here, in the solace of her own mind, Selina admitted that maybe she wasn't so different. Bruce was no Joker of course, he didn't relish in the pain he caused her, but he did cause her pain. Like it or not, when they were together he was in control of their relationship. It was he who decided if they succeeded or not, and it was all unintentional. It had always been that way. Batman Catwoman. Bruce Selina. It didn't matter. He was the master. And no matter how many times he rejected her, pushed her away, cast her out, broke her heart, beat her down, she always came back looking for more. She may have yelled the safety word but Bruce had brought her to that point.

Could she change her situation? Would it work if she somehow flipped the tables? Harley was sure making a go of that. How long would it last though? If Joker suddenly stopped playing the game would his slave come crawling back? If Selina decided to take the reigns would Bruce just walk away? And what was worse? Becoming fully invested getting left or getting fully invested and leaving? Something told her it didn't matter. The pain was there one way or another. And the pain was there now. A dull ache in her chest where her heart resided. It was less than yesterday which was less than the day before that and so on and maybe one day it wouldn't ache at all. That was the only real thing stopping her from jumping back on the carousel, the promise of the pain going away. It was also the major factor calling her back. If the pain went away, then what? Fear of the unknown was certainly worse than the fear of what she knew would come. What would happen when she no longer felt the remnants of what they had? When the ghosts finally were laid to rest? Would she forget him? Would the memories of what they had, hold no emotion at all? That thought scared her most. That along with forgetting the hurt she would forget the love and that he would do the same and would then be nothing more than adversaries or worse, two people who had once been acquainted and now talked about the weather when forced into mutual social situations. The aristocratic dead like all the other chumps who surrounded them in his world. Her knees became weak with the thought and she had to take a seat on the bed to keep from collapsing. Perhaps that would be the worst pain of all, the pain of forgetting. And was that pain not appealing to her? The deep wound of being plastic and fake. I'm fine without you, I promise, please ignore the tears. Hadn't that been the charade she had been putting on? Suddenly all of her thoughts had become so convoluted she couldn't tell them apart or make sense of any of them.

The air was becoming thin, the walls closing in on her. The feeling of being buried alive was too much for her to bare and she stumbled over to the terrace, throwing open the doors and gasping for fresh air. She knew better though. She knew the smothering feeling would return again and that this was just a momentary reprieve from her thoughts. What Selina didn't know however, was how to make it stop. Would giving into Bruce silence all her fears and worries or just bring about more? As she sat there, on her knees on the terrace floor, griping the door handle for dear life while panting for all the air she could get, Selina tried to silence the many questions reeling in her mind.

The sudden sensation of someone's hand on her shoulder brought Selina back to Earth. She looked up to see Harley, a concerned but understanding look on her face, standing above her. She didn't have to ask, she already knew why her friend was in such a state. When you've been there, you just know.

* * *

><p>Muggings, street thugs, minor gang activity. Boring. Batman grimaced as he went through the previous evening's notes. When was life going to get back to normal? He paused for a moment and thought about what he had just asked himself. Normal was crazed psychopaths out for his blood, how disturbing was that? And isn't this what he wanted? A city with no crime? Starting out, all he had was the lesser street criminals and the mob to contend with. He created the Rogues. He brought them out into the world. Maybe that was what was really bothering him, he gave them life but they were extinguishing it on their own. Batman wasn't taking them out of commission, they were leaving the life themselves. How narcissistic was he? Was he always this way? Batman grunted with minor disgust. He didn't like this thought process much. He should be happy his streets were safe, happy that mass murder wasn't on the menu, happy that they had found happiness. No. No, they didn't deserve happiness. They deserved punishment. Lifetimes in the asylum, prison not freedom out on the streets starting families and having their little get togethers like they were normal. The citizens of Gotham who worked for a living struggled to make themselves what they are, abided by the law, they deserved happiness. People like his parents. People like his adopted family. People like him. Bruce Wayne deserved to be happy.<p>

The last time he felt true happiness was when his parents were alive. He was starting to feel it again with Selina. Nights spent tossing and turning were a thing of the past in her arms. Her smile reassured him, everything was going to be not just alright but great, amazing. The cold that filled the mansion melted into a warmth so great you would've sworn the sun itself was in the library. Had he ever told her that? Had he actually ever said "You make everything better. You make me happy," had it even been implied?

Nightwing strolled over to the computer area of the cave. He was met with silence and it didn't take long for him to realize his mentor was deep in thought and judging by last night's logs, it wasn't Batman-related. Wing stepped up to the large glowing screen and placed an envelope on the empty space on the desk next to Batman's hand.

The sight of Nightwing's hand in his peripheral brought Batman out of his thoughts. He picked up the unassuming white envelope and momentarily cursed himself for hoping it was a Riddler clue of some sort. He opened it and pulled out a plane ticket.

"You're welcome!" Nightwing called with a wave as he headed over to the garage.

"What is this?" Batman yelled after him.

"A nonrefundable ticket to Madrid on the red eye paid with Bruce Wayne's Visa."

"What about…"

"Got it covered," Robin beamed holding up a pint of Ben and Jerry's and then placing it into a cooler they usually reserved for handling Freeze paraphernalia.

"You're good to go boss," Oracle chirped over the com. "Wheels up in an hour."

"Very crafty. I'm still not going."

"Yes you are. Now don't make an ass of yourself by being wrong so many times in one day."

"I have to pack."

Alfred, who had snuck down into the cave during all the arguing, marched right over to his employer and handed him two suitcases and a shoulder bag. "I included your laptop sir."

"I hate it when you guys get Alfred in on your little schemes."  
>"Get him in on it?" Nightwing scoffed. "He's the one who organized it."<p>

Batman snatched the baggage from his butler without another word but plenty of glaring.

"Look at me that way all you'd like sir. Doesn't have me shaking in my boots." Alfred turned on his heel and walked confidently with an air of self satisfaction right out of the cave.

* * *

><p>Selina heard the pounding at the front door and it took her a minute to remember she was in Spain, not Gotham, and there was no reason to jump out of bed and then out the window, GCPD was not here. She rolled over to examine the time and hoped that whoever it was got struck by lightning for waking her up at such an ungodly early hour. Ok so it was nearly 9:00 am, not so early. She allowed her eyes to close again when she heard the maid's shoes clacking against the marble floor of the foyer alerting her that the door was indeed being taken care of.<p>

She pulled the stuffed pink bunny closer to her, on loan from Harley's extensive toy collection that she had brought with her and littered the bed they were both occupying at the moment. Harley of course hadn't stirred at the pounding on the door. Selina had come to the realization that short of a bomb exploding next to her blonde little head, nothing could wake Harley. Perhaps that was the trade off for living with the Joker, uninterrupted blissful sleep.

* * *

><p>Joker grumbled and bitched under his breath as he lugged his suitcase up the hill. It was getting close to 9:00 am he guessed and he had started this hike about an hour ago. He should've taken a cab but oh no, the locals assured him, it's a nice walk. Kill the locals. He must kill the people of Madrid Spain. They were far too stupid to live. He could see his destination, it wasn't that far. Another fifteen minutes tops. It was the point of the matter though. He had no clue what the point was. "I hate this country," he spat for the millionth time.<p>

"I hate this country. I hate that bitch at the shop who told me to walk. I hate Harley Quinn," he ranted. "When I get up there I am going to grab her by her bleached out hair and smack her. Then I'm going to throw her up against the wall and…and…well…" Joker smiled mischievously to himself. "That part I want to be a surprise." Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. This train of thought gave him a renewed burst of energy and his last fifteen minutes turned into only a few and he was at his destination.

* * *

><p>Selina was on the verge of it, the cusp on that sweet nothingness that was sleep when the knocking returned, only this time it wasn't the front door but the bedroom door. "No," she moaned smashing a pillow down onto her face. "No!"<p>

The knocking continued. "Miss Kyle? Miss Quinn?"

"Sleeping!" Selina called back to the maid.

"You have a visitor."

"Tell them to come back later." She could hear the maid shift uncomfortably outside the door. "Ugh!" She pulled the blanket back but Harley stopped her with an arm across the chest.

"I'll go," Harley muttered getting up.

"You're a peach."

"Can I be a coconut?"

"Hell you can be whatever you want."

Harley pulled the pink fluffy bathrobe off the inside of the bathroom door, put it on, and half stumbled half dragged herself out of the room, down the stairs, and into the sitting room where the maid had said the guest was waiting. Her eyes went wide and her mouth hung open in sheer surprise of the figure occupying the royal blue couch in the formal sitting room. "What are you doing here?"


	15. Disenchanted

Author's Note: Bet you're wondering what the hell is up with the title change. Truth be told, I was never committed to the other title. I just needed something with the word love in it and that was the first one that popped into my mind and I swore if I found something else I'd switch. Well, Let Love Lead The Way (Spice Girls) popped up on my playlist today and I immediately decided a switch was in order. No secret, I love Spice Girls. Why have love in the title at all? Another good question, while this started out as nothing more than a one story drabble, it evolved and the main theme is love so I wanted all the stories to be obviously connected in title without part 1, 2, etc.

* * *

><p>Once again, Selina found herself on the very edge of sleep. Her mind was becoming hazy, the sound from down stairs distant, the small amount of light permeating the heavy stained glass doors dim, when suddenly, there it was, a noise that couldn't be ignored, her phone. She could hit the ignore button, give a mental fuck off to whoever was bothering her, but it wasn't her way and she knew, no one called Selina Catwoman Kyle for no reason. It was usually an emergency or at the very least, important.<p>

Her delicate fingers grasped the offending hunk of plastic and pulled it over to her face while hitting the talk button at the same time. "Hello."

"I always seem to be waking you," Bruce laughed.

"It's ok."

"Well that's good because…"

* * *

><p>Joker pounded with all his strength at the heavy wooden door in front of him. He was officially out of patience for this game they had been playing. Harley Quinn was either coming home to Gotham with him or coming home to Gotham in a wood box. At this point, he wasn't really partial to either option. A middle aged Spanish woman with her wavy dark brown hair pulled back into a low ponytail and dressed in a blue maid's uniform answered the door.<p>

She clearly recognized he wasn't from the area and asked "Can I help you?"

"I'm looking for Harley."

"Who?"

"Harley Quinn, she's supposed to be staying here with Selina Kyle."

The maid made a face that implied she didn't understand and that's when Joker noticed the name of the street on the sign across from him, Scilla Hispanica West.

"Scilla Hispnaica East?" he asked fearing the answer.

"Oh, East is the hill next to us."

Joker looked over at the larger hill next door. He felt the tears filling his eyes. "No."

"You walk up here?"

"Yes," he whined.

"Why would you do such a foolish thing?"

"The woman…she…I…ung!"

"I do not understand."

"It's alright. I need to go."

"I call you a cab."

"Oh thank you merciful woman."

* * *

><p>Selina flew down the stairs, hair still in disarray from slumber, clothes were whatever she found first which led to her wearing a pair of red shorts and a white t-shirt with a blonde cartoon girl on it, both courtesy of Harley Quinn. The black heels she sported were her own. "Harley I have to go. Bruce is here and kind of stuck at the airport!" she called rushing passed the sitting room where a very uncomfortable looking Harley sat with their guest.<p>

"Um…ah…Selina, you might want to come in here for a sec," Harley said nervously.

"Harley not now, I told Bruce I would…what the hell?!" she cried stopping to take in the scene. There, on their borrowed couch in their borrowed house was the not borrowed Amara.

"Hey Lina!" Amara squealed.

"What the hell is she…"

"I don't know!" Harley cried out.

"I saw you were in Madrid and after talking to the Tipster she told me you were staying at this house."

Selina pinched the bridge of her nose and fought off the urge to shake the girl. "It's lucky for you I'm on my way to the airport. Get in the car."

"What? Why?"

"You can't stay here dear."

"But I ran away and…"

"I don't care if your mom put you on the plane! You can't stay with us."

"Why not?"

"Because!"

"Good argument," Harley replied sarcastically.

"Could you help me instead of making fun of me?" Selina asked.

"I've been trying but she ain't budging."

"I won't be any trouble," Amara begged.

"No, I'm sure you won't be but we will. We've been nothing but trouble the moment the cruise ship left Gotham! We aren't stable, we don't have a plan, and this entire trip has been a fly by the seat of our pants experience which isn't a good thing when it comes to kids."

"I'm not a kid!"

"Ugh!" Selina threw her arms up in exasperation. "I don't have time for this, I have to get Bruce. And you know what, he might actually be of some help here. God knows he's had his run-ins with teenagers." She shook her head and started for the door again. "No one leaves the house while I'm gone, do we understand?"

"Ma'am yes ma'am!" Harley replied with a salute.

"Don't call me ma'am! I'm not that old."

* * *

><p>Ivy was almost horrified at how easy it was to break into Arkham Asylum through the laundry room, steal a nurse's uniform, and walk about the halls like she was really an employee. No one questioned her, no one suspected a thing. Security guards smiled, nodded, waved. Doctors eyed her as she walked by, not breaking their conversation to bother with a hello to someone as lowly as a nurse, it was practically their greeting. Other nurses gave her the once over and then quickly made up stories and threw out insults behind her back to the other nurses in the area. Perhaps next time she was locked up she would just strut out the front door with a promise of she'd be back after Pilates. The orderlies however, might be a different story. They were the ones who got the most up close and personal time with the animals in the cages and they might be the ones to blow the whistle on her but she was sure her pheromones would keep them in check. Unlike Harvey, who just shook them off like a fly.<p>

Her quick footsteps became angry stomps as she approached Harvey's cell. She wasn't mad that he got busted, how could she? They'd all done their time. She didn't even care that he didn't call, how could he? She didn't know why she was mad at all truth be told, but mad she was. Ivy's little fist tapped quickly at the glass, matching the pace of her foot tapping on the stone floor.

Harvey sat up on his cot and rubbed the sleep from his tired eyes. What else did he have to do in Arkham but sleep? Common room held no entertainment, there was no one there. After his eyes adjusted to the sudden light, he registered the angry little nurse was really his angry little woman. "Pammy?"

"Do you have any idea how worried I was? I went to Gordon!" she snapped.

"What in the hell are you talking about?" Harvey was not awake enough for this.

Ivy sighed and rested her forehead up against the glass separating them. "I was scared that something had really happened to you."

"Like what?"

"I don't know. You were going after Matt and then…"

"Matt? We call him Matt now?"

"Oh Harvey please don't start that! I'm pouring my heat out to you about how worried I was about your well being, how I loved you so much I couldn't eat not knowing where you were, and you're bringing up Matt Hagan!"

"You're right, I'm sorry Pammy." Harvey got up off the cot and walked over to the glass where he placed his own forehead up against hers. "I missed you. And I was losing it over not being able to talk to you."

"It's alright."

"Tipster tell ya where I was?"

"No, like I said, I went to Gordon."

"Gordon?"

"Yes. Eddie and I looked everywhere and when we couldn't find you we went to Gordon who kindly told me you had been picked up by Batman."

"Wait, you and Eddie?"

"Yes he was at the Iceberg and he offered to help me look. Don't tell me you are going to go beat the snot of Eddie. You can't get jealous of every guy I'm friends with and you never had a problem with him before."

Harvey grunted.

"If you want to be a jerk you can be one in here, if you want to be the nice guy I know you to be then I can let you out," Ivy teased holding the keys up in front of his face.

"You little minx," Harvey laughed.

"Play nice?"

"Depends, you take that nurse's uniform home I won't be able to play nice," he leered.

"Such romantic things you say."

"Pammy," Harvey growled.

Ivy unlocked the door and as Harvey stepped out, slapped a pair of handcuffs on him. "Sorry dear, have to keep up the nurse charade.

"Can't you just pheromone the place?"

"No because the last time I did that Dr. Arkham tried to take me home."

"Don't want that."

"God no."

* * *

><p>Harley wasn't about to let their unexpected guest detour her from breakfast. They sat down at the dining room table where the chef had laid out quite the amazing spread. Everything from fresh fruits to baked goods stretched across the banquet style table. She grabbed a plate and heaped on it some strawberries, a muffin, and a few bananas. Amara did the same, not waiting for an invitation to eat. Harley eyed the girl as she picked apart a blueberry muffin and ate the little pieces. She didn't know much about kids, and less about teenagers but she did know that when she was the girl's age, she was rather wild as well. It didn't matter what you told her, she would go out of her way to do the opposite, anything to infuriate her mother or just get some attention from the woman.<p>

"When I was your age, I could've run away to Spain and the only thing my mother would've done is criticize me for not choosing somewhere better," Harley said not really looking for any response. "That's all she ever did, criticize me. Nothing I ever did was good enough. Grades weren't high enough, routine on the balance beam wasn't a perfect 10, the boys I brought home weren't worth my time. My full ride scholarship to Gotham University should've been a full ride to Yale but I was too stupid to make the grades for a school like that, or at least that's what she said to me. I never really wanted to be a psychiatrist but I thought if I did what I really wanted, which was write and draw, and I failed she would be merciless. I was so scared of disappointing my mother that I never had the courage to be who I wanted. You can't fail at being a psychiatrist really and I've always been good at reading people." She popped a piece of her muffin in her mouth and kept her focus on the table instead of looking up at Amara. "When I got to college I had a mental breakdown. I was striving so hard to be the best student, the best gymnast, the best everything I ended up becoming the worst. I was so far behind in my classes I couldn't get it together so when one of my professors offered to tutor me I jumped at the chance and when, in his office after hours for our tutoring session, he suggested I take my clothes off I only protested for a second but my mother's criticism at my failing grades was so loud in my head I was willing to do anything to make it stop. I spent the next years trading…favors for grades. And I thought she would be proud when I beat out the rest of my class for the residency at Arkham but she just scoffed at me. It may have been the best facility in the area but not the country.

I was an adult, totally terrified of my mother willing to do anything for a kind word. Those kind words came from a psychopath. I was easy pickings for Joker and I'm not going to debate with you whether or not he really loved me then, that's something I'll never know. I'm not even sure if he really knows. But I fell, hard, because he treated me with a shower if affection I was missing all my life. And maybe that sounds a little like the makings of an Electra complex and maybe it is but I'm no Freudian so I don't really care. I never had a daddy therefore I date older men who can offer me fatherly affection, whatever. As you can guess, running off to join the madman's circus didn't please my mother either but the now I no longer cared because I had the love of someone and I didn't have to bend over backward to get it. It was there, unconditionally, at least in my mind. And I know what you're thinking, what does this have to do with anything? There is a point to all of this I promise. My grandmother did the same thing to my mother growing up and I'm sure her mother did the same to her and so on. And maybe it was her way of showing me she cared but I really just think she wanted to torture someone else the way she had been. She wanted to feel better by bringing someone else down. I don't think I heard her say I love you once, at least without a but or an except at the end.

"I knew your mother all of two days, only saw her with you once. But I didn't have to be around you both more than that to know she was damn proud of you. You could see it, in her eyes, the moment you walked in. And I could see the sheer ferocity of which she would use to protect you when she tossed me out the door. She loves you. She loves you and you ran away." Here she looked up and caught Amara's eyes. "My mother couldn't even stomach having dinner with me the last time I saw her."

"I'm sorry," Amara slightly whispered.

"Don't be sorry for me. Be sorry for you. You're the one wasting your time."

* * *

><p>Harvey claimed he was in desperate need of a beverage and Ivy was so happy to have him back she agreed a trip to the Iceberg would be fine. Walking into the Iceberg, they looked like a couple at a costume party since they never bothered to change clothes after their daring escape. Harvey claimed a barstool while Ivy made a trip to the ladies room.<p>

"Look whose back!" Eddie chirped taking a seat to Harvey's right.

"Yup, Ivy sprung me."

"Quite a woman you have there."

"Don't I know it."

"Well, good to see you out and about. I hope you're putting the Matt Hagen business behind"

"Yeah. I don't know what came over me. Whatever Ivy did or didn't do is none of my business. And don't worry, Two Face is back in the cage so you're safe."

"Oh?" Eddie questioned.

"Ivy told me all about you and her. I'm not going to jump into a jealous rage."

"She told you?" Eddie sputtered in disbelief.

"At first I was a little grumpy about it but she talked me down."

"I see. I would still appreciate it if nothing was mentioned to Holly."

"Ed, you can't go around keeping secrets like this. It's ridiculous."

"I don't hardly think so! My one nighter with Ivy isn't exactly something I want going around."

"What?!" Harvey roared.

"Well don't get me wrong Harvey, Pamela is quite an amazing woman and certainly a more than adequate lover but it just sounds so cheap and tawdry when you say you had a one night stand in Arkham Asylum with Poison Ivy."

Eddie never registered the hands gripping his frail body and it wasn't until he was staring at the ceiling of the ladies' room with the remnants of the door around him and the muffled screams of a few women that he was even aware he had left his bar stool.

Ivy was kneeling beside him, and frantically calling "Eddie!" as she cradled his head and examined his body for damage.

Holly joined the red head on the floor crying hysterically "Is he ok?"

"Holly?" Eddie asked in his daze.

"I'm right here."

"Why are you in Arkham?"

Holly looked down at Ivy's uniform and realized he was completely out of it. "We're at the Iceberg baby. Harvey threw you across the room."

"What the hell is going on?" Oswald screeched.

Harvey appeared in the door, or where the door had been, shaking with rage. "You're boyfriend fucked my wife," he said with a straight face and calm voice.

"What?" Holly asked. There was so much happening she couldn't process any of it.

Harvey pulled the band he had bought for himself off his finger. He studied the small silver ring and remembered the absolute all consuming fear he felt when he had given it to Ivy. He wanted her to know he was in it forever, that he loved her unconditionally. That was before such an ugly condition confronted him. He tossed it onto Eddie's chest and silently left.

Ivy picked the ring up and clutched it to her chest. She refused to cry. She refused to let people feel pity for her. Right now she would help Holly get Eddie to a hospital and worry about the rest later.

* * *

><p>Harley was alone on the back patio next to the pool when Selina and Bruce arrived. She leafed through a copy of Spanish Vogue, sipping lemonade. When she heard Selina's footsteps she looked up and greeted them with a smile.<p>

"Where's your friend?" Selina asked.

"In a cab on the way to the airport."

"How did you manage that?"

"It's a secret."

"Can you take care of my teenager?" Bruce joked.

"Timmy? Oh Timmy is the sweetest!"

"Their mutual affection worries me."

* * *

><p>The first thing Eddie registered when he woke up was horrible agonizing pain. The second thing was the familiar red headed beauty in the chair next to him. He looked around the room and it took a second longer than usual for him to put two and two together, he was in a hospital room. He slowly, carefully, turned his head sideways to face Ivy. "I hurt, everywhere."<p>

"You were thrown through a rather heavy wood door by a behemoth," she replied.

"I vaguely remember that."

"Broken ribs, dislocated shoulder, a wrist fracture, and a mild concussion. You shouldn't have been sleeping but they figured with as many as you've suffered you were probably fine. We're just lucky the doctors on call could be bought off not to call the police."

He didn't want to ask but he knew they'd have to get to it eventually and he figured no time better than when nothing could surpass the physical pain he was in. "Holly?"

"She didn't want to wait for you to come to so she asked me to tell her the story and I wasn't going to lie Eddie, I couldn't. Not to her. I told her it was forever ago and it was one night and it meant nothing at all to either of us and to be honest I think she knows that. Right now it's just the hurt of being lied to."

"And Harvey?"

Ivy finally looked up from her lap and Eddie could see the angry red eyes she had been hiding. "That…that is another story completely." She held the ring up in her fingers.

"Ivy I…"

She held up a hand to silence him. "Don't be sorry Eddie. This is not your fault."

"He said you told him about…and I assumed…"

"Eventually he would find out about this, and eventually he will know about Matt and that bad choice I made that night and it doesn't matter if I told him up front or waited till he was on his death bed, he would be angry. Harvey isn't like me. He's above bad nights and primal urges."

"What are you going to do?"

"For now I'm going to take care of you and after a couple of days I'll try my hand at talking to him."

As sore as he was, Eddie reached out and grabbed her hand and she had to admit, she was thankful for the reassurance.


	16. Viva Forever

Author's Note: Twizzlers make for a happy writer. Also my flashbacks are all in _italics _to avoid confusion.

* * *

><p>Harley watched from her balcony, Selina and Bruce walking down the path to the meadow not far from the house. They looked happy. Selina, with her wild hair pinned carelessly up and away from her face, in her white cotton sundress, and white jeweled sandals, walked ahead of him and backward so she could talk. Her hands gestured wildly as she told some fantastic tale, her smile dominating her face. He was laughing, hands in his khaki pockets, white button up shirt untucked and the first few buttons left undone. Harley decided they looked almost like teenagers. All the worry and sadness Selina had been holding seemed to just disappear from her and all she had left was pure joy. Bruce looked better than she had seen him recently as well. She couldn't help but wonder how long it would last.<p>

She wished she could freeze this moment for them, let them relive this day over and over so nothing ever had to end, she couldn't. She couldn't stop time for them no more than she could for herself and while she was jealous of Selina for having the fairytale day she so desperately wanted, she also felt pure joy and the sight of her friend's smile. Selina gave Harley a wave and she and Bruce disappeared behind the trees.

Harley rested her arm on the metal ornate railing of the balcony and looked down at the beautiful garden under her. The warm breeze pushed her long pink skirt around her legs and blew her hair, held back by a bright pink headband, slightly free of its captor. Her free hand played with the strings that laced the front of her white tank top. She could smell the roses below her. Roses, a flower she didn't appreciate until she met Joker. To her they always seemed like the easy out. Need something romantic? Buy roses. He didn't make them that way. They meant something when they came from him. Red roses for love, beauty, courage, respect, passion. Red to match her lips which he imagined were as soft at the petals themselves, or so he told her. Their one year anniversary, something which she had forgotten at the time, he'd given her roses as well…

* * *

><p><em>"Red for desire, deep red for deep passion, lavender for love at first sight, white for everlasting love, and black for the beginning of new things," Joker explained as Harley marveled over the rainbow bouquet. "When I met you I gave you a single red rose, red roses always stand for love but a single red rose is love at first sight. Did you know that the number of roses holds a meaning?"<em>

_Harley shook her head and counted the roses in her rainbow bouquet, "What does 10 mean?"_

_"You are pretty."_

_She smiled._

_Joker escorted her out of the makeshift dining room of their hideout and into their bedroom. When he opened the door Harley was shocked and elated to see a room full of rainbow roses. "You can count them or take my word that there are 1001."_

_"1001 roses?!" Harley cried clapping her hands together._

_"Including the ones in your bouquet you hold, yes."_

_"This is…wow!"_

_"Care to know what 1001 roses means?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Speak of a faithful love that will live on forever." She turned to face him, tears filling her eyes. Joker placed his hands on her hips and kissed her forehead. "Ever thine. Ever mine. Ever ours."_

* * *

><p>It was just a grassy clearing in the cluster of trees just off the property but it was secluded and private, everything Selina wanted. She broke into a sprint upon reaching the field's edge and when she got to the center she dropped down and flopped onto her back, fully cloaked by the grass. Had she not thrust an arm up into the air, Bruce may have lost her. He ambled leisurely to her outstretched arm.<p>

"You look like a kid," he remarked staring down at her.

"Join me." It wasn't quite a demand, there was no real order to it, and yet she clearly wasn't requesting his company on the ground.

"Down there?"

"Afraid of grass stains? I'm sure Alfred knows how to get them out."

"I'm sure he does."

"Well then?"

"I'm old remember? I might not ever get back up."

Taking matters into her own hands, Selina slowly and ever so carefully snaked her leg behind his and with one swoop, took him out at the ankles causing him to fall to the ground in a heap. Bruce rolled over on his side to face her, an irritated smirk on his face which caused Selina to lose herself in a fit of hysterics.

"You're always laughing at me," he grumbled.

"Can't help it, you're so funny."

"You are the only one from your world who finds me funny."

"They just don't have a sense of humor like mine."

"I'm thankful otherwise my whole shtick wouldn't work."

Selina rolled her eyes. "So what brings you to Spain?"

"The rain."

"Ugh!" She gave him a good push and he fell over. "Jerk."

"You! I came to see you."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, I didn't want to leave it where we did on the phone and I was going to call but…well…I decided…no, that's a lie and I don't want to lie when it comes to us. Dick and Barbara thought I should come see you. Talk to you in person and lay it all out there. I protested, I argued, but in the end they charged a nonrefundable ticket to my visa and practically drove me to the airport."

"Some story," she grunted more than a little annoyed he was only here because of a nonrefundable ticket.

"I came didn't I?"

"Let me get your gold star," she spat.

"Selina, don't be like that. Look, I wanted to come. I did. A plane ticket wouldn't exactly break my bank. I just needed the push."

"I'm not enough to pull you to Madrid you need to be pushed?"

"No…." Bruce fumbled but the more he tried to come up with something pleasant to tell her the more he realized that once again, the truth was the best option. "No, Selina you're not enough to pull me out here. I miss the hell out of you. I have since you walked out of the cave and I love you. I love you so damn much it's unreal and that love will never fade and I will miss you until I have you again or until I die. But you don't give me much to go on. I spent our relationship pulling teeth just to get you to open up. I shared my life with you and you couldn't even share you're hometown with me. I took you to my parents' graves on the anniversary of their death, I don't let Alfred even come with me. And I know, I know I wasn't perfect. Work got in the way more than it should've and yes, I hid behind Batman so I didn't have to face the problems around me. Instead of beating down your door I just pulled away. But every time we got close again you ran. You were so scared after Vegas you jumped on a ship and ran to Europe."

"That's not fair. Bruce, when I left you didn't even bother fighting for us."

"What was I supposed to fight for Selina? What we had was lacking, empty."

"No, I was there. I spent everyday trying to make something…"

"You can't make a future with only half of yourself."

She didn't have any argument to make. He wasn't wrong, he wasn't right either. She did hold back. Everything before him, that very first night she faced off with the great Batman, was a nightmare she didn't want to revisit. His nightmare was public knowledge but the story held no emotion until he told it. Neither of them were sharers, but Bruce made the effort. Maybe she had been wrong, maybe she was the sadist here. She felt like she had given herself over to him completely in a way she had, just the present part of her, the Catwoman era.

"I'm not here to make you feel bad," Bruce sighed realizing a little too late he had kind of attacked her.

"No, you're right."

"I think this is the first time I hated being right."

Selina smiled a little. "This is one of those situations where everyone loses."

"It doesn't have to be."

She shook her head, "Bruce, I love you but what can we do? I won't change and you can't."

"I can change. I've done it before."

"Not like this."

"No, I can do this. I can be more available, I can stand my ground instead of shutting down."

"And Batman?"

"I can't stop being Batman but I can learn to delegate better. I'm learning already. I'm here aren't I?"

"What about me?"

"I can't force you to open up to me but I can encourage you better and assure you you're safe and you're secrets go no further than me."

* * *

><p>The smell of roses became too much for Harley and she had to go be in the garden which is where she was now, sitting on the ground in the garden surrounded by rose bushes. She spent years defending him, telling others he did love her, she knew he did. He didn't need to say it no matter how much she craved the words. People just saw them in public, and he wasn't comfortable being affectionate in public, god forbid someone thought him weak and exploit it again. But at home, at home he was doting with his affection.<p>

* * *

><p><em>Harley carefully and slowly peeled her red and black jester suit from her body. It clung to her wounded arm, the blood acting like glue. She winced, grimaced, and fought back the cries bubbling up in her throat. A random piece of steel had caught her arm on her fall from the metal building frame. She managed to escape wounds from the Bat but her own feet got the best of her. The gash was deep and the fear of stitched became too much for her and she let her tears fall.<em>

_Joker found her sobbing on the bed. He scrunched up his nose at all the blood staining their sheets but quickly connected the dots, she was bleeding, quite profusely. "How bad is it?"_

_She sat up and held out her arm. "Bad."_

_Carefully, gently, he took a seat next to her and pulled her arm closer to his eyes for inspection. "Yikes."_

_"I don't want stitches." Hospitals weren't exactly an option. Very few members of the staff could be silenced with money to not call the police. You only had two real choices in the Rogue world, visit the Doc, a former doctor turned M.D. for hire who lacked the equipment and drugs to perform a painless procedure or do it yourself with the same result. She had stitched Joker up once, he took it pretty well so when she had to have her first set of stitches, she imagined it wasn't much. Three in and she was in a state of shock from the added pain. Ever since then she avoided as best she could, deep wounds or at the very least made sure she was on her way to Arkham after receiving them._

_"Alright, shh, it's ok. Let's clean it up first and then see what we have to do." He knew there was no way this was just going to be a bandage job but he didn't want to frighten her. They went into the bathroom and Harley held her breath as Joker forced her arm under the running water._

_Harley's knee jerk reaction was to pull away but he held her under, it was a necessary evil. Her breath became labored and she was trying her damndest not to scream._

_Joker needed both hands to hold her there but he took a quick second to put her between his arms so her back was pressed up against his chest. His kissed the back of her head and assured her "It's ok. Just another second." The red water was now nearly clear but he knew it wouldn't last long. He pulled her arm out from under the tap and the blood started to fester again. "Shit."_

_Her tears erupted again knowing full well what was to come._

_"It's going to be ok."_

_"It's going to hurt," she protested._

"_Pain is such a fleeting thing. Hurts for a minute and then its gone right?"_

_She had run out of tears and was now just choking and heaving._

_"Come on." He carried her out of the bathroom and placed her back on the bed. "We'll do it right here ok? Only fair since you got to sew me together. Remember that?"_

_She nodded._

_"No Doc this time, just you and me."_ _He pulled his little field kit from the desk on the other side of the room. It was the same one from the night she had been kidnapped. He gave the needle a quick alcohol bath and laced it up. She shook all over, the fear over taking her and he hated having to do it. Joker sat Indian style in front of her with her arm in his lap. She was a bundle of jumpy nerves. He leaned forward and crushed his lips up against hers. After the momentary shock of the sudden mouth assault lifted, Harley relaxed into him and allowed his tongue entrance in her mouth._

_A sudden sharp pain penetrated her arm and she tried to pull back but he followed her. She wasn't getting away. Another stab, she whimpered, he bit her lip. Another one, his tongue must've been in her throat by now. Another, another, another, and with each loop he deepened their kiss or nipped at her, drawing her focus on him instead of what was happening to her. The final stitch and as he pulled back he kissed his way down her jaw and sank his teeth into her neck causing a not so unpleasant pain. Joker knotted the loose ends and cut off the extra length._

_"Not so bad was it?" he asked._

_"No."_

* * *

><p>"What is so scary about letting me in?" Bruce asked after an uncomfortable amount of time silent slipped between them.<p>

"It's not scary."

"So what is it then?"

"It's just not me. Anything before Catwoman just isn't me anymore. My childhood, family, it's all someone else's life."

"No, it's the things that made you who you are."

"Things better left buried."

"I think you are scared."

Selina scoffed.

"No, you are. You're terrified to let anyone in. You're scared to tell me everything because with every detail you share I get to have more of you and you can't fathom the idea of someone else having a piece of Selina Kyle. You're terrified to belong to anyone but I love you and you do belong to me."

Tears hit Selina's eyes. "People don't belong to people."

"Of course they do!"

Selina stood up. "I'll never let anyone put me in a cage." She took off running toward the house.

"I don't want to put you in a cage, I want to love you!" he called after her.

* * *

><p>Harley was arranging her roses in a vase in the kitchen when Selina tore passed her through the patio doors heading straight for the stairs. She didn't have to guess what had happened and wasn't all too shocked when Bruce pushed passed her next. Dramatic, everything about them was dramatic. But they weren't alone.<p>

* * *

><p><em>Ending it. She had to. How would it ever work between them? They may have been kindred spirits but they were on different sides of the looking glass. That's what Harleen Quinzel had realized earlier as Jervis Tetch read to her from Alice in Wonderland in the common room. The other doctors avoided that room like the plague but Harleen quite enjoyed the unrestrained conversations to be had there. Joker was gone again and it was lonely in the hospital so when Jervis offered to read to her she gladly accepted. The book had nothing to do with her thoughts, but as she sat there, Alice among the Wonderlanders, she felt uncomfortable for the first time. It was almost as if suddenly she had slipped through the looking glass or down the rabbit hole. It was all so dangerous now because she was only a few careless steps away from making her trip to the common room permanent.<em>

_Suddenly she jumped up from the table and excused herself, practically running out the door leaving poor Jervis alone with book and a sad dejected face. He didn't know what he did wrong but he certainly did not mean to offend the girl._

_Harleen made her excuses to Dr. Leeland, something about her lunch not sitting right with her, and she went home. The apartment was empty and she was thankful. Peace and quiet was what she needed to sort out the mess tangled up in her head. By the time Joker showed up on her doorstep later that evening, she had made no progress in her mind. He ransacked her fridge while she sat silent on the couch._

_"What are you hungry for?" he called out to her._

_"I'm not hungry."_

_"Mind if I make these spaghettios then?"_

_"Go ahead."_

_Joker tossed the processed pasta into a bowl and jammed it into the microwave. "You're awfully quiet."_

_"I'm thinking."_

_"If you smell smoke, stop."_

_She cracked a smile._

_"Want to tell daddy all about it?"_

_"No."_

_"Secrets don't make friends."_

_"I can't do this." She got up from the couch and locked herself in the bathroom._

_Joker knocked lightly on the door. "Can't do what?"_

_"This. Us. I'm not…I'm…I just can't."_

_"Yes you can. Don't do this."_

_"No. I can't," she sobbed. "I want you, I want you so bad but I can't risk myself like this. I don't want to go about mad people."_

_"Have you been hatted?"_

_Harley sighed. "I just don't want to end up in a cell."_

_"Open the door."_

_"I can't."_

_"Open the door Harleen."_

_"No."_

_"Open this fucking door or I'll break it in!" he yelled slamming his fists against the door._

_"Just go. Please, leave."_

_The door isn't worth much and it didn't take much more than a couple good kicks to make the lock give way. Joker found her sitting on the floor in front of the sink all raccoon eyed from crying. He pulled her up off the floor and she tried to fight her way free but when he got her in his arms her feeble protest stopped and she allowed him to carry her into the bedroom. He laid her down onto the bed and silenced her argument with a kiss. The spaghettios were left forgotten in the microwave as they made love. It was dramatic, emotional, and something from a classic movie but wasn't that how great loves were supposed to be? All consuming and beyond reason? Her fears weren't alleviated that night and there was always a little voice screaming turn back in Harleen Quinzel's mind._

* * *

><p>Bruce had given up on talking, he now just stood in the hallway, head resting against the door while knocked lazily at the door. He figured eventually the noise would drive her insane and Selina would have no choice but to let him in. He heard the familiar click of the lock giving way and a second later she was standing in front of him. There were no words to say, at least not right now. He scooped her up in his arms and carried her to the bed, pushing the door closed with his foot as he did so.<p>

An hour of so later, the couple lay interlaced, enjoying the afterglow. Of all the things she missed about Bruce Wayne, this was probably number one on the list. Selina dragged her finger nails down his chest lightly and he smiled at her. It was a wonderful feeling to be back in this man's arms and it was a feeling she didn't want to relinquish.

Selina took a deep breath to prepare herself for what had to come next. "My mother killed herself when I was 8."

It took a moment for Bruce to realize what she was doing. When he had talked about her opening up he never expected something like this to come so quickly.

"I came home from school, my father, if you could call him that, he was at the bar because that's where he always was when he said he was working late which was everyday, my little sister was right behind me she was not quite 6 yet. When she wasn't at the door to greet us I knew something was wrong she was always at the door." Selina could feel her stomach turning. "I could hear the tub running and as I walked toward the bathroom I could see the water seeping out under the door. I made my sister go into the kitchen, I told her she could have some Oreos and she was so excited because mom never let us have cookies before dinner.

I slowly opened the door, I was so scared of what would be on the other side of it. I half expected a tidal wave of water to crash down upon me but there wasn't one, just the steady stream of water flowing up and over the edge of the tub. She was just sitting in it, staring up at the ceiling. There was no blood so I thought she was just sleeping. She had fallen asleep. So I ran over and turned the water off and stared shaking her and yelling 'Mommy'." Selina was having trouble holding the tears back now. She had never told this story to anyone. "She wasn't waking up and I just kept shaking her but I knew, somewhere in my mind I knew she wasn't sleeping but my eight year old brain couldn't process it. Maggie was suddenly standing in the door and she was just munching on her cookie and she asked me why there was water on the floor and when she saw mom she started crying. She was 6 and she figured it out faster than me that our mother was dead. I called 911. They called her dead on arrival and guessed she had passed a few hours before we got home. They found an empty bottle of sleeping pills in the sink. I always figured she took them and when the world started to become topsy turvy around her she panicked and just got in the tub. It's what she always did when she was upset. She didn't leave a note but I knew why. My father terrorized her. He would come home drunk and just…" she gasped for breath through her tears and balled up her fists. "That morning he had broken a beer bottle over her head and did god only knows what when he dragged her into the bedroom. When he left she was just sobbing in a corner. She couldn't even stand up."

"Selina," Bruce whispered stroking her hair.

"My father killed my mother. Not with his hands but he drove her over the edge and then when he was all we had left, he drank himself to death. Liver just shitted right out. I don't know what it was like between them before I was born but I hope they were happy then. I hope he wasn't always drunk and she wasn't depressed and they were truly happy and in love."

* * *

><p>Harley wasn't sure if the lack of arguing was a good sign or a bad one but she also wasn't eager to investigate. Instead, she cut herself up an apple and stared out the doors leading to the patio. She wasn't really focused on what was happening outside, more like she was looking past it so when Joker was suddenly standing before her, it took her completely off guard. "Jesus!" she screamed when he touched her shoulder.<p>

"Some have called me their lord and savior," he joked.

"You scared me."

"I have that affect on people."

"You're here."

"And it was no easy feat, believe me."

Harley smiled. "I thought you were done chasing me around."

Joker plucked a rose from her vase, gave it a sniff, and then handed it to her. "You should know by now I don't mean half the things I say."

"So which things do you mean?"

"Come home and find out."

"I can't do that."

"How about dinner then?"

"That might be more reasonable."

"Tonight?"

"Tomorrow."

"Is it because I said tonight?"

"A little. But also because I need to be here for Selina tonight."

"Fine."

"Pick me up at 6?"

"I can't stay here?"

"Nope."

"You're cruel."

"I know."

"Can I ask one favor?"

"Sure."

"Kiss me? I miss kissing you."

Harley got up on her tip toes and gave Joker a chaste kiss on the lips. His arms encircled her waist and pulled her in as his tongue fought its way into her mouth. She pulled back after a couple of seconds, a content look on her face. "I miss kissing you too."

"I also miss…"

"Not happening."

"Can't blame a boy for trying." He made his way to the door. Good thing he had the sense to tell the cab driver to wait. "See you tomorrow."

"Joker."

"Yes?"

"I still love you."

"I've always loved you."

* * *

><p>Being shaken awake wasn't exactly an ideal way for Harley to wake up but apparently Selina didn't care. The clock read 2:36 am. "What's going on?" she mumbled rubbing her eyes.<p>

"Come on girl, we're leaving."

"Are we going home?"

"No sweetie, we're catching a train."  
>"Why?"<p>

Selina didn't answer her. She just pushed the bangs out of Harley's eyes and offered her friend a sad smile. "Come on toots. I already packed our bags."

Harley didn't push it. She knew the answer to her question already.

* * *

><p>Bruce was alone when the morning came. He searched the bed with his hand but the woman he had been lying with was nowhere to be found. His eyes scanned the room, her clothes she had left on the floor, the clothes in the closet, the jewelry on the dresser, it was all gone. He got up and headed for the bedroom next door. It was empty as well. The butler came up the stairs and silently handed a note to the bewildered American.<p>

"Bruce, I want you to be happy and that can't happen with me. You shouldn't give your heart to a wild thing, it will just break it. I love you but I can't give myself to you like you'd like.-Selina"

He tossed the crumpled piece of stationary onto the floor.

* * *

><p>Selina didn't want to answer the phone when it rang. She knew it was Bruce without looking. Harley was asleep next to her on the train and no one else was in their car. She tentatively put the phone up to her ear. "Hello."<p>

"You know what's wrong with you? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, 'Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness.' You call yourself a free spirit, a 'wild thing', and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well Selina, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself." He hung up.

She tried to brush it off. His opinion didn't matter to her. She was a free spirit and she wasn't going to be caged. He was wrong. So why was she shaking?

* * *

><p>Author's Note: Don't rip me a new one, I didn't plagiarize Breakfast at Tiffany's. I did it on purpose and I'm not passing it off as my own.<p> 


	17. Naked

Author's Note: I really appreciate and love all the reviews and messages I get. I have no problem answering questions and I try to do the best I can when answering. I don't mind hearing your opinions or suggestions either, you're my audience, I want to please you. But things like "If you do_ I will kill you" and "Write_ or I will hunt you down" etcetera are not helpful or welcomed. Neither is "I hate this pairing. You suck at life". Constructive criticism=good. Complaining about my opinion is stupid. Stop reading. I make no money off this. It won't hurt me any if you don't continue. If you really feel raw about something and you want to come for me, bring it. I'm waiting. I'm like Beatrix Kiddo fool! *karate chop* Ow! My hand!

* * *

><p>The revelation of Ivy and Riddler's tryst sent waves through the underworld. Not that they did it, but that it was out in the open. Everyone had their fling with someone but it was never talked about. Always swept under the rug. She thoroughly enjoyed the frenzy that ensued at the Iceberg and the hushed whispers that would follow Ivy for awhile. She knew just as well as anyone about the secret liaisons that were carried out in backrooms and after the lights went out in Arkham and she could even venture a guess as to who had met who under the covers when no one was watching.<p>

A grin danced across her lips. What fun was guessing when you could know for sure? With her little army of information collectors she could have the complete sexual history of every Rogue in the rolodex and then so could everyone else. Sure it seemed cruel, but what did that matter? They weren't in the business of being kind.

* * *

><p>Ivy stayed at the hospital until they released Eddie the next morning, partially because she felt horrible for him and didn't want to add insult to injury by leaving him alone in a hospital room all night and because she felt horrible for herself and wasn't sure how she would face Harvey. If she was lucky enough to face Harvey. As mad as he seemed last night, she could very well be stuck with Two Face. Maybe that would be for the best, the only fight there would be a physical one and she could take him.<p>

She couldn't avoid going home anymore though. Eddie was in a cab on his way home and she had to at least go back to the apartment and change. It wasn't safe to walk the streets in a nurse's uniform. Ivy mentally prepped herself for a verbal fight. She rehearsed her argument over and over again in her mind. With shaky hands, she eased the key in the lock, flattened herself up against the wall where the door would cover her when she opened it should he be violent. The door opened, no one came out. She didn't hear anything either. It was still considerably early though and she imagined he had been up late drinking away the night. She slowly pulled herself from out behind the door, tiptoeing into the house so as not to wake him. Perhaps if she had coffee and breakfast on the table he would be more open to a civilized conversation as opposed to a screaming match that sent the neighbors running to G.C.P.D.

Changing her clothes would wait. Ivy silently pulled out a couple pans, bowls, and an assortment of cooking utensil. She then made her way to the fridge, bacon, sausage, milk, eggs. Toast and coffee would do just fine for her. The bacon was in the pan and she was a little shocked when the tantalizing aroma didn't arouse her sleeping beast from his chambers. Ivy decided a little coaxing was in order. Delicately she pranced down the hall to the bedroom and let the door open a crack. Not even a shuffle from inside the dark room. She poked her head in, the mass on the far side of the bed didn't stir. Perhaps he was drunker than she anticipated. Knowing she could fend off an attack if need be, she decided to wake him herself. But the closer she came to the bed the closer she came to the realization that Harvey wasn't in it. The mass she had mistaken for his body was really a pile of pillows and some blankets. Ivy didn't have to open the drawers of the dresser to know they were empty or look in the closet to find his suits no longer there. She knew he was gone.

Back in the kitchen, the smell of the bacon sizzling, the sausage frying, and the coffee brewing suddenly became offensive. It was mocking her. Look at the good little housewife making breakfast for the man who isn't here. One swoop of the arm sent everything flying off the stove and onto the floor and counter. It also seared the skin. She gripped burned portion of her forearm and silently cursed herself for not thinking that plan through. The burners went off and the mess stayed where it was. She would deal with it later. For now she was going to curl up on the couch.

* * *

><p>Eddie's homecoming was much different. Walking through the door, he was greeted with a barrage of insults and profanity. Holly staggered and swayed as she called him a variety of colorful things, dickopotamus, bottle of whiskey still in hand. He tried to explain, tried to reason with her, but she wanted no part of it.<p>

"Holly, honey, please listen to me," Eddie begged.

"Get out! Get the fuck out!"

"Holly…"

"No! Get out!"

"After you sober up…"

Holly sent a shot glass flying passed his head. "Next one will hit."

"Just, listen…"

Fulfilling her promise, the following shot glass got him right above the eye.

"Alright! I'm leaving!" Eddie quickly went back out the door and closed it tightly behind him. Perhaps he would come back later when she had slept it off. Until such time, he needed somewhere to relax. Clearly Jervis's place was going to be off the list due to a pregnant and emotional Alice who would probably gut him just for daring to ask if he could sit on their couch for awhile. Being out in public with Jonathan was one thing but willingly entering the fear master's lair was a whole other demon. Scarlet was Holly's best friend outside of her sister and Oswald would probably charge him per hour anyway. Was he good enough of friend's with Bruce Wayne to warrant a room for the day? No, more than likely not. Freeze liked solitude and the thermostat was frozen at holy polar bears its fucking cold in here, Ventriloquist gave him the creeps…well Scarface gave him the creeps, Arnold was alright, Roxy gave him migraines, Joker wasn't in town and he didn't have a key to the penthouse to let himself in, Hagen wasn't exactly on speaking terms with him, Croc would eat him, he didn't feel like making a trip to Metropolis not that Lex Luthor would be sympathetic to his plight, Arkham was no place for rest, and the bottom rung of Rogues was too ridiculous to consider. Imagine the Riddler sleeping on the dusty old couch of Humpty Dumpty!

Sadly, he dragged his butt back down the hall to the stairs, phone in hand, racking his brain for a person to turn to. I wouldn't hurt to call Bruce Wayne would it? No, he wasn't going to beg Selina's ex…or whatever for a place to crash and a sympathetic ear. No. He could break into the penthouse. There was an idea. Knowing Joker though the place was probably rigged to explode should the door be forced open. Or worse, you'd get a face full of Smile-X. Ivy was probably in a world of her own problems and his presence surely wouldn't help. He wondered how she was fairing.

"Thank you again for your company and I am so very sorry I caused such a fiasco. Are you alright?" he quickly typed on the phone keypad. He was mildly shocked when he received a phone call from Gotham's resident Mother Nature rather than a text reply. Tentatively he answered, half expecting Harvey's screaming to permeate his eardrum. "Hello?"

"Hi," Ivy breathed. She sounded weak, tired, and defeated. Eddie wondered if this was an emotional response or if Harvey had physically taken out his aggression on her. He was surprised at how furious the idea of Harvey's fist connecting to Ivy's jaw made him. He even dared to believe if this were the case, he would have his own round or two with the brute.

"Are you alright?" he questioned.

"I'm fine."

"You don't sound fine."

"Harvey's not here. He packed up and left."

"Oh."

"I'm dealing with it."

"Holly's drunk and nailed me in the head with a shot glass."

"Oh my god!"

"Yeah, threw me out too."

"Do you want to come over?"

"Would that be wise? What if Harvey should return?"

"Eddie, he's not coming back." She hated to admit it, but it was the truth. He was gone.

"I suppose I don't have much of a choice anyway. Not like I'm beating off offers with a stick."

"I feel so honored."

"Oh don't fake indignation."

"I'll see you in a minute."

* * *

><p>The problem with dating those your work with is, when things run afoul, you're either forced to deal with the uncomfortable situation daily, or get a new job. And people will choose sides and that will make for more awkward moments, same with dating within your friendship circle, it will divide things.<p>

Unbeknownst to Ivy and Eddie, this situation was already arising. Of course, no one knew just yet if the couples were really broken up yet, but the general consensus was, things were over or ending. But there were so many factors in choosing sides for this battle. You may agree with Holly that Eddie shouldn't have lied to her but find Ivy's plight sympathetic or maybe Ivy's business was her own in your mind and everyone else involved was in the wrong. Then there was the ever popular theory that Ivy and Eddie were not necessarily right but they would make a lovely couple and should forget about the dead weight they had unloaded.

Holly had called her sister the second she had fled the Iceberg in embarrassment. She spilled her heart on the phone and her stomach on the sidewalk. The younger Spungeon felt terrible for her pained sister and comforted her as best she could without being there but when they hung up, she expressed a different sentiment to Jervis.

"I get that she's hurt but geeze it was years ago! She was dating someone then too," Alice said.

"Perhaps it's the public spectacle that has her reeling," Jervis offered not wanting to toss his opinion on the matter out there just yet in case Alice's mood suddenly changed her stance on the subject.

"It's ridiculous. I don't expect you've been single your entire life."

"Well no…"

"So who'd you bang?"

"Beg your pardon?"

"Oh come on Jervy, what Rogue-ess did you seduce?"

"None."

"You can tell me. I'll tell you all about Jimmy, the boy I met in Metropolis at a Killers concert."

"I'm happy not knowing all about Jimmy. But believe me when I say, I have never had any rolls in the hay with another Rogue."

The following day, Jervis invited Jonathan out for lunch. "I'm guessing you've heard about the Ivy Riddler situation," Jervis said.

"I do believe I saw something about them on a Tipster update but I try not to read those silly things," Jonathan replied.

"Well, it seems they were lovers at one point."

"Lovers? Really?"

"Well, I wasn't there last night but according to Alice who was told by Holly, Harvey suddenly launched our Edward through the ladies room door. When questioned he said that Edward had had relations with Miss Ivy. Naturally everyone assumed it was recently and they were spotted just the other night leaving the Iceberg Lounge together but nobody was going to say anything about it, who are any of us to judge?"

"Indeed."

"Well, poor Eddie, he was out cold and rushed to the hospital. I don't know his status, I haven't heard from him. But Ivy explained to Holly it was a couple of years ago, in Arkham of all places."

"How intriguing," Jonathan mused.

"I expect such news would drive Harvey slightly mad, I mean he is a jealous guy and all, but Holly is rather hysterical about it all as well."

"How does Alice feel?"

"Oh there is the next chapter of the tale, Alice thinks her sister is in an uproar over nothing. Which I must agree. We've all had our dalliances. But Alice wants to know of mine."

"Don't wish to share with your baby momma the romp in Dr. Arkham's office with one Roxy Rocket?" Jonathan teased.

"Most certainly not! I don't even wish to revisit the travesty."

"Is it true you tried to get her to wear the blonde wig?"

"I have no comment on that."

"Fine, spoil sport."

"The only reason you even know about my rendezvous with Miss Rocket is because you interrupted us looking for a location with Magpie."

"I was a weak man."

"Weak indeed. Penguin diddled her."

"Everyone with a shiny nickel diddled her. It wasn't like she had standards. And for a quickie, neither did I."

"You're secret is safe with me."

* * *

><p>Scarlet, perched on a barstool at the empty Iceberg bar, waited ever so patiently for Oswald to finish his business, whatever it was, in his office. He promised to take her out for lunch and asked her to meet him at the Lounge. She drummed her fingers on the hard counter top. Whatever could he be doing? The door opened and she was disappointed to see Bane come walking out and the door close behind him.<p>

He was heading for the exit but when he noticed Scarlet alone at the bar, he changed his direction. "Hello beautiful."

Scarlet rolled her eyes. "Keep moving you lug."

"Play nice."

"Make me."

"We used to be real close," he sighed stroking her shoulder lightly with his finger tips.

"Used to be, key words."

"Tell me you don't miss me."

"Like a hole in the head."

"We had fun."

"And now I have a real man."

"Heh Oswald? A man?"

"He takes care of me."

"Does he satisfy you?"

"Daily, nightly, and ever so rightly. He drives me so wild the neighbors have orgasms just hearing us."

Bane laughed.

"Keep moving or I'll tell Ozzie all about this little conversation."

"Plenty more ladies in Gotham."

"I don't know big boy, they're disappearing at an alarming rate. You heard about Talia I'm sure?"

"Shacking up with Lex, yeah."

"Thought you said she was crazy for you."

"I was mistaken, she's just crazy."

Scarlet had to smile at that one.

"But that's the way Lex likes them. Bananas."

"What do you mean?" she asked with sudden interest.

"You think Talia is his first dip in the Gotham pool?"

"Who else?"

"Harley Quinn."

"You're full of shit."

"Nope."

"How do you know?"

"Had a fling with Mercy Graves, his bodyguard. There was a wild one. Anyway, I was leaving Luthor's summerhouse and I found Quinn in the kitchen."

Scarlet's jaw was practically on the floor. "How interesting!"

"Scarlet, are you ready?" Oswald called as he approached the bar.

"Yes."

"Don't tell," Bane warned.

"Wouldn't dream of it."

* * *

><p>Oh such tangled webs! Her eyes were practically saucers. She needed a white board to keep track of all these pairings.<p>

* * *

><p>"Oh my…your eye!" Ivy cried when she opened the door for Eddie.<p>

"Is it bad?"

"You have some bump."

"Great."

"Take a seat on the couch, I'll get some ice."

Eddie did as he was told. After all the beatings he received he was grateful for the nursing and oddly enough, Ivy was still dressed as a nurse.

"I can't believe she beaned you with a shot glass."

"I'm thankful it wasn't the bottle."

Ivy rushed back over to the couch, handful of ice wrapped in a clean washcloth. She took the spot next to him and gently pressed the makeshift ice pack up to his eye. "You poor thing."

"I deserved it."

"No, you didn't."

"I should've told her."

"Has she told you about all her boyfriends?"

"I don't have to see them…except Dick and I know about him."

Ivy desperately wanted to tell him what she knew about Holly's own little indiscretion bit held it back. No matter how mad she was, she wasn't going to break her promise besides, she had faith this would all blow over eventually.

"Are you going to call Harvey?"

"No, I'll give it awhile, get cleaned up, and go see him."

"Know where he is?"

"I have a good idea."

"Can I ask a question?"

"Better than anyone I know," she joked.

"You say Holly shouldn't be mad at me but you fully accept Harvey is angry with you?"

"I don't accept it. I don't like it. He has no right to judge me or throw a fit over who I've had a past with. Doesn't mean I don't want to work through it."

"What if you can't?"

"Then I suppose I'll have to move on." She pulled the ice away to exam the damage. "Your head is turning purple already."

"Great."

"Maybe it'll get you sympathy points with her. She'll feel bad she nailed you and forgive you for nailing me."

"Good joke."

"If you can't laugh at yourself."

"My head hurts."

Ivy pulled the ice away and placed a light kiss on his bump. "A kiss to make it better."

The concussion and the newfound head injury were making his brain cloudy. After all the pain, both emotional and physical, it was nice to have this piece of kindness. As Ivy's lips brushed his head, all he could think about was that night in Arkham and all the places on his body her lips found. She smiled at him as she placed the ice back on his head. Her hair was mussed from sleeping in a hospital chair and then lying on the couch, she had a little raccoon eye from her makeup sliding down around her eyes, and she looked tired but Eddie thought she looked beautiful. She was always beautiful and that night in Arkham he couldn't believe she crawled into bed with him and now he was on her couch, tending to his wounds, caring for him. Eddie kissed her before he really figured out that he intended to do so.

She was taken aback and nearly fell from the couch, saved only by his arms as they encircled her waist. Ivy pushed him away from her, this wasn't going to happen. "What are you doing?"

"I don't know," he admitted.

"This is what got us into trouble in the first place."

"I know. I just…"

"You're tired and your head is a mess. I'll let it slide. But you should lie down and get some rest."

"Ok."

"Take Harley's bed."

Eddie got up from the couch and did as he was told leaving Ivy on the couch, her own mind reeling.

* * *

><p>Ivy waited until Eddie was asleep to go see Harvey. She knew he'd be back at the old theatre he was inhabiting before he moved in with her. It took all of her courage to knock on that door and standing there in the street, she felt like Jonathan had dumped a truck of fear toxin on her.<p>

Footsteps from behind the door broke her train of thought and she once again mentally prepared for what was to come but nothing could prepare her for what lie ahead.

"Yes?" a tall dark haired woman clad in a bathrobe asked opening the door. "Can I help you?"

Ivy was too stunned to answer.

"Gilda, who is it?" Harvey called walking up behind her.

"I don't know. Some woman."

"Woman?" he asked entering the doorway.

Ivy ran. She couldn't handle this. Facing him was bad enough, facing his morning after was worse.

"Pamela!" he yelled after her but she wouldn't stop. "Shit."

"Pamela? Pamela Isely?"

"Yeah."

"What does Poison Ivy want with you?"

"I'm…we…"

"Oh, I get it."

"Not like that Gilda. We were more. Married practically."

"I thought you would always be practically be married to me."

"You left. I moved on."

"I'm hurt."

"No you're not."

"Well, are you going to go after her?"

"No." Harvey closed the door and went back inside.

* * *

><p>Unable to fix her own mess, Ivy figured she might as well take a crack at Eddie's. She got out of a cab at the Iceberg Lounge. The dinner crowd was leaving and the night owls coming in. She was still shaken from her encounter with Harvey. It had taken her a minute to figure out Gilda was Gilda Dent, the other Mrs. in his life. That hurt more than if it had been some bimbo at the door. Walking through the doors, everyone stared at her and she felt a little like Scarlet O'Hara in that scene in Gone With the Wind where she had to go to the birthday party after being caught with Ashley Wilkes.<p>

Holly was out on the floor waiting tables. She looked terrible. Clearly she had gotten no sleep and was a little more than hungover and when she caught sight of Ivy she made a break for the stock room. Ivy wasn't going to allow her to get away. She followed her right in and blocked the door so the waitress couldn't get out.

"You have some nerve," Holly spat.

"I have a lot of nerves and they're fraying fast," Ivy shot back.

"I can't believe you'd show your face here."

"I can't believe you threw a shot glass at Eddie's head."

"I was drunk."

"And I was lonely. That's what happened. I was lonely and scared at the thought of having feelings for Harvey. Eddie was the only one in Arkham with me. I made a mistake. I had sex with him. It was two years ago. You had a boyfriend if I recall."

"You just can't keep your legs closed to anyone, Eddie, Matt, Ra's al Ghul."

Ivy slapped her across the face. The shock of what happened was mutual for both of them. "I'm sorry I…"

Holly slapped her back.

"Ok, I will accept that."

"I have work to do."

"Listen, Holly, I am sorry you had to hear what happened between Eddie and I but it happened, two years ago. I can't go back and change it."

"No you can't and Eddie can't change that he lied to me."

"I'm sorry did you come out and ask him if he ever had sec with me?"

"No but I think I would have the right to know you two had a history."

"So I'm guessing you changed your mind about telling him about that New Year's Eve you went home with Joker."

Holly was silent and more than startled that Ivy had said such a thing.

"Don't worry, I won't say anything because I'm a good friend even if you are ending our friendship. But what I will say is you're a hypocrite. You're a hypocrite for not telling him but expecting Eddie to hand over his little black book and you're also a hypocrite because if you were in my shoes and standing in front of Harley you would be begging for her to forgive you. I'm not going to beg, I'm sorry you found out this way but I'm not sorry it happened. I did nothing wrong and I don't need your forgiveness." Ivy stormed out of the stock room and held back all her tears until she made it to the alley next to the lounge. She threw up in a garbage can, the same one Holly had thrown up in the night before.


	18. If I Could Change

Author's Note: Had to take some time off there, massive construction at work and the mind numbing pain in my head that went with it made it impossible for me to write anything except "kill them all". We're back. We're good. We're in serious need of watching The Shining.

* * *

><p>The first train station in France was where Harley and Selina got off. Harley still had no idea where they were going and judging by the look of Selina as she examined the train schedule, neither did she. Winging it was an understatement. Finally she made up her mind and walked over to the counter to buy tickets. Harley waited on a bench half asleep. All this constant traveling was starting to wear on her.<p>

"Come on Harl, we have to catch the train," Selina chided pulling her friend up off her resting place.

"I just sat down," Harley whined like a child.

"I know. Just another train and then we can hop a flight."

"Where are we going?"

"I'm not sure just yet but for right now we need to get on the next train."

Harley whimpered, dragging her feet along with her luggage as she followed her travel buddy.

"I know and I'm sorry about this. I just…I don't even know what happened. I had to get away, that's all I know."

"I know that feeling."

"See! You and me, all flight no fight," Selina joked.

* * *

><p>Spending his day alone in a hotel room was not on Joker's list of things he enjoyed doing. In his opinion, he was a social butterfly, in the general public's opinion, he was a social nuisance. Their problem, not his. Shopping. That would be his first order of business. While he had found the time to wash his trademark purple suit, he had found that wearing it so much was really grating on his nerves. Black. He wanted something in black, white button up shirt, red rose in the lapel. Old world mafia. Don Joker. He strolled the streets absentmindedly, glancing in store windows as he strolled by waiting for something to catch his eye. The residents of Madrid paying him no real attention. A stray eye here and there but no real staring or examination. He wondered if the people of Europe were more tolerant of freaks on their streets or just too posh to care who was wandering about.<p>

Joker gave a polite nod to a police officer as he passed him on the street corner. A polite nod was the only response he received. Perhaps, one day, when he tired of the chase, he would retire somewhere in Europe. He doubted anyone would notice. His random wandering brought him to Armani. Well, who could say no to a classic? He kicked his walking stick up under his arm and strolled in.

Fresh suit in hand, Joker decided to wander on over to the villa, opting for a taxi this time, to surprise Harley with an afternoon visit. Why just have dinner when you could spend the day together? He graciously tipped the driver as he made his way out of the car and just as he was about to knock on the solid oak door, a ruckus from the other side stopped him in his tracks. While he couldn't pin point the noise exactly, he would've guessed he himself was on the other side of that door. Before he could ponder it much longer the door flung open and a very ragged, angry, and slightly insane looking Bruce Wayne was standing before him.

"Hello crazy," Joker greeted with a nod.

Bruce took several more deep breaths. He looked like a feral animal out of the forest.

"I hate to interrupt…whatever the hell is going on, but is Harley available?" Joker asked cautiously, looking over the other man's shoulder to peer into the house.

"She might be, wherever the hell she is!" Bruce growled.

"What?"

"They're gone."

"Gone?"

"Are you suddenly fucking deaf?"

Joker was momentarily shocked to hear such language coming from his best friend's mouth. He quickly shook it off. "What do you mean they're gone?"

"They left. Packed up and moved on."

"Where did they go?"

"Is this a game of twenty questions? How the hell should I know?! Selina up and left me!"

"She didn't leave a note?"

"It didn't say anything about where they were going."

"Did you…"

"Ask me another question, so help me god."

Joker wondered if this was how people felt talking to him. He gave his best "easy now psycho" smile and put his hands up as a sign of truce. "No more questions."

Bruce rested his forearm against the door frame and took another couple of deep breaths. "I didn't mean to bite your head off."

"S'okay."

"I'm being rude. Would you like to come in? I was on my way out but I suppose I could sit and chat for awhile. I'm really in no hurry."

He was positive he was walking into his doom but Joker wasn't one to argue with hospitality. He strolled in with a thank you.

* * *

><p>The second train ride was short, an hour and a half. Harley was still groggy and tired but Selina pulled her on claiming they had a flight to catch. Harley had no idea what country they were in, what day it was, or where they were going still. The signs looked French so she assumed they were in France. She couldn't recall another night passing so it was still the same day, probably close to evening. Evening?! "Shit!" she cried racing after Selina through the airport terminal.<p>

"What?" Selina asked momentarily slowing down.

"It's almost evening!"

"And what? You turn into a pumpkin?"

"No! I was supposed to have dinner with Joker!"

"I'm sorry."

Harley stopped walking and tossed her bags onto the floor. "We were going to talk."

"Well, when we get to…"

"When we get to where?!" Harley screamed.

Selina looked down at her hands which were nervously toying with one another.

"We're just running but we have no destination, no real plan! Are you waiting until you feel like you've out runned your shame?"

"Oh please! Pot calling the kettle black!"

"I'm nothing like you."

"Trust me girl, I wish that was true. But after some heavy introspection I realized you and I are more alike than I want to admit. You've been running since Vegas. And what the hell are you running from? Isn't this what you wanted since you met him? Joker chasing after you? Loving you? You got it! So why are you running from it?"

It was Harley's turn to be silent. She let her eyes scan the room, people were staring.

"I'll tell you why, it's the same reason I'm running. You're scared. You're terrified to get hurt and I get it. You should be! He hurt you, he hurt you bad. Bruce hurt me. And I'm scared as hell that if I go back he'll hurt me again or I'll hurt him. You're scared Joker will change his mind and take it all back again. And it's ok. It's okay that we are. We're human." Selina paused, realization of what Bruce had said suddenly dawning on her. "And it doesn't matter where we go, we're still us and we'll still be scared. That won't change. The only thing is, by avoiding a chance at happiness we just guarantee that we'll be miserable. Instead of facing our fears and seeing what could be, we're just hiding from it, knowing what we have which is nothing."

Harley picked up her bags. "So how far is the gate?"

Selina smiled a sad smile. They both understood what they were doing, but at the moment, they weren't ready to face it head on.

* * *

><p>Chatting wasn't really what happened when Joker entered the villa. He and Bruce ended up in the living room, staring at one another silently. They maid came by a few times, offering food and beverages but each time they waved her off without a word. Joker wanted to ask what had happened the night before, when he left everything had seemed to be on the up and up, but he dared not ask another question lest he feel the wrath of Bruce Wayne.<p>

Bruce's mind was not obeying his rule of no more questions however, all that seemed to be dancing around his thoughts were questions with unknown answers. The biggest of all was, what now? Go back to Gotham? Forget this all happened? Move on? Chase after her? Surely the Tipster would report on their location sooner rather than later. Going home nor going after her seemed like the thing to do but then again, neither did hanging around the villa until the end of time. The deafening silence suddenly became too much for him and he said "She said she loved me but she couldn't give herself to me, that she wanted me to be happy and it couldn't happen with her."

Joker opened his mouth but upon remembering the no question rule, quickly closed it.

"The note, that's what it said," Bruce explained. "She was running and I think Harley just got pulled along with her."

"Harley started it."

"If we're going down that road then maybe you started it all."

"Maybe I did."

"Why did you tell her you didn't love her?"

"I was being stupid."

"Do you believe everything you read?"

"No but it was somewhat right. I am a monster and how can a monster love anyone? And how can anyone love a monster?"

Being Batman, Bruce fancied himself a Rogue scholar. In his mind he knew everything about the people he hunted down in the dark of the night. But in truth, since he had started making his way into their world as Bruce Wayne, he knew very little. Before his descent into the underworld, the Joker had no emotions, no feelings. He used those around him to get what he wanted. Poison Ivy was hell-bent on making the world a greener place and her children were her plants. Harley Quinn was bubbly, bouncy, and a chaotic mess who devoted every thought to her Puddin'. The Riddler was a megalomaniac, Two Face a raging deuce, etcetera. They weren't. They were, unfortunately, people. Joker, a hopeless romantic who suffered a loss so great it made it hard for him to let his guard down again. Ivy was a mother at heart with no way of ever having her own children and had therefore become the mother of the Rogue world and while people weren't her favorite inhabitants of this Earth, she cared for all of those in her circle. Harley, deep down, wasn't the bright bauble she presented and for every thought she spared for Joker, another hundred were spent on the anxiety and sadness she was keeping at bay. Eddie lacked half of the confidence he produced, Harvey wanted only for the life he had given up, Jervis longed to make others happy. Even Selina had showed him a new side. On the rooftops in her costume she was the toughest woman in the city but at home she was still a little girl unsure of the world around her. Around Batman they were all different.

But wasn't Batman different around all of them? Batman wasn't human but they could all attest that Bruce Wayne was from the dumb things he said to the ridiculous things he did. And since he was just saying all of this in his head, he could admit that he even enjoyed his time with them. Being Bruce Wayne in the socialite world, he had to wear another mask, the playboy fop. No one in the Rogue even batted an eye when he quoted Shakespeare or rambled on about string theory. To them it was fine. He could be true to who he was behind closed doors and it was a relief. Crap. This was getting too introspective for his liking and he quickly backed out of these thoughts.

Joker had been quiet, watching the many emotions and thoughts flash across Bruce's eyes. It was interesting to see the many expressions light up his face and leave in a flash. He wanted to ask what he was thinking about but decided it was better not to pester him. Bruce's eyebrows suddenly shot up and the look of deep thought was replaced with a fake smile. "Welcome back," Joker quipped.

"Sorry I let my brain go off on a tangent."

"Never let your brain direct you. You show that brain whose boss."

Bruce's smile became genuine. It was the kind of thing Dick would say. Which meant it was the kind of thing Tim would repeat and then Bruce would roll his eyes and wonder where either of them got it from and he'd query this to Alfred who would roll his eyes as well and make some sarcastic comment about the irony of Bruce not being able to see himself in the mirror that was his wards. All of this circled around his head for a brief second until he had yet another thought, this one more terrifying than all the rest, he and Joker weren't so different. He suddenly bolted up right and became rigid. All the years of Joker's ranting about the difference between him and Batman being one bad day were now becoming logical. He was no longer Alice wandering Wonderland, he was becoming a full fledged member of the society through the looking-glass. Shaky hands found his temples and he began to rub them hoping it would somehow undo all the thoughts that just exploded into his mind.

"You are starting to scare me," Joker admitted once again fascinated by the strange occurrences happening across from him.

"I am starting to scare myself."

"Do you want to talk…"

"No!" Bruce shouted jumping up from his spot on the sofa. "God no."

"Just asking."

* * *

><p>Harley's little fingers traced absent-minded circle patterns on the window of the plane. She had been longing to sleep since Selina had woken her up but now that she was finally able to, she couldn't. Selina however had no problem getting some rest, her head resting on Harley's shoulder. Sleeplessness was something she was becoming accustomed to these days. More often than not her nights were spent on thoughts of her life and what she was doing, where she was going, and what was at then end of this escapade she had started. She thought leaving Gotham would leave her problems behind but they followed her, and she didn't mean just physically. Even before Joker popped up in Europe her thoughts were clouded by him.<p>

She picked up the phone implanted in the arm of her seat and dialed his number from memory. If you looked at the dial pad on her cell phone you couldn't even see the numbers that made up his number anymore because she had dialed it so much.

"Hello?" Joker answered sounding more than a little suspicious as to the strange number calling him.

"It's me."

"Where are you?"

"On a plane," she laughed. "I'm using the in-flight phone."

"Where's your cell?"

"In one of the bags."

"I see."

"We're on our way to Vienna."

"Vienna?"

"Austria. You know. Like, the hills are alive with the sound of music Austria."

"High on a hill was a lonely goatherd Austria?"

"Yo-da-lei. Yo-da-lei. Yo-da-lei he-hoo," Harley yodeled back. The passenger across the aisle fixed her with a strange look that clearly said he thought she was nuts. She just smiled back.

Joker chuckled. The Sound of Music was one of their secret guilty pleasures.

"Selina, she's the one who left. Not me."

"You went with her."

"I didn't have a choice."

"You did. You could've stayed."

When it was all happening, Harley really didn't give any thought as to what she wanted to do. She just sleepily obeyed Selina's command to get up. Thinking back on it now, she doubted she would've stayed without her friend. "No, I couldn't have." Although she couldn't see him, Harley knew he was nodding his head. "I…I just…I have nothing to say apparently."

"I don't think I do either at the moment."

"Come to Vienna. We'll have dinner like I promised."

"Really?"

"Yes! No running. I'll be here. I swear."

"Vienna," Joker repeated as if he was contemplating the very meaning of the word. "No, I don't think I will."

"What?"

"Enjoy Vienna." He hung up without waiting or without a goodbye.

Harley lightly, sadly, placed the phone back on its receiver. Selina was still asleep and the man who had given her the look when she yodeled was now looking at her again. "He's not coming to Vienna," she told him sadly not really caring if eh wanted to know or not. "I don't blame him. I wouldn't either. I wouldn't have even followed me to Paris. I would've let me go."

The man continued to look at her, but now his features had softened.

"I don't know why I did this. At the time I thought I just needed to get away so I could sort everything out but there was n getting away. You can't get away from your mind. And what the hell was I getting away from? My misery? I made myself miserable. Granted he started it when he broke my heart but he's been trying to fix it. And why did I even believe him? For years people have told me, 'he doesn't love you Harley' and now suddenly he says it I just collapse! But he does love me. He loves me enough to chase me around the world."

The man nodded.

"And here I am still running."

* * *

><p>"One of our boys is on the plane home and one is off to Austria. But I'm not telling you which one is going where. Ain't I a stinker?"<p> 


	19. You're Not Sorry

Author's Note: I fell in love. I was in love and I was deliriously happy. It had been a long time since I had been in love like that. It was full blown head over heels Harley Quinn love. I was happy. I was so happy I couldn't get into this mindset to write this. I wasn't running anymore. I let go and allowed myself to be in love. All it got me was a broken heart and enough writing material for 100 more books to this tale. Lesson, Joker-like men are always bad guys. There is nothing romantic about losing yourself to someone else. You will always come in last place with someone who is always looking for the next scheme. Never put in more than the other person in your relationship. And lastly, if you can equate a Taylor Swift song to t, get out. Get the hell out. It's not going to end well. It's going to end with you listening to the Red album while crying into a milkshake.

* * *

><p>Jervis was done waiting. For far too long he had been carrying that blasted ring around in his pocket and today was finally the day he was going to propose to his beloved Alice. He had long ago decided against anything grandiose, it just wasn't his style to throw a lavish affair for such a simple question.<p>

Alice walked into the kitchen, a delirious smile on her sleepy face. Her hair was slightly rumpled from sleeping on it and she still wore her pink pajama pants with the bright candy colored tank top that matched. He always thought she was so beautiful in the mornings with her baby glow and pink cheeks. She seemed in good spirits as well. Now, he would do it now. Jervis waited for Alice to reach the stove where she assembled a plate of bacon, eggs, and toast that he had prepared for her and had been keeping warm. He scooted his chair and dropped to one knee silently behind her pulling the ring box out of his robe pocket as he went. She reached into the refrigerator and proceeded to pour herself a glass of orange juice. She then turned, plate in one hand and full glass of O.J. in the other, still too tired to be completely aware of the world around her. Unfortunately, Jervis had been kneeling too close behind her and it only took two steps for her to trip over him and launch her breakfast up into the air. Luckily Jervis managed to keep her from hitting the floor but not her breakfast.

"What the hell are you doing?!" she cried pulling away and attempting to stand back up.

"Um…I…" Jervis mumbled looking around for the ring that had been lost during the ordeal. "I was looking for something."

"Right behind my butt?"

"Sorry I dropped…"

"Never mind. I'll just have Eggos."

"I'll get them my dear. You just go lie down."

Alice didn't argue. She had no interest in cleaning up the catastrophe that was now their kitchen.

Jervis popped a couple of toaster waffles into the toaster and proceeded to scrape the food off the floor hoping that the ring was just hiding under a pile of eggs. No luck. Just as he cleared the last piece of bacon off the floor, he noticed something glimmer under the dishwasher. He quickly dropped flat onto the tile to peer under it and sure enough, there was the ring, too far for his fingers to reach with not enough room for his hand. "This has to be a warning as to how the rest of my day is going to go."

* * *

><p>Holly had trouble shaking off the tongue lashing Ivy had given her. Sleep never came because every time she closed her eyes, Ivy's words echoed through her mind. She was a hypocrite. There was no argument there. Actually, there was no real argument with anything Ivy said. It was all true. Holly had no reason to truly be upset with Eddie. She knew damn well that every Rogue had a past and a lot of those pasts were with each other. Perhaps it was just the shock of the reveal that had gripped her. It was a rather dramatic moment. Or even the embarrassment of everyone being there and knowing about her personal business. People who could never really understand what happened at The Iceberg after dark. Maybe, just maybe, it was the hypocrisy that upset her. She was mad at Eddie because she had a past of her own.<p>

She grumbled and rolled over in her bed trying to hide her head under her pillows. Was that what it was? Get mad at Eddie to stop being mad at herself for what she did that New Year's Eve three years ago? Was she mad about that at all? Yes. She hated herself at the thought of it. Thought, was not involved at all that night. Alcohol, that was the culprit. Waking up the next morning in a hotel bed with none other than the Clown Prince of Crime was a wakeup call for the young waitress. Drinking had to go, for a year she remained completely stone sober and until the other night, hadn't been drunk.

The harsh light of morning illuminated all realizations that had been hazy the night before. The biggest one being, she had been wrong to be mad. Holly still couldn't even begin to understand why she had felt so betrayed in the first place. Why suddenly every smile, touch, hug, whisper was to be called into question between Eddie and Ivy, especially when he had a more complicated history with another woman in their social circle. Was it because she had wronged Harley and the guilt of that overshadowed the fear of losing Eddie to her again? Or was it that she knew Harley was too wrapped up in her own love story to really give Eddie another thought? Maybe that was it. Ivy was a temptress, a seducer. A snap of her fingers and the men jumped to her. That was the fear. She had had Eddie once and could take him again.

Holly sat up in bed and rubbed her eyes. She felt foolish. Physically, yes Ivy could take what she wanted from who she wanted but she wasn't really that kind of woman. She had class and morals. The same class she used when she followed Holly into a more private setting to have their last battle. Sparing the younger girl's dignity at another public outburst. The same morals that kept her own dirty secret. Although a criminal, certifiably insane, and questionable at times, Pamela Isely, Poison Ivy, was a better person than Holly could hope to be. She just hoped that her apology would be enough to mend their fragile friendship and wouldn't fall on deaf ears.

* * *

><p>The rest had been welcomed but the dreams that accompanied it weren't. Eddie softly rubbed the golf ball sized lump on his forehead trying to ease the thoughts from his mind. Visions of his Ivy tryst danced behind his eyelids every time he closed his eyes. One more head injury and he was sure he would die. "Side note, see doctor later to make sure there is no internal bleeding," he mumbled to himself getting out of bed to look for his hostess. He found her in the kitchen, drinking a diet soda and looking through a magazine. The clock told him he had been out for well over twelve hours and the sudden loss of time made him panicky. What had he missed?<p>

Ivy looked up and smiled at him. "Hello Snow White. I was worried I would have to find your true love to wake you up."

Eddie slowly took the seat across from her. "In the original story, it was not true love's kiss that woke her. They jostled the coffin and the apple popped loose from her throat," he explained.

"And just like that, you killed fairy-tales."

"Sorry."

"We'll have to start calling you 'Reality'," she quipped.

"I do have a way of ruining things."

"I talked to Holly."

"And you still have all your limbs. Must've gone well."

"No I yelled at her and ran out before she could strike me. Well, actually that's not true. She slapped me."

"She slapped you?"

"Yeah but I slapped her first. Anyway, she was still angry. At least with me. It seems to all be my fault."

"Nothing is anyone's fault. Why does there need to be blame? There was nothing wrong done except my lack of confession to her. And she never asked me anything about my past. Had she asked, I would have freely offered up the information."

"You would have?"

"Yes. I am not ashamed."

"How about regretful?"

"What is there to regret?"  
>"Me."<p>

"I will never regret you."

Ivy smiled. "Thank you."

"Regret me?"

"Not on your life."

"Well, since you attempted to mend fences, maybe I should do the same."

"What do you mean?"  
>Eddie stood up from the table. "I don't hear or see Harvey so I'm guessing you've had no luck with him. I doubt I'll have much either but I'm still determined to try."<p>

"Oh, Eddie, don't…"

Eddie held up a hand to silence her. "Don't try to talk me out of it. Will only strengthen my resolve."

Ivy smiled sadly. "Alright then."

"Just promise me one thing."

"What?"

"When Harvey kills me, don't let Joker put a rubber chicken in my casket."

"Eddie, that's ridiculous."

"I know, he won't kill me."

"No, I meant, no one can stop Joker from chickening a casket. He's like a chicken ninja."

* * *

><p>"Of all the people in all of Gotham, you call me to help you move your dishwasher," Jonathan sighed trying again, in vain, to pull the hunk of metal out from its cubby. It didn't budge. Not even a centimeter. "You are aware I have the upper arm strength of a newborn giraffe right? There is a reason I use toxins and gasses instead of fighting Batman with my bare hands."<p>

"You act like I have a long list of friends to call when I need help like this! Trust me, if Superman was one of my contacts I would gladly give the son of Krypton a phone call," Jervis huffed.

"It's not going anywhere. Perhaps Oswald would know someone. Have a bouncer or a security guard handy to assist."

"And I'm sure it would cost me more than I'm willing to pay."

"What about Bane? He's one of us and has some considerable strength. I'm actually quite sure he could lift this thing up one handed over his head."

"What are you two doing in here?" Alice asked as she walked into the kitchen for a third time finding her boyfriend and his friend puzzling over their dishwasher.

"Some bacon lid under here," Jervis lied.

"So…"

"Don't want an ant infestation now do we?"

"Guess not." Alice walked out of the kitchen, clearly not buying their story but not really in the mood to question it further. Eventually whatever they were really doing would come to light.

"Do you think she suspects anything?"

Jonathan stared at him in disbelief. "I don't know, do you think she has a brain?"

"Quiet straw man or else I'll become your worst nightmare."

"You think you can scare me? Me?! The master of horrors! The king of fears! The overlord…"

"Yes I get it. You're scary. But not helpful. Start pulling!"

"No, I'm done showing off my lackluster strength. We're calling Bane."

Defeated, Jervis nodded in agreement and allowed the other man to call the brute strength that was Bane.

* * *

><p>Harvey sat in silent contemplation on what once might have been a nice couch but was now just a torn and dusty slab of springs and under-stuffed cushions. In his left hand he held a tumbler of scotch, neat, and in his other was a cigar which was now more ash than anything. Gilda had long been gone. Only really stopping for a minute to use the shower and have a meal. On to the next thing, whatever it was. Under normal circumstances he would've told her to beat it but his vulnerability let her stay. Wanting something, someone, anything to distract him from the conversation he was about to have.<p>

"Ash," Two Face warned.

Harvey just turned his attention to his cigar and watched as the long cylinder of ashes fall and land on the top of his bare foot. He grunted as the slight burn faded.

"Warned you."

He nodded.

"Hagen…Nigma…"

"God," Harvey sighed burying his face in his hands after setting his long forgotten scotch on the table next to him.

"I'm sorry."

"What do you have to be sorry for? I dragged us into this mess."

"I'm sorry we're a monster," Two Face sneered.

That's what it all boiled down to wasn't it? Ivy's rendezvous were all in the past but what was haunting the present was, at any moment she could wake up and realize she was wasting her time with a beast. Hagen had the ability to make himself appear normal and Eddie was full blown human. Two Face was a gnarled mess. It was what originally launched him into this insanity. The horrible disfiguration which caused him to split. All problems circled back to this. In the back of his mind he would always be afraid that his ugliness would make her leave. Why bother with a psychotic threesome when you could have as close to a normal relationship as a rogue could get with someone else?

Before he could follow this train of thought to the crazy station, his phone rang and brought him back to the dark empty dressing room in his abandoned theatre. He casually hit the green button that answered the call. "Jonathan," was all he could muster for a greeting.

"Harvey, glad I caught you. You wouldn't happen to be available at the moment would you?" Jonathan asked.

In the background, Harvey could hear a frantic squeak and something akin to a grunt…possibly a dying cow. "I'm uh…I'm…hmph…I'm not busy I suppose. What's going on?"

"Ever move a dishwasher?"

* * *

><p>Eddie's first stop on his hunt for Harvey was the theatre that Ivy said he had taken up residence in. After finding an abandoned glass of scotch, luke warm, and a still burning cigar he deduced he had just missed him. His next stop was the Iceberg because when not at home or Arkham, the Iceberg was usually where everyone was. No luck there as well. It was considered too early, even in the underworld, to drink so Eddie ordered a Shirley Temple and took up residence on a bar stool. He tried to imagine places Harvey would go to. Unfortunately, nothing came to mind. Harvey wasn't a social butterfly and had no real friends to speak of in their social circle. Bruce Wayne was probably the closest he had but he was out of town as far as Eddie knew.<p>

"What's puzzling you Riddler?" Oswald asked, chewing at the tip of his cigarette holder. How Scarlett could stand the smell of those cigarettes, Eddie would never know.

"Trying to locate our bifurcated pal."

"Looking for another ass beating?"

"Not particularly but I was hoping to have a word with him about this whole mess."

"Two Face isn't one for heart to hearts."

"No, but perhaps Harvey would be willing to hear me out. It's the least I can do. Ivy tried to speak to Holly on my behalf and I feel I owe her as much. Truth is, I have no idea what I'll say to him when I do find him. I can't even form a whole thought for Holly." Eddie stirred his child's cocktail, debating whether or not he should as what he wanted to know. Finally making a decision, he turned to Oswald and queried, "She…Holly, she wouldn't happen to be working tonight would she?"

"Scheduled but Scarlett has taken her shift. She said she wasn't feeling up to working."

Eddie grimaced.

"Don't look now, but here comes your estranged girlfriend's sister and she looks disgruntled," Oswald warned before he waddled off to watch the scene unfold at a safe distance.

Eddie heeded the advice and kept his eyes transfixed on the liquor bottles behind the bar, not daring to move or even breathe hoping that Alice had turned into a tyrannosaurus rex in the last few minutes and that her vision was based on movement. No such luck.

Not only had the rambunctious blonde spotted him, she was making a beeline for him with Sage in tow. Even pregnant, he imagined Alice would have no trouble kicking his sorry ass. Having Sage just meant he would have no way of running. He tossed back the rest of his sugary beverage and prepared to curl into a ball for protection.

"Hey Ed," Alice greeted sounding a little cranky but not at all angry. Sage just smiled with a little wave and took the spot next to Alice.

"Hell…hello?" he replied confused.

"I'm freaking starving. I have three morons in my kitchen attempting to move a dishwasher in order to 'retrieve a piece of bacon'," she made air quotes to signify her disbelief, "which if it even existed, I'm sure was carried off by ants by now. Meanwhile, I'm hungrier than a whale on the beach and can't make a sandwich because I'm not allowed in."

"I see. Um, not that I'm not grateful for the lack of ass kicking, why aren't you ripping me a new one?" Eddie hazard to ask.

"Huh?"

"Well, I'm sure you've heard about Holly and I and…"

Alice waved him off. "Don't start. I'm not getting involved. As far as I'm concerned she and Harvey are being ridiculous. So, just consider me Switzerland. Neutral."

"Ah, well, I appreciate it."

"Don't mention it."

"Wait…did you say three morons?"

"Yes…"

"I suspect one is your Jervis and the other I can assume is Jonathan since Sage is with you, but, who might the third be?"

"Harvey. They tried calling Bane but he's on a plane to Australia."

"Thank you dear!" Eddie shouted with glee slapping a fistful of cash onto the bar. "Lunch is on me ladies." He bounded for the door.

"You do know he's going to your place right?" Sage asked.

"Yeah."

"And that Harvey is going to destroy him."

"Mmmhmm."

"Which means your apartment will also be destroyed."

"Yup yup."

"Just checking."

"What you have to learn about the Rogue world is, shit is going to happen and you can either go with the flow or go insane trying to figure it out or prevent it. Just look at Batman."

* * *

><p>Eddie knocked carefully on Jervis's door as if it were made of the most delicate glass instead of heavy wood. Wood he was sure he would be thrown through in a matter of minutes. He momentarily considered calling 911 now but it was too late, Jervis was standing in the doorway gaping at him.<p>

He quickly stepped out into the hallway and closed the door behind him. "What are you doing here?"

"Hello to you too," Eddie quipped.

"You can't be here! Harvey is here helping me move my dishwasher!" Jervis frantically whispered.

"That's why I'm here. I need to speak to Harvey."

Jervis froze with fear like a deer in the headlights.

"By the way, why are you moving your dishwasher? Alice said something about bacon…"

"Oh I just told her that because I didn't want her to know her ring was under there. See, I was going to propose to her but she tripped over me and it slid under the dishwasher just beyond my reach. I don't have very good luck. No not at all."

Eddie nodded trying to keep up with the rambling. "Sounds like fun. Now, if you'll excuse me." He pushed past his small friend and entered the apartment.

Jervis followed, shaking with anxiety and nerves. He couldn't imagine a scenario where his place of residence didn't get destroyed along with any hope of retrieving his lost ring. Quickly scanning the room, he spotted a hat sitting in the corner next to his armchair. He quickly snatched it up should the need for it arise.

Jonathan spotted him first, and commended the man's bravery. He would not have the courage to confront Harvey Two Face Dent. And for all his resolve, Eddie looked like a man walking to the gallows. But when Harvey turned around to see what Jonathan was gaping at, he straightened up and put on his game face. The same one he used to confront Batman when he knew he wasn't walking away from the situation at hand.

Everyone glanced around the room at one another. No one quite sure who should speak first or if it was required that someone leave. Jonathan was the first to regain himself. He quickly grabbed the block holding the kitchen knives off the counter and tossed them into a cabinet behind him.

This gave Eddie a little more confidence and he decided to break the silence. "Ha…Ha…Harvey," he stuttered. "I…I…" squeak. He then cleared his throat. This was harder than he anticipated. "I'm here on…good lord have you always been so big?"

"Spit it out Ed," Harvey grumbled.

Eddie took a minute to compose himself. He was here on Ivy's behalf. That thought fueled his racing mind and he suddenly found new resolve. He straightened himself once more and tried again. "I won't apologize for I have nothing to be sorry for. And I'm not here for your forgiveness. You can either choose to move past this and continue our friendship or not, that has to be your choice. But I am willing to brush aside being thrown across the Iceberg like a ragdoll, just so you know. I am here because Ivy went before Holly and tried to explain her side of things." It was here that Eddie had an epiphany. "And quite honestly, it was a waste of time. Not just because Holly had no interest in her story, but because there is no explanation needed. Everyone had a life before now and you know as well as I what happens when adults get together. I didn't have a relationship with Ivy. I had a night with her. I won't regret it or apologize for it like it was a mistake because it wasn't. I will however, apologize for blurting it out in front of everyone but from what you were saying that I night, I assumed you were aware."

Harvey crossed his arms and looked at the floor taking in what Eddie was saying. It was what he had known all along but stubbornly ignored. "I accept your apology."

"Thank you. Now, onto the matter of Ivy."

Harvey snapped up now, ready to hear what he had to say.

"Call her. Talk this whole mess through because it's not worth losing her over."

"She doesn't want to hear from me."

"At the risk of relighting your rage, I was with her after Holly tossed me out and she most certainly does want to hear from you. I don't know the intimate details of your relationship but, for whatever reason, she wants you and is willing to do whatever she must to get you back. And you know Ivy, she does not bend to please people so this is pretty monumental."

"You were with her?"

"I needed somewhere to sleep."

Harvey's eyes narrowed.

"The couch, and Harley's bed. Alone. I swear."

A smile spread across Harvey's hard face. "Just razzing you."

The anxiety that had been hanging in the air quickly disappeared and the mood instantly lightened. Jervis dropped the hat he had been holding and Jonathan retrieved the knives from their hiding spot.

"Can I assume we are on good terms again?"

Harvey nodded. "I got mad at you for something that isn't really your fault."

"I can agree with that but it's not Ivy's either…"

"No, it's this," Harvey sighed waving a hand in front of his face. "It was a knee-jerk reaction to get pissed at you. Not gonna lie, it caught me off guard at the bar. But, when I sat down and got to it, the real issue is I still don't understand why anyone, especially Pammy, would want anything to do with me."

The silence returned, this time not out of fear but awkwardness.

"And I'm sorry I just admitted that," Harvey grumbled.

* * *

><p>Holly nervously chewed her thumb nail as she stared at the phone in her hand. She needed to do this. She needed to call, admit her wrongs, and move on from it. She was tired of secrets. She was tired of feeling guilty and she just wanted to move on and save what was left of her relationship. She swallowed her pride and the lump forming in her throat and hit the call button. The phone rang on the other end. She paced as she waited for the call to be answered half hoping it would be ignored and she could put this off. But the sun never shined in the underworld and Holly held her breath when she heard the "hello".<p>

"Hey, um, look, don't say anything. I just need to tell you something." She took another deep breath, held it for a second, released, and went on, "Um…a few years ago I…I um…" the tears started to form in her eyes. This could either help things move on or be the final nail in the coffin that was forming around her and Eddie. "It was New Years and I was drunk and depressed, not that either of those things is an excuse, but I went to a hotel…with Joker…I had…I slept with him and I'm so sorry and….I…"

* * *

><p>Selina and Harley arrived in Vienna. Selina had reserved a hotel room from the plane so at least they didn't have to run around town trying to find a place to stay. After checking in and getting up to their room, Selina called dibs on the bathroom for a shower. Harley jumped onto the bed, enjoying the feel of the Egyptian cotton sheets on her skin. But her peace was interrupted almost immediately by a knocking at the door and her phone ringing simultaneously. She was momentarily perplexed by the caller id and decided it was best to answer.<p>

"Hello," she answered hopping off the bed and walking to the door to see who it was, assuming it was one of the hotel staff. Hopefully not a manager throwing them out.

"Hey, um, look, don't say anything. I just need to tell you something," came Holly's voice from the other end.

Harley hesitated before opening the door feeling like this conversation was not going to be pleasant in the least.

"Um…a few years ago I…I um…"

She could hear the tears starting as she turned the handle on the door.

"It was New Years and I was drunk and depressed, not that either of those things is an excuse, but I went to a hotel…"

Harley allowed the door to slowly slide open.

"with Joker…"

Standing in the hallway, was the Clown Prince himself. Harley's eyes went wide, tears spilling out onto her cheeks. She hit the speaker phone button as Joker looked on in confusion.

"I had…I slept with him and I'm so sorry and….I…"

Joker registered it was Holly's voice coming from the phone and it took only a second to understand what she was saying. His eyes met Harley's as Holly went on.

"I don't even know what to say. I just…I needed to tell you. Harley?"

"I have to go. Joker is here," Harley replied ending the call.

"Harley," Joker began.

"When?"

"I don't know."

"When?!" she screamed not giving a damn if the other hotel patrons heard her.

It was at this point that Selina stepped out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around her for modesty. She stood just outside the bathroom door, ready to get involved if need be.

"Three years…"

"Three years? Three years ago New Year's Eve? Three years ago New Year's Eve when I was locked up in Arkham? Alone? Waiting for you? Waiting for you after going to Arkham for you so you could get away?!" With every question she got louder and louder and until she was yelling. The person in the room next to her cracked the door open.

Joker looked at the floor, the shame washing over him.

"Don't do that. Don't you dare. You fucking look at me!"

He slowly brought his eyes up to her face, not wanting to see the hurt that was plainly written across it.

"You…you cheated on me."

"Let me explain…"

"NO!" she cried. "No, you don't get to explain because there is no explanation that can justify what you did." She dug the palms of her hands into her eyes hoping when she pulled them away this would all be a dream. "There's nothing you can say to make this better. Just when I'm ready to let you back in…"

"Don't push me away. Don't let go of me. Of us."

"There is no us. You let us go when you left me in a cell and hopped into bed with Holly." Harley started to close the door but Joker stopped her with his foot.

Selina was there in an instant. She pushed Harley out of the way and got in Joker's face. "No. Go. Get out."

"Selina please."

"No. Just go."

Joker slowly pulled back. He gave Harley one last pleading look but found nothing in her face that was asking him to stay.

* * *

><p>As they usually do, things went horribly wrong in Jervis's kitchen. The dishwasher was still firmly in place, not moving but an inch. Harvey insisted he needed help but neither Jervis nor Jonathan were capable of assisting him. Which is why Jervis and Jonathan were nervously standing on top of GCPD. They both jumped, momentarily startled when a dark figure dropped down from the sky behind them.<p>

"What are you two doing up here?" Nightwing asked baffled.

"We were um…waiting for Batman," Jervis squeaked.

"He's otherwise occupied."

"He'll more than do Jervis," Jonathan chimed in.

"Fine, I'll ask."

"Um…" Nightwing took a step back not sure what was about to go down but certain it wasn't going to be anything close to a fun time.

"Have you ever moved a dishwasher?"


	20. Broken Bridge

Author's Note: Keeping it going here. Moving on. Hoping all my lovelies are coming back and reading. Thank you to the few people who've reviewed/messaged me. Means a lot!

* * *

><p>Sometimes our emotions can be entities. We personify them in order to help us cope with what's happening. They hang around us like an unwelcome house guest, never leaving and never bringing anything good to the party. For Harley and Selina, there might as well have been a party clown in their room wearing a name tag that read "Shock". It danced in the air and just when they both thought is was starting to dissipate, that wretched beast would drape an arm around both of them and blow its little horn signaling another round of horror. Both were waiting, dreading for different reasons, the inevitable…when the Tipster would break this new nugget of information. And she would. Somehow, someway, she would find out and let the whole world know the most intimate of secrets between this newly wrecked couple and again Harley would have to bare the shame and hurt of knowing what happened and Joker would relive the moment he made the most fatal of mistakes and the moment it came to light. Shock would return with a large guest list of new emotions.<p>

It had been nearly 40 minutes since Harley had closed the door on Joker, and more than likely, any future she had with him. Selina had tried to start a conversation but what could she possibly say? Are you ok? Obviously no. Who the hell would be? Do you want anything? What could possibly make this better? Although that question had answered itself when Harley staggered toward the mini bar and grabbed all the little bottles, dumping them onto the bed, and taking the spot next to them. She popped open a little blue one first. Downing it in a single gulp. Only letting a grimace grace her pixie-like face for a second before she wiped it away and reached for another bottle repeating the process. Selina decided silence was best for now and when she was ready, Harley would say what she needed to. So, she gently took the empty spot next Harley and watched as the normally perky blonde downed bottle after bottle, trying to erase the last five minutes from her mind.

The last bottle was empty leaving Harley to stare pitifully at the empty spot on the bed where they had been lying. "Damn it," she whispered.

Selina decided now was as good a time as any to begin a conversation, the silence was beginning to grate on her nerves and she was tired of shock hanging around their room. "How are you feeling?"

"I don't feel anything. Nothing. I'm numb," Harley replied. Then she grabbed an empty bottle out of the garbage, dangled it in the air between her and Selina, and said "I'd very much like some more nothing."

"Of course. What are we drinking?"

"How about wine. Something red."

"Coming right up." Selina called down to room service for a few bottles and took the opportunity to get dressed.

They remained silent until the bottles were delivered and the drinks poured. Harley remained on the bed, her back up against the wall and her legs spread out in front of her. Selina curled up into the large armchair in the corner. It was Harley who spoke first. "Part of me wants to know what his explanation was. What explanation could there possibly be? What could he come up with that would right this whole situation?"

"It would have to be something pretty fantastic," Selina agreed.

"And I don't…I can't…I have no clue what hurts more here. It happened? That he lied about it, hid it from me for so long? Or that she…she told me."

"Why did she tell you?"

"She felt guilty. She felt fucking guilty. Congratulations! I hope your guilt is gone. I hope you feel so much better and that you sleep like a baby while I sit here dying inside because you needed to relieve your guilt!" Harley raged. "No! No that is what is killing me the most! She needed to ease her guilt and without a thought about how I would feel, what it would do to me, she just blurts it out. In an effort to fix her own life she totally destroyed mine."

Selina sat there silently and listened as Harley poured her heart out. There were so many different sides to this story, she couldn't really grasp the logic behind any of it. The only thing she did know was that no matter how you looked at it, Harley was the victim and probably not the only one suffering.

"He was always a bad guy and bad guys will always hurt you in the end," Harley sighed finally letting all her defeat take over.

"Good guys hurt you too," Selina reminded her.

"So if the good guys hurt you and the bad guys hurt you, what do you do?"

Selina took a sip of wine and mauled it over in her head. What do you do? "You have to decide if the good parts are worth the pain. Does everything else soothe the hurt? Are the highs higher than the lows? Does laughing with him erase the nights of crying alone?"

"Introspection."

"What we all try to avoid, the questions that echo through our minds."

Harley nodded. "I'm not ready for that yet"

"No one expects you to be. No one expects you to analyze this at all. And no one, especially me, would fault you for just letting this go. I don't know how you could look past all the things you have let alone this."

"Because I'm an idiot."

"No, I think you're the smart one. We all give up so easily. Not just the Rogues but people in general. It gets hard and we all bail. Very few people have the courage and the brains to fight for what they want in this life and you, you dig your nails in and hold on for dear life because it's everything for you. You dive headfirst and love wholeheartedly."

"And look what it got me."

"A love story that will transcend time."

"Or a cautionary tale for the ages to come."

"Is the glass half empty or half full?"

"Either way, I need to refill my glass," Harley joked topping herself off.

"Is there anything I can do?"

"Go back to the day I walked into Arkham and warn me."

Selina offered a sad smile. "Oh little girl, I don't think there is a warning I could've given you that would've turned you away from him." Harley got up and went into the bathroom and when she closed the door Selina went on "Just like there isn't a warning I could give you now that would stop you from going back."

* * *

><p>After Eddie left, Ivy decided her head was too cluttered to sit in the empty apartment so she quickly changed into her cropped yoga pants and a clean t-shirt and headed off to the park for a run. Normally she'd allow the sounds of nature to be her music but not today. Today she needed loud pounding drums and the screech of a guitar to keep her thoughts in check. Scrolling through her iPod, she decided on Garbage and began her race against herself.<p>

Harvey had decided to walk through the park on his way to what used to be, and what he hoped again would be, his home. He saw her coming long before she nearly ran into him as she crossed his path. He watched as she carelessly stepped in front of him, her arm brushing his chest as she ran by, and then continued going with only an apologetic wave. Completely unaware that she had nearly collided with the man she was in love with. With a bemused smile, he quickly exited the park and headed to the apartment. While he wasn't completely sure what he would say or even do when he left Jervis's and started making his way here, he had no doubt in his mind now.

That little moment in time, the brief contact, sent a million jolts of electricity through him. His heart skipped a beat as her skin flowed across his shirt. Her scent invaded his nose and overloaded his thoughts. Suddenly every moment they shared flashed before his eyes and just as quickly as it all hit him, it was gone and he was left with the dull ache and emptiness he had been living with for the past day. As he punched the elevator button for their floor, he couldn't help but smile. It felt so good to be home.

* * *

><p>White noise. That was the only way Holly could describe the sound of Oswald Cobblepot, or anyone else, at this moment. She sat in the chair on the other side of his desk as he prattled on. She was supposed to be making a list of all the things he wanted for the night he was going to pop the question to Scarlet. The notebook was perched on her crossed knee, pen loosely held between her fingers, pages blank. She hadn't heard a word he said in the last 30 minutes. There were too many other pressing matters taking up her thoughts.<p>

Oswald paused in his ramblings when he noticed his question was going unanswered. The fact that it took 30 minutes for him to realize his head waitress wasn't listen was a testament to just how much of a blowhard he was. He peered over her shoulder and was immediately dismayed to see a blank piece of paper. His grimace caused the column of ash at the end of his cigarette to fall. It was the slight warm pain on her hand that brought Holly back to Earth. She knew every "quack" that ever came from his mouth and the particular one that just popped out from between his lips meant someone was about to get an ass beating. Since she was the only one in the office, she gathered it was going to be her.

"Preoccupied dear?" he hissed.

"Sorry Mr. Cobblepot, I really really am. My head just isn't with it tonight," Holly apologized, knowing it was no good and completely thankful there wasn't an umbrella in sight.

"Perhaps you should take the night off. How about every night this week? Or this month? Or for the rest of your life as you look for another job with a boss who won't bore you!" he roared.

Holly shrunk down into the chair with every word. The last thing she needed tonight was to be fired. "I'm really sorry," she said in little more than a whisper.

Oswald chewed his black cigarette holder as he took a seat in his desk chair. He watched her squirm as he scrutinized her with his small eyes. When he saw the tears starting to form in her eyes, he pulled the handkerchief out of his jacket pocket and handed it to her. "There'll be none of that."

Holly gratefully took the white hankie and dabbed at her eyes.

"Forget the engagement party for now. I don't think I've ever seen you so…"

"Pathetic?" she offered.

"I was thinking defeated but we'll use your word. Usually when I give you guff you dish it right back, which is why I hired you. Your gumption and sass. Is this still the Ivy business?"

"No…yes…kind of…"

"Before we continue this conversation, will I be getting a straight answer out of you at any point?"

"Yes."

"Alright, so, tell me what is going on."

"It started with the Ivy business. She called me out on some of my bullshit and I decided she was right. I thought the best way to handle it was confront it but now I'm doubting myself and regretting ever saying anything."

"What did I ask? Will I be getting a straight answer? I can't help you with your problem if I don't know the problem. It's like talking to Jervis after a pot of tea."

Holly took a deep breath. "You can not tell a single soul what I am about to tell you. If you do I will send Scarlet out into the world with the Visa black card you have hidden in the safe."

"Very well. You have my word I will not tell a soul."

"I…it was a long time ago mind you…but…I…stupidly I might add…"

"Good lord woman! What is it? What could possibly be so horrible?"

Holly looked at the ground, she was not ready in anyway to lose Oswald's respect.

"Come now, it can't be all that bad. Not like you…oh…I don't know…it's not like you slept with the Joker." He chuckled a little at the ridiculous thought. But when Holly refused to meet his eyes and slumped over even further, he realized his little joke was really the harsh truth. His mouth fell open and his black cigarette holder dropped to his desk, sending ash everywhere. "Oh for the love of…"

"I know!" Holly shouted jumping up from the chair and pacing the room. "I know. I know! I…Know!" She rested her forearms on the back of the chair and bent over taking deep breaths.

"What would posses you…"

"Oh don't even get into the reasons right now because I'm not done."

"Not done? What? Did you bare his child?"

"Ha! No. Although that is probably the only thing that could make this worse. No, this is the part that has completely wrecked my world."

Oswald stiffened and tried to prepare himself for what was next because as far as he was concerned, you couldn't do worse than having a romp with the underworld's resident clown.

"Ivy called me out on being a hypocrite for being angry at her for sleeping with Eddie when I myself had a one nighter with Joker. I was haunted by her accusation and I decided to do something about it."

Realization dawned on him and Oswald began to shake his head vigorously. "You didn't! You did not! There is no way you would be so stupid!"

Holly bit her lip and nodded. "I did. I called Harley and told her all about it."

"Do you have a death wish? The only thing separating her hands from your throat is an ocean and it wouldn't surprise me if at this very second she was piloting a plane headed straight for your apartment. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned? Ha! Satan himself wouldn't stand in the way of that woman when she is in a fit of violent rage. And may God have mercy on our very souls if it's that time of the month because not only are you dead but the whole damned city will be ablaze!"

"I know!"

"Why? How could you for one second think that was a good idea?"

"I don't know! Maybe after all the time spent around you people I finally caught your fucking insanity!"

Oswald snatched his cigarette holder off his desk and put a fresh one in. Holly quickly nabbed his lighter and lit the tip when he put it in his mouth. "You say Ivy called you out on this, why on Earth does she know?"

"After it happened I needed to tell someone and I knew she could keep a secret. I just, needed to confide in someone about the dumb thing I did."

"Alright, next question, why did it happen?"

"New Year's Eve. I was drunk, I was upset, I was weak. I really don't have a concrete answer. I think maybe the loneliness got to me and I just let go."

"Most women in that situation buy a cat and eat ice cream."

"Congratulations, you discovered that when faced with this particular situation, I hide in bed...with other people. Look, we can play the game of Why Did I Do That all day but it won't do a damn thing for me now. Right now, I may have homicidal scorned woman coming my way with the intent to get medieval on my ass. And God only knows what will happen to me when Joker finds out I told."

"I hadn't even considered that."

"Truthfully I hadn't either until this moment."

"You think you would be in fear for your life first."

"No, honestly I've been thinking about how Harley sounded on the phone." Holly took a seat again and pressed the heels of her palms into her eyes. "You should've heard her. It was like she got sucker punched and couldn't breathe."

"Probably how she felt too. You blindsided her, on the phone no less."

"I know."

"Well, the thing to do now is let it simmer. I know you want to probably call her again and try to explain yourself but the fact of the matter is, there is nothing you, or anyone else for that matter, can say that will help her. She needs to process this information and hopefully if anger starts to overtake her, Selina can talk her down."

"Or maybe tie me up with her whip so Harley can kill me with more ease."

"There's always a chance that could happen. But I think you will find that Selina is one of the more diplomatic members of our society and she will be able to diffuse this situation better than anyone else."

"I hope you're right."

"Me too."

* * *

><p>At first, Nightwing was 100% positive this was some sort of trap. There was no way two of Gotham's rogues would signal Batman to move a dishwasher. But then again, they didn't give up on their plan upon learning of Batman's inability to be there. Surely though, they had to have someone else in their circle who could do these things. Bane perhaps? None the less, he followed them to the apartment Jervis claimed as his own, nervously. Unsure he wanted one of Gotham's most prized citizens knowing where he resided. Harvey sat at the kitchen table flipping through a magazine, waiting for their return. Jervis explained that they only had a minute because Alice would surely return shortly. It was all so surreal. All too much to take in at once. Almost like a dream, which is exactly what Barbara said when Dick told her the story later.<p>

"You sure you weren't dreaming?" Barbara asked for what had to be the hundredth time.

"I was awake! I was on patrol! I swear, the signal came on, I dropped down onto the roof and there was Scarecrow and Hatter and they wanted me to help Harvey move a dishwasher to retrieve an engagement ring!"

Barbara just stared, dumbstruck.

"It just keeps getting weirder and weirder in my life."

"You sure you didn't get hatted?"

"Who hats someone and makes them think they moved a dishwasher?"

"I don't question those crazies I just track them down and stop them. Getting into their head in Batman's job and look where that got him."

"I don't even feel like I feel down the rabbit hole anymore. This is officially beyond Alice's adventures. It's more like being abducted by aliens."

"Should we put you on that show on the History channel?"

"I'm going to look like that dude soon. That's what really happened to him. He came to Gotham and had a run in with the looney toons squad," Dick groaned.

"At least you can say your life isn't boring," she teased.

"Yeah, thankful for that."

"So did you do it?"

"What?"

"Get the ring from under the dishwasher?"

"Oh, that, yeah. We couldn't get it to move. That thing is made of cement or something. But I was able to get a batarang under there and swipe the ring out from under."

"What did it look like?"

"Barbara, you know what the batarangs look like. You had them yourself."

"Oh my God you are such a man. The ring!"

"Oh! Yeah, duh. It was a teacup."

"A teacup?"

"Yeah. Hatter. Alice. Teacup."

"That makes sense I guess."

"Yup."

"Hmmm. Hatter getting engaged. Never thought I'd see the day."

"I never thought I'd see the day when any of this shit happened."

"Aliens?"

"Aliens."

* * *

><p>The door was unlocked. Ivy knew without a doubt she had locked the door before leaving. It was unlocked now. It didn't look forced open so she assumed it was unlocked by someone who had a key. Who all had a key to the apartment? Could Harley or Selina have returned? Surely they would've called or the Tipster would've put it out there. She slowly, silently, carefully opened the door. Glancing around, there was no one in the living room or in the kitchen. She crept in. Nothing looked disturbed or out of place. She tiptoed toward the hallway leading to the bedrooms and that's when she heard someone coming out of the bathroom. She quickly backed herself to the living room and pressed herself up against the wall next to the hallway. The intruder was out of the bathroom now and heading her way. She was ready. They strolled past her without a glance in her direction. Ivy kicked out the back of their knees and grabbed an empty vase off the table as the intruder tumbled to the ground. She roared as she lifted the large ceramic vessel over her head, ready to smash it on the back of their head.<p>

"Damn it woman!" Harvey grumbled rolling over shielding his face from any upcoming blows.

"Harvey!" Ivy was so shocked she dropped the vase, which promptly landed on Harvey's little Harvey causing him to double over and grip himself. "I'm sorry! I didn't know it was you!" She dropped down to her knees beside him and took him into a hug.

"And after learning it was you decided to crack my nuts?"

"Oh! Oh my god I am so sorry."

"Not as sorry as I am," he grunted trying to catch a breath.

"Want me to help you up?"

"No. Nope. I'm going to just stay down here for now."

"Okay. Want some ice?"

"No. I'll be good. Just give me a second."

"I can't believe you're here," she said with a smile. "Why are you here?"

"Trying my hand at being a masochist. I don't like it," he joked. Harvey sat up and took a deep breath. "Okay, I think I can stand now."

Ivy helped him to his feet and then onto the couch. "I'm really happy to see you."

"Despite the less than warm homecoming, I'm happy to see you too." He reached over and stroked the loose piece of hair that always stubbornly hung in her face.

"Homecoming? As in coming home?"

"I'm not expecting you to take me back right away but…"

"Of course I do."

"Ivy listen…"

"No, look, I can keep apologizing for what happened but the truth is I didn't do anything wrong and with HER," she refused to utter Gilda's name, "under your belt again, I'd say we're squared."

Harvey sighed. "There is no her. I never did anything with Gilda. Well, I mean, when we were married, but not the other night. She came looking for me for a place to crash. I gave her a couch and she helped herself to my closet. That was all."

"Oh."

"There is no square. There is nothing to square. I used to be married. You used to be single. We used to fool around. We now are in a relationship and what happens now is what is important. I have never in my life loved someone the way I love you, the way we love you. You have soothed the savage beast in me and I think that's what drove me crazy. The thought of you with someone else but the fact is that was the past. I don't have to like it, but I have to accept it. The way you don't like Gilda but you accept that it happened."

"So…"

"So I acted like an ass and I'm sorry. I would like to move on and go back to what we had. I know it can't happen over night and I'm willing to work on it. If you don't want me back in the apartment, I understand."

"Get your shit and get back here."

"You mean it?"

"Yeah. I missed having you here."

"I missed you too."

Ivy leaned in and gave him a short sweet kiss and that's when she remembered Eddie. "Damn."

"Not the reaction I was looking for Pam."

"Eddie."

"Harvey," he grumbled.

"No, I mean," she took a deep breath, "Holly tossed Eddie out and let him have the couch. He's trying to work it out with her now but if he can't, I told him he could stay if he needed to."

"Oh, we're good."

"What?"

"We talked it all out. We're friends again. No big deal."

Ivy stared at him for a minute, confused. "Just like that?"

"Yes."

"Men are so strange."

"Women aren't exactly easy either."

"I will concede to that."

* * *

><p>The perks of being Bruce Wayne are many but Bruce's favorite one had to be the unlimited use of the Wayne Industries jet. Especially on days like this where he had been dead set on going back to Gotham when he got on the plane but as soon as it got into the air, he had changed his mind.<p>

"Where to then now sir?" the pilot asked, confused.

"Good question. Hold on." Bruce whipped out his phone and quickly dialed the one number he was swore he would never willingly call, the Joker's.

"Hello," Joker sighed.

"You sound like hell."

"I'm not in the mood."

"That's new."

"Long story."

"I'll keep this short. Did you find them?"

"Yes. Vienna."

"Vienna," Bruce told the pilot and then made his way back to a comfortable armchair seat. "What happened?"

"My world fell apart."

"Want to elaborate?"

"No. Not really."

This was dangerous, Bruce had never heard him so deflated. "Where are you?"

"Vienna airport."

"Don't get on a plane. Stay there. I'll be there in 3, 4 hours tops."

"And?"

"And we'll sort this all out."

"Why?"

"Why? Why? Because we're…" oh god he didn't want to say it. "We're…best…friends." That startling realization that in truth, by definition, Bruce Wayne and the Joker were best friends was like an anvil hitting him in the head. This whole thing was such a mess. "It's because of you I'm going to Vienna anyway. Your blind faith in chasing after the girl you love. So, here I am, blindly following."

"I don't think you can help this."

"You don't know what I can do."

"I don't know."

"Look, what do you have to lose?"

"A limb."

Bruce didn't get the joke but he was sure he would later. "Here's the deal, let me try. If I fail, you get a free ride home on my private jet."

"Deal."

* * *

><p>Harley decided she needed to get out of the room for a bit, and while she had no interest in drinking anymore, she found a seat at the bar none the less. She ordered a Shirley Temple and stared forlornly at the wall behind the bar.<p>

The bartender walked over to her holding a small plate with an ornate pink cupcake on top. It glittered with light pink sprinkles atop bright pink frosting. She could see the deep red under the rapper telling her it was more than likely red velvet cake, her favorite. A slice of strawberry was skewered in to the top by a plastic white heart stick. It was the cupcake embodiment of Valentine's Day in her opinion and was the very one she had been eyeing casually in the small bar top display case every now and then since she sat down.

"I didn't ask for this," she told him as the older gentleman sat the pink delicious creation down in front of her.

He smiled wide, "Compliments of the gentleman at the end of the bar."

Harley didn't want to look. Most men would buy a lady a drink, not a cupcake. Clearly it was someone who knew her. He said gentleman, so that ruled out Selina. Her brain told her that logically it had to be Joker. She wasn't in the mood for his games and his bullshit. She put on her best "fuck off" face and grabbed the plate as she turned to get up. But when she faced the other end of the bar to confront her cupcake gifter, she didn't see Joker. Actually, for a few seconds she didn't see anyone she recognized. Harley sat back down and put the plate back on the bar. Confused, she continued to look and the she realized that the two gentlemen with their backs to her weren't two men at all, but one man, and when he turned back to face the bar, she realized he was indeed someone she recognized from Gotham life, Bane.

He glanced over her way and caught her eye. He smiled, and nodded toward the cupcake.

Harley motioned to the seat next to her and waited for him to get up and make his way over. "Thank you," she said when he got settled into the chair.

"You're welcome. I saw you drooling over it."

"Was trying to behave myself."

"Indulge. You're on vacation."

"I wouldn't call this mess a vacation."

"Well then indulge. I'm on vacation."

Harley smiled and took a fork full of the sugary sweetness into her mouth. It was indeed red velvet cake, and by far the best had ever had. "This is so amazing."

"Good."

"Want a bite?" She held the fork out to him.

Bane shrugged and took it from her, getting himself a piece of the small cake. He popped it into his mouth and nodded. It was rather delicious.

"Most fellas buy a girl a drink."

"I have no interest in bedding you Miss Quinn and since you're drinking Shirley Temples, I assume you aren't in a drinking mood."

"Not really, no."

"Strange to see you here."

"Yeah it was a random destination on Selina's part."

"I see."

"I could say the same for you."

"Vienna is my secret retreat. I come here to enjoy the history, the scenery, the lack of familiar faces."  
>"I guess we ruined that."<p>

Bane shook his head. "I do not mind you or Miss Kyle so much. But am I right to assume your Joker will not be far behind?"

Harley angrily chomped on another piece of cupcake. "He ain't my anything."

"Oh?"

"I don't think he'll be showing his face here again. If he had any sense he'd be on a plane back to Gotham. Or better yet, a plan into the ocean."

"I offer my condolences."

"I already had the funeral. This is just the wake."

"Do you care to talk about it?"

Harley shook her head. "No. I don't wanna ruin your vacation with my relationship woes. Forget it. I'm going to. As a matter of fact, from this point on I'm going to enjoy whatever happens."

"That's the spirit Miss Quinn."

"Harley Bane. Call me Harley."

"Harley." Bane raised his glass to her. "Here's to enjoying ourselves."

"To enjoying ourselves," she agreed raising her own glass and lightly tapping it against his.

* * *

><p>What are all my little Gothamites up to? Hmmm...I have Harvey last seen going back to his love nest with Ivy, Eddie hanging around his old pad, a Joker in Austria, and someone said they saw Nightwing leaving Jervis's. Um...I think that one might have been assisted by drugs. I mean, Nightwing? Hanging out with Hatter? I don't see it. I think it's safe to say if our favorite clown is whre the hills are alive with the sound of music, our frauline Harley is there too and Selina is probably high on a hill with a lonely goat. Which would explain why Brucie's plane did a 360 in mid flight. He must've heard her yodelei yodelei yodelei-he-who! But after all that drama between Ivy and Eddie, this is boring. I need some spice guys! Where's my new juicy story? Where's my excitement? Where's my hot gossip? Where's my...oh...well hello...here's my scandal. But I'm not giving it to you just yet. I'm going to hang onto this for a bit but I'll give you a hint, our favorite no nonsense waitress isn't as clean as she would have us believe.<p> 


	21. Dirty Little Secret

Author's Note: I'm sorry I'm the worst updater in the world I know. But I promise to be more dedicated from here on out and I'm even cooking up a whole new story. Something drastically different that I hope you'll all enjoy. But for now, on the with the show.

* * *

><p>The Tipster's mysterious update did exactly what the little sociopath and hoped, it titillated the members of Gotham society who enjoyed peeking into Gotham's seedy underworld and put the Rogues on red alert. While having their secrets on display at all was rather unwelcomed, much of it could be brushed off or dealt with. Years of reports, articles, books, etc on their lives had prepared them well for this onslaught. But something big was coming.<p>

Harvey angrily glared at the little screen in his hand. "I can practically hear the bitch salivating."

Ivy casually glanced over his shoulder to read the update and then went back to watering her plants. "It's probably nothing. Just her way of getting everyone into a tizzy."

"No, that's not her style. Something is coming. Something we're not going to like."

"Tell me one thing she said that we did like."

"Good point."

"Don't worry about her."

"How can I not? Think about it, this mess, all the shit happening, it's because of her. Giving out locaions, mindless gossip, that was all one thing, but she's starting to let secrets fly. We're all so paranoid about people finding out what we keep hidden we're outing ourselves."

Harvey had no idea how right he was. At that very minute, the entire underworld was turning itself upside down and pouring it's heart out. Life was about to become more complicated.

* * *

><p>Holly hadn't even full processed the Tipster update before Oswald Cobblepot's name and picture (a cartoon penguin with a monacle and top hat holding a martini, Holly saw it online and couldn't stop giggling when she made it his contact picture) took over the screen where the message had been. He was calling her. Last thing she needed was a rambling list of more ridiculous things he was requesting for the over the top proposal. "Mr. Cobblepot, what can I do for you?"<p>

"I'm calling to see what I can do for you," he replied.

"Um..."

"The Tipster," he went on, like it was any kind of real explanation.

Holly raised and eyebrow. The Tipster? Nothing really out of the ordinary there. The usual lame puns, sightings. Well, there was that little tease but...it...couldn't... "That couldn't be what she meant."

"Holly don't be naïve."

"How could she even find out?" She was pacing now, frantic, parting the curtains a sliver to peek out the terrace window as if she expected the Tipster to just be standing there.

"How does she find out any of this nonsense?" Oswald retorted.

"You didn't tell anyone did you?"

Although she couldn't see him, Oswald had adopted a look of utter disgust as if someone had defectaed on his desk right in front of his very eyes. When he regained himself, he said "Why yes, just after you left I called up Ethel and we talked all about it. Then we cooked up a hair brained scheme to get Joker to let me in the show! Of course I didn't tell anyone and the very idea of...the question alone is offensive Holly! I am not some loose lipped gossip."

Immediately Holly felt horrible for even daring to think Oswald would spill the beans. "You're right, I'm sorry. I'm just stressed out. Let's just assume this is what she's going to let loose. What do we do?"

"We find the leak and track her down from there. This ends now. But, before we do, I think it might be best to let a certain someone know before the Tipster does."

"Who?" Holly didn't know why she even asked. She already knew who he was implying.

"Mr. Nigma."

Holly peeked out the window again and chewed her lip.

"Look, we could fail. If this gets out he'll be..."

"He'll be nothing," Holly interrupted. "He wants me to move past Ivy he has to move past Joker and it was...it..."

"It was in the past," Oswald offered.

She could hear the smirk in his voice. "Damn it."

"You can't honestly tell me this realization hasn't hit you before now."

"No. It hit me when Ivy threw Joker in my face. I just hate realizing it over and over again. God, what do I tell him?"

"About Joker or about how you're a hypocrite?"

"I think they go hand in hand."

"Start with an apology and go from there I guess but do it quickly. Meet me at my office by 3." With that, Oswald hung up.

Holly looked at the clock on the wall, it read 12:30. She still had to shower, get dressed, and find Eddie, and then cross town to the Iceburg. "I wonder if anyone knows the number for The Flash?" she mused making a sprint to the bathroom.

* * *

><p>"The Queen of Hearts knows about the tarts!" Jervis frantically squealed into the phone.<p>

Eddie, with one eye open, checked the clock next to the bed. It was after noon. Really, it was ridiculous to still be in bed at this hour and was surprised Ivy herself hadn't woken him earlier. Although, perhaps she was otherwise engaged with welcoming Harvey home. Suddenly he remembered the raving lunatic on his phone. "Jervis. Jervis. JERVIS!" he screamed in an effort to get the madman to stop rambling on and on. He heard a squeak and then silence. He took it as a sign Jervis was ready to listen.

"Now, I need you to calmly, slowly, and without the use of Wonderland characters, excplain to me what is going on."

"The Tipster! The Tipster! She knows!"

"Knows what?"

"She knows about," here Jervis dropped down to a whisper "she knows about the ring."

"How do you know?"

"The update! Didn't you read it?"

"No, I was sleeping."

"It's past noon."

"Suddenly you're the Clock King?"

"I was just surprised is all."

"Back to the matter at hand, what exactly did the update say?"

"That she had a secret, a really big one, and that she wasn't ready to spill it yet but it was coming. It has to be it. It just has to!"

"Better beat her to the punch then."

"But the moment..."

"Forget the moment!" Eddie hollered jumping out of bed and starting down the hall. "The moment is...fuck the moment! The moment is now! Every moment is the moment because you love her. Because she is the one. Because every moment she isn't wearing that ring is a moment wasted!"

The sudden outburst had startled Jervis and caused him to fall off the closed toilet he had been crouched on top of. He hit the flusher as he went.

Eddie pulled the phone away from his ear upon hearing the flush. "You did not call me while you were dropping the deuce did you?"

Harvey popped his head up over the couch, wondering how he was involed.

"Not you Harvey, talking about the bathroom."

Harvey didn't want any details. He just dropped back down out of site. Ivy, who was standing in the kitchen, mouthed "what?" but Eddie waved her off for the time being.

"Good heavens no!" Jervis croaked. "I was just perched upon the toilet. Hiding from Alice in the bathroom. I fell over."

"I...I don't even want to get into it. Look, bottom line. Get out of the bathroom this moment and propose to that woman."

"I can't."

"Why the hell not?"

"Now I have to pee."

Eddie gave his phone the side eye and shook his head. "Pee. Wash your hands. Propose."

"I will!"

"Good luck. God's speed." Eddie hung up and tossed the phone onto the table.

"Do we want to know?" Ivy asked.

"Jervis. He's in a panic over the Tipster. He seems to think she has stumbled upon his intention to propose to Alice."

"Ah I see. And the deuce?"

"Oh he was on the toilet and fell off."

Ivy gave him a questioning look.

"Not on the toilet but on the toilet. He was sitting on it. Not using it." Eddie tried to clarify.

"The image is still burned into my mind."

"Yeah, me too."

"What is he going to do?"

"Pee and then propose I guess."

"Your phone is ringing again," Ivy told him not wanting to further comment on Jervis's bathroom activities and thankful for the distraction.

"Dear lord it's Jervis again." Eddie hit the answer button with all the annoyance he could muster. "Look Hatter..."

"IT FELL IN!" Jervis shrieked.

"What did?"

"THE RING!"

"Jervis?" Alice called through the door. "Are you okay?"

"NO I'M NOT OKAY! I NEED..." he faltered.

"Pepto. You need Pepto Bismal now," Eddie hissed through the phone.

"PEPTO! I NEED PEPTO BISMAL! QUICKLY DEAR!"

"Alright? I'll go to the store..." Alice walked away from the door.

"HELP ME!"

"What?" Alice yelled back.

"PEPTO!"

"Okay, first of all, calm down. Stop yelling. Second of all, I am coming over. Now, is it..."

"It was flushed."

"Of course it was."

"What if it's gone?"

"Don't panic I'm on my way. In the mean time, call the closest markets and tell them under no circumstances can they sell Alice Pepto. We need to keep her out of the house as long as possible."

"Right."

"I'm on my way." Eddie hung up again. "Jervis flushed the ring. We'll need help."

"I'll get my toolbox," Harvey grumbled.

Ivy pulled out her phone and dialed Sage. "We'll distract Alice."

"I'm starting to think this ring has no intention of being on Alice's finger," Harvey sighed.

"I'm going to find it and stick it on there myself."

* * *

><p>Sage had bolted out the door with half a muffin crammed in her mouth and no explanation what was going on. Normal people would chase after their girlfriend or even call them but in the Rogue world you just sit back and wait for the chaos to spill over onto you. Jonathan's phone lit up three seconds later. Chaos was here.<p>

"Dr. Crane," he answered casually.

"Doctor my ass. You're a patient like the rest of us," Eddie muttered.

"Did you call just to insult me?"

"No, happy bonus. What do you know about plumbing?"

Jonathan wondered for a second if this was a joke but then he recalled the dishwasher incident the day before. "The ring?"

"Yup."

"Where is it now?"

"Flushed down a toilet."

"Son of a bitch."

"I'm heading over with Harvey now."

"I'll meet you there."

* * *

><p>"Oh hell," Selina hissed. The Tipster, always the thorn in her side. What could she possibly have now?<p>

"What's new pussycat?" Harley sang stepping into the bedroom area of their suite.

"Tipster update. Apparently she has some juicy nugget of information she isn't ready to share yet," she explained. Selina watched Harley root around in the dresser for some clothes. "You don't think she knows about...you know?"

Harley shrugged. "Maybe."

"Maybe?"

"I'm not caring. Let everyone find out."

"I'm sorry, I must be in the wrong room because Harley would not be this calm."

"I ran into Bane last night."

"Bane?"

"Yeah Bane. He's on vacation here too. Anyway, I ran into him and we were talking..."

"If this story ends with you banging Bane, I don't want to hear it...I just want to know how big he is."

"I didnt bang Bane. I just came to the realization I need to just be happy and let the past be the past. It happened. He screwed me. It's not happening again and I'm not letting it keep me from living my life."

"Well I'm proud of you."

"You're disappointed about Bane aren't you?"

"I just wonder if it's so scale or does it look tiny by comparison?"

Harley wondered this herself. "He's in the hotel."

"I'm not banging Bane," Selina said firmly.

"We're not banging Bane. We can just sneak a peek."

"Are we really going to peep Bane?"

"What else do we have to do here?"

"Good point."

* * *

><p>Holly's shower was really more of a rinse and she had no time to primp. Her wet hair was tangled up into a messy bun which would produce a head of frizzy curls later. She had grabbed the first pair of semi clean jeans she found on the floor and the first shirt that didn't smell, which happened to be Eddie's shirt, a light green button up shirt that still smelled faintly like his cologne. She pulled it on and took a deep breath of his scent and wondered if this was the las time she would be able to smell him. If he would be able to take his own advice and move on from this or if he had decided she wasn't worth his time over the whole Ivy thing. No time to think about it now and certainly no time for tears.<p>

She grabbed the closest pair of shoes and headed for the door. She caught sight of herself in the mirror before she left. She certainly looked the part of pathetic in her baggy boyfriend jeans, large men's shirt, and dirty old sneakers with her soggy bun. He had to at least take pity on her appearance. Holly quickly hailed and cab and gave him Ivy's addresss. It was the last known place he had been. She knocked and was surprised no one answered the door. She pulled out her phone and tried to find a number to call. The obvious choice would be Eddie but she didn't want to start this on the phone. Ivy, but she could still be pissed at her. Harvey? Was Harvey talking to Ivy or Eddie yet? Would Harvey even know? Holly decided on Alice because at the very least she could call any one of the others and get his location.

"What?!" Alice barked.

"Um...hello to you too?"

"I don't have time for your woe is me bullshit."

"I'm just looking for Eddie. What is going on?"

"I have been to 6 different carryouts and none of them have Pepto and Jervis is either dying in our bathroom or up to something and my money is on up to something since yesterday he was being all weird about bacon in the kitchen!"

"Bacon?"

"He claimed bacon was under the dishwasher. Look, I don't know where Eddie is and I don't have time to play detective. Oh hell, here comes Ivy and Sage."

"Ivy?"

"Did I stutter?"

"Sorry prego! Can you please ask Ivy if she knows where Eddie is?"

"Hold on." Alice pulled the phone away from her ear and asked "Either of you know where Ed is?"

"He's at..." Sage began but was cut off when Ivy elbowed her in the stomach.

"Whoops sorry dear. Nope. He left the apartment this morning without word," Ivy lied.

"They don't know and I have to go. Good luck."

Holly decided Harvey was her next best lead.

"Make it quick, I don't have time to chat," Harvey grunted.

"What is with everyone today?"

"Look Holly, I'm in the middle of a crisis, what is it?"

"Do you know where Eddie is?"

"He's here with me at Jervis's."

"Why couldn't Alice just..."

"DON'T TELL ALICE!" screamed multiple men through the phone.

"I'm guessing this is the something up she was wondering about."

"Look, it's a long story. If you need Eddie he's here. Don't tell Alice."

"I won't. I'm on my way."

* * *

><p>Alice shoved her phone back into her purse aggressively. "What are you guys doing here?"<p>

"Oh just in the neighborhood," Ivy lied.

"Uh huh. What the hell is going on?"

"What do you mean?" Sage asked.

"Bacon under the dishwasher, Jervis locking himself in the bathroom, and every single one of the corner stores being out of Pepto? This is all too crazy even for this crowd. So spill it. Does it have something to do with the Tipster update this morning?"

"Tipster update? I didn't see it," Ivy said nonchalantly. "Well since you can't find the Pepto how about you join us girls for lunch?"  
>"No. I'm going home to get to the bottom of this."<p>

Ivy quickly hailed and cab and with the help of Sage, forced Alice into it. "What are we all in the mood for? How about Golden Lotus?"

"That is all the way across town!" Alice protested.

"Is it? Hmm."

"Ivy!"

"Golden Lotus on Addams and 8th please," Ivy told the driver.

Alice sighed and just decided to go with the flow. She was wedged between Sage and Ivy so bailing out of the cab was not going to happen. Whatever the hell Jervis was up to, it had better be good.

* * *

><p>Joker waited at the airport bar for Bruce who had a rental car waiting when he landed. He drove them to the finest hotel in the city. Joker had to say, Brucie had goo tastes. Even the jet was high style.<p>

"The penthouse does have two rooms correct?" Bruce asked a little more than whisper.

The front desk clerk nodded.

"Good. Can we get someone to take the bags up? That would be great." He walked over to Joker. "Leave the bags. The bellhop will take them. Come on. I got us the penthouse."

"Trying to seduce me Mr. Wayne?" It was a joke yes, which was a sign of progress since Joker had gone from mopey to silent but there was no mirth or even sarcasm in his voice.

"A joke! That's good. I'd be happier with a little mirth behind it but it's something."

Joker just gave him a half assed glare and they stepped into the elevator. They rode in silence and Bruce couldn't decide which side of Joker was the most unsettling. At least with homicidal maniac Joker he could predict his next move. Mopey Joker was always a game of Russian roulette.

The elevator doors opened on the penthouse level. Bruce was the first out and unlocked the door but Joker pushed past him, entered the penthouse, and immediately beelined for the bedroom to the right where he flopped down onto the bed face down.

Bruce leaned against the bedroom door frame to view the sad scene. "Want to talk about it now or later?"

Joker just grunted and burrowed under a pillow.

"In the morning then." Bruce flipped off the lights and closed the door behind him. He couldn't think of anything that would send Gotham's most terrifying killer hiding under the covers like a child in a thunderstorm.

The following morning Bruce spared no expense and ordered a buffet fit for a football team. Everything and anything anyone could want was laid out on the large table as well as 4 trolleys. He went to knock on Joker's door but hesitated. Should he let his...best friend...sigh...sleep or wake him up? He went to knock again and had a devious thought. It was terrible really, to kick a man when he was down but to be fair between the things he did to Bruce Wayne and Batman, Joker deserved a little payback. Bruce slowly, carefully, quietly opened the door and tiptoed in the room. Joker was in much the same position he had been when Bruce had left him last night except he had snagged a pillow for cuddling. Bruce snapped a quick blackmail picture on his phone for future use. He picked a loose pillow up off the floor, smiled, and then began to beat Joker mercilessly with it until he rolled the opposite direction and hit the floor.

Joker's head appeared up over the edge of the bed, a hand massaging the back of his skull which had hit the floor first.

"Morning sunshine! The world says hello!" Bruce greeted cheerfully.

"Why?" Joker whined dropping back down to the floor.

"Because it was fun. Now, get up. I have breakfast waiting for us." Bruce tossed the pillow over the bed just as Joker was rising back up and it hit him square in the face. "Sorry, that was a happy accident."

Joker pulled himself all the way off the floor and followed Bruce into the main area of the penthouse . He slumped down into a dining room chair and rested his face against the table.

Bruce assembled a plate of various breakfast foods and slid it under Joker's nose. "You should eat." Joker's tongue poked out of his mouth and began to lick the piece of toast perched on the edge of the plate. It was pathetic. Too pathetic. He had enough. Bruce grabbed Joker by the back of the shirt and forced him to sit up. He then pulled Joker's mouth open, crammed a piece of toast in, and manually worked Joker's jaw in a chewing motion. "If I have to rub your throat like a dog to get you to swallow I will end you like old Yeller," Bruce warned.

Joker swallowed and actually poured himself a cup of black coffee. Bruce took this as a sign the clown would continue on his own and took his own seat across from him. They ate in companionable silence which surprised Bruce. There were very few people he could enjoy silence with. This sent off all the warning signs in his brain. He was slipping further and further down the rabbit hole. They barely made a dent in the buffet Bruce had put together but after a loaded plate each they were full.

"I did a dumb thing," Joker said finally. "I did a dumb thing a few years ago and now it's biting me in the ass."

"What did you do?"

"I slept with Holly, I did it while Harley was locked up in Arkham."

Bruce took a backseat as Batman took the reigns. Whether or not Joker loved Harley was no real matter to him. But when he had allowed her to join him, not exactly as a lackey, mor like at his side, it was shocking for the dark knight. He wasn't really a partner guy, certainly not affectionate, and here he was with a woman, a young woman. A young pretty woman who adored him and two hyenas. They were basically the Lucy and Ricky Ricardo of the underworld. While he could easily believe Joker wasn't in love with her, well then anyway, he couldn't see Joker bedding anyone else. He really couldn't see Joker and Harley in bed together. Did they have normal sex? Did he have normal sex with Holly? What was it liked being in bed with Joker? Did he cuddle? Was he the big spoon or the little spoon? Was this still Batman running with this train of thought or had Bruce taken over again?

"Did you break Brucie?"

Bruce snapped back out of it. "Sorry, I was just processing what you said. What happened?"

"I was drunk. I was dumb."

"No. I don't buy that. You're a lot of things but you aren't stupid. What really happened?"

Joker leaned back in his chair. He was good at blocking out the things he didn't want to think about. His entire previous life was locked so tightly away that he scarcely believed it happened at all. That night with Holly had been tucked into the same place. Never sparing it a second thought until that moment in the hotel hallway when it all bubbled over into the present. Why did it happen?

Harley was in Arkham. It was New Year's Eve. A night they had spent together every year since they met. The boys waited in the funhouse...or was it a toy factory that year? Either way, they were waiting for orders, a plan. Joker decided to keep it simple. A little laughing gas for the guards, his boys storming the halls for distraction, and a simple slip on the old key card to release her from her cell. Then it was off to the Iceberg for dinner and dancing. Joker absentmindedly drew a few hearts on the notebook page.

"Hey boss." It was one of his lackeys. Name...not important.

"Yes?"

"Any problems?"

"Nope. Just taking a moment."

"Okay, just checking. The boys uh, are getting a little antsy."

"I'm all ready to go."

"Kinda nice you breaking Harley out to ring in the new year with you."

"We always spend New Year's together," Joker explained.

"Must be love," the goon joked.

Before he had fully registered what was happening, Joker had put a new hole in the lackey's head with his gun. Love? Ridiculous. He wasn't in love. He strutted out to where the gang was huddled up waiting for orders or bullets. "Night off boys! Enjoy yourselves."

"But what about Harley?" one of them asked.

Joker 's smile faltered for a second and then he quickly ended the life of that moron as well. "Anyone else questioning their night off?" They all scrambled to get away.

"Joker?" Bruce called softly.

This time it was him that had drifted off in thoughts. "Sorry, thinking."

"And?"

"I was hiding. I didn't want to be in love. I was trying to prove to myself that I didn't love her. And now I'm spending every minute trying to prove I do. Irony. It's a bitch."

* * *

><p>"How did it get in the toilet?" Holly asked from the bathroom doorway. There was really no room for her in the bathroom. Harvey was on the floor trying to loosen the pipes in the back of the toilet, Jonathan and Eddie were sitting on the edge of the bathtub, while Jervis sat like a baby in the sink. To normal people the scene would be surreal but to them it was an average Tuesday.<p>

"I was peeing and I bent forward to flush. It tumbled right out of my shirt pocket," Jervis explained sadly from his sink cradle.

"If you weren't so short, you wouldn't have to bed forward to flush the toilet," Two Face jabbed.

"If I could be taller I would be!"

"Look, either way, Alice is suspicious so when you get the ring back, you better pop the question quick."

"That's the plan."

"No offense but why are you two here?" Holly asked the two tub dwellers.

"I brought Harvey," Eddie explained.

"When you get the call you just come," Jonathan sighed.

"Hey Harvey, did you turn off the water behind the toilet? Otherwise there's going to be a mess and you should probably flush the water out," Holly told him.

"You wanna do this sweetheart?" Two Face hissed.

Holly stormed into the bathroom and kicked Harvey out of the way. She then grabbed the proper wrench from the tool box, shut off the water, flushed the remaining water out of the toilet, and got down to business. "I didn't really come here to fish a ring out of the toilet. I came here to talk to Eddie."

Eddie straightened up at that. "Well talk."

"Look, I was being a total ass about the Ivy thing. I know. I have no excuse. I guess I was just having Dick flashbacks ya know? The exgirlfriend who is still in the picture. I guess I just panicked that one day you might decide to go back to her...or Harley. It scares me. I'm not like them or you. Neither is Alice or Sage really. You guys include us in this life but we're not really in the Rogue community. It scares me that one day you might want someone who is in the life." Holly has loosened and pulled off the pipe while she explained all this.

"I can understand that."

"I'm really sorry. And Jervis, I'm really sorry but there is no ring in this."

"I accept your apology."

"NOOOOOO!" Jervis howled.

"Where would the ring go?" Jonathan asked.

"I don't know. The sewer maybe?" Holly offered.

"How would we ever find it in the sewer?" Jervis cried.

"Maybe you should just buy another one," Harvey told him.

While Jonathan, Harvey, and Jervis quarelled over their next course of action, Eddie pulled Holly into the master bedroom to be alone. "So..." Eddie began.

"Sew buttons," Holly joked.

"So does this mean we are...you know?"

"Maybe. I need to tell you something else."

"Uh oh."

"Yeah, it's not good."

"How not good?"

Holly started to cry. "Eddie, it is the worst thing I have ever done and you're going to hate me."

"I'd ask if you killed someone but that's irrelevant to me," he joked.

Holly giggled. "No, it's worse. Look, a couple years ago, I had a one night stand with Joker. It was New Year's Eve, I was drunk, and it happened. I'm not proud. I'm so not proud that I drank the memory from my mind."

Eddie listened intently, wishing this was all a nightmare.

"It gets worse. I told Harley. I called her and told her and Joker knows she knows and it's all a mess."

"You told Harley."

"I told her yesterday. Ivy made me feel so guilty and I just told her."

"You told her to alleviate your guilt."

"Yes," Holly mumbled.

"You broke her heart, you told her something that would absolutely destroy her to make yourself feel better!" Eddie raged. "And do you?"

"No. I feel horrendous about all of it!"

Eddie shook his head and made his way to the door. "I need to help Jervis find his ring."

"Eddie wait!"

"You know what Holly, I can look past you helping Joker cheat on Harley but I can't even begin to rationalize you breaking her."

"I'll apologize to her."

"I really don't give a damn what you do." Eddie went back to the bathroom and waited until he heard the apartment door slam closed before he released the breath he had been holding.

"You guys ok?" Harvey asked.

"No. Let's just focus on the ring. What the plan."

"We're going into the sewers," Jonathan answered.

"And just fumble around in the dark for the ring?"

"No, we're going to use the Rogue's very own sewer guide," Jervis replied.

Eddie took a deep breath. He didn't like where this was going.

* * *

><p>Lex Luther stared at his phone. A secret? Who was it about? He was a man of many secrets. And a man who hadn't been mentioned much as of late in the Tipster's updates. He and Talia had decided to leave town to stay away from it but the fan base had grown and nowhere was safe now. Even in Austria they were being hounded. Talia sashayed out of the bathroom in his shirt and nothing else. His favorite look on her. Especially with her bedhead and no makeup. Those moments she was Talia al Ghul, daughter of the demon. Just Talia, or Tally as he had taken to calling her. First thing in the morning with her sideways grin, eyes barely open.<p>

She placed her hands on his shoulders and began to massage him gently. "Anything interesting my love?"

"Usual dribble. And apparently a juicy secret yet to come."

"Oh?" Talia asked peering at his phone screen.

"Got anything you want to fess up to?" he teased.

"This isn't my natural hair color."

He chuckled. "Is Talia even your real name?"

"Nope. It's Sheila. What about you? Anything you want to tell me now?"

"Well, there is one thing."

"Yeah?"

"This is serious Tally."

Talia came around to the front of his chair and rested her butt on his desk. "How serious?"

Lex took a deep breath and looked her dead in the eye, "I was going bald so I shaved it all off."

Talia laughed and swatted him on the arm. "Ass."

"How about this one, I love you."

She slid off his desk and into his lap. "I love you too."

"Do you?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked.

"My heart has never really belonged to anyone else. The casual dalliance here and there but nothing like this."

"This was a dalliance that just turned into more."

"And I'm thankful for that. I admit, when we first met I thought you were nothing more than a spoiled brat and when we started this I was fully intending on kicking you to the curb when I got bored. But your whining, demands, and pushy nature won me over. You are a woman who knows what she wants and I'm a man who knows what he want. I never would have guessed though that that would be you. It makes sense now. You on the other hand, you have quite the history with a certain caped crusader. Your beloved. I wonder often if you truly do or could love me."

"Many of the things I admired in him I admire in you. I did love him. Now I love you. The difference is I can see a future of some kind with you, I could only hope for a future with him. He may have loved me but I do not think I was ever meant for him. He has another. As do I." She kissed his hands. "I smile waking up in your arms, I only sighed in relief when I woke up in his."

"I'm going to get diabetes from this conversation, it's too sweet."

Talia got off of his lap and allowed his shirt to drop from her slender frame and onto the floor. "Better?"

"Mmmhmmm."

She pulled him up from his chair and toward the bedroom, trying not to give the Tipster a second thought. She doubted the Tipster could know what she was thinking but she couldn't help but wonder, had the Tipster discovered her secret tryst with someone else?

* * *

><p>Across the world Bane rolled his eyes at the Tipster update. Gossipy bitch. He deleted the message and then brought up a new one. His fingers were large which made texting nearly a pain in the ass but slowly and typed out "Come to Vienna when you can. Missing you. Be careful. I think the Tipster is onto us.<p> 


	22. Evidence

Author's Note: So I'm reading this book Wayne of Gotham. It's obviously a Batman book. I'm liking it so far except I feel like Batman is a little out of character in a negative way. Like he's overtly dickish to Alfred with no real reason. He's twice as broody and now a shut in. Kinda thinking the writer was going for more of the Christian Bale Batman. I don't know. I'm probably 6 or 7 chapters in and I'm hooked especially since I flipped through and I saw Harley's name more than a few times. Anywho, have any of you guys picked it up?And if you have what are your thoughts? Hit me up with a message. Anyway, let's get this party started shall we?

Harley and Selina were fully aware that attempting to catch Bane in his birthday suit was a childish and ridiculous idea. As well as dangerous if he caught them. Well, maybe. Bane actually had a rather good sense of humor and might actually laugh the whole thing off. Then again he could snap their necks. Selina shrugged these thoughts off as she and Harley crouched behind a large potted plan in the lobby next to the front desk in their hotel. Harley's pigtail kept strayin into Selina's mouth and she'd blow it out of her way every so often. They were waiting for the desk to be abandoned so they could check the registry for Bane's room. They both agreed he probably wouldn't be using the name Bane so they used the waiting time to come up with possible aliases.

"Gunshow Mcgee," Harley joked.

Selina snickered. They ran out of legitimate ideas about 20 minutes ago. "Senor Muscle Pants."

"El Macho."

"No see, we're thinking all wrong. He's trying to keep a low profile so Spanish names are out. Monsieur Dainty Daisies."

Harley could no longer contain her giggles. She clamped a hand over her mouth but it was no use, the desk clerk heard her little squeak and now his full attention was on the plant. He started to peer around it when a bang from across the room caused him to shift his focus there instead. One of the other hotel patrons had knocked into a painting causing it to fall off the wall.

The annoyed clerk vacated his post and grumpily stomped over to the scene to investigate the damage, muttering what the girls assumed were German curses along the way.

Harley and Selina ever so quietly and carefully creeped out from behind their leafy shelter over to the desk. Harley remained on her knees and pulled the the keyboard off the desk while Selina crouched down just low enough to be hidden but still high enough to see the computer screen.

"Do you know when he checked in?" Selina asked.

"Nope."

"Hmmm...he wouldn't be in a regular room or a room with anything smaller than a king sized bed. There's a regular king room that's been booked but it looks like to a woman. Can we eliminate the rooms we aren't interested in?"

Harley's little fingers bounced off the keys with ease. "That better?"

"Yeah. This is a family. This guy could be him...but I'm still thinking...wait...here's a suite that's booked. It's booked for two but only one has checked in."

"Who would be meeting him here?"

"I don't know. Maybe no one. Might just be something to throw people off. Print off this list and we'll check all the rooms on it."

"All the rooms?"

"It's all of 5 rooms. Calm down and besides, what else do we have to do?"

Harley did as she was instructed and when the paper slid out of the printer and Selina had snagged a master key card, the crawled back out from behind the desk and casually wandered back over to the elevator.

* * *

><p>Yes Harvey was the biggest and most intimidating. But Eddie was by far the smartest. Ah, no, it was Jervis's ring afterall. Yes that may be, but Jonathan had the nifty fear toxin just in case of emergencies. In the end it came down to a very rational game of rock, paper, scissors and then a coin toss after everyone was eliminated but Harvey and Eddie. Before the glittering coin even did one flip in the air, Eddie knew his fate. He was doomed to be the leader of their Croc hunt. The coin landed in Two Face's scarred hand scarred side up. Eddie lost.<p>

"Damn it," he muttered looking forlornly at the manhole cover next to his foot. Jonathan handed his friend a flashlight with a sad gallows smile. The dead man walking smile. "Yippee."

Harvey ripped the manhole cover off like it was a piece of paper. "Alright, so just drop down and let us know if the coast is clear."

"Yeah yeah. Or scream if I'm about to be eaten."

"Oh Edward don't be so dramatic," Jervis sighed. "You're far too bony to be a Croc meal. If anything he'll use you as a toothpick."

"If we're worried about Croc munching on one of us, then why would we think he would assist us in locating the ring?" Jonathan querried.

"The thing with Croc is, you gotta peersuade him. Either with a reward or violence," Harvey explained. "You don't want to let him have the drop on you and you don't want to sneak up on him either. Ya gotta just carefully approach nice and easy like. Toss him a treat, talk to him about your offer and hope he takes the reward."

"And if he doesn't?"

"Then I get involved," Two Face snarled.

"Alright, let's do this before a moment of sanity overtakes me," Eddie grumbled.

"In ya go." Harvey gave a grand gesture towards to the open manhole. Eddie used the flashlight to peer down into the darkness. Looked empty enough. He stuffed the flashlight into his pants' pocket so he could use both hands to crawl down the ladder. With both feet planted on the solid stone sewer ground, he pulled the light back out and flipped it on althought, truth be told, he had no interest in seeing what was sharing the sewer with him. Luckily, for now, he was alone.

"Coast is clear. Come on down."

Harvey was the next one to follow. He skipped the ladder, choosing to show off by just jumping on in. He landed in a slight crouch but immediately straightened up when he hit the ground. "Toss down the bucket," Harvey called back up.

A bucket of fried chicken cam down the hole next followed by Jonathan's shaking frame. Jervis was the last one to come slidding down the ladder, flashlight in his mouth. "Is the chicken his reward?" Jervis asked.

"No, it's to let him know we're coming and then the treat to keep him from munching on one of us," Harvey explained.

"I see."

"Which way do we go?" Jonathan questioned.

"Doesn't matter. Wherever we go, he'll find us."

"That is not comforting in the least," Eddie grumbled.

"Lead the way Ed."

Eddie took a look at each of the three tunnels branching out from where they were. They all looked the same. Dark, damp, and dank. After a few seconds contemplating his life and how it all lead to this moment, unable to pinpoint the exact moment in time where it all went wrong, he started for the middle tunnel.

"Want to talk about Holly?" Harvey asked.

"Nope." Eddie had no idea what to even say about it. Joker...of all people Joker. It wasn't the idea of her with the Clown Prince of Clusterfucks, it was the thought of Harley. Poor Harley. She had suffered through so much with him. Her life completely upended by his devious mindtricks, constantly walking on eggshells around him to avoid his wrath, trying to get even a small amount of affection. He wondered how long it had taken her to get Joker into bed. He imagined the clown didn't hold much interest for sex. Mind always on the next gag and probably terrified of any kind of intimacy. He imagined Joker to be much like a teenager, fumbling and nervously pulling at her, or maybe he had been smooth as silk as always. Either way to Harley it had meant something. Everything. The romantic she was, she had probably memorized every second of it. But he and Holly, it had all been taudry. I was drunk. Eddie scoffed. Drunk. It was New Year's Eve, Joker had been drunk he was sure. But Joker never really allowed himself to be out of control, something must have set him off the night. Drunk and out of it. Holly wasn't much of an innitiator. He gathered Joker had started it. A simple joke, a wink, then a flirt, a drink after that. "No, I insist, let's share a cab," Joker slurred in Eddie's mind. His hand straying "accidentally" to her thigh. She would give him that look that said "you cheeky devil". Half discouraging and half enticing. His hand wandered more, entwining in her hair. Holly leaned in, lips ghosting over his cheek. At this point it was a coin flip for who kissed who first. Eddie would like to think it was Joker, that Holly had only been testing him but it just as easily could have been her. Joker would tell the cab driver the address of some hotel. Classy enough but not over the top because he wouldn't want to be caught and she wouldn't want anyone seeing him entering or leaving her apartment. Cash to the front desk clerk and a fake name for the book. A simple room for a carnal act.

Eddie shook the scene from his mind as began to imagine Joker's nimble fingers undoing the zipper on her dress. He couldn't bare the thought. Is that how Joker did it? Shook his head and all thoughts of Harley were gone? Did he compare Holly to her? Eddie never did. And when he caught sight of himself in the mirror the first time after, could he stand it? Could he really look himself in the eye and be satisfied? Or did he turn away, head hung in shame? Did he feel shame? Holly and her guilt. He could guess that she didn't feel too guilty since she hadn't told Harley sooner. Ivy had made her feel guilty. Ivy, Harley's best friend knew and never told her. That was low. Low and yet noble at the same time. Ivy hated Joker and spent much of her time with Harley trying to convince her to stay away from him. This would've done the job for sure. But instead she had spared her the humiliation and shame of it all. He decided in the end it was more of a noble thing Ivy did. Having Harley leave him was one thing, having Harley die of a broken heart in her bed was quite another. Eddie was dragged out of his reverie by Harvey's hand seizing the back of his shirt collar.

"Movement, in the water ahead," Harvey explained in a harsh whisper. "We're not alone anymore."

At that moment, Eddie wondered if being a Croc snack was such a bad thing. But when Croc's hulking frame emerged from the murky depths, he decided he would much rather the chicken take his place on the menu.

"Food," Croc roared coming toward the group in large steps. What would've taken Harvey, Eddie, Jervis, or Jonathan 20-30 steps, it took Croc 4 or 5. He was suddenly towering over them. His breath hitting Eddie in the face like a brick wall. There was no toothpaste that would cover that odor and probably no floss that could free the hunks of meat trapped in his massive teeth.

Harvey tossed an extra crispy chicken breast up into the air and like a trained dog Croc snatched it in mid flight. Swallowed whole, bones and all. Much like the story of Aaron Cash's hand. After a second Harvey threw out anoher. "Like that fella?" Harvey asked after the second breast had been devoured.

"What brings you down to my level?" Croc grunted eyeing the bucket in Harvey's hand.

"We need a favor," Eddie replied.

"Favor?"

"Something got flushed and we need an idea of where it would be," Harvey explained.

"What?"

"A ring. An engagement ring, shaped like a teacup," Jervis chimed in from his hiding spot behind Harvey.

"Alice," Croc hissed.

"Yes, for Alice."

Croc nodded. "Why should I care?"

"We're not asking for charity, we're more than willing to pay you for the trouble," Eddie answered.

"I want more than chicken."

"I'll get you an entire buffet it you like!" Jervis squealed. "Please, just help me."

Croc smiled...maybe. It was hard to tell if he was smiling, snarling, or just had gas. Either way he seemed to be in because he asked, "Where did you flush it?"

* * *

><p>Talia al Ghul was not easily scared. She was the daughter of the demon, the most feared and powerful man in the world. She had wooed Batman, the one who struck fear into the hearts of the underworld. Her current lover was one of the most notorious men in existance. So why were her legs as solid as jello as she stood before this notorious man? She was no stranger to lying and had perfected the art. "It's just for a week love, and I wouldn't even entertain the idea of it except father sounded so mysterious on the phone."<p>

"I understand. Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?" Lex asked.

He looked so concerned. It was killing her. Since when did she feel guilt like this? "No, I'm sure it really is nothing. Just the old man missing his little girl. I'll be back before you know it."

"At least take my jet."

"But what if you need it? No, I couldn't. I'll just fly first class."

"I'm taking you to the airport." Talia opened her mouth to protest but Lex silenced her with a finger to the lips. "No argument Tally. Let me do this."

She smiled and kissed that finger quieting her. "Alright then. Let me go pack my bag." Once safely behind the safety of the bedroom door, Talia allowed herself to unravel a bit. What was she doing? This was all so absurd. "Call him. Tell him you're not coming. It's over," she told herself. Shaking hands dug the phone out of her purse. No contact name just a phone number so if someone ever got ahold of her phone they wouldn't think anything of it. She stared at it. "Just call him. Just do it." But she wouldn't. "If I do this, I'm done. I will be fully committed to Lex." Lex Luthor. The pompous ass who had infuriated her to the very core upon first meeting him. Even their first night together was fueled by her indignation with him. This man who was not Bruce Wayne. Was not Batman. Neither was the other man she was to meet. The difference there was, this other man truly was just a dalliance. There was nothing between them. He was just the escape she needed when she felt like she was getting in too deep with Lex.

Bag. Pack. You've been in here too long. Talia tossed he suitcase onto the bed and threw whatever was handy into it. No need to be fancy. She was going. She was a free agent. She did not belong to any man. Not Lex. Not Batman. Not her father. No. Talia was he own woman. Tally. She smiled at that. Tally. Normally nicknames infuriated her but she liked having a name only he called her. Everyone else called her Talia. Bruce called her Talia. She called him beloved, he called her by the name her father used. Not Lex. He made her his own and called her Tally. The suitcase was zipped. She had to get the hell out of here.

The car ride was silent. Her staring out the window, him absentmindedly playing with her hand while reading emails on his phone. The driver of course never said anything until they arrived at their destination. They were there now. The loading/unloading zone of the airport. Lex put his phone aside and gave Talia his full attention now. "I'm worried about you Tally."

"Oh? Why?"

"I think this is more serious than you're letting on. You're quiet, being secretive. Usually I can't get you to shut up," he joked pulling the chunk of hair that always hung in her face away from her eye so he could see her better. "I'm not asking you to tell me what's up. I just want you to know, I'm here."

That guilt was sitting in her stomach like that 50 cent gas station burrito she had scarfed down in Tulsa when she was hiding from her father a few years back. She doubted this would pass as easily. She put on her best everything is fine smile and said "Thank you. But I'm telling you, it's nothing."

"Alright. Be careful and call me when you land."

"I will." Talia cupped his cheek and kissed him goodbye. She then got out of the car and collected her suitcase which the driver had already pulled out of the trunk for her.

As she walked toward the airport doors she heard Lex call out to her "Wait!" She turned around. He was standing outside the car now, traffic piling up behind him.

"What?" she yelled back.

"I love you Tally."

Talia blew him a kiss knowing if she even took 1 step toward him she would get back in the car and go home. "I love you too."

* * *

><p>After waiting an hour or so, Bruce and Joker started munching on the breakfast buffet again. Munching lead to thirst which lead to more eating which lead to more thirst but water and juice wasn't doing it anymore. Just one beer couldn't hurt. One...two...three...six pack...each. Bruce Wayne never got drunk unless it was around the most dangerous man in Gotham apparently. As Dick would say, or maybe it was Tim..well one of them said it, YOLO. Bruce felt dumb even thinking that.<p>

"We need a plan of attack!" Joker randomly screeched slamming his fist down onto the table.

"Attack who?"

"Those no good dames."

"Dames?"

"Birds."

"What? Penguin?"

"No! Birds. Dames. Girls with the gams."

"I could go for yams..."

"Yams and turkey."

"Turkey is a bird."

"Turkey is a bird Brucie. Turkey is a bird...mashed potatoes."

Bruce already had the phone in his hand and was dialing room service again. "Hello, yes it's Mr. Wayne. We need...yes more beer. But we also need Thanksgiving. No, the food. Mashed tatoes...gams yams! Definitely turkey birds. Cranapples."

"Extra cranapples and pie!" Joker whined.

"Extra cranapple and pie. Yes. Whipped potatoes on top."

"Cream," Joker corrected.

"Mashed cream on top. So wait, hold on. We need turkey birds, whipped tatoes, gummy yams, cranapples, and pies with mashed cream tatoes." Down in the kitchen, the staff was scratching their heads. But after they hung up a passing bellhop from the United States managed to explain what Mr. Wayne and his associate were really after.

"What were we talking about?" Bruce asked after he hung up.

"Birds."

"What kind of birds?"

"The female kind! Women! The girls!"

"Oh birds. Okay. I'm following you...what about them?"

"We need a plan."

"Yes...do you have one?"

"No..."

"Hmmmm..."

"We could put them in a sack," Joker offered.

"No, I think that would do more harm than good."

"We could...we...hmm..."

"Exactly."

"We could sober up and give this more thought."

"Bingo."

"B-i-n...go," Joker half sang half burped.

"I should tell Selina I'm here."

"No, nope. No. Surprise her. Don't give her a warning because she'll be out the door and off the map before you even hang up the phone."

Joker was right. Maybe the sack was a good idea. Tie her up. Put her on display in the cave. Oh...wait...that might be considered kidnapping and unlawful imprisonment. He'd have to get caught first. Bruce smiled. Alfred would rat his ass out in a heartbeat. He always sided with her. "Sacks are a bad idea."

"I didn't realize that was still open for discussion."

* * *

><p>Oswald had seen some scary looking things walk into his bar but nothing quite like the pathetic lump sitting in his office chair. At first he had instructed the bouncer to show the homeless woman to the door but upon further inspection he realized it was Holly. "You look God awful."<p>

"Thank you," she replied not looking up to meet his gaze.

"Going out on limb here but, I'm guessing Mr. Nigma wasn't too receptive."

"He got pissed off when I told him I told Harley. He didn't care that I did it, but that I hurt Harley." Holly's mess of curls which had been up in a bun were now a curtain hiding her face. A frizzy. Unruly curtain that was driving Oswald mad.

"For the love of...I feel like I'm talking to cousin It. Could you look at me please?"

She lifted her head and restrained her hair back in an elastic band. "Sorry."

Oswald almost had her let her hair down again after he caught sight of her red blotchy face. Her eyes were swollen from crying. She looked like she had gone a couple rounds in the ring. "Yeesh."

"Alright, let's drop my physical appearance here. I know, I'm tragic in about 100 different tell me how we're going to track down this bitch."

"Right, first of all, I'm going to assume she discovered your littlen secret here. If it was when you were with Ivy, she would've put it out sooner. We need a list of everyone in the building yesterday."

"It was staff only. We had no deliveries and we weren't open for business yet. Hell, the wait staff wasn't even here yet. Just kitchen prep."

Oswald jumped up from his chair and snatched an umbrella from the stand. "I haven't toured the kitchen in awhile." Holly scrambled to follow him out the door and over to the kitchen. He signaled two of his bouncers to follow. Once inside, he had them stand guard at the back club entrance, blocking any attempt at an escape.

"Hello Mr. Cobblepot, is there a problem?" the head chef asked nervously.

"Yes, William, I'm afraid there is. We have a rat."

"In the food?"

"No, in my kitchen. This particular piece of vermin likes to share crumbs of knowledge with the queen rat herself, the Tipster."

The entire kitchen staff tensed. When it was revealed the Tipster was fed her gossip from outside sources, Oswald made it perfectly clear if he caught anyone on his staff leaking any information no matter how insignificant, he would allow his umbrella to get friendly with their ass. "With all do respect Mr. Cobblepot, I don't think anyone on my staff..."

"I don't pay you to think, and this is my staff. So, here is how we are going to sort this out. I want information about the Tipster, either my sneaky little rat comes clean with me now and I get my information or, I kill you all and have to do things the hard way and hire a new kitchen staff."

The nervous chefs all glanced around at one another, waiting for someone to fess up.

"Alright, how about this, you have until the count of 3...1...2..."

"Sir," came a nervous whisper from the back corner. It was a younger gentleman. Barely 20. Reminded Oswald of Jonathan Crane in the sense he was meek and wirey. Probably why Oswald hired him.

"Yes?"

"Sir, when Chef William says it wasn't in the kitchen, he means it sir."

"Oh really now?" Oswald raised his umbrella just slightly.

"Yes sir."

"Then who else could have sold off some gossip from here yesterday afternoon?"

Chef William exchanged a shut the hell up look with the young man, which made him clam up real quick.

"You're a good chef boy aren't you?" Oswald asked.

"You think so sir," the kid replied.

"You want to be a lead one day right?"

"Yes sir."

Oswald lifted the umbrella, pulled the hidden trigger sending a bullet out through the top and into Chef William's head. "I have a head chef position that just opened up but first, tell me whatever it is that he didn't want me to know."

"Chef William has been having an affair in the afternoons with Elaina the new coat check girl. She was here yesterday."

"Thank you my boy. I look forward to your first dinner service tonight. And boys, could you dispose of this?" Oswald asked gesturing toward the bleeding corpse on the kitchen floor. "And send his wife my condolences." Once back in Oswald's office, Holly picked up his phone and dialed Elaina's number and requested she come in immediately.

Elaina was at the Iceberg in a matter of minutes. She waltzed through the doors and straight back into Oswald's office, completely unaware what was about to happen.

"Have a seat dear," Oswald instructed her.

She plopped down into the chair, crossed her legs, and began to play on her phone. She didn't even give Holly a glance. "What's up?"

"There was an unfortunate accident this afternoon. Chef William is no more."

"Fired?"

"Killed."

"How?!" Elaina had dropped her phone onto her lap in shock.

"This umbrella." Oswald slammed the umbrella down onto the desk.

Her eyes were wide with fear. Suddenly she realized this wasn't a simple chat. "Si...si...sir," she stuttered.

"I was told you were hear yesterday afternoon and don't bother lying. I really don't give a tail feather who you were screwing. I'm not even all that concerned with you doing it on my time. What I am concerned with is what you heard through my office door and what you know about the Tipster."

"I didn't hear..."

"DON'T LIE!" Holly screamed taking Oswald's umbrella off the desk and pointing it at the scared girl.

"I would listen to her if I were you dear," Oswald warned.

"Alright! Alright! Look, I was here yesterday and I was on my way out when I heard you and Holly in the office. I was listening for stuff the Tipster would be interested in."

"Go on."

"I thought it would be the usual silly gossip. I had no idea about Holly and Joker until I heard her say it yesterday."

"And you just couldn't resist sharing it with her."

"It's my job sir. My real job. She pays me for the information I bring her from here. That's why I started up with Will. To get more information. Well, and because he was easy on the eyes. I'm her informant."

"How do you contact her with your news?"

"My phone. Text, call, email. I used to just send her tidbits here and there and then one day she said she'd pay me if I got a job at the Iceberg and gave her stuff regularly."

"Your phone dear."

Elaina quickly handed the phone over to him.

"Thank you dear. You're free to go."

She jumped up from the chair and headed for the door. Instead of the casual strut she did when she had entered the Iceberg, Elaina was no practically sprinting for the front door but it was no use. Oswald had already snatched his umbrella back from Holly, who, for all her bluster wouldn't hurt a fly, and fired a bullet right into the back of Elaina's skull. She dropped face first onto the carpet right in front of the bar.

"Holly can you have the boys take care of this?"

"Sure thing Mr. Cobblepot."

"Thank you dear. And then meet me back in my office."

* * *

><p>It was the last room on the list. If Bane wasn't in this room they would have to start all over from square one. Selina gave a quick wrap on the door and called "Housekeeping!" There was no response. She slid the keycard in and she and Harley ducked inside the room without notice.<p>

Harley began tossing suitcases out, pulling out the clothes for inspection. "Houston, we have circus tents. This is definitely big bad Bane's suite."

"Excellent. Look at all these colognes and after shaves. How many scents does one man need?" Selina opened a bottle, gave a sniff, and grimaced at the musky smell. "Ew."

"I have boxers!" Harley cried triumphantly.

"Boxers? I would've guessed he was a briefs guy."

"Maybe he's too endowed for briefs," Harley said with a wink.

Selina started to laugh until she heard a noise in the hall. "Damn. I think someone is coming. Quick. Hide!" Selina crammed herself inside the room's closet and Harley followed after her. Both were trying to contain the fit of laughter that was taking over them.

They could hear the door open and Bane's voice entering the suite. "I was going to get you at the airport. Why didn't you call?"

"It was no trouble taking a cab." It was a female's voice. One that Harley and Selina both thought was vaguely familiar.

"Hungry? I'm ordering room service."

"Famished."

Selina and Harley exchanged glances. Who was with Bane in Austria? Who did they know? Harley tried to crack the door open a sliver but Selina stopped her. It was best to just remain still until they could sneak away.

"Anything particular?"

"Whatever, I'm not picky."

Bane picked up the phone and ordered a variety of things off the menu, mostly for himself. "You're not going to believe who else is staying in this hotel" he said after he hung up the phone.

"Harley Quinn and that meddlesome cat."

"Yeah how did you..."

"Tipster update said they were in Vienna. I took a wild guess."

Selina ran through her mind, who called her a meddlesome cat? She was drawing a blank.

"I see."

"Are they going to be a problem?"

"Naw. Harley is all tied up with Joker problems. I think he's around too. Not this hotel though."

"Wonderful. I'm going to take a quick shower before the food arrives."

* * *

><p>"Why the hell do you smell like that?" Alice screeched when Jervis, Jonathan, Eddie, and Harvey walked through the door.<p>

"God...ugh. I'm going to throw up," Ivy gagged.

Sage could only heave into the sink.

"We were in the sewers," Eddie explained.

"What in the name of everything holy an un is going on?!" Alice cried. "First it was bacon under the dishwasher and then you had explosive diarrhea, now you were in the sewers! Did you fall in?"

"Jervis, the jig is up. This, unfortunately, is the moment," Eddie sighed patting Jervis on the back.

"Oh Alice. Dear sweet Alice, yesterday morning I was standing behind you kneeling actually," here he got down on one knee, "for you see, I was going to propose to you. But you knocked into me and I dropped the ring. It was stuck under the dishwasher. I called these guys to help me but in the end we had to get Nightwing because Harvey couldn't move the dishwasher alone, but in the end even Nightwing couldn't do it but he did use a nifty bat toy to flick it out...I digress. This morning's Tipster update put me in a panic. I am positive she knew and so I panicked. I locked myself in the bathroom to call Eddie for confidence and afterward I had to pee. I dropped the ring in the toilet just as it was flushing. That is why I was screaming this morning. By the time Holly removed the piping it was already too late. We ventured down into the sewers and with the assistance of Killer Croc we managed to locate the ring." Jervis pulled the teacup ring out of his pocket and held it out to her. "So, Alice my love, will you marry me?"

The anger on Alice's face immediately melted away. She crossed the room fully intending to kiss her love until a second wave of the smell hit her and she backed away. "I will but you need a shower...maybe 2. And that ring needs to be professionally cleaned."

"Absolutely! Oh I'm so elated!"

"How in the hell did you get Croc to agree to help you?" Ivy asked.

"Oh, yes, that, well, I just had to agree to let him be best man at the wedding."

"That's going to be one interesting bachelor party," Ivy joked.

* * *

><p>Harley's foot had fallen asleep and the pins and needles feeling was traveling up her leg toward her ass. Selina on the other hand had to pee and it was getting to the point where she was ready to just go wherever or alert Bane they had been in the closet. He and his mystery guest had eaten and chit chatted about trivial things. She was clearly from Gotham or had at the very least spent a great deal of time there.<p>

Dinner was over. Selina was guessing they weren't leaving for dessert and that what was coming next would be a rest of the night activity. God only knew when these two would fall asleep so the could creep out.

"You smell good," Bane groaned leaning over to smell his guest's hair.

"Thank you."

"I missed you baby."

"Oh?" she asked coyly.

"Shall we?"

The girls could hear them crossing over into the bedroom of the suite. Unfortunately they left the door open so sneaking out was still a no go. "We're going to die in here," Harley whispered. Selina just smacked her on the back of the head.

"Come here Tally."

"Tally?" Selina asked in a harsh whisper.

The sound of heavy footsteps stomped past the closet, she knocked into the chair on her way to the door. "Fuck you." She slammed the door shut behind her. Bane was immediately on her heels and when they heard the door slam again, Harley and Selina bolted out of the room.

Bruce had sobered up a bit by dinner time. That special kind of half drunk where rash decisions seem like well thought out good ideas especially since you aren't slurring your words. He had convinced Joker to join him on a journey to the girls' hotel. They had just entered the lobby when an angry female got off the elevator. She was gunning for the door, not bothering to look around her, and slammed right into Bruce. "Umph!"

"Sorry I'm in a hurry," she grunted.

"Talia!" came a booming man's voice from the elevators.

"Talia?" Bruce asked.

"Bane?" Joker questioned as the large man headed in their direction.

"I can't believe you lost our keycard!" Selina hissed stepping off the elevator with Harley in tow.

"You lost the master keycard!"

"I have to pee so freaking bad!"

"Selina!" Bruce called.

"Bruce?"

"Oh god, he's with Joker," Harley whined. "And is that Talia?"

"Talia?"

"And Bane."

"Bane..."

"Bane," Joker gasped.

"Talia." Bruce was suddenly sober now.

Selina and Harley had joined the group in the middle of the room now. She suddenly no longer had to pee. "Talia...Talia...Tally..."

"With Bane," Harley added.

"Bane?" Bruce questioned.

"This isn't how it looks," Bane said.

"Bruce," Talia began but she really had nothing to say.

"Well this is sufficiently awkward. So I'm just going to go," Joker said grabbing Bruce's arm. "Just going to take my billionaire with me."


	23. Sleeping With A Friend

Author's Note: It feels so good to be back and I'm super excited every time I get into my email and see a new review/message from you guys. It does mean a lot and believe it or not, helps me fight this crippling anxiety/depression I'm always fending off. Seriously, it means the world. And I know, I'm not the most faithful updater but I'm really trying harder to stick with this and like I said, I'm working on something completely new and totally different which I hope to have up soon. XOXOXOXO

Joker had grabbed Bruce by the collar and retreated to the safety of the rental car outside leaving Selina, Harley, Talia, and Bane in the Land of Awkward which had been the hotel lobby only 5 minutes before. No one had moved and eyes were darting all over the room trying to avoid eye contact with anyone else. Selina's first instinct was to bolt. Grab Harley and run for the elevators, but for some reason her brain was unable to send the signal down to her legs. Bane had no idea what to do. Running seemed pointless and he wasn't sure what exactly Selina and Harley were thinking but they were both...well Selina was an intelligent person who could put two and two together. Hell, a drunk monkey with a 3 point IQ could put this together. Talia's mind shut down. The man she had always chased was in Austria, chasing her enemy. She was there running from the man who loved her. It was all such a mess. Harley was humming Once Upon a Dream in her head.

The awkward silence had to end and Selina decided to be the one to do it. "Alright, so clearly this is all very awkward and weird. So, we're just going to go back up to our room and pretend it didn't happen. As far as this getting out, I can guarantee your secret is safe with us. Truth be told, I don't know who would believe us anyway."

"I can agree to this," Talia replied.

"Fine," Bane grunted. He then noticed something familiar hanging out of Harley's pocket. "Are those my underwear?"

* * *

><p>Oswald twirled the little hot pink cell phone in his left hand while his right hand ashed his cigarette. Holly sat in the chair that had been occupied by their now deceased coat check girl. The mess in the lounge had been cleaned up by Oswald's personal body guards merely minutes ago. Holly wondered as she usually did when someone met their end at the Iceberg, what happened to them, their families. Two people had died so far today and they weren't even open for business yet. She refused to look at the newspapers or even turn on the news anymore. She thought the guilt would eat at her if there was a missing person's report.<p>

"What do we do now?" Holly asked trying to get the bad thoughts out of her head.

"We need someone with computer skills," Oswald answered.

"Why?"

"She used this phone to contact the Tipster, we can run the number, and possibly run a trace if they have the equipment."

"Who do we know with equipment to do this?"

"Batman," Oswald joked.

"I'll go hit the Batsignal."

"I think we'll need a plan B."

Holly started going through the files in her brain. There had to be someone she knew who could help them out. "Jervis has some computer knowledge."

"He knows more about mind control devices than taps and traces."

"Think Gordon would want to lend a hand?"

"Yes, actually."

Holly gave him a sideways look. "I don't think commissioner Gord..."

"Not that Gordon. But perhaps Miss Gordon would be inclined."

"Barbara?"

"Yes. I seem to recall she's quite the techie."

"How do you know that?"

"You forget my dear, before the Tipster I was the well of information in Gotham. I make it my business to know whose who and what's what."

"Fair enough. But how do we get her to help?"

Oswald plucked Holly's phone up off the desk and tossed it to her. "I would start with making a phone call to Dick Grayson."

"What? Why me?"

"Because I didn't date him. Your ex. Your call."

* * *

><p>It was a silent ride back to the hotel, minus the screams of the pedestrians and other motorists that occupied the same street Joker was driving on. Bruce wondered several times if he should take over the wheel but in the end he just blew those thoughts aside and allowed chaos to reign supreme. Afterall, hadn't the gates of Hell already taken over? Was that not just Talia awkwardly gaping at him in the hotel lobby with Bane? Talia in Vienna. Talia in Vienna where Selina had run to. Talia in Vienna where Selina had run to with Bane, his enemy. His enemy. Joker was his enemy. His enemy driving his rental car like James Bond. Were those the four horsemen of the apocalypse that just rode by on the sidewalk? When did the car hop the curb onto the sidewalk? Ah Hell.<p>

The car screeched to a halt in front of their hotel sending the waiting valet jumping to safety in the neighboring bushes, yelling obscenities in a bevy of European languages and Bruce was pretty sure one of the hub caps followed him. Joker tossed the keys into the bushes with a "Don't scratch the paint kid" and walked inside. Bruce followed offering the young man an apologetic smile.

"I think there's a small child or two under the car," Bruce grumbled following Joker into the elevator.

The clown shrugged and lit a cigarette. "Look both ways before crossing the street."

"Yes that is a good lesson but when the oncoming car is driving on the wrong side of the road and on the sidewalk, it becomes moot."

"Who says that?"

"What?"

"Moot."

"I do. I just did."

"It's so pretentious."

"Preten...pretentious?! Coming from the man in the coat and tails smoking a hand rolled cigarette. Pretentious," Bruce grumbled. "Who wears spats?" Joker turned his menacing smile toward him. Normal would back away from the Clown Prince of Crime at that moment, beg for forgiveness and for a higher power to intervene. Batman usually got a thrill at this moment knowing the fight was about to begin. Bruce Wayne, trapped between normal person and Batman just matched the sinister sneer with his best "I dare you" stare. The doors to the elevator opened, an elderly couple started to step on but feeling the wall of tension, stepped back off deciding to wait for the next one. Neither of the men noticed, wrapped up in their macho standoff. They went up 4 more floors and stopped. The doors opened again, this time it was their floor. They shuffled sideways out into the hall, neither daring to break eye contact. Bruce, not sure if looking away would seal his fate (Billionaire Bruce Wayne was found dead in the hallway of a hotel in Vienna, witnesses say they saw a bloody clown fleeing the scene), Joker amused that finally someone, other than the Bat, was taking a stand against him.

Bruce fished around his pocket for his wallet which contained the keycard for their room. Left back pocket empty, same as back right and the front ones. "We have to go down to the front desk. I forgot my wallet in the room."

"Alright."

They shuffled back over to the elevator. Bruce punching the button, eyes still locked on his "bestie's". The elevator arrived, the doors opened, the duo did their sidestep on, the doors closed, down they went, doors opened, shuffle off, and across the lobby they went. The other patrons glanced at the strange behaviour and even though Bruce couldn't hear what they were saying he was sure it was something along the lines of "Thos ridiculous Americans."

The front desk attendant did his best to keep a professional face and asked "Can I help you sirs?"

"I locked my key in the room."

"Ah, I am sorry to hear that Mr. Wayne. I will take you up to your room and unlock the door for you." For that poor hotel employee, it was the longest and most terrifying elevator ride of his life. He quickly lept off the platform as soon as the doors opened and slammed the keycard into the reader. He flung the door open and bolted back to the elevator and frantically pushed the lobby button, breathing a sigh of relief when the doors closed and separated him from the showdown in the hall.

Unable to fit through the door side by side, they had to rotate so that Bruce was walking backward into the room. Jackets were shed, shoes kicked off, and then finally Joker said "I forgot why we were in a staring contest but I feel the tension is going in a sexual direction with the shedding of clothes."

Immediately both men broke and eye contact and found other things in the room to focus their attention on. Bruce had already somehow slipped into a friendship (albeit a shaky one) with the Joker, he was not ready to be bedded by him. It was a club he never wanted membership to.

* * *

><p>Bane had reclaimed his underwear, not bothering to ask why the girls had them in the first place. Everything was in a state of awkward that had not been seen since the Christmas party of 04. Hugo Strange, spiked eggnog, and an overstuffed Lazy Boy recliner belonging to Edward Nigma that was never the same again and on the curb by the new year. The details of this night were to never be discussed, the same rule had been agreed upon for this particular incident now. Come to think of it, there were many nights that were never to be discussed in their circle. Selina and Harley did their less than graceful soft shoe out of the lobby and back up to their room leaving Talia and Bane alone.<p>

"Can we go back upstairs now?" Bane asked.

"For what?"

"To talk."

"What is there to talk about?"

"Whatever the hell sent you running out the door!" he shouted. A few hotel patrons casted a curious glance their way. Bane lowered his voice and continued, "You came all this way and ran out on me. I think you owe me an explanation."

"I don't owe you anything. I don't owe anyone anything," she huffed.

"Bullshit you don't." He began to reach for her but she quickly slipped from his grasp and headed to the elevators.

Bane didn't follow her. He didn't have to hear it, he knew it was over between them.

* * *

><p>Talia didn't know what she was doing anymore. Once certain and confident in all her choices, she was now constantly questioning herself and every decision she ever made. Here, alone, in a foreign country (not that any place ever really felt like home, except for maybe Metropolis as of late) she felt vulnerable and lost. She had hastily pressed a button on the panel. She really had no idea where she was going or why she hadn't just left the hotel altogether. Her bag was still in Bane's room but she had no real interest in reclaiming her belongings. The doors opened and she stumbled into the hall. She just needed to walk for a bit. Regain her composure and then she could leave. Except her passport was with everything else in Bane's room. "Damn it," she hissed putting her back against the wall and sliding down to the floor. Talia had always been accused of being a spoiled little girl, used to getting her way and throwing a tantrum when she didn't. There, crying on the floor and wiping her tears on her shirt sleeve, she felt like it.<p>

"How am I going to get home?" she sniffled wiping her eyes again.

"I can't believe it was her!" came the shrill familiar voice of Harley Quinn echoing down the hallway.

"Look, stranger hookups have happened in our circle," this time it was Selina's voice.

Talia picked herself up off the floor. With tears still clinging to her eyes and a nose full of snot, she made her way toward the only other two people she knew in Vienna. With each door she lingered for a second waiting to see if that was the room the voices were coming from until she was halfway to the end and heard Harley's giggles. She ran a hand through her hair trying to gain some kind of composure which was completely lost when Selina opened the door after she knocked.

Selina stood there stunned as she held a mess of a woman which she barely recognized as the high and mighty Talia Al Ghul. She turned to Harley for help who only shrugged. Selina dragged the woman inside their room and dumped her unceremoniously into a chair. "Alright, what the hell is going on?"

"She's crying," Harley answered plainly.

"Yeah, I can see that. I want to know what is going on with her," she replied gesturing toward the lump in the chair.

"Ah. That."

Selina pulled Talia up into a sitting position and forced her to look at her. "What is going on?"

"You don't care."

"Ordinarily, no, I wouldn't give a damn what was wrong with you but since you showed up on my doorstep crying, I'm intrigued."

Talia wiped her nose again. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Let's start with the current problem and we can tackle the other psychological issues later," Harley joked.

"I need to go." Talia stood up and made for the door but Selina stopped her and ushered he back to the chair.

"No, sit down. Look, I'm not a complete bitch and neither is she. No more jokes I swear."

She took a deep breath and began, "I've been cheating on Lex with Bane."

"That's fairly obvious."

"I love him."

"Bane?" Harley asked.

"Lex."

"Then why..."

"I don't know! I just...Lex is so...and I...I panicked! I spent so long chasing the unattainable," here she threw a glance in Selina's direction, "that now I feel so lost with how easy this is."

"I wish I had it as easy," Harley muttered.

"It's not supposed to be easy."

"Says who?"

"Isn't that the mark of true love? It has to be a difficult painful journey?"

"You need to lay off the Nicholas Sparks novels. I would kill to have what you have. I spent more years than I can count chasing after someone who finally figured out his feelings for me only to turn around and ruin it all by having a one nighter with a tramp of a waitress. But before I figured that out, he told me he didn't love me. Now I can't figure out what the hell to do with myself or him. At this particular moment, I kind of wish he would just take a header off the top of his hotel," Harley fumed. "You both have it easy! But you're both so fucking stupid you can't accept a good thing when you have it! I have been running around Europe helping this ostrich stick her head in the sand all the while her lover has been hot on our heels! You both claim to be so different, bad mouthing each other and getting into fights but at the end of the day you're both the same little bitch crying in the corner." Harley grabbed her purse and left, slamming the door behind her.

Selina and Talia sat there staring lamely at the door. Neither one was quite certain how the bubbly blonde became so enraged but they were also not willing to chase after her to face her wrath.

"I hate when she hits the nail on the head like that," Selina muttered.

"How often does it happen?"

"More than you would think."

"So..."

"I'm going to let her walk off that anger."

"I mean about you and Bruce."

"I'd rather work on your problem."

"My problem," Talia snorted.

"If you love Lex, why hide in Bane?"

"Do I love him?"

"You said you did."

"I loved Bruce."

"And?"

"And that clearly didn't work out."

"Did you really love him or did you just love corrupting him?"

"What?"

"I think you loved having forbidden fruit. But eventually, if you had him, you would've grown bored and tossed him aside. Especially if he gave up his crusade and joined the League of Shadows."

"What makes you different?"

"While the whole boy scout routine annoys me, it's what I love about him. I can't love Bruce without Batman. If he ever hangs up the cape and cowl, I can live with that but I couldn't live with him giving up the morals and ideals."

"Lex has no morals."

"I wouldn't go that far. They're just not conventional."

Talia smiled.

"You love him. Let go of the ghosts of boyfriends past and just be happy."

"Do you plan on taking your own advice?"

"You know what? For the first time in a long time, I am."

* * *

><p>Harley angrily stormed the streets of Vienna. Her mind a whirl of obscenities and incoherent thoughts that all bubbled over causing her to foam at the mouth. People sensed the tension radiating off her and cleared a path on the busy sidewalk. The nerve of those two! Yes, Harley had suggested Selina run away with her. Yes, it was probably her own fault they were in this deep. And yes, perhaps no one's situation was that different from the others' but Harley still felt like she was in a hopeless situation while those two were being idiots. Especially Talia. She stopped walking and leaned up against an ornate building. She looked up toward the sky, her view blocked by large gargoyles. It reminded her of home, of Gotham. She could picture Batman atop one of those stone monsters peering out into the city waiting for even a whiff of trouble. She almost missed Batman at that moment. She began to walk again, this time more slowly and leisurely. There was nothing more to be done anywhere else in the world, it was time to go back to Gotham. She missed Ivy, Harvey, the gang. She missed having a bed of her own, not one she was renting. And, even though she dreaded the idea, the news would break about Joker and she wanted to be there to meet it head on.<p>

The door to a café opened to her left and a small group of people apologized for knocking into her as they left. Harley could smell the fresh baked pastries and espresso coming from inside and while it wasn't cold out, there was a chill in the air and the warmth spilling out onto the street made it that more inviting. The final nail in the coffin was the fresh plate of red velvet cupcakes they placed on the counter. She whipped through the door and joined the small line. After she received her red velvet cupcake and simple vanilla latte, she snagged a small table in the corner next to the window so she could watch the world. She noticed someone had left a tourist pamphlet on the window sill. She picked it up and gave it a look through. It was filled with a lot of interesting historic buildings and trendy shops but one thing did catch her eye, Beethoven's grave.

Harley was not raised in a house of finery. She wouldn't even know the name Beethoven had it not been for a music teacher in grade school who thought the children could do with a bit of culture not just catchy school yard rhymes accompanied by an acoustic guitar. She was six and immediately enamored with the soft sound of the piano which would suddenly become brash and commanding. She wanted to hear more and learn everything about the man behind the music. Her teacher, whose name was long forgotten, was ecstatic that one of the sticky little trolls showed interest. She managed to dig up a book more for children about Beethoven and Harley devoured the information inside over recess. While the other kids floated down slides, glided through the air on swings, or chased each other round and round, Harley sat on the steps leading up to the school and cried while trying to wipe her tears off the pages of the book. The next day she sadly handed the book back to the teacher, new tears every time she thought about it.

"Whatever is the matter dear?" the teacher asked concerned that the brightest crayon in the box had suddenly become dark.

"He couldn't hear it. He played beautiful songs but he couldn't hear it," Harley sobbed. The teacher gathered the crying child in her arms and tried to soothe her and felt a sense of pride at the same time. One of the heathens had an appreciation for something more than candy and cartoons and that was astounding all in its own but to have such an emotional reaction to it was almost too good to be true.

Harley tried her own hand at piano the following year. It had taken that long to get her mother to agree to the lessons but unfortunately she didn't have the knack for it. But her affinity for Ludwig Von Beethoven carried on. She collected his music when she would come across it, books as well, and Immortal Beloved had a permanent place in her movie collection and was watched frequently. One of his letters had been tucked into her notebooks all through college and in her first months at Arkham where Joker had found it and used the words in his own love letter to her. That had always made her sentimental and angry at once. He had used the words of someone else to woo her but at the same time they represented the situation at hand and were words that had enchanted her.

Here she was in the city that had given her the musical genius that was Beethoven and she was moping in a café. There were other notable Beethoven-related destinations in the pamphlet as well. Harley scarfed down the rest of her cupcake and ordered a tea to go.

* * *

><p>Selina wasn't sure when she had agreed to traipse up to Bane's room and get Talia's things back but here she was none the less, standing at his door. He gladly handed over Talia's suitcase and purse. "this is sufficiently awkward," she tried to joke.<p>

Bane only grunted.

"Look, I just want to say again, I'm not going to talk about this to anyone and neither is Harley so..."

"What did she say?"

"Harley?"

"Talia."

"Oh. Um, she just...she..." Selina kept trying to grasp for a nice way to say the ugly truth but there wasn't one and a lie would be a mess. "She loves Lex."

"I know."

"She loves him and this was a mess to hide from it. I'm sorry."

"I like her, I'm not in love with her."

"You seem upset."

"Well, no one cares to be rejected."

"I guess."

"I'll be alright."

"Sure big guy?"

"Yeah."

"Alright, but before I go, gotta ask, are you a big guy or..."

"Goodbye Selina." Bane closed the door in her face and she walked back over to the elevator to deliver Talia's luggage.

* * *

><p>Bruce had decided there was far too much awkward in the suite now and he needed fresh air. He wandered a little too far and a little too long. He wouldn't say he was lost, because he was a man afterall, but he was certainly unfamiliar with the surrounding area. His phone had been left behind along with his wallet leaving asking for directions his only option when he spotted a blonde head bobbing up and down in the crowd across the street. As Batman, he was rarely excited by the sudden appearance of the hyper active jester girl but Bruce Wayne always seemed to come across her at the right moment. Without looking, or thinking really, he dashed across the street. Drivers honked their horns and tossed out a bevy of colorful obscenities and Bruce gave a half assed apologetic wave. He caught up to Harley rather quickly, mostly because he ignored the people he knocked out of the way.<p>

"You would not believe how glad I am to see you," he cried grabbing her arm and spinning her round to face him. Momentarily he wondered if he could have been mistaken but once he caught sight of her face he knew he had the right woman.

"Hey Brucie!" Harley replied slightly bewildered.

"Sorry I didn't mean to startle you it's just I've been walking..."

"He isn't with you is he?"

"Oh, no. He's back at the hotel. I was just out walking and I seem to have misplaced myself."

"You're lost?"

"No, just turned around."

Harley gave him a wink and a smirk.

"Alright, I'm lost. I'm lost, I'm without my phone, and I'm also without my wallet."

She giggled. "Want me to get you a cab?"

"I can pay you back once we're at the hotel."

Harley waved it off. "That's alright. I'll just send you on your way."

"No, I insist. I hate to ask you for a favor."

"No really I don't mind. Besides, I'm kind of doing a tour."

"What kind of tour?"

"Beethoven locations. I was just actually on my way to his grave."

"Beethoven?" Bruce asked in disbelief.

"You sound shocked."

"I just never pictured you as a classical music girl."

"Just Beethoven."  
>"Why?"<p>

She shrugged. "He just captured my interest I guess."

Bruce nodded. He himself enjoyed Beethoven as well as Bach and Brahms. "So is this a solo pilgrimage or would you like some company?"

Harley smiled. "I would love to have an escort!"

He offered her his arm and they continued down the street. Bruce listened intently as Harley told him all about how she got into the music of Ludwig Von Beethoven. Every time they were together he learned something absolutely fascinating about the blonde beauty. He supposed he learned something fascinating about all the rogues when he spent time with them. They entered the gates of the cemetary and crossed the well manicured lawn. Harley seemed to have a general idea where they were going so he allowed her to lead.

She found it easily enough. Her jubilant smile falling into a somber look of contemplation, the way some people looked upon entering a church or looking at a crucifix. For Harley Quinn, this was her religion in a way. Bruce allowed her to walk up alone and lay a single white rose she had purchased from a street vendor on the way. He liked the way she looked kneeling down with her pixie-like features in a sad glow. It reminded him of himself on his trips to see his parents. Then another sad thought hit him, did she do this for her parents? Were they alive? He seemed to recall Selina mentioning her mother was a bit discouraged with her daughter and had actually given her the brush off during her engagement to the Riddler. Her father was a mystery to him. She seemed like a girl with daddy issues to be sure. He realized she was suddenly standing in front of him again.

"You looked deep in thought," Harley said.

"My mind was trying to wander."

"Be careful, it might end up where I found you."

"It has a history of wandering."

"Where does it go?"

"All sorts of places. Today it was wandering to you."

"Oh?"

"Just, watching you mourn, it made me think of..."

Harley's soft smile fell and that sad look was back. He didn't have to say it, she knew exactly what he meant. "Oh." She grabbed his arm and pulled him toward the gates to leave.

"Your parents..."

"Yeah?"

"Are they..."

"No. Not really but in a way. My mother would like to erase my existence and my father is serving a life sentence. I don't mind having a crook for a father I mean, how could I? But he decided a long time ago that he wasn't a father. He didn't even really try. He just...bailed. I saw him here and there, between jail time, mostly when he needed money, but that was about it."

"I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that two terrible people live on this planet while two wonderful people were taken from it."

Bruce stopped walking and looked at Harley. It was like seeing her for the first time. He stroked the side of her face softly, not in a romantic way but more familial. "You're a surprise wrapped in a wonder."

"Is that a good thing?"

"Yes. A very good thing."

They continued on and Bruce decided then and there that while Batman would have to deal with Harley Quinn when the time came, Bruce Wayne would take care of Harley the rest of the time. And in taking care of her, he would have to thwart his best friend's plans of winning her back because in the end, he was not good for her. He was ruining her. And by keeping him away perhaps Batman would never have to cross paths with Harley Quinn in that way again.

* * *

><p>Talia sat on Selina's bed contemplating her next move. Something that was annoying Selina since she wished to take a nap. After giving her nemesis he luggage, she expected her to leave but Talia had shown no signs of vacating the room. Instead she seemed content to just sit there staring into the abyss and Selina had had enough. "Alright lady, what's up now?"<p>

"Huh?"

"You're sitting on my bed. You have your suitcase, your purse, and yet you're not leaving."

"I'm sorry."

"Still not leaving."

"I don't know where to go."

"I thought we agreed we were going to go be happy. Happy for you would be running back to Metropolis and having sex with Lex which rhymes and makes me giggle." And true to her word, she giggled.

"What do I tell him?"

"Lie. It never happened. You were with daddy and you just go on with life."

"Lie?"

"It's not like it's a new concept for you."

"I know but..."

"But nothing honey look, I don't know that man well but I do know something about men which is they prefer not to know shit like this. Now, I know you probably feel guilty but here's the thing, had you gone through with this recent bout of bury your head in the sand sex, you wouldn't have told him so why bother telling him what didn't happen?"

"You're right."

"I know."

"You're a smart woman Selina Kyle."

"That's why they call me a smart ass and not a dumb ass."

"Alright, I am going to run to the store across the way, pick up a couple things and then I'll be out of your hair promise. Can I get you anything?"

"Oreos."

* * *

><p>"Well the demon spawn has finally popped up on our radar! Talia Al Ghul has joined the party in Vienna. Is she gal paling with the girls (doubtful) or is she rekindling the old flame? Our money is on Bruce Wayne. Perhaps he has given up the chase and decided to give the old girl one more try. Or who knows? With the crazy world we live in she could very well be there to spark up something new with Joker!"<p>

* * *

><p>Harley had gotten Bruce back to his hotel in one piece. He went back up to the room and knocked on the door after realizing he had left his key behind. Joker answered the door in a loosely tied bathrobe holding a martini.<p>

"Oh good, I was worried the weirdness would have dissipated," Bruce joked.

"I was worried. You've been gone awhile with no way to contact you."

"So worried you ordered drinks."

"And showered. I do that when I'm worried."

"Uh huh."

"Where were you?"

"Don't worry Mrs. Wayne, I wasn't cheating on you."

Joker scoffed and sipped his martini as he plopped down onto the couch revealing a bit more of himself than Bruce cared to see.

"I went for a walk, got turned around, and bumped into a friend."

"You were cheating on me!"

"Oh, it wasn't as intimate as this."

"Who is this friend?"

Bruce hesitated. This was going to get dicey. "Look, I need to be honest with you."

"I don't like the sound of this."

"Yeah and you're not going to like it more in a minute." Bruce took a seat in the arm chair across from Joker. "I was with Harley. Not in a romantic way. We bumped into each other and I was going to have her get me a cab back to the hotel but I ended up accompanying her on her little walk about."

"Yes?"

"I like her. I like her a lot Joker. I want her to be happy. I want her to be safe. I want to protect her from all the shit."

"I want those things for her as well."

"Do you really?"

"Yes."

"Then, maybe you should let her go."

"You said..."

"I don't think you're what's best for her at all."

"How do you know?"

"How do I know? Because I see her. Because I saw her with you, I saw her without you, and I saw her after you left her in a puddle of despair. You broke her and quite honestly I don't think you wouldn't do it again."

"You couldn't possibly..."

"And if you do get her back and you do hurt her again, I will hurt you. I will break you physically in the way you broke her emotionally. I will also speak against you is she asks my opinion on it."

"You're not a good best friend."

"No, I guess I'm not. I...I like you too but I think you need to get yourself together before you get her back."

"I won't stop fighting for her."

"And I won't stop fighting you."

* * *

><p>"I am not with Bruce Wayne!" Talia screeched into the phone pacing the hotel room. Selina had sworn the girl promised to leave once she had gone to the store. Now she was wandering the hotel room while Selina watched from the bed eating her Oreos. Harley entered the scene and watched from the doorway for a second and then joined Selina on the bed stealing a couple Oreos for herself.<p>

"What's going on?" Harley asked through her mouth full of cookie.

"Talia was spotted by the Tipster and now she's having a fight with Lex."

"I see."

"How was your day?"

"I walked around Vienna and visited the Beethoven historical sites."

"Are there a lot?"

"Not really."

"I'm sorry about earlier."

"Don't be. I'm just a little bitchy."

"Yeah but I'm a little stupid."

Harley shrugged.

"I want you to know, I've decided to just be happy. I'm going to see Bruce and try this whole relationship thing again."

Harley smiled and gave her friend a half hug but in her mind the alarm bells went off. Her afternoon with Gotham's favorite son had changed her mind about Bruce and Selina. She liked Bruce, a lot, and she wanted him to be happy but she began to wonder if that would be with Selina. Selina blanched at relationships, was afraid of being caged and tied down. Harley didn't want them to get in deep and watch Selina run out on him leaving him heartbroken and alone, kind of like how Harley was now. But for now, she feigned excitement for her friend.

Selina was at the end of her tether with Talia. She snatched the phone from the woman's hand and said "Hi, Lex? Selina. Look, Talia is here with us. She was supposed to meet her father but he had to cancel and she decided to have a little girl time with us. No we're not best friends but in the underworld it's slim picking for gal pals. And, let's face it, society women just wouldn't understand." Selina laughed at something Lex said, nodded, laughed again, and then cooed "Alright. I'll let her know. Bye darling." She hung up the phone and tossed it to Talia. "I saved your ass, you owe me and can repay that by getting your own room. Lex is taking his jet here to meet you."

"What?"

"He decided he needed a vacation."

"What about Bane?"

"Bane? Don't worry about him. Just go get a room."

Talia left the room to do as she was told. Selina took her seat on the bed again and grabbed a couple more cookies. Harley grabbed a cookie as well and they enjoyed the moment of silence which was interrupted by Harley's phone ringing. "Chaos headquarters," Harley answered.

"Harley?" Bruce said.

"Hey!"

Selina heard Bruce's voice on the phone. She raised and eyebrow and Harley jumped up from the bed locking herself in the bathroom for privacy.

"I just heard from our concierge of my hotel there is a ball in Beethoven's honor tomorrow night. I was thinking of getting tickets."

"For us?" Harley asked.

"And Selina if you think she'd be interested. It's a real black tie affair. You both will probably need a dress."

"Oh," she sighed, partially relieved and partially concerned. "I think that would be fun." She couldn't very well go without Selina, it would probably give the wrong idea should they be spotted but at the same time she had to work out how to keep the two away from each other.

"Great, I'll buy the tickets. And, um, about Joker..."

"It'd be great if he didn't go."

While she couldn't see it, Bruce was smiling ear to ear. That was exactly what he wanted to hear. "That's perfectly fine. I'll call you tomorrow with details."

"I can't wait." Harley hung up and went back into the main room where Selina was lounging lazily on the bed. "That was Bruce."

"Yeah?"

"He invited us to a ball for tomorrow night."

"Sounds fun."

"I think it will be. We'll have to go dress shopping."

"We'll go tomorrow."

Harley smiled and Selina smiled back but she was suspicious. It was strange for Harley to duck into the bathroom and hide. She didn't want to push it though. Instead she just offered the blonde a cookie.

* * *

><p>Barbara Gordon sat alone at a table in the quaint little Italian restaurant she had been instructed to go to. It was strange, the text she had received signed only "a friend" and while it would be dangerous for a normal woman to go meet a perfect stranger in a rough part of town, for Barbara it was really an average day. Besides her own security and fighting skills, she had her own personal capeless crusader sitting atop the building waiting for even a hint of trouble. Her mysterious friend was late already and Barbara was getting ready to leave when Holly and Oswald Cobblepot walked over to her table.<p>

"Ah hell, it's you isn't it?" Barbara asked.

"Afraid so cookie," Holly replied taking the chair opposite her, Oswald the one next to her.

"What's this about then?"

"The Tipster."

"You have my interest."

Holly produced the cell phone belonging to the late coat girl. "This phone belonged to one of the Tipster's informants."

"How did you get it?"

"You don't really want to know," Oswald chimed in. "We'll be frank, the Tipster has some rather detrimental information we suspect she is going to release to the world very soon. We want to prevent it and we'd also like to shut her down completely. Until now we only knew that people were telling her things, not we have a way to connect with her. We need you to run the number, locate her if you can."

"And why would I do this?"

"No one really likes a gossip."

"I think I need more motivation than that."

"How much more? Throw me a ballpark figure," Oswald told her as he pulled out his checkbook.

"I don't really want your money either."

"Look, we really don't have anything to offer you besides the satisfaction of bringing this bitch down and a cash prize," Holly snapped.

"What does she have on you?"

"I screwed up a long time ago and had sex with Joker. She knows. She will tell. And while Harley has already found out, I don't want everyone else to know and for her to go through that horror."

Barbara sat contemplating the offer. She didn't like the Tipster. She was making it hard for Oracle to sort the real stories from the bullshit and she also didn't like the occasional story about her that would pop up. She also didn't care much for Holly which was purely petty and bitchy and she hated admitting it. She didn't particularly like any of the Rogues and how they had pulled Bruce into their twisted world. But she was also a good person and the thought of all this blowing up gave her a twinge of guilt. "Alright, I'm in on one condition."

"What's that?" Holly asked.

"You can't kill her."

"You're taking the fun out of it," Oswald grumbled.

"We find her, we destroy her network, and you can scare her into keeping her mouth shut but I will not be part of a murder plot."

"Fine by me," Holly agreed shaking Barbara's hand. The two women looked at Oswald who nodded in agreement.

Barbara took the phone from Holly and pocketed it. "This will be a gas."


End file.
